No one listened,
no one believed
and now that the proof has surfaced
they all say they're proud of me

All switched around
and all mixed up,
my head is spinning
and my heart is ******
i thought i knew what i wanted and from who
but my so sure heart, exploded
when i saw you....

Shaking, and twitching
Like you're about to explode
Not knowing what to do
And not sure where to go
Balling your fists, and grinding your teeth
A raging fire is burning beneath
Like a tower made of playing cards and glass
One burst of wind and this structure won't last,
Look over your shoulder, someone might be following you
Be afraid of everything
Cause it's all that you can do
This is such a tight space, and your running out of air
And your entire face is tangled in your hair
What do you do?
How do you speak?
Your fast beating heart is feeling quite weak
Your hands quiver as you roll a few
Or fill your ****
Whatever you must do
Your brain is freaking out
So take it on a trip
You need to calm down
And get a grip

Isn't the city beautiful?
its perfect from the view i'm at
leaning over the edge of this building, with the wind blowing against the sides of my back
the ground looks so far away, its covered in people
like waves they sway
endlessly flowing, never really going anywhere but past
its amazing how fragile we are
we fall and shatter like glass
we must have our balance
or our lives could slip
we'd end up in a hospital bed, listening to the IV drip
if i fell from this height, into the water of those peoples lives
i would be but a rock, crashing into the waves
it would cause a sudden panic then their notice would just
float away

Wrap your failures around my throat
Use my body to keep yours afloat
Take my eyes so that you may see,
That I'd do anything you'd ask of me

Having secrets that cannot be told
Because my entire life is based on them
I am fools gold
Men call me a catch
But I am no gem
I cannot tell the truth
With the fear of losing them

Lips and fingertips
Brushing together
Between the autumn trees
So easy it is, to fall in love under this rainbow of
leaves

let me cover you in the darkest cloak
made of pain and marijuana smoke
and let me lift its hood over your innocent mind
so you can search for the answers that i could never find
you can't imagine someone hurting so badly
but darling, this pain is my own
so many times i have fallen in love ever so madly
and then was stripped and skinned down to the bone
betrayal was my oxygen
and every breath i took was a stab to the back
And every bruise on my skin was a skill I lacked
I was never good enough, so I strived for silence, obedience and skill
but no matter what I did
I'm not good enough
Not good enough, still.

If you'll be my color I'll be your canvas
If you can be my island, we can be stranded
If you'll accept my love and return the favor
I'll give my affection in every flavor

Pretty little flower
all soft and bright
smooth curved petals flowing so lightly
perfect little bud safe when closed at night
but such a delicate daisy isn't good at fighting
and when the great big storm rolled in
this soft little flower didn't have a strong enough stem
her roots were torn out, and her leaves all fell
sending this tiger lily right down to hell

You were an ember of passion that fell out of place
That landed on ambition, and quickly caught flame
You vastly spread your high rising fire
Until you caught me with your burning desire
there was no trace of concupiscence,
But your infatuation was wrongly placed
You began to act with belligerence
When I told you I can't feel the same way
Now you're attached and your fire won't be put out
Only when I beg, and cry on the ground
You beg me to stay with a gun to my head
My options are stay or leave by death
I'm left feeling pugnacious,
Because I ******* hate this
I was once a gentle person who could never feel animosity,
Now I am broke under the weight that binds me
Let me go, chill this heat
Lower your flame and stop engulfing me

It mixes well with alcohol,
keeps me high so i wont fall
i don't want to think
i want clouds in my brain
like the sky has fallen on my mind
and has driven me insane
forget these feelings or feel them even more
i just want to forget
that you ever existed
forever gone
not to return
evermore

Bright lights, autumn moon
Spinning circles and lively tunes
In this beautiful wonderland
Of rides and games
I can see though it all
To the pride and shame
Under these rollercoasters, tucked under the tape
Is the fading memory of some girls ****
Such a lovely place, turned into a hell
While everyone plays around, she screams for help
And in these game booths, are pits of lies
Con artists with cunning eyes
They don't just deal cards
They've got liquor at hand
And they won't be afraid to sell it by the can
It's crazy how in such a wonderful world
It isn't even safe to be a girl
All the majestic things that fill our cave
Hide only the monsters we choose to evade

He had that smile, the kind that makes you shake
And his voice was smooth like the water in a lake
His hands were soft and they caught me when I fell
He was just like a devil coming straight out of hell
He complimented every flaw
And told me it all
From I love you to I need you
And, what the hell did I do?
I let him in, I let him on
But he didn't get off after I told him to stop...
I screamed, but no words would come out
how the **** to begin to tell mom?
she'll just call me a *****, and say she was right
i want to forget and stop being up all night
i trusted this boy, but drugs altered his heart
i want to express, but where do i start?
i'll just bury it here, in the dirt where he did it
i'll do whatever it takes to convince myself he didn't.

