Why am I so afraid to **** myself?

Do you find it a curse to love me?
Feels like a burdened mule struggling up that hill again,
Layers of baggage, weight like stones.
I try to drop it; yearn for a better me.

Either leave me be or release this baggage,
Please.

Let's Breakup! I hate this nonsense anyway. You say I'm drama, well, you're arrogant and cruel-and I'd rather be dramatic than an *** like you.

I want to walk away from you.
I want to be able to drop you,
and not be phased by your cries.

I cant stand this anxious lingering;
this cringing inside me that twists my nerves.
My heart clings to the brightness,
and I want to die.

Give up, move on.
I want to torture you.

It's okay.
The more you envy the photos,
the more *******,
the more negativity,
the more stupidity you are fed;
Because you are sautéd in a lie.

Sometimes, I want to befriend death.
Not to evade it,
But to watch myself suffer.

I envy you.
You are unmoved by emotion,
Unfettered by your lack of clean underwear,
Unaffected by childish tears and sighs.
Able to numb rigidity through intoxicating brew;
Effortlessly escape to an alternate reality,
Filled with machine guns, a man jumping over turtles, portals of orange and blue.

I may speak, and you may not hear.
I may think, and you may not wonder.
I may seek, and you may not offer.
I envy your indifference,
Your reluctance to physical affirmation.