Stuck in reverse,
While others move with ease.
Things are turning up,
For everyone but me.

I have a bad habit of ******* things up,
And an even worse habit of not realizing that.
You seem really nice,
And I'd like to get to know you,
But I'm afraid to tell you.
Guess I'm just really good at pushing people away.

The last thing I thought of,
Before the goodbye,
Was the warmth of your lips,
And the sun in your eyes.
My pliable mindset,
Is a waste of your time,
I'm not looking for answers,
Just looking to find.

I'll conjure all my thoughts,
And I'll try to unwind.
Sit still and relaxed,
Just to pass time.
I'll battle with grace,
At least on the outside.
While the hole in my chest,
Fights the war with my mind.

Walks late at night,
Through the dark woods,
And whatever I do,
I feel up to no good
And I can't find the footing,
Of where I once stood,
I have fallen and broken,
More times than I should.

I'll conjure all my thoughts,
And I'll try to unwind.
Sit still and relaxed,
Just to pass time.
I'll battle with grace,
At least on the outside.
While the hole in my chest,
Fights the war in my mind.

Broken shadows in the bathroom mirror.
Remember back when I was young and didn't know and didn't care?

When I look at you,
You turn away.
Away to dream of yesterday,
Before you knew,
Darling,
Before you knew...

You're always happy.
It's a front.
It's a mask for the hurt that hides beneath those cold brown eyes.
Your mouth smiles but your eyes do not,
Nor does your heart.
It frowns and sighs deeply,
Longing for the trust and love it deserves.

Always happy,
Always nice,
Always there.
Doormat.

I know there's more,
But everyone uses you to wipe off their ***** feet between the outside and the inside.
You know, and think hey, at lease I'm not a toilet!
The optimist,
But why?

I saw it.
You smiled, but for a second it faulted.

All of the hurt,
Hate,
And Hard work,
Hides a soul.
It desperately wants, it needs outoutout,
And all it gets is trappedtrappedtrapped.
And it all hides,
In your sad brown eyes,
Behind that hopeless smile.

And he didn't text.
He didn't call.
Didn't write 'Happy Birthday!'
On my Facebook wall.

So when I blow out my candles,
There's one wish I must do.
Not to be yours,
But to get over you.

I'm glad for you.
You were never happy there anyways.
I'm just sad for the future...
But I'll pack up the tears,
And put the pity party on hold.
Time to say good bye.
Even thought I'm smiling,
Deep inside I'm crying.
I'm dying.
Things will never be the same.
At least your happy...

We had sparks,
I wanted flames.
I fell for you,
Who didn't feel the same.

Loneliness,
And sleepless nights.
Late night calls,
And losing fights.

We had sparks,
I wanted flames.
I got burned,
So who's to blame?

Some people hear voices.
Others hear music,
But the type that only is heard beneath their skulls.
Me?
I hear words.
Poems,
Lyrics,
Stories,
That have yet to he written down.
Sometimes I love it.
Other times it drives me crazy.

All of your transparent lies become visible.
Crystal clear,
We are scattered on the ground.
And suddenly I'm not blind anymore.

And they say she's 'weird.'
They say she's 'different.'
They make it sound like a bad thing.

Little do they know what is bubbling over,
Beaneath the surface.

Life is like a book,
But you can't go back,
And you can't skip a head.
You can turn the page,
You can twist the plot.
But you can't skip to the end.


You're the author.


*Keep writing.

You're only talking to me because she's gone.
I know.
But I've got nothing better to do...

It *****
A lot.
But its just a couple more weeks now.
We're gonna be just fine.

How did I let you go?
Did you regret 'us' when you left?
Did you watch me as I broke?
Did you look back as you walked away?

It's funny,
In a kind of sick, backwards way.

I used to be so set on everything being perfect, and I wouldn't be content with myself until I knew I tried to get it right. It's weird... The first time I was 'good,' not 'great,' I cried. Oh, what I'd do to be 'good.'

And I'm still the same...I guess.
I'd like to be perfect,
Or at least close to...
I'd like to be good at everything,
But I lack the drive that I used to manage so well.
I've stopped caring,
It's broken,
And I can't bring myself to *want * to fix it...

Ever have those moments,
Where you just let everything build,
And from the littlest things,
You break?

My parents.
They call me
"Headstrong."
"Obsessive."
"Crazy."

