Standing in the shadow of the day
Enveloped by the darkness
Petrified to step into the burning light
Watching humanity self destruct
from the comfort of my shadow
The sadness and guilt drive me closer to the edge
Wanting to just put one hand out
To try and save even one soul from destruction
Even though I know that doing so will only leave me burnt
Still I cower in my solidarity
I lock away all the inner decay
Hoping that by hiding it from the light will make it go away
So cold and lonely here
Yet I find the pain familiarly soothing
This shroud of emptiness and resentment have become my cloak
Sheltering me from the dagger of society piercing what is left of this heart
Sparing me the rejection of others
And the judging eyes of the hypocrites that fill the streets of hell
Exchanging only brief glances
Screaming out for help with a single stare into the eyes of another
Praying that someday someone would see the sadness and rescue me
Only problem is I am surrounded by demons not angels

Its a pain that I'm unable to explain.
Physical yet emotional all in the same way.
To the outside world its invisable and non-existent
But inside there is a stabbing, gut wrenching pain.
A blade being ****** through my abdomen over and over again.
Until nausea over comes and chokes me close to drowning
The very organs that make me a woman are poisoning my blood, my life force
Every emotion is magnified, intensified
made into a life ending dilema
Every nerve throbbing, transferring through every part
Making my legs weak and my heart race
The blood running through my veins has become acid
Alone in this prison of emotional and physical hell
No tender hand to caress my cheek
No soothing, comforting words to lul me to sleep
No strong arms to wrap me up tight
No soft lips to kiss me goodnight
The darkness of solitude is seeping in
To encompass and destroy any small bit of hope left
Fate has cursed my every move
Tarnished every hello, expecting and waiting for the goodbye
Destined to wallow for all eternity in my own tears

To my sweet daughter:
I may not be able to come to every field trip
Because mommy has to work
I may not be able to attend every class party
or every school holiday or every PTA meeting
I want you to know in my heart I am always with you
Even though this life has dealt us a complicated hand
I will do the best I can to be everything you need me to be.
Mom and Dad all in one, provider and parent
My heart breaks that I am not able to always be there
Not able to give you the world like I wanted to before you were
even born.
Know your love fills my heart, know I would lay down my life
to protect you.
Know that I would sacrifice every thing weather it be possessions or persons
For you.
At night I watch you sleep and wonder and pray
That one day you will understand, one day you will see
how much mommy worried for you, wished for you,
How hard mommy tried to be everything
I am sorry sweetie that some days I find myself so
exhausted that I barley have the energy to play
My mind constantly races all night long and all day
Making sure I did everything I needed to for you that day,
making sure I can save for school things like pictures, book fair,
summer camp, valentines. I never want you to go without, and I
promise I will do anything I have to so that you don't have to experience
that feeling.
And if you get a boo boo I will always be there to kiss it and make it better
And if someone breaks your heart I will be there to hug you and buy you
ice cream to make it better.
Seeing you smile lights up my life, is my reason for living
Even though its just mom
I promise that always and forever I will love you
Never dessert you

Excitement overtakes every inch of my body
Anticipation of your face, your smell your touch
No matter what length of time passes the feeling
never dissipates.

The constant feeling of joy like a kid on Christmas,
The overwhelming emotion that fills my heart and soul
at just the thought of you, the mention of your name.

Suddenly a smile has washed away all memory of the frown
that once resided permanently on my face.
The sorrow of loss, the torment of heart break has been replaced
by peace.
All the what ifs, the will I ever? The rambling of my mind that once
consumed me, left me sleepless to wonder through past and present
mistakes has been silenced.
Contentment, what a new and welcomed emotion.
Able to finally feel confident and comfortable in my own skin.
All because of you.
You ,who sees me the way I always wished I could
You, the voice that calmed the raging sea of my soul
You ,who when our eyes meet the world disappears.
You, whom I will never take for granted
Living, residing in each moment with you is all I will ever want or need.

