You’ve taught me that
Unconditional love is more of a curse
Than a blessing
Because every part of me screams
To never forgive you
But I’m still a girl who needs her dad
And my heart will always long for you
But I can’t help to think how
You caused us such agony
When you left a loving family
For someone you just met
& it makes my heart break
To think the love I have for you
Feels as if it’s overdue
Because if you loved me
as much as I loved you
Leaving us would never be an option
& I can’t Help but feel
As if it was a personal blow when
Said you didn't love us anymore
And you left without ever turning back
And  I saw no hesitation in your step
When you chose between us or them
But the worst of all was that
I not only lost my dad but
I lost my mother as well
Because I didn’t recognize her anymore
And I couldn’t bear to see
Her deteriorating
Always stuck in bed
Unable to get up
Or complete the simplest tasks
And I feel guilty
For hating her for it
For making me comfort her
When all I wanted to be
was held
And I won't ever forgive you  
For all you've put us through;
For filling me with hate
When I saw my mom in such a state
So bruised that she called a hotel her home
For a whole month in fear
Of being seen by her family
And once again I hated her
For leaving me behind
And for wanting to protect you
So no one will know
The person you’ve become
I’ve watched my little sister cry
And beg for her dad to come home
And it truly made me sick to know
Those begs feel on empty ears
Every time you came to visit
Yet you still had the audacity to say
You were sorry
And I watched you beg us on your knees for forgiveness
That day you swore to the moon and back
That you were finally coming home
Even that night you had me fooled as
We welcomed you back with open arms
And it was the first time in weeks
I felt as if we were complete
Only for you to turn around and leave
Before we had the chance to wake up
And tell you good morning
My sister cried so hard that day
Running through the house
Asking about your whereabouts
Little did we know it wasn’t the last time you would deceive us
Living with a secret lover and child
Unable to decide
Which of us you loved more
To betray the other for
But I knew we were longing for a dad
That we had already lost
So all those half assed sorrys
Will never be accepted
Because you only came back
When she left you
And I resent my mother for
Never being strong enough
To be the first to let go
 Because you made us go through ****
We never asked for
And begging for forgiveness in the middle of the night
Once you realized you were finally alone
Wouldn’t break me this time
But screaming and pounding on our windows
To let you in
Or you'll **** yourself
Only made it hurt more
And when my mom opened that door
To tell  you to leave
And stop causing a scene
All you could do was scream  
That you were going to commit suicide
At that moment
I didn't feel a thing
I saw you grab the gasoline
And chug it down
My mom shoving  her fingers down your throat
Screaming for help
And I just remember standing there
Not saying a word
I don't remember being sad
I can't imagine why

my father and i were drinking orange juice at
two thirty in the morning when he turned to me and said,
“i never taught you that you could be anything you
wanted to be because the truth is that you can’t,”
and i decided he was right when i realized i was too
right-brained to work a nine-to-five job and that i’d rather
destroy a computer and call it art than create one and
call it science.

but maybe he was only thinking about the big picture,
and by now i’ve realized that the big picture is never
the most important and that the small scribblings that
mainly go unnoticed matter the most and i thought
back to when a tenth grade teacher had asked me a
simple question and expected a simple response,

and while i had given her a real answer, she claimed it
to be unrealistic and the corner of her lip twitched as she
tried to suppress a laugh, but i wasn’t laughing because
what’s so wrong about saying that, “maybe i want to be
your favorite constellation?” because it’s true —

and, “i want to be the goosebumps on your arms when you
hear your favorite song performed live. i want to be the aching in your
ribs after you’ve laughed too hard, your favorite Sunday dinner,
a constant reminder that you are beautiful and that you are
kind and that you don’t need anybody else to make you happy.
i want to be compassion. i want to be sympathy, treachery,
creativity. i want to be the reason you wake up in the middle
of the night without really understanding why. i want to be
the question, an answer, a hundred possibilities.”

she asked me what i wanted to be, and i told her i wanted
to be everything — and maybe other people don't know how
to feel the same way that i know how to feel,  and maybe that's
because we spend so much time teaching kids how to compute
and to quote instead of how to express and emote and i find that
to be very disappointing.

My heart strings
Are in tune
With the rymthic melody
Of your talk
That even if I don't want
To think of you
My heart still beats
Coexistly to you

pisces:** you paint the ocean on your eyelids so that when there are tears streaming down your face at 3:15 in the morning, it doesn't feel like you're crying and you feel like a monster because nobody likes the taste of salt water, but what you're forgetting is that salt helps heal wounds

aquarius: you don't wear sunscreen when you're drinking lemonade outside in the middle of an indian summer because you want to show people that you don't have a care in the world, but it's hard for anyone to see anything when you've constructed a barricade of repressed memories and locked yourself inside a closet full of skeletons

capricorn: "i like holding your hands because they're warm," he tells you, but what happens when they're not? you want to peel back the layers of his skin until you see his lungs moving beneath his ribcage and you want to know if he can hold his breath for as long as atlas held the earth (maybe his lungs can hold your hands when he won't want to)

sagittarius: you get drunk off of cheap thrills and doing eighty-five down backroads while everyone else is asleep, but when it comes to letting people get close to you, you still need someone to hold your hand (maybe you can't trust yourself to trust others)

scorpio: you're telling him to kiss your neck when you really want him to kiss your mind, but you're so torn between being passionate and being psychological that maybe you don't know the difference

libra: according to others, you are the one who's supposed to be balanced and content, but right now you are struggling and you can't tell the difference between a love letter and a suicide note (it was hard for me to write this) (i love you a lot) (i'm sorry, baby)

virgo: you wear more makeup than necessary when you go out and you only wear black pants because they make your legs look smaller, but i want you to remember that you are a flower that was born in the midst of a drought and plucking your own petals until there's nothing left would be a real disappointment

leo: your hands are at your own throat because you are too generous and you have been taken for granted one too many times (ask your mother for advice and she will tell you to stop ripping yourself apart just to keep others whole)

cancer: there are rainstorms in your tear ducts and butterflies in your stomach and sometimes you feel like the earth will shatter beneath the gentle touch of your fingertips, but when you realize that nobody knows how to feel the way that you know how to feel, think of it as a good thing

gemini: you believe that soulmates are supposed to be your other half, but you should also consider that soulmates could be those who help you find the pieces you were looking for in others in yourself (patience — you will find yours soon)

taurus: you do things that you shouldn't do and you kiss boys that you shouldn't kiss and your shameless flirting with self destruction won't be ending any time soon (you let others love you to the point where you are too stubborn to love yourself)

aries: you light fires just to see how quickly you can put them out and you are always three steps ahead of the person next to you and sometimes you start fights just to see how long it takes for you to come out on top, but everyone can see that you would never hold someone else's heart just to have the opportunity to drop it

You feel like
Warm sweaters on a windy day
Like hot chocolate on snowy nights
Like sunshine on a picnic
Like blooming flowers in May
And like presents when I least except it

But you also feel like rainy days when I have plans
Like favorite shoes that no longer fit
Like messy hair on picture day
Like long and lonely summer nights
And like broken promise from the closest friends  

But honestly through every way you feel
I'll always want you hanging around
Because I just can't let go
Of the one I know I love