Just give me some time,
To cry it all out.
Stop throwing stuff at me,
Need to learn what it's about.
So help me when I need it,
And not when I don't.
Let me be myself,
It's fine to do what you won't.
So let me do what I do,
And don't tell me things twice.
Care what I do,
But let me manage my life.

It's May
And I'll kiss you by the light of your still decorated Christmas tree.

It's May,
And the rain comes down heavy from the dark clouds that lurk at every corner.

It's May
And we've only got a couple more months together.

It's May,
And I don't really care that you're leaving
Because it's May,
And for right now,
I'm happy.

Me and you.
Is it a problem,
Or a solution?

It's me against you.
Head to head.
We both want the same thing,
But only one can win.
We are not pouncing,
We are waiting.
Waiting...
Just waiting...
To see who,
Will surrender first.

I'm weak.
I so badly want to forgive him.
He's got that cute kind of side smile that you just can't stay mad at,
And those lips like a black hole, pulling everything around, until all you can focus on is him.
His voice is smokey, and I inhale it until I can no longer breathe.
And those eyes
Eyes like sapphires,
But by no means is he a gem.

I miss your smile,
I miss your smell.
I miss the secrets,
You'd never tell.
I miss the days,
You would read me books,
But before I knew it,
I was reading them to you.
And then you were gone,
And I couldn't make it through.
Now I look at your picture,
And remember the fun.
Wishing you could be here,
To see what I've done.

It's Monday.
Most people hate Mondays. Back to school, back to work, back to losing sleep. I don't particularly enjoy them either, but today is different. Today, I feel like this is the start of a new week. Last week was tough and all, but its all over now... Monday. We all want to curl back up under the covers in a cocoon of blankets. But Monday. All of last week's hardships are through. Gone. Over.

Today is Monday, November 12th, 2012.
There will never be another. Ever

Monday.
It's only a bad day if you make it one.

Whenever I see him I blush,
And to talk to him I'd rush.
But all the girls like him, too,
So my dreams go flush.
He doesn't even know,
Cause it's more than a crush.

"I'd be more of a morning person,
If I got to wake up next to you."
Instead of slapping my alarm until it shuts up,
And dragging myself into the shower,
I'd roll over,
And look into your eyes.
Just laying there...
Staring and forgetting the rest of the world.
You'd smile and say "Good morning!"
Yes... A very good morning.

BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZZZ!
I roll over to state at my pillow.
"One day..." I say as I hit my alarm clock until the buzzing stops.
I hop out of bed and trudge into the bathroom
I study myself in the mirror.
Frizzy hair...
Plain pajamas...
I continue to stare.
"...Good morning..." I say to my reflection.

If I were not human, I'd want to be a mountain.
Strong and wise,
Unchanged.
Tall.
Only those who work hard would make it to the top.
But if I weren't a mountain,
Or a human,
I'd want to be the ocean.
Wonderful and intriguing,
Lovely and dangerous.
I could be full of life as I gracefully swallow others whole.
But if I were not the ocean,
A mountain,
Or human,
I'd be a beach.
Even if you don't live near me,
Somehow my sand will still end up all over your house.
But I'm not a mountain,
An ocean,
Or a beach.
I'm slightly confused,
Lost on this mountain,
Sinking in this ocean,
And waking up amidst the sand.

Oh god, where do I even begin?
Maybe with his eyes.
Blue. Bright blue, staring into mine. And yeah, he's on the stage, and I'm in the crowd, but they're blue. Bright blue.
Maybe with his hands.
Skilful. Elegantly skillful, over the keys, the strings, the drums. And yeah, he's on the stage, and I'm in the crowd, but they're skillful, elegantly skillful.

Maybe with his mind.
Maybe with mine.
Maybe with how we think alike,
Or how I feel like he gets me.
And yeah he's on the stage, and I'm in the crowd, but he knows and I know and if only one of us would stop being so shy and awkward and just talk to one another.

I've fallen into this hole on my own.
Don't kid yourself,
It'll never happen

But I can't let go.
*Where do I even begin?

He'a a tornado. He's enchanting to watch, he leaves me dizzy for days, but he blows me away whenever I try to get close.
And he's a hurricane. His impact is powerful, it warns that I hide. But I drown in his eyes whenever I try to speak.

