whenever i have *** it feels like
i am subletting my body to fingers
and mouths and
genitals
every gentle touch reminds me
of how i am
******* beautiful,
a bombshell,
suicide blonde,
a perverted venue
surrounded by a thorny cage of ***** hair.

every time our eyes meet,
i can feel you walking the tightrope
between living out the torture **** fantasies you have
and falling in love with me.

whenever i have ***,
i scratch your back until i can feel
the skin come off and under my fingernails

you say you love me
and then you say my *** changed your life
every word you say is
like breaking your back slamming an
axe into a tree only to
pull it out and
slam it in again

i can't escape this ego
but ill be ****** if i CANT GET THE **** OUT OF THIS BODY

a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

dear percocet,

i love you, destroy me.
leave me breathless, leave me light
rip the inhibition away along with my sadness,
you are a highway full of toll roads  i'll never get off of
with a very clear, dark destination
(you're worth it)
someone on the internet said that love is defined by sacrifice

what wouldn't i give?

"Percocet can slow or stop your breathing. An overdose can be fatal."

MY WINDOWPANE IS CRACKING.

i touched a sweet girl too long ago
my hands traveled the hills and valleys of her soft skin
and my mouth crashed archaically, desperately against ****** territory
i tasted the lotion she wore and smelled the fear
and the shampoo her stepmother buys her.
i left bruises on this girl
because her body is a map
and i am here.

I feel calmest kissing strangers,
gently edging their head closer to mine,
tongue crashing against their lips
like full tides against a shore
and hand on their thigh.
I feel safest popping pills,
knowing the way my head will feel like
a balloon that has been let go.
I feel free when the silly boys
pull a ****** on and look at me like I am holy
while they *** inside of the cosmos between my legs.
I'd rather be reckless than restless,
I'd rather be full of the wrong things than empty.

I am my light, I am my savior
My ego feeds on *** and drugs
Fueling my archaic fluorescence,
Ephemeral guises of love and permanence.
My aberrant, absconding soul is always hungry.
This restlessness is eating away my passion.
I am floundering out, spinning to the ground
But even at rock bottom,
I am Technicolor.

deleted

i wish i could say
you make me feel
things i never have before

I do not bite my fingernails
at the thought of you
crawling back and infecting me;
I refuse to be your host.

I will flick you away
like ashes
and you will burn
and crumble
in the wind.

I will not let you touch me.
I will drown you.

You will be gone.

I am here. I am here. I am here.

Your face is tattooed on the inside of my eyelids,
I take your words like medication,
your scent of sunflowers and thunderstorms is so clear to me that
I pretend it lingers on my skin.

Visions of linoleum floors
soaked in your blood;
needles lying on the ground,
your body shaking and taken away
haunt me.
The possible future is filling
my nightmares and I don't know
how to tell you to stop.

You are my drug of choice
but I wish you'd change yours.

n

they had to watch you the first night you were there;
your body was shaking and your mind was strained
and the librium wasn't helping.
you sat with me the next day
and I examined your tall,
gangly frame.
your eyes were
the color of a lake in indiana.
you held the door for me
every time
and hid a photograph of your mother
in your plain black sock.
one day
you told me that the drugs
weren't to get high anymore,
they were to get normal.
you cried when I left
and i cried because you cared.
"i'll miss you!
love you"

there is no such thing as a candid romance,
just words and poses to make people want what you're pretending you've got.

you reek of sulphur, you always did.
the lone match found at the start of an arson.
an insult, a dare:
the embodiment of the phrase,
"make me."

she was so queer,
and looked like my lucky clear lighter;
i could watch the fuel run down
with each cigarette and firecracker lit.

there is no romance
just different ways to start fires.

i kissed nine people on the mouth last night
but i wish i'd been kissing you.
i danced for hours last night
until my feet were numb and my head was spinning.
i wish i had the courage to tell you
i'd much rather have been watching you.
so many people shared their physical
free love with me
but all i could think is "do you still love me?"
and with each beat of the pounding bass-line,
over and over i thought
*"please miss me"
"please miss me"
"please miss me"

the peonies in the front yard are just starting to bloom.

the only thing i lust for anymore is sleep.
my fingers are aching to touch another human being,
and when a woman lugging around her child
in a stroller asked me the time,
i dropped the package i'd been collecting
from the post office
while fumbling for my phone.
i cried on the way home,
and applied a thick coat
of red lipstick.
thinking perhaps the camouflage of confidence
would hide the fact that i am merely
wilting husk of vapidity.

the peonies in my yard will die
in six weeks.

THE SMELL OF YOUR HAIR MAKES ME WANT TO VO
MIT BUT THEN AGAIN SO DOES EVERYTHING. IF I BRE
ATHE IN ANY MORE OF THIS FILTERED AIR MY BILE W
ILL COVER THE CARPET. AT TWO IN THE MORNING I W
ONDER IF THE PORTLY MAN WHO ORDERED A SALAD
THAT HE DIDN'T REALLY WANT AT MCDONALD'S COU
LD TELL THAT THE GIRL HE ASKED TO SUPERSIZE HIS F
RIES PERFECTLY RESEMBLED A TEACUP WITH A CRACK
JUST BIG ENOUGH TO LET YOUR PRETENTIOUS ******
G BLACK COFFEE SPILL THROUGH. SHE RAN HER HAN
D ACROSS THE STAR TATTOOS HIDDEN BEHIND HER EA
R BEFORE SHE HANDED HIM HIS CHANGE AND I WONDE
RED IF I COULD OFFER HER A CIGARETTE BEFORE THE GR
EY VAN THAT LOOKS LIKE CONCRETE COMES TO TAKE HER
BACK TO THE JAIL SHE RESIDES IN. MY SKIN IS TURNING
THE SAME COLOR GREY AS THAT VAN AND I AM SEEING
NEW VEINS IN MY ARM AND I AM A SLOUCHED WITHER
ING ENSEMBLE OF DECAY DESTINED TO DIE IN A POOL OF
***** AND BURIED IN THE VERY EARTH THAT KILLED ME

waking up from nightmares
of waking up in a morgue,
i question if i really want to die.
but then each word
i hear feels
like a hot needle against my skin
and i sleep for hours
hoping to wake up
on that cold
metal
slab.