I have no monetary wealth to give
No gift of gold, frankincense, or myrrh
No diamonds to shine or rubies to sparkle
My gift is one of the heart
My gift never goes out of style
and will never go bad or loose its grandeur
The only gift everyone wishes to have returned
A gift that if shared will multiply and spread to the entire species of man.

My gift to all is the kindness of an open heart
A promise to lend a helping hand
A kind work of encouragement
A hug when you are feeling blue
A ear to lend and to listen
A shoulder to cry on

A promise to you all
To be a friend to catch you when you fall
To never let you feel the sting of solitude
I dedicate my life to the goodwill of man
To not let a day pass by without giving a smile to a saddened soul
A compliment to a broken heart
To uplift spirits in any way humanly possible.

Even though my gift may seem small
I offer it to one and all
May we not waste a moment or take for granted how beautiful the gift of life can be.
May an example of love and kindness that was born in a manger fill our hearts and spill out into this cruel world.
Merry Christmas to all!

I've found solace in your arms.
Found my heart in the reflection of your eyes.
Found redemption in your kiss.

All my life I have prayed for you.
Imagined the sound of your voice, the shape of your face.

Knowing that the moment we met I would recognize you instantly
No doubt or question that you are my other half.

Sweet, soft, slow tingling sensation that fills my body and replaces the
blood pumping through my veins.

Hypnotized by your gaze,
I forget every heartache, every bit of pain I have ever felt.

Unable to resist your charm,
To control this smile that starts in my soul and radiates through my face.

So similar in spirit, we complete each other.
Predestined encounter has forever changed my life.

I knew your heart, your touch before we ever came face to face.
Two garments made from the same cloth
Our souls were joined before they every came into this world.
True Soul mates.

My hand fits perfectly into yours.
Like a lock and key
You have opened up a whole new world to me.

Endless possibilities, breathe taking moments, and grand adventures.
Abundant blessings shown to us with every new day.
Our future is being revealed page by page.
A true fairy tale.

After years of emotional abuse from a man I thought loved me
After  a lifetime of comparing my body to supermodels in magazines
After decades of staring in the mirror and being ashamed of what I see
Trying to hide from public, Covering the scars with makeup and hairspray
Painting away what I saw as ugly
Too fat, Too round, Too curvy, Too thick
Double chins and a belly that never disappeared after giving birth
Society stained my soul
Made me question every piece of clothing I bought
Made me nervous to go in public
Provided anxiety that was paralyzing
Transformed a fun loving young girl into a scared and unstable women
Constantly unable to stop comparing myself to others
Looking for someone to see my true beauty, when I couldn't even see it myself
The hardest lesson I have had to learn in these 33 years on this earth
Is how to love myself, truly
I may seem narcissistic to some, because I do like to have a photo taken
But that is not because I see the beauty its because I constantly am seeking approval and admiration from others that I have be unable to provide to myself
I am done living in the prison in which I have created
Time to let go of all expectations and really be free
Free to be myself
Free to love my body and every scar present
Free to show others my soul, my heart
The true self that resides inside this earthly body
The spirit which posses more that any exterior could show
To be able to see the amazing light given to me by our creator
To be able to look in a mirror and see the love it took to create me
The love that is more beautiful than anything material in this world.

As a child the frustration and aggravation we caused our parents counting down the days until Christmas or our Birthday.

And those afternoons in elementary school trying not to doze off while counting the minutes until the dismissal bell would ring.

The older I got the more I've counted my life away.
Count the years until 16 to be able to drive and be free.
Count the years until 21 to be able to drink and feel like a grownup.

Counting the months then years of the length of each relationship
Waiting to be wed.

Then counting the negative pregnancy tests over and over becoming hopeless that I would ever be able to count little toes and fingers.

Counting the tears that I shed for my husband, as the fairy tale family I dreamed of turned into a nightmare.