This great pain that hovers over my head,
that rings in my ears and has me hanging by a thread,
dares not cease until i have gone;
until the sun stops rising at what could be dawn
when what was once dust becomes dust once more,
and when what was once locked becomes an open door,
I will be free from such mortal anguish,
and on such a foul earth i will no longer languish
oh, how i cannot wait for the day
that all the voices in my head go away

when you you kissed me softly, your lips brushing mine like flower petals intersecting in the breeze
Did you feel that second of absolute and completely silent feeling of ease?
As our blood coursed through our veins, it pumping and beating
When it was spilt, how it stained
The carpet in the living room of my old yellow house
your hands placed gently on the rim of my blouse
Did it feel heavenly when you struck me down, like some sort of master standing over me on the ground
Did the ropes you used to bind me, make you feel like a man?
Do you remember what it was like to hold my hand?
When you're forcing yourself on me, feeling my breath
Do you remmeber when this love was sweetly innocent?
Now it's ripped and torn like a seam
Only held together by a few threads made of lies
This stitch is not as simple as it seems
And I'll sew together our secrets until the day our love dies

All these dream catchers over my head as I sleep
And still
Nightmares run free as I lay in my bed
Trying not to scream
And feel so weak

Laying here with my eyes soaked
And my voice choked,
Quietly screaming "why can't she love me?"
"Why did he hurt me?" and "why did she have to die?"
Asking why, **** it, why?
My heart is beating, and with every pulse
I can hear a ripping noise
Like a seething bunch of hate is begging to rip out of my chest
But in this void, I am nothing but alone
Even here, in my own **** home
I feel so empty, and so ******* torn
My eyes are heavy and filled with scorn
Why must we feel?
I miss being younger, when the world wasn't so real
I can't do this **** it, I can't stay clean
In this ****** up life
We all need our own
Personal reality

The smoke looks like pillows surrounding me
Comfortably
As I exhale the negativity
That i see
And that I feel,
The numbing drug slows down what's real
It's like my lungs have been filled with warmth
A feeling of bliss that calms my soul
And as I feel the rough skin across my arm
I conclude that this pain is too old
So I'll light up my joint
A representation of the stress in my head
And slowly get the point
That all is well, forget this feeling of dread

It is said that eyes are the windows to the soul
and, this is the truth
for i have seen the emotion that beats through your retinas
and the hazel green colored hate that consumes you,
every blink was another explosion of lies and every tear you cried
was for your innocence that died

and for the girl in the expensive clothes
i see the loneliness as it glows
her sight is weak but full of sorrow
dreading the day that is tomorrow

we're all hiding something inside our eyes
whether it is the truth or a daring lie
we all feel things to big to express
but our eyes provide a window
to see what we've depressed

our skin is made to be shed
like a cocoon
and when we are free
we sprout out our wings, because inside we were all
butterflies,
this noose hanging is the key in my hand
that opens the door
to my darkest fairyland

Can you hear me as i am breathing
feeling
such an emotion
broken, like the moon
i am discovered and have never been nurtured
i have never made good choices
even here, listening to the voices
inhaling these chemicals
and not confiding in these evangelicals
just kiss me, and take my poison
and as i manipulate
you will not just stipulate
never loving me
no one ever wanting to see
i am not crazy, just a bit bizarre
and to this ongoing hell
the end is very far

I was happy once,
when her heart was still beating
It's funny how she was pierced,
but I was the one bleeding

You're as fake as glass diamonds
You once pulled me in with your beauty and charm
But lately I've been finding, that I don't want to be the ***** on your arm,
Always needing to be pet, and always begging to be fed
I'm not your **** toy, you were never a good boy
So why should I listen?
Just to see your glass glisten?
Yes, it's quite lovely, but not the real thing
I hope when you read this, your heart begins to sting
Knowing that I love you, but hate your company
How the hell am I supposed to feel when you've got your hands on me?
You apologize, while you beat me senseless
You take it all back, while choking me helpless
You throw a punch with your left hand
Your wedding ring crashing into my cheek
This type of thing I cannot stand, you promised forever is how long you'd be loving me
Oh, shining fools gold
How does it feel to have me locked away?
You want to be real so bad, that you capture the real thing
And when it tries to leave, you cannot understand or begin to see
Why a sugar crystal cannot belong to me
I want a love thats real, not all bells and lights
Not based on kisses or your unconquerable *** drive
I want a diamond, all crooked and imperfect
Not someone pretending to be flawless and gorgeous
You were a glass diamond, that got a showcase in my museum
I thought you were genuine, but you're just good at Disquises
But your true color shows when light reflects as the sun rises.