everyone needs
to leave me alo
ne because it hu
rts me too look
at them and I d
on't know wher
e I am and the
bed reeks of s
ex and laundry
detergent and
when I die will
my hair be stra
ightened? mak
e up my own fu
cking lyrics and
cry a lot and c
ount my allies
on my fingertip
s when did eve
ryone start hati
ng me?? am I
going to hell? i
s this hell? mu
sic isn't beaut
iful anymore b
ecause of you,
you ******* fu
ck why do I ev
en bother with
you why did I
even talk to yo
u you were alm
ost as ****** a
s I am!!! I'm sca
red to stick it t
o the man

all the lightbulbs in the world won't keep me warm

the intricacy of lines on your palm won't save you from a ****** future

god is hiding in the bruises on their knees

eat me out and leave a husk

they drowned me in an ocean of ***** and blood

n n bk bknkj

It's two in the morning
and I'm lying in bed,
listening to the blues
and smoking.
You light up my phone:
"God, we could've been great."

The guitar weeps
and sings me ballads
of lovers lost.

With each exhale,
I hope to rid my system of you.

I am a child of the sun
and it is night.

Did it make you feel good
to give a girl twelve years your junior
enough ******
to **** her?

Does it get you hard
when you see her
fall back,
susceptible to you?

Did it make you feel like a man
to make her blood
almost as toxic
as you?

How do you fall asleep at night?

today a little girl
not past the age of seven
told me that she wished
she was like me.

my lungs were suddenly
filled with fire
and in between the
pounding
of my heartbeat
i realized

i cannot remember
that last time
i wanted to be
like me.

i'm so sick
of hearing you
apologize.

if you
come to me
crying
begging for my forgiveness
and telling me
you're the reason
that i am
****** up
i will
punch
you
in
your
*******
face.

grow up.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I love you and I thought you knew that.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

What happened to the plans we made?

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Your mother called me today.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

You never did your half of the dishes.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Thank you. For everything. I mean it.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Why would you do this to me?

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

*******. You took everything away from me! Everything!

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I'm sorry. Please come back.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

My sheets don't smell like you anymore.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Not even drugs make me happy anymore. You took everything. I hope you know that.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so ******* much.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I love you. I do. I always will. I promise. ****.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so much.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Your sister is shutting off this phone and I don't know what I'll be able to do if I can't call you.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so ******* much. I visited your grave today. I can't believe I've survived fifteen days without you.

beep
beep
beep

The number you have dialed is not in service. Please check the number and dial again. Good-bye.

beep beep beep*

I'll hear your voice again tomorrow. I love you. I'll see you soon.

even when all you want
is to
trip
trip
trip
i want to catch you when you fall.

even when all  you crave are
needles
needles
needles
i still crave you.

even  when  all you feel
is
cold
cold
cold
you are still new to me.

even when you are gone
i love you.

i love you.

when my lips touched yours i knew it was a lie
but you never let me taste the truth.

when i saw you, my thrilled, sparkling eyes
never matched your red, faded ones.

when i traced the curves of your body
you moaned harder than you should have.

when you touched me
i finally felt right

but you were never there when you were with me
so i know that i am still wrong.

when my lips touched yours i knew you were a lie
but all i ever gave you was the truth.

Home was having my best friend
hold my hair back
because I'd had one too many shots.

Home was listening to him
play a combination of notes
that told the stories of lovers' pasts.

Home was kissing a beautiful dark-haired girl
and laughing because
her saliva tasted like sativa.

Home was a place of sunshine,
peasant skirts, reggae.
Boys covered in dreadlocks smiling up at me from their yoga.

Home was falling asleep
on Vicodin
and sadness.

but now I am just lost.

I hate everything
Vicodin doesn't get me high
The under-wire of my bra is cold
Punk is never coming back
My parents hated me
Some books are hard to read
Cigarettes made Janis even better
I need a cigarette
Bleach smells terrible
People go to work with wet hair
Four people were murdered in my city
I have a rash on the inside of my elbow
She didn't want me back
Women have to shave
Pillow creases draw lines on my face
I want to go back to bed.

lines of blue
and indigo
drawn just under your skin.
the beginning sketch
of a human.
pumping your
sustenance all
the way
to
your fingertips.
hide the tip of a needle
in them.
our hearts beat
in synonymy.
i love your veins
even when you make them
collapse.
i love you
when you collapse.

i am afraid to face you sober.
i don't want to look into eyes that aren't dilated.
don't read me passages from your book about living clean.
i like you when you're high.

when you're sober you don't like me.
when she was sober she didn't like me.
why doesn't anyone like me.

i am not afraid of reality.
i am afraid to be your reality.

my head hurts
where am i
i smell like *****
...
not mine.
the walls are moving
but i can't hear anything.
took her away
the drugs took her away
ithought they were going to help me
you sadi they wer going to hel[ me
help me
where are you
are you with god
i wish i could see you
aire youi still beatuitful

**i miss you so much

Sometimes
I get scared
that maybe
I don't like
the things that I like.

That my yearning
to be liked
has caused me
to lie to
myself.

The scary part is
I don't know
if I'm right or wrong.

Don't lie to me.
Don't pull me into your *******.
The self-concocted issues.
You are not brave for pulling through.

You are a coward.

People don't want each other
for their
issues.

*****.