Us together feels natural.

*Us together is a disaster.

I need to leave.
I need to go somewhere the helps me,
Not hurts me.

I need to push.
I need to get myself out there and be seen,
Not ignored.

Something needs to happen,
I hope you can understand.

If you kissed me now,
I would forgive you forever.
If you grabbed my hand,
Let go?
I would never.
If you held me close,
I would love you more than ever.
But will you?
Never.

It's time.
It's been time.
It's a new year, I'm a year older and it's time. It's time that I move on. The things I felt I had needed had been holding me back. I was clinging onto pieces of him. Pieces that did not make up a full puzzle.
And I filled it in with fantasies, ideas, romanticizing what wasn't there; what was never there.
So it's time to move on,
Get on with my life.
And sure, he's still a really cool guy, but in order for me to get anywhere, I need to focus.

So that's my resolution
To move on.
Not to forget,
But simply, to turn the page.

I'm burrying my fears,
For there's no reason to be afraid.
I'm marrying my anger,
I'm dancing in the rain.
I've finally decided,
That I am good enough.
I'm gonna live my dream,
And I'm never waking up.

Lips chapped,
Hair a mess.
Love the feeling,
No one to impress.

And the word 'no' only makes me want it more.

The worst kind of reply is none at all,
Because it gives me time to rip myself apart.
And list all the thing’s I should’ve said,
And all the things I did.
Why build someone up just to let them down?

I always believed it was my fault,
When it was completely yours.
Because I thought I loved you,
And did not love myself.

Trying
I am trying.
I am trying hard.
I am trying so hard.
I am trying too hard.

you're a really nice guy,
but our conversations lack depth.
when I talk to you,
I feel like I'm drowning



*in the kiddie pool.

Saw him again...
Too awkward to say hi...
Probably doesn't remember...
5 in the morning...
Asleep on the basement floor...
Casually wave...
*Guess not.

'We' are not a thing.
'Us' does not exist.
I am not your 'girl,'
And I am not your 'friend.'

So there I was,
Not knowing what to do,
Upset that I'd,
Never see you.
Scrolling through pictures,
In the background you sit.
Glancing at my phone,
Can't stop smiling at it.
I thought we were over,
I thought we were through.
I thought that I'd,
Never see you.
But there's still hope,
For you and me,
I just need to find time,
To wait and see.

Because you're prettier.
You're skinnier.
Your hair is always perfect,
Skin is always smooth.
So go on.
Don't let me be in your way.
Run off with him.
Because 9 years means nothing.

Take some of my heart.
Just rip it to shreds.
Leave me with nothing,
But a hole in my chest.

So don't tell me you love me,
I'll push you away.
I'm not afraid of your feelings,
But of what I might say.

I was hanging on to something,
That wasn't really there.
It caused unnecessary pain,
That I could no longer bare.
So I let go of you,
As you did to me.
Our relationship was not functional,
Something I didn't see.
When ever you came to mind,
I used to feel pained,
But there's nothing I've lost,
And nothing I've gained.

I like you.
Or at least I like who I am when I'm with you.
When I look into your eyes,
I'm on a different planet.
I've always liked you...
Even before everyone else did.
I still do...
And I don't know if its worse if you know,
Or worse if you don't.

It bothers me.
You think I’m so simple.
So young, so innocent...
So....Clueless!
But I’m not.
I have felt heartbreak,
I have felt pain.
I’ve felt what it’s like,
To live in the rain.
I know what love is,
And I’ve said a ‘bad’ word.
I’m not so little anymore.
And I think it’s time you heard.

The sun sets,
Another day past,
I can finally close my eyes,
At last!
One day I will fall,
Or I'll go down some way,
And I can just pray,
That today's not that day.

Number 1:
He's got beautiful dimples and the most wonderful smile I've ever seen... Like, ever. Library guy. Talked to him for like 5 minutes, but I'd relive those 5 little minutes any day. I don't really know him, but I'd like to get to know him. Only problem is that we never seem to be in the same place at the same time.