But what about passionate?

I know I'm young,
But there's a spark,
A flame,
A fire.
One that is far too strong to be extinguished by the words
"Headstrong."
"Obsessive."
Or even the dreaded "Crazy."

She makes him happy,
But I wish she didn't exsist.

He says he loves her,
But I wish he still loved me.

Jealous isn't the word,
But I wish I were her.

11,958,000 people affected yearly,
In the USA alone.
46 children a day,
Who may never return home.

Sons and daughters,
Mothers and fathers.

*We need to cure it

And I can't fight it.
I know how I feel, but never would I say it.
I,
I can't.
But I care about him.
Truly,
Deeply,
Care.
And her?
She wants a hand to hold,
An arm for her shoulder,
And open arms for her embraces.
And he cares for her.
Truly,
Deeply,
Cares.

And so do I,
But differently.
She's his,
He's hers,
She's my best friend,
And I want him to be mine.

The classic story that ends in two friends agreeing to never fight over guys.
So we won't fight over guys,
*But how can I fight how I feel?

Maybe it's for real,
But we know its a joke.
But they're cute together.

And I don't mind.

So we'll sit.
Watch the 'love,'
Watch the cars,
As they quickly drive by.

This means so much more to me than it does to you. All my life, this is all I've ever wanted, but to you it's just a hobby.

Here's my chance.

"Can I go?"
"We'll talk about it tomorrow."

But I know you.
That means no.

There goes my chance.

Been friends for years,
Haven't seen you in months.

Maybe you've forgotten all of the times,
All the times I was there,
All the times I listened.

So go ahead,
Don't invite me.

It's fine.
You're not the same anymore, anyway.

The summer of sadness is over,
The leaves have changed and part.
The winter freeze blows colder,
But the fire burns my heart.

So tell me where.
But where to start?

The small town symptoms crowd me
They try to push me down
But I know of a secret,
The light to lead me out.

So tell me where,
But where and how?

The waves of doubt are over
The tides now remain calm
The water will run bolder
And I'm ready to move on
My summer of sadness has ended,
My leaves have changed and gone.
The winter; I've befriended,
And the fire keeps me strong.

And this feeling- it's a choking sensation. It's this feeling of being held back.
Helplessness.
Trudging through each day, regretfully awaiting the next, I try and I try, but can't seem to care, can't seem to improve.
My opinion is no longer valid and I am no longer allowed to do what I love. I no longer have control.

What I love vs. What I should do

Go on,
Side with her.
You always do...
Everyone does.
She could do the wrongest thing,
And somehow it's always my fault.
So go on,
Side with her,
And when I quit,
It'll be too late,
To be on my side.

I've always felt like I'm rushing to go nowhere.

If I'm right,
I'm wrong.
If I'm wrong,
I'm still wrong.
There's no way out.
It's an endless game,
In which I can never win.

Why do I even come back to you,
When all you bring me is pain?
Why do I even think of you,
When all you do is make me insane?
Your love is like poison,
And I think I’m addicted.
Your heart is like gold,
But for me it’s restricted.
Why do I even talk to you,
When all you do is talk about her?
Why did I even fall for you,
I thought I knew for sure.
Your love is like an ocean,
And I think that I’m drowning.
You don’t even know,
How it’s your fault I’m frowning.
But I’ll keep coming back,
Until the last words are spoken.
Yes, I’ll keep coming back,
Until my heart is all broken.

Did we actually have something?
Did you feel it too?
Well you act like you didn’t,
But I know you still do.
Which leaves me confused.
Was it me,
Or you?
What did I say?
What did I do?
Did we have something?
Did you feel it too?
Then why’d you act like you didn’t?
I’m so confused.

You say it's a 'right.' You say it's  allowed to have these- These killing machines. Things are different now. We don't need this, for things have changed.

You just won't give up, huh?
Is it a pride thing? Does it make you feel powerful? Important?
Knowing that the lives of everyone around you,
Cower in the palm of your hand?


And with the simple jolt of a hand,
20 innocent children are dead.

You wouldn't dare say he had the 'right,'
Would you?

And once again,
It's two AM.
And she's awake,
Writing about him.
She can't explain in words,
Those feeling that occur,
When his face drifts in her head,
So she sings about it instead.

When he says hello,
Her thoughts just melt like snow.
And when he walks her way,
She forgets just what to say.