Counting the nights left alone, scared and waiting for him to return home.

Counting the minutes between each contraction.
Counting the moments before my miracle would arrive.
Then counting the staples in my belly where she had to be taken from my body so that we would survive.
Finally counting ten piggies and ten little fingers

Counting the hours and days daddy left us alone and scared in the hospital for him to party and drink.

Counting the paragraphs on the separation papers
Counting the steps to the court house
Counting the people watching as my romance and love was flushed away

Counting the almost endless nights praying for me and my baby
Counting her smiles, counting her wishes
Counting her Birthday's

Counting the moments I am blessed to be her mom
Counting the hours of work to be able to return home to her.
I will spend my lifetime counting.

Distance is my enemy
Space has imprisoned me
This void swallows me whole
Holding my heart in a vice until you are here to release it.

Miles of highway hold me hostage
Rope made of time binds my soul
My dreams are my only solace until you return to my arms.

Solitude is torture when there is someone you crave to be next to,
Loneliness starts to seep in, Covering my heart slowly until I feel as if I am drowning.
The breathe being pulled out of my lungs,
So painful, so intense, losing consciousness
Being here without you literally causing so much pain.

Unfair fate, you tease me
Allowing me to find my true love, my one and then not allow us to stay together.
Cruel Karma, is this your will?
To truly experience ecstasy
Only to have it snatched away from me.

To wander in the darkness
Knowing the position of my light
But never being able to contain it.
The time together seems to disappear in the blink of an eye
While the seconds become days without you.

Actions speak louder than words, unless your words and actions speak different languages.

Is it too much to ask for a warm embrace?
The liberating touch of love, a smile on your face.
I long for that unbridled infatuation,
Someone who can't take their gaze away from mine
A kindred soul, a undecidable connection
Someone to read me poetry, sing me a lullaby
Does that form of love even exist?
Fate inspired, immediate spark
That can't be extinguished even with a wave of strife
Selfless, unleashed, unbreakable love
The type that moves mountains, that stops the heart
Making those souls unable to be apart
In this world today is it so hard to believe
It once existed, no games, no drama
A simple exchange of a smile, or glance
That moves the sun and moon, and never looks back
Once it was so simple, so easy to do
Now seems so complicated, so hard
Too many choices, temptations, sins
Never loyal, always with wondering eyes
Why? What happened to true love?
Has it been taken away by the lust, and ******* of this society
Find me a old soul, one who lets all inhibition go
Worship and cherish my soul, and I will do the same
Believe in Fate, love, the unseen
All material worldly goods mean nothing,
When that is found, there I will be
A dreamer, a lover, a fighter
That is me.

It's an irritating itch that I cannot reach.
A nightmare that replays over and over.
This undying urge to search for love.

Addicted to the high that comes with new and possible forever,
Constantly looking under every rock, afraid that it has already passed me by.
Blind to warnings, lies or danger.
Seeking comfort, affection, admiration from a stranger.

Obsessed with this ideal, this fairy tale that becomes a drug.
Drunk off the thoughts, the memories of a love.
Drowning in solitude, I gasp for the sweet air only he can give.

Always wearing my heart and every emotion on my sleeve.
Exposed, Naked in a crowd.
So many scars cover what's left of my soul.
They bleed and reopen, still I seek something to fill this whole.
Screaming at the top of my lungs but no one around to hear.
Never truly finding it is my greatest and only fear.