Number 2:
We are so alike. It's almost scary! We're into the same kind of things and seem to get each other. We tried and it didn't really work, but I believe that the feelings are still there. Only problem is that  he's got a girlfriend and he's head over heels for her.

Number 3:
We've known each other for like.. Ever. I've always liked him. Through every little crush, every little fling, I've never stopped thinking about him. He's beautiful. Drop.Dead.Gorgeous. He's smart. He's talented. But all he wants is to be popular and he often loses himself. Only problem is that everyone else feels the same way about him.

Which problem would I like to solve?

They tell her she's an old soul.
Understanding beyond her years.
Her smile is tainted with sadness,
Pillow is stained with tears.

Yes, she's an old soul.
Knows things she was never taught.
She's got this streak of kindness,
The kind that can't be bought.

Why can't I do something right for once in my life?
Why can't I be good enough for you?

Why can't you say you're proud?
Just a pat on the back.
Just one little  'nice work.'

Once.
All I'm asking for is once.
It'd mean so much to me if just one time,
You could make me feel like a priority,
Not an inconvenience.

Once a cheater,
Always a cheater.
Just why did you have to be a cheater?

Once a heartbreaker,
Always a heartbreaker,
Just why did you have to break my heart?

*And why do I still love you?

There are certain things in life that we just can't have.

It's funny.

These are the things we always want most.

What happened to us?
And please tell me why.
Since when was it okay to just let people cry,
While they smile on the outside,
And utter mere lies.
We're all so broken,
But yet, we're 'fine.'

They're out there.
Don't give up.
Not today,
Maybe tomorrow?

And whenever it gets tough,
Just remind yourself that we're one day closer,
To it all being over.

My knees are weak,
My hands are pained.
I feel tired,
Emotionally drained.
I just push myself far.
Not too far I believe,
It’s just that I always,
Overachieve.

And suddenly,
This love,
It's a game of ping pong,
Whenever I strike,
You just return the hit,
But you've got the advantage.

Back and forth,
To and from.
Hit bounce hit bounce.
Soon the ball moves quickly from my side to yours

Our paddles swing rapidly,
Like a kayak on a strong current.

We wash up on the shore,
We sit and watch the sunset.
It's beautiful.
You look at me.
"I love you."
We look into each other's eyes.
It's intense,
But we lean in...

Ow!
Another daydream...
And I just got hit in the eye with the ball.

My heart.
It wasn’t yours to keep.
My eyes.
Are wet with tears.
My hand.
You are the reason its cold.
And I,
Am broken to pieces.

Then you go,
And break my heart.
Then you disappear,
Right before my eyes.
Then you go,
and let go of my hand.
And I,
Am left without you.

My heart.
Is now stronger than ever.
My eyes.
Roll at the sight of you.
My hand.
Is balled into a fist.
And I,
Am not yours.

Pathetic.
It means you failed pretty hard at something.
Hey,
Don't beat yourself up...
Pathetic.
Join the club.

It's late.
Don't waste your time,
Not on me.

I know you think I'll come around.

I won't.

It's late.
Don't waste your time,
Or at least not on me.

I know you think you're in love.

You're lonely.

It's late.
Stop wasting your time,
Please, not on me.

I know you think you know me.

You don't.

So please,
It's late,
Don't waste your time on me.

Personality.
It’s just never enough.
Is it?

It can’t win someone over,
It can’t change someone’s mind.
And rarely does it get you what you want.

Personality.
It’s just never enough.
Is it?

Because I don't care enough to want to learn this.

Monday, February 27, 2012
I just wanted to say to everyone to please stop bullying. Today in a town not so far from mine, a boy was bullied so much that he brought a gun to school and shot five people. 2 are dead, 3 are injured. Please stop bullying people! It's not cool, it's not funny, it's not anything that could possibly be good! Not only does that person feel the pain, but just as what happened today, others feel it too. It's not fair that a person was bullied and 2 people had to die for it. So all I can say is please, please, please stop bullying!

Chardon, you are in our thoughts and prayers.

I'm trying so hard and it's never good enough. I don't even care about my high standards for myself anymore, for I'm lucky to even meet the expectations of others. I'm watching everything that I'd gripped on to for so long and so tightly slip right out of my hands. The worst part is all I can do is sit and watch.