And once again, my friend,
I'm up at two AM.
I sit here all alone,
My thoughts shift into poems.

It began in the hallway
Lips gingerly moving to the tastes of bottles.

It started light.
You had those same Atlantic eyes that would rage hurricanes in my memories


I could do this for centuries.

I like the way you look at me.
I like that you search for eye contact.
I like your ****** expressions,
And the shape of your smile.
I think I like you.
A lot.

Knotted little flowers strung through her hair, like a daisy chain. Each bud, a different innocence to prey on.

How did something so lovely turn so lost?

Maybe I'm caught up in what used to be.
Maybe I'm stuck in what never was.

I'm losing things,
I'm falling over air.
Forgetting my books,
Forgetting to care.
Getting sick,
From all the rain.
Losing focus,
You're dancing on my brain.

We see what's in the light.
What cowers in pure sight.
We see behind the fog.
We can guess of what lies beneath the curtains,
Of the monsters beneath our beds,
And sleeping in our closets.
What hides within the storm?
We cannot see what we don't know.
We can't see what's lurking in the shadows.
We aren't afraid of the dark,
We're afraid of the unknown.
Don't turn the light off.

*Not tonight

Dear Future,
Oh! How I wish I knew of your winding secrets.

I'd do anything to know.

Endless nights thinking of my outcome.
Needless to say, I have some questions.
Do I marry someone nice?

Us...me and him...
Please, tell me it works out?

How will I look?
Am I successful?
Please.
Please.
You know the answer, all I've got are questions.
?

I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect daughter you had hoped for.
I'm sorry that my grades aren't all A's.
I'm sorry that I look like I'm about to laugh right before I cry,
And I'm sorry that after being your daughter for my whole entire life, you still haven't realized that.
I'm sorry that I have friends.
I'm sorry that I spend so much time on my computer.
I'm sorry that I listen to music and I'm sorry that I write poetry.
I'm sorry that I stay up so late.
I'm sorry that we have different priorities.
I'm sorry that I wrote this,
And I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

My heart's the crack in the sidewalk,
Disturbing smooth pavement,
And you're an invasive plant,
In the space that we share.

And I was the rubber,
Soles that ran on the pavement,
Just chasing some boy,
Who made it clear he won't care.

When I let my mind wander,
I stumble on pictures.
You rob me of memories,
Leave trails of despair.

And when I'm alone,
I desperately miss you.
Because though you weren't good,
At least you were there.

He's perfect.
So perfect.
His eyes shimmer like diamonds,
And diamonds are a girl's best friend.
And when he smiles,
The whole room just lights up,
Like fireworks on the Fourth of July.
When he looks into my eyes,
Just like candy on a hot summer day,
I melt.
As perfect as he is,
He's sometimes self centered.
He wants too badly to be popular,
All he wants is for people to like him.
But still,
All I want is to make him mine.

Unreal thoughts of what it meant to be beautiful.
Society taught her that she wasnt enough.
She felt as if she could never feel beautiful,
For they were all diamonds,
And she was the rough.

It's been  a while,
Five months to be exact.
I miss your dimpled smile,
I wish I could go back.

I only saw you twice,
And it'd be a stretch to call it love,
But someone's looking out for me,
Someone up above.

You infuriate me to the point that I
Ball my hands into fiery fists,
And cry a Red Sea into my palms.
You're a ******* parasite,
A virus.
Hell, you're an epidemic;
Infectious.

The distance between us,
Is very large.
Not by walking,
Not by car.

And I'd travel the distance,
You know I would.
I'd travel the distance,
If I could.

But you're so far away,
Doing great things,
I know...
While I sat in my bedroom,
And wrote this poem.

He's thousands of miles away,
Across the ocean.

The planets are light years away from each other.

We make up a tiny little piece of our galaxy,
Which floats amongst many in this vast universe.

And suddenly,
The distance isn't so far.

I’m done worrying about guys,
Because I know the one will just come.
All of my failed tries,
Have left me feeling done.
Now I’m worrying about me.
Me, myself, and I.
How can I be better?
I’ll never know until I try,
But these barriers and stumbling blocks,
Keep getting in my way,
Postponing my life,
Day by day by day.
I’m sick of sitting here idle.
I’m sick of watching from a distance,
So I guess this is my cue to take action,
And get myself what I want
*To get myself what I need.