sometimes i'll go way back
in the lost annals of facebook
way back to the strange days
right after mom left
and i'll look at all the posts
the few people who knew what happened
posted on her
wall
all "i love you"s
and "please call me"s

please...
trust me
you didn't actually want her to call you
panic attacks aren't fun
they aren't a joke
when you're sitting in the room
in your sisters house
that you've been thrown into
on the floor
gasping for breath
clutching at air
raggedly
you'll wish
you never talked to her
on the phone
please
don't even

and then sometimes when i'm
brave
i'll scroll
and scroll
and scroll
until i get to the days
when we were all together
and everything was
ok.
i'll read all the things i said to my mom
...isn't that funny?
i used to say things to her...
all the nonsense things
wishing her
a happy birthday
talking about
baking her cake
and it all makes me remember
that father's day
in june
right before she left
in a chinese restaurant
how awful it was
how thoughtless the gifts
that mom picked out
and it will make me think
of my older, married sister's face
when she heard
mom was gone
how she came over to our house
where me, dad,
and another older sister sat
empty vessels
filling up with pain
that we still couldn't shake
two years later
i'll remember her saying to me
that she couldn't believe mom would just leave
we'd all been together for father's day
just the week or two before
had she been planning it
even then?
yes.
she had.
she had been planning to leave us
for months
i just wonder
how she could let me love her
when she knew she was leaving
how could she do that to me
how...
how.

if i sit long enough
and let my mind
unwind all the
strange
coiled
menacing things
it contains
that i so often
shove into a blender
to make them easier to swallow
it'll say
*******
and i remember them perfectly
anyway.

for
instance
right now
i can hear
mom stuffing black
plastic-smelling
garbage bags
with clothes
in the hall
i can see the strip of light under my door
that bled through
at 3am
why
was it on
i never even
wondered
ever since
i have cursed
the lethargy
of 3am
if i had gone out and checked
i could have

                                                                        stopped
                                                                                                 her

oh
god
it hurts
so profoundly
to put that into words
to translate it from feeling
oh
god
i could have
stopped her
i could have
but i didn't
what if
i had
oh
god
i can't even
bear it

and then all those dead fruitflies
scatter across my mind
blown with the breath
of the dead
i was
walking into our kitchen
on the old
weird
cracked floor
and there on the
stained
blue table
were about six cups of half drunk
juice
from the kids bedtime snack
and there
in the center
were about 500
dead
fruitflies
in a perfect
circle
what the ****
were they doing there
i'll never know
i remember
asking mom
telling her how strange it was
but she wouldn't come
look
she just laid on the couch
her arm over her eyes
lying to me
without saying
anything
always.
the next morning
they were gone
i don't know what happened
but it was
strange

then suddenly
the horrible
nauseating feeling
will come again
rush in
uninvited
like an unwanted relative
sneak in
and take over
everything
it will eat me up
out of house and home
the thought
that

i

can't

remember

if she told me

that she loved me

before i went to bed

i was 18 then

but she always said it

anyway

worst of all

i cannot remember

if i said it back...

the last thing
you ever said to your mother
wouldn't you want it to be something like that
but i guess it wasn't
i probably even thought
about normal things
before i fell asleep
to the music
of my mother
leaving
i can't stop seeing
the scene
when i close my eyes

*******

memory

Subatomic particles
They jitter and bug on
Like the people
Late for work
That I see rushing about
Every day on the street
Just trying
To make something happen

A change
Is a positive thing
Well, you'd hope so
When something
Or someone
Or somewhere
Alters their way
When they or it
Evolves
You always hope for the best
But sometime
People, places, things
Nouns
Degenerate

And it's a shame

But it doesn't have to be that way

So
Here's to evolving
Here's to change
Here's to regenerating
Into something
Better
Bigger
Staggering
On our next
Run 'round

I know you don't ever listen
I know you don't really care
But that knife,
That knife sitting there...
Might just end my life
Tonight.

If you had wanted me,
If you had only wanted me
You would see
The pain.
You would see
The bloodstains.

Tonight
My head won't stop me
My heart won't stop me
My hand won't stop me
Tonight
This knife
Will save
My life.

Hey you
Look at you
Do you want to be my friend?
I like the way you smile
And the way you wend
Your way to me.

I like the curve of your neck
The way you turn all the way around
To check
If I'm looking...
Most of all,
I like the way
Your eyes talk to me

                 Quietly.

I like the way you hold your pen
The way you write
How you laugh,
And when.
The way you walk
Towards me
Is concerned
And a bit bouncy
Your heels
Seem to chuckle
And your eyes
Talk to me...

            Quietly.

I'm just watching tv
Innocently engaged
But I can't watch this anymore
After seeing that woman's face
It looked too much like my mother's...

The shiny, porous skin...
The red, wet, blue eyes
The veins standing out
Her hair, damp
Frazzled
Worried.
I'm scared to remember her face.

Sometimes,
I really miss my mom.
I miss her red cheeks,
Her frizzy, fluffy brown hair
Salted with grey...
I miss the funny sweaters she used to wear so often
The clogs she wore that clunked through the house
The sound of her needles,
Clinking together.
I miss her handwriting...
Her grocery lists
Her almond-shaped nails
The rough wrinkles on her knuckles
Her pants with the funny elastic.

And although I am almost 20 years old
I can still remember how it felt
To sit on her lap
To have her arms encircle me,
Hold me
Protect me
Love me.
And though she's left me
Shamed me
Hated me
Spit at me...
I cannot forget how it felt
To love my mother
And to be loved back.

i really should stop
letting you push me around
but you do it
so sweetly
i don't even feel
the pain.