she is gone
dead, like the trees
so is my innocence
and everything that defines me
I've indulged in another addiction
it brought me pleasure as another self infliction
I'm paving my path with experiences and faults
and my vehicle is constantly coming to a halt
but the ride is comfy, warm like liquor
smooth like smoke, and makes my heart race quicker
i am gone
dead, like her soul
forever drifting
dreading the day i become old

forever maybe
i might be back, but i wont be alone
i've never loved truly, and i've never had a home
so, darling listen
i am so sorry,
but love never lasts,
im only ever a **** and men always wear masks
so listen long and listen good
i do not love any man
because ive lost the only man i could

I don't want to be apart of the human race,
our heads are getting too big for such a small space,
our souls are lost now, never to be saved
because none of us deserve sanctuary if we are all still depraved

I cant even type what i want to say
because with whatever i type, you wont understand anyway
no one will get it
the words are silent on this page
such a pretty flower isn't expected to feel so much rage.

There is a hole in my story
Filled with empty space
This endless Galaxy
Burning straight through my brain
How can I be empty
But everlastingly vast
These brilliant stars set me aflame as they pass
And as my skin turns to ash
My soul begins to freeze
And, instantly, in a flash
I am staring into a mirror
That doesn't reflect me
I am nothing but a void in this slot of time
Just substance taking up space
just existing, never alive.

please, don't hurt me
Don't throw me away
I'm so tired of feeling worthless everyday
I don't want to be someone else's ****
I am not a toy
But, I always find myself being used by some other boy
You're so great, but I'm waiting for the pain
I'm waiting for the abuse to once again drown my brain
You make me happy, that doesn't happen often
So please don't hurt me like I'm nothing

i saw you there, you smiled like the sunshine
and played without a care,
you were happy here, in this place of fairies and rainbows
i wanted to stay with you but you said i had to go
this place wasn't for the living, the above ground walking around
people like me,
so i woke up and left, awaiting another visit from you for me to see
missing you by day, but
loving you in my sleep

Those eyes are so deep and remind me of hallucinations
so vast and soft, like a spiral trip
and the rims of your pupils are like the broken bottle
from which my alcohol dripped

How am I expected to be okay
When you all tell me that there's something wrong with me?
How do i look for a solution,
When the problem in itself is blinding?
I'm stuck on the inside with no key
I can't open this door alone
So I guess, I'll never be free.

I'm dreadfully sorry, dear
but i no longer care about you,
or anyone for that matter
or anything you do
I'm tired of trying to no avail
this hopeless love never prevails
i have found that at my age, men don't want you for your brain
it is only a minor thing
but not when you're just a fling
it is only a one night stand
and the next day, they wont hold your hand
it is only being me
never loved
only seen

Well, here we go
On another rollercoaster high, the other ones were scary
But I'm tall enough to ride
I'm standing at the gates now, waiting to hand my ticket
I'm afraid it's as scary as it looks and my heart begins to reach its limit
But everyone around me looks so **** pleased
It makes me wonder why the hell I am the only one who isn't happy
I've been on this ride before, I screamed and cried
And no one can say that with love, I didn't try
But I hate giving up, and I don't want to be weak
So strap me in, I'm ready for what I'm about to see

A real man wouldn't promise me his patience
Then lose it with a punch to my face
I don't want to be afraid
I want a man to make my heart race, out of love and not fear
I want a real man to hold me dear
Be near, and kiss me on my nose
One who never leaves, won't ever go
Who always knows
When I'm upset, or when I need to cry
But, baby please just don't be the reason why
I don't want to be afraid...
I just want someone to make me feel safe
Who holds my heart to keep
Never to break
Out of all the abusers in my love novel
I just want one who will be a rebel
And be my cuddle buddy
Someone who Doesn't think my pain is funny
I want a real man for once in my life,
Someone who won't make love feel like a constant strife

Do you ever just think about
How messed up this world is,
And how patient its creator must be
To continue this, but we will never see
How much we take for granted,
We are parasites to this floating rock of water and life
But we are only human, and when it comes to taking
We are always ready for another slice, even when the bread is still baking

It's been years
But the flame has not been put out
The pain has not ceased
And I still have doubts

I can swim across a pond or the entire sea,
I can do all that is done onto me
I could run for miles or at least a yard
write a whole book or a ****** greeting card,
I could kick *** or have mine handed to me
I could make a buisness or own three
I am human, this is true
but i am great, and so are you
we may be mortal, but we are not grounded
the rules have been set but never bounded

He used to caress my skin as his lips brushed my neck
But now all he wants is my mouth on his d----
He pulls my hair, never for my pleasure
Calls me his little *****
And hits me when I quiver
What am I to him?
Just a hole to fill
This feeling within, is like the urge to ****
But, my soul walks with God
And my arms are much too weak
If I wanted him dead, the chances would be bleak
I need to find a way, a way to be free
But the *** is an anchor that is drowning me
I'm tied to him, because blackmail comes in picture form
The anger inside of me, is brewing like a thunderstorm

I'm leaving again
moving to a new place,
away from my friends and the love i thought i'd chase
but this is what life wants and even though it hurts,
the show must go on and i must
make it work

when did it start?
When My friend said it was fun
It started as a habit, but now it's more like an art
It was better than holding back my screams
From when anger had filled me
I didn't mean to do it the first time
I was angry, enraged
And i just grabbed a blade
Watching the blood leak
I felt my anger begin to cease
When my mother called me fat
It was there to help with stupid crap
When something was in my system
And he wouldn't stop when I said no
It brought me up from feeling low
When Alex was killed
It kept my cup filled
It has been there for me to express my pain
It is the one thing that won't ever feel in vain
Daddy didn't want me
Moms too dead
Alex had to leave
And I'm lost inside my head
I don't know where the pieces went
Maybe their here under the flesh
I'm tired of all this childhood pain
I think it's time I start to express

rage is filling me
anxiety is thrilling me
this unmanageable want to rip my skin
is tearing me apart, like some internal sin
my soul is crying, my brain is frying
and now i must go
what i will do, even i never know

I used to think that if i had just held on to you a little bit harder, you would never have slipped away.

He doesn't love me, but how does he feel?
i know i cant see things that aren't real
but i can emote, emotions that are fake
hard to realize and easy to break
i'm not sure if he wants me still, or if it was a one time thing
but, trust me when i say I've had my fill, when it comes to being just a fling

I'm not sure when everything slowed down,
I blacked out for a second under this smoke cloud
And when I opened up my eyes
My chest felt tight
Something was wrong on this calm quite night
I saw you against my skin
Without my knowledge
Without permission
I attempted to scream but someone else grabbed me
It was in this moment, that I could not see
Only feel and the pain was everlasting
In my heart and of course physically
Have you ever felt so torn
That maybe this was all you were for?
i kicked and flailed but to no avail
I tossed and turned
Attempting to wake
When my eyes ripped open
That was all I could take
I sobbed until my face was soaked
This memory haunts my sleep with its cloak
What do I do when nothing's to keep?
Not even a young girls virginity...
How should I feel when I'm so torn up
When my nights are accompanied by a rapists touch
It's alright, I don't want pitty
I just want to move on
But I can't until, I'm out of this city

I'm so used to the touch of a man, but only the kind that comes with a back hand
I need a boy to hug me, somebody to touch me
I'm so afraid, I don't know how to ask
Because in this day in age, it's a difficult task
To just reach out and grab someone because tears are forming in there eyes
It's like hoping for sun with clouds in the sky
Just, ******* hug me!
So I can cry, I can't do it without you asking why
I'm trying to be strong, so I cannot be weak
What's so wrong with you just helping me?

Do you like our fancy clothes?
and the way we carry ourselves...
just wait until the catwalk ends
and you go home, along with your friends
our makeup melts away
and our clothes catch flame
its the perfect ******* horror story
mom takes out her flask
and dad keeps trying to ask,
whats with you today?
brother gets locked away, like some kind of animal
and the sick part is
its his own **** decision...
camera flash
strike a pose
we're the perfect family
we don't really have cash
but you aren't supposed to know
with our make up caked on
and our fake diamonds
pretending to be strong
but we're always lying
i'm no better
i pretend not to care
but my doll face is cracking
and you cant help but to stare

Twigs crunch and crinkle under my feet
as i walk along this straight side line
the wind blows and moves the leaves like frightened rabbits rushing along the grass
i can hear the faint, rough, slide of car tires against the roads asphalt
i inhale and breathe out this calming cool air
this is autumn
this is the fall of leaves on my hopes and dreams
the blow of wind against my life about to begin
and the quiet stroll along the road to my happiness

Every rejection falls on me like a tree collapsing to the ground
eventually i just hang my shoulders, giving up
and the only expression i can manage is an uncontrollable frown
how do i react to being thrown away?
like a **** uncut, missed by the mower
stuck here to sway
every beating or threat
hangs like a storm over my head
how do i breathe when hate and disgust is the only air around me
and how to i search when a cloth of greed is all i see
like a ticking time bomb shut down by a **** switch
I'm still ready to explode with no room to burst in
anger and a feeling of abandonment soaks up in my heart
making it heavy, and hard to start
so it just sits in a hollowed out cave
which is my chest
with no one to save it or let it feel caressed
i feel out of place
like an unfitting puzzle piece
but injected with hate
by all the people who left me
undeserving or apparently just not liked
a mothers love should be given without a fight