As your hand caresses my face
Your skin converts to velvet
Every sense has been awakened
Every second of time lengthens to hours

The warmth of your touch
Envelopes this cold heart
Wraps it in a tornado of fire
Washing over me like a soft summer breeze
Resurrecting emotion and lust

Vulnerable to every whim
Fumbling for words, unable to speak
Mesmerized by your gaze
Awaiting breathless, for your next move

I close my eyes and concentrate
On every single touch
On every sound of your breathe and mine
Anticipation will be my end

Drawn to you like a powerful magnet
My soul recognized yours and once that energy met
There was no pulling us apart
How strange to feel so strongly toward another soul
Even though time in each other's presence has been short
My heart and body yearns to be near him
A strange form of attraction
Never experienced
New and rare
An immediate connection
Seems like I have been standing still in the same place for so long
Then I was jolted when I started speeding toward him
Involuntarily moving into his space, into his arms
Chemical reaction, electrical impulses have taken over
So familiar yet never experience
Savoring every moment, every second we get
I know how fleeting this feeling is
I have had the butterflies many times
But they never lasted, they changed and morphed into agonizing pains
How amazing would it be if they stayed
I am a dreamer and yes my heart is permanently attached to my sleeve
I follow my heart and emotions
Even if they make me do crazy irrational things
No matter how hard I try I can not change that aspect of me
Its impossible to remove the whisper of hope deep down in my heart
The chance that the one may be out there for me
May end in heartache
May end in eternity
The fact of not knowing keeps this hopeless romantic wondering
Will the gravity between us remain unchanged?

In the blink of an eye my whole existence has transformed.
With a simple hello my former reality disappeared.
Enveloped in your embrace my guard was demolished.

The melody of your heart serenades my soul.
The reflection of light in your eyes leaves me breathless.
The depth and sincerity of your character has captivated my spirit.

Every soft sweet kiss leaves me starving for more.
Every caress of my cheek makes me weak.
Every word that forms on your lips becomes my life giving air.
The anthem of my heart plays only for you.

All thoughts, all day dreams gravitate toward you.
The heat resonating from your body wraps me in flames of ecstasy and lust.
A chemistry like this I have never known.
I long to be in your presence
To feel your skin pressed against mine
The sensation of a thousand butterfly wings covering every inch of my body.

So blessed that your path crossed mine
Ready to experience new firsts that become lasts til the end of time.

The heart of mankind bleeds
The blood of innocent children shot in the streets,
measured only as a casualty of war
The blood of a mother using her own body as a shield to protect her young
The blood of a soldier and a father protecting freedom at all cost
All freedom of humanity is at stake
Hatred and greed are becoming a plague and once it spreads there will be no hope left.
I can't bare the thought
The nightmares that flood my brain
Visions of death and destruction
Brother slaying brother
The world transforming into a eternal blackness
The emotion can be so overwhelming that it overcomes my soul
It feels as though we are fighting a losing battle
The few who lay down their hearts to help another
Those who gladly dedicate their energy and love to the mending of mankind.

Every new dawn draws more and more away from my failing ***** of love.
Memories slowly slip into oblivion
The harder and stronger  I attempt to hold them, the faster they slide through my fingers
The small bits of hope that I cling to, the little moments of love, the romance the feeling of being wanted
I cherish them, but as the time begins to wear at my heart, like a rust
Slowly covering every surface inch until completely black
They are washed away, taken from me as I sleep
Robbed of any happiness that was once held by them
Replaced with emptiness
Void of emotion
Void of hope
Void of dreams
Leaving a feeling of being vandalized
My most sacred thoughts stolen by the evilness of solitude
Solitude who starts as a friend and begins to taint the mind
Eventually corrupting the soul
Left only with hopelessness and anger
Frustration and fear
To wonder and ponder the reason of living on
Taking the tiny bits of joy and turning them to horror
Pain that swallows us whole and takes the breathe right out of our lungs
Desolate and lost in the vast desert of humanity
My face begins to disappear into the nothingness of the crowd
Nothing to separate this tortured soul from the next
Estranged from love or any resemblance of it
Withdrawn from society
Falling deeper into the abyss of her loneliness
So close to the point of no return

Gentle, warm breeze caresses my cheek
Wind flows like fingers through my hair
For a moment my hand is flying on the breeze as it hangs out the window of my car.
Sunshine lands on my face and thaws a frozen heart
For that single solitary moment my soul is free
All the worries of the mind give way to each individual sense.
Amazed how simple pleasures can set us free
Remove all inhibition
Strip away the ugliness of this world
I imagine this is how heaven will be
A million simple pleasures that repeat over infinity
Our eyes will truly be opened and see the beauty of the small moments
See the magnitude of all that was taken for granted during our mortal life
Like the sweet song of birds as they wake to the rising sun
The chirp of crickets on a warm summer evening
The formation of clouds as they float by
The smell of a fire burning on a crisp autumn eve.
The glistening of fire flies through the trees
The comforting lullaby of a mother's voice
How lucky are we?
If only for a moment to experience how wonderful this world can be

Mommy please make other kids like me
Mommy please take away the sting of rejection
Mommy please make it easy to be me without constant judgement
Mommy help me to not worry
Mommy please take away my boo boos
Mommy please mend my broken heart
Mommy please show me how to survive in this cruel world
Mommy please keep me safe from harm
Mommy please show me how to follow my dreams
Mommy please tell daddy to stop beating on my self esteem
Mommy please tell him to love me and not always see the wrong in me
Mommy please help me to get his attention
Mommy please make me whole again
Mommy please don't cry when I go to sleep at night
Mommy please keep praying for me
Mommy please keep watching over me as I dream
Mommy please make it easy for me to learn
Mommy please help me to focus and sit still
Mommy please always tell me you love me
Mommy please never leave me

This situation was not of my choosing
We were abandoned and left to survive on our own.
But I gladly accept this challenge.
To be both mom and dad all in one, to love and cherish
To be good guy and bad, to be friend and foe

I'm the one you see alone with a baby on her hip,
In a store or at an restaurant, trying to juggle the world.
Just us two, no one there to lend a hand, no one there to understand.
I cry in solitude, my thoughts are not shared with anyone but her.

I will sacrifice all my worldly wants for her every need.
And in return I will receive blessing beyond compare.
I get to hold her hand, kiss her cheek, brush her hair,
watch her grow, guide her steps and always be there.

Her smile is my reason to breathe,
Her hug is my air, and her love forms my very existence.
Her laugh turns every gloom of depression into a smile of happiness.
Her voice speaks to my very soul and eases every trial.

As a baby I would watch her sleep
Wondering what dreams filled her head,
Praying that I alone was enough,
To love her, support her , teach her and mold her.

That will be my life's work
To always strive to be the best mom I can for her
To cherish every moment we share, and never take her for granted.

Almost unbelievable how fast a human emotion can mutate
One minute is filled with visions of love and a future so wanted and deserved
The next is a nightmare of deceit, betrayal and heartbreak

Am I to shut off my humanity, become cold and calculated?
Guarded to any emotion good or bad
Self preservation, lock down what is left of my heart?

No one is to be trusted, selfish uncaring, heartless being
I was tangled up in the words you fed me, in your web of lies
Struggling to get free, unmovable in the thick substance bonded to my soul

How could I be so blind?
The best Casanova I have every encountered.
Too good to be true.

That’s ok, take your victory
For you have won the battle not the war
I will come out on top and be much stronger than before.

I would endure an eternity of solitude for a moment encased in your embrace.
Freedom without fear
Fear of rejection
Fear of ridicule
Fear of embarrassment
Fear of being unworthy
Please take this gift of love , the most valuable possession I own
It is torn and tattered,
Worn from wear
Broken and shattered
Weak and at one time beyond repair
Until you appeared with hope to spare
You have stood by my side from the minute we met
Taken care of me in sickness and health
Always a gentleman, gracious and kind
Your actions show me day by day how much you care
No empty words or outrageous promises
Just you!
A friend, a lover, an amazing man
No gallant steed, no crown of glory, but you are my prince charming in a hoodie
After searching far and wide
When I least expected it you arrived
And every day you take me by surprise

You are my very existence.
You hold my beating, throbbing, mangled heart in your hands.
I am in constant awareness of your absence when your body is not with mine.
I ache for your touch
I hold my breathe between the moments of communication between us
You are my breathe
You are my eternity, you are my dreams and wishes
You represent everything good in this world to me.
I know at times I get lost in my own head, my thoughts seem to gravitate to the worst possible conclusion of every issue.
I know I can be short, and seem cruel or unfeeling
My greatest weakness is not thinking before I speak
But my greatest strength is having you to understand me and love me anyway.
You give me a power unlike anything I have ever felt
The ability to not apologize for being me, the removal of expectation, the freedom and support to follow my heart.
Knowing you are standing beside me, makes me invincible, immortal
For every characteristic I lack you possess
For every attribute I fail to express, you are there to show me how
My teacher, my protector, my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my heart, my soulmate, my fate, my faith, my hope, my partner.

Emotion has been the huntress of my soul since I can recall
Completely filling every inch of this physical being
Be it an amazing high
or a deathly low
Either way my spirit is ruled by her
I hear whispers in the early morning light
Faint and smooth barley able to determine any form of speech
Speaking to me, slowly recalling every moment of despair
Every moment of pure bliss
My mind will forever be running to decode the meaning of it all
Endlessly gathering and hiding the dark ones
Pushing them so far away from the surface, so that they are never to be seen by the outside world
Groveling at the feet of my fellow man
For one small speck of affection,
for one second to feel whole
Longing for acceptance in a world too shallow for this old soul
A mask of narcissism hides the outcast
Hides the feeling of disgust felt when I look in a mirror
Disguises the hollow center of it all
So well that I  begins to believe the outward appearance
Believe the words of favor and beauty
Even if only for a brief glimpse to see myself as I can only imagine
But these eyes have been darkened by years of apathy from those  I craved acceptance
Never been easy for me to speak the intensity of every emotion I experience
Putting word to paper has been my only saving grace
The only insight to who I truly am
For the outside world to view a small piece of my heart.

No painful high heels
No tennis shoes
No flats

Bare feet on the sand
Running through the grass
On the cold kitchen floor
Skipping down the drive way
Sliding down the hallway
Jumping on the bed
****** my tootsies
Soak in the pool
Don't restrict my freedom
Skin on skin
Touch is so under appreciated
Feel every sensation, new and untainted
Like lying in a bed of feathers

Left here ages ago
Imagination glides away
To a foreign land
A civil war battle field
Two lovers concealed in shade
Brave natives hunting
A million lifetimes ago

Notch in the oak tree
Has a limitless amount of possibilities
As to how it came to be.

Sharpe edge of an ax
The beaten point of an arrow head
Stabbing of a knife in anger
precise blade of a sword
mark of a bayonet that missed its target

Some thing that has been passed by with no notice
Becomes a new world a new life
to this creative mind
Close my eyes and I am transported to a demension all my own.
And the notch becomes my inpiration.

There is no shame or disgrace in exposing the deepest darkest corners of this spirit
In fact without the comradery of this family of artist surrounding our craft there would be no audience to appreciate the stylings of the soul.
Some may be timid and reserved, afraid of judgement
Lost in the image of perfection defined in another's eyes
Oh if only we as humanity were more approving and accepting of differences
We would have solutions to issues of the world
Cruelty would have no home here
We would all have the same dream of equality and love of thy neighbor.
It saddens this poet to see the pure evil displayed in this world
No matter what the cause or reasoning
Deep inside my prayer is for love
Love pure and strong
Love in the innocence of a child's heart
That can see no difference, that only can see love
Love like our creator has for us
Unconditional, unwavering
With each word I can give
I give all a piece of myself
Exposed and naked
I give it freely and in hopes that another can see and sympathize
or empathize or recognize a piece of themselves in my reflection.
Unable to stop, knowing if I ceased those thoughts and dreams
My being would also cease to exist

You say you are not the one for me
You say you will never be
Why are you the only person I can truly open  my heart to?
Why must it all be so complicated?
I feel the love you have for me, when we are near
Yet you push it away the moment it begins to surface.
Your fear of failure is poisoning what could be our own Eden.
You don't even realize either way we lose,
You lose me if I find another heart to actually want to be the one
You lose if you give in to us and it turns bad
But isn't the possibility of us turning out amazing so much better than none at all?
The more you break my heart, the more I yearn for you
I want to believe how I feel more than what you say
In this fictitious reality I have envisioned, you want me
You want nothing more than to be together
How do I separate my fantasy from what is real?
I can't let go completely for fear of losing every moment we share or may share
But I can't go on, teetering on the edge of this cliff
Some days feeling as if my feet are sturdy and the ground firm under my feet
To the next day feeling as if one small breeze will send me tumbling to my doom
I may be left with no choice but to cut loose the strings that hold me to you
Free my heart from you,
Free you from the guilt of knowing I feel more for you than you for me
It will not be easy, and it will be so very painful
But would I be doing us both a favor in the end?
For we all know old lovers just can't be friends

Even at a tender age, I never seemed to fit in on this generation's page
Something deep inside sparked thoughts and visions of a life long ago.
Words of songs my ears have never heard flowed out like a prayer.
Without effort or consideration.
Always a love for antiques, objects with a past all their own
Seem like old familiar friends that this soul may have known
Always a struggle for this soul has felt far wiser that the age of the body in which it resides
Certain places, faces, and smells send me into flash backs of another life in time.
Not quite clear but non the less present
Drives me to wonder
Was there a purpose unfilled
A reason for one soul to live again and again
Until finally destiny is complete.

For decades of pain have nailed it shut
Each heartbreak, each betrayal is represented by a nail driven so deep into
the wood of the window that it cracks.
Every tear shed is dripping like the morning dew slowly across the pane
The glass is thick yet fragile
The paint has all but faded away
To open it would take an army

A mass of males to move this mighty mountain
Yet you expect it to fly open so easily, with a gust of summer wind
For all the vulnerability left in me to be shed, open to all
Ripe for the picking
I wonder, is your window that easily opened, or is yours so guarded
that no one will ever even be able to view it or gaze into.

Over time you have been allowed to view the beauty and decay that exists on the other side.
Even got to slightly open for a moment
Do I even hope for the key to unlock it
To open it to the world
To open it to hurt
To seek the unknown ahead
I may never know, I may never be brave enough to even try

But its so sad to think, that it may have opened to you, and you alone
But fear made you flee
Never to see

Funny how a building with four walls made of brick becomes a home.
Becomes almost like a member of your family
The memories seep deep into the paint
Hopes and dreams fill the air in every room
Every tear shed, every laugh shared, every scream in anger, every lonely evening, all bundled up and all that will remain
Now after almost 8 years my home is being taken away
After fighting for a hopeless marriage, surviving a ugly divorce, and the worry for this single mom, its all being snatched away.
I tried my best but no help was offered from this cold world, of banks and money and power.
Where I am only a number, not a person
They don't seem my struggles, they don't seem that I have spent my life trying to help my fellow man, regardless of the pain it may cause
All that is left are boxes of card board line the walls
Every photo removed
Every memory packed away
Every mark on the door showing how my little girl has grown
The driveway she rode a bike in for the first time.
The room I rocked her to sleep in
So sad to leave this old friend behind
So hopeless and frail are the now empty walls
So eerily quiet are the rooms once filled with love.
Once filled with lullabies and songs, laughter and fun.
Dancing in the kitchen
Making pallets and forts on the floor.
All gone.

Hidden behind the makeup of society
Painted faces gaze as they tread through life like a zombie
Bright colors camouflage the emptiness behind their eyes.
Airbrushed smiles cover their faