And all I can do is think about you.
AlI can do is dream.
All of the calls, that I didn’t let through.
And all that I say, I don’t mean.

When I look at you,
You turn away.
Away to dream of yesterday,
Before you knew,
Darling,
Before you knew...

Eleven turns to midnight.
Midnight morphs into one,
One to two.

Two becomes 3, who is swallowed by 4.

If only my brain would shut up.

Blocking out the world,
Drowning the emptiness in my chest.

They think their words don't hurt her.

They think she'll always be there.

They do.

*And she won't.

I'm scared.
Terror, pure terror.
He knows.

He knows.

He knows how I feel about him.
How his smile is like magic,
How his laughter is like music.
He knows how I feel.

And the feelings aren't mutual.

At this very moment in time,
I'd be perfectly content and happy with disappearing.

****.

Gone.


But I can't.

I must face his funny glances.
I must quiet her flirty laughter.
Must mend my broken heart.

A breath of fresh air in a sea of fumes.
A burst of light in a world layered with darkness.
The hands at my throat are gone.
That choking,
That sinking,
The suffocation has ended.

The sleepless nights welcome me in with open arms.

Hypnotized...
Going through the motions, but not feeling.
Half asleep, somewhere inbetween consciousness.

I want to let it go.

But he made me feel like...
Like someone.

He gave me someone to impress,
Someone to talk to,
And a goal.

I felt alive...
Physically, I'm fine. Could use a trip to the gym, but I'm fine.
Emotionally, I feel dead. At the saddest time throughout this whole mess, I didn't cry.
There weren't any tears left.

No anger, no tears, no words.

Drowning everything and everyone out with music with lyrics that don't even make sense.
Nothing does anymore.

And I want to say it's okay,
To make things like they used to be.
But the damage has been done.
Once again,
Here I am:
Hurt...
As usual.

Poetry and music...
A window into someone else's soul.

I tried to be more open.
All I wanted was someone to understand,
But I always pushed people away.
So I tried to open up.

As a result I've only further broken my heart,
And now have reason to keep others out.


*It's been 13 days of this new year,
And all I want is to disappear.

My parents are taking a ton of stuff away from me.... Won't be on as much anymore... Sorry?

I'm the safety net.
I'm the fall back on,
Backup plan.

I'm insecure about a lot of things.
I've got a lack of self-confidence beyond compare.
Never will I ever tell anyone,
Because all they do is remind me of why.

I used to always think it was them.
I thought I hadn't done anything wrong.
I believed that they were the ones missing out.

But now I know.
Now I know that it was me *the whole time.

Because you're prettier.
You're skinnier.
Your hair is always perfect,
Skin is always smooth.
So go on.
Don't let me be in your way.
Run off with him.
Because 9 years means nothing.

Why can't I do something right for once in my life?
Why can't I be good enough for you?

Why can't you say you're proud?
Just a pat on the back.
Just one little  'nice work.'

Once.
All I'm asking for is once.
It'd mean so much to me if just one time,
You could make me feel like a priority,
Not an inconvenience.

If its not broken,
Don't fix it.
If there isn't a problem,
Don't solve it.
Let life take its course,
Because you can't change the future.

Lips chapped,
Hair a mess.
Love the feeling,
No one to impress.

I've had a good week.

Although I've cried an exploded,
I've smiled and I've laughed.
I've worked hard and I feel alive.

It's refreshing. It feels nice.
Instead of just going through the motions,
I'm feeling again.

From sitting and thinking,
Constant falling and failure,
It feels nice,
To feel.

159 days from now,
I will be the happiest ******* the planet.

One hundred and fifty nine.

I've been counting for over a year and
I
Can't
Wait!

Ever have those moments,
Where you just let everything build,
And from the littlest things,
You break?

"I'd be more of a morning person,
If I got to wake up next to you."
Instead of slapping my alarm until it shuts up,
And dragging myself into the shower,
I'd roll over,
And look into your eyes.
Just laying there...
Staring and forgetting the rest of the world.
You'd smile and say "Good morning!"
Yes... A very good morning.

BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZZZ!
I roll over to state at my pillow.
"One day..." I say as I hit my alarm clock until the buzzing stops.
I hop out of bed and trudge into the bathroom
I study myself in the mirror.
Frizzy hair...
Plain pajamas...
I continue to stare.
"...Good morning..." I say to my reflection.

And the word 'no' only makes me want it more.

It was stupid.
So stupid.

My whole life, I'd been hoping that this dream would come true. Through the toughest of times, I'd tell myself "It's okay, someday..."

But what am I supposed to do now?
Dreams of 'someday' lay shattered on the kitchen counter.
I want to disappear.

Shot down by those who were supposed to support me.

Never once did it cross my mind that they were all lying. Never.

But who are we kidding?
Little girl with a big idea.

And that's all it'll ever be.
*An idea.

I really want out,
But I'm terrified of what lies ahead.

I just want to be good enough at something or good enough for someone.

That's all.

This means so much more to me than it does to you. All my life, this is all I've ever wanted, but to you it's just a hobby.

Here's my chance.

"Can I go?"
"We'll talk about it tomorrow."

But I know you.
That means no.

There goes my chance.

This isn't fair.
You use to call me your caterpillar.
But I've grown up, so let me fly.

I don't sleep at night.
I'm stuck on a one way street to failure,
And I stay up wondering, how can I turn this around?

*How can I turn this around.

We'll talk about it tomorrow,
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Day after day,
The same reply.
And I accept it.
We'll talk about it tomorrow,
Even though we're both well aware that we won't. .

Life is like a book,
But you can't go back,
And you can't skip a head.
You can turn the page,
You can twist the plot.
But you can't skip to the end.


You're the author.


*Keep writing.

'We' are not a thing.
'Us' does not exist.
I am not your 'girl,'
And I am not your 'friend.'

Don't tell her.
Never tell her that her dreams can't come true.

There's a small percent that it could happen.
small,
But it's something.

Don't tell her.
The reality she's in kinda *****,
So she made one up.

*Don't tell me.

If you say that you're fine,
But really you're shaking.
Playing it cool,
When your whole world is breaking.
Say you're all alone,
Thinking nobody cares.
I'll stick around and listen.
For you, I'll be there.

His arms are strong,
And embraces the weak.

His piercing blue eyes,
Melt anything they see.

His voice is like velvet,
Singing so soft and sweet.

And his heart is true.
He loves no one but me.

And now she's home.
Sure,
I missed her...
But now he won't be talking to me any time soon...

You're so far,
I can't breathe.
I need your light,
So I can see.

Keep me warm,
Keep me close,
Hold me tight,
Don't let go.

You love her.
Won't let go.
I love you.
You'll never know.

There are thoughts,
Swirling around in my head,
Meaningful things,
That I left unsaid.

You only live once...
More commenly known as YOLO
God, I'm such a nerd...Did I actually just say that?
...well that's new...

Anyways...
Though the song actually doesn't serve this message much good, (but has the capacity to get stuck in my head ALL THE TIME) this message is quite true.

I've been spending far too much time moping around about how my dreams never come true and a bunch of **** that means the world to me now and won't matter later....

I know this isn't poetry, but I wanted to get this out and write something that felt personal... Something that felt like me talking...almost...

So I realized that we really do only live once (duh) and that I don't want to follow the standard little path we're all started on and brainwashed into thinking  leads to success. I don't want to have a ton of money but hate what I do. Really, I'd rather just be happy.

When I'm older, I want to look back at my life and be proud of myself. I want to look back and think that I lived a happy life.

So I know I'm young. I know that 20 years from now I won't remember the cold winter night at 2:17 am that I wrote this. I won't remember why I had a crush on that one boy in 8th grade.

But, I will remember being happy, or more commenly unhappy and I don't like being unhappy, no one does.

Something's wrong and I think it's time to stop acting like it's not.

So yeah, I'm young. I've got a long road behind me and an even longer one ahead. I've got a lot of choices and mistakes to make. I've got a lot of things to fix.

I've got a pile of homework to catch up on, and a couple thousand ideas to write down.

It used to be when I grow up, I want to be a doctor.
An astronaut.
A figure skater.
A singer,
A gymnast,
A doctor,
President,
And so on,
But at this point, I want to be happy.

What would you do if I kissed you,
Would you return the gesture?
And when we pull away,
Would you lock your fingers between mine,
Stare deeply into my eyes,
And tell me how you feel?





Probably not.

If I kissed you,
You'd draw back.
And when you got away,
We'd never speak again.

There are dark parts in my mind.
Untraveled little crevices in which my most terrifying dreams dwell.
But there are even more things that I don't say.
Things I won't,
Things I can't.
Until of course I crack and the whole facade comes tumbling down,
Unveiling the walls that I worked so hard to keep up on the inside.

Sometimes I'm my best friend.
Sometimes I'm my worst enemy.
Sometimes I tear myself down.
Self doubt.
Until my barriers are crashing down.

But they mustn't get to me.
So I build up the walls,
Brick
By
Brick
Until I cannot hear anything,
Except the blood rushing in my head.

I need to leave.
I need to go somewhere the helps me,
Not hurts me.

I need to push.
I need to get myself out there and be seen,
Not ignored.

Something needs to happen,
I hope you can understand.

To all the times I spent alone.
All the times I made the same mistakes repeatedly.
All the times I wasted being unhappy.
All the times I spent being heartbroken over some guy I won't even remember 20 years from now.

20 years from now.
It's been awhile since I've thought about that...

In 20 years....
Well, I'd be older for one thing...
Maybe living my dream...
Maybe failed trying...

20 years from now,
I don't know who I'll be,
Where I'll be,
Or what I'll be.

But that's okay.
Because today,
I am happy.

If we spend all of our time thinking about the future, we'd become oblivious to the now.

We have the choice to live or to exsist.

This passed year,
I exsisted.
I didn't do anything too special,
And I wasn't particularly happy either.

In 2013 and every year to follow,
I'm promise to live,
And 20 years from now,
I hope I kept my promise.

Happy New Years everyone!

And no matter what I do, you'll never look at me the same way that you look at her.
Sure,
She's prettier and flirtier,
She knows what to do in this kind of thing.

But me?
I've got a dream,
And just watch me make it a reality.

Never close your eyes,

Never turn your back,

On what matters the most.



Who cares what you wore,

Or what she thought about your shoes.

You've got something.

Everyone's got something.


I ask one thing of you.

You're talented.

*Don't waste it.

I dreamed that I kissed you.
You were as shocked as I was.
"I'm not sorry," I whispered as I walked away.

Surrounded by family and friends.
Nothing to do,
Nowhere to go,
Peace.

Breathe
The weekly suffocation is over...
Well not over,
But paused.

Breathe
Savor it,
Enjoy it.
In a week and a half,
My everyday craziness will resume.

But for now,
I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I'm not lonely when I'm alone.
And sometimes I find more comfort in myself than others.
Sometimes I like to put my head phones on and sit and think.
Sometimes I sit in my room all by myself and write for hours and hours and hours.
Sometimes everything anyone does has the capacity to bother me.
Sometimes I like being alone.

Take some of my heart.
Just rip it to shreds.
Leave me with nothing,
But a hole in my chest.

So don't tell me you love me,
I'll push you away.
I'm not afraid of your feelings,
But of what I might say.

My mother used to tell me of her dreams of being a figure skater. She made sure to start my brother and I early, so as soon as I could walk, I was on the ice. I wasn't bad... Nothing special, but potential was all I needed. I remember watching the big girls in their pretty, sparkly costumes jump and twist. I remember saying to myself "I wanna be like that." Sunday mornings flew by, each one becoming harder and harder, and soon I was offered a private instructor. At this point my mother had given me the choice to continue. Ten years old and well aware of my strengths and weeknesses, I quit. I wanted to go shopping on Sundays. I wanted to have play dates and eat ice cream. I didn't want to spend it in that freezing cold arena, working on something that I may or may not be good at. So I quit. Gave up.
Occasionally I miss it and go back to that arena. I put on the bright, white 'big girl' skates that I used to look forward to growing into. Doing laps around the rink, I try to recall what I'd once known... Crossover, jump, spin, turn. Not as grand as they used to be...
I see the little girls in the middle, they look about ten. They wear pretty little costumes and shiny white skates as they hop, spin, crossover, jump, effortlessly.
I wonder about where I'd be if I'd continued...
One of the girls falls out of her spin and lays there helplessly on the ice. She looks as if she's going to try again, but her face reads: I want to quit.
She sighs and stands up. I skate over and tap her on the shoulder.
"Don't give up. I promise, you'll regret it."
I hop off of the ice and compare what I could've been to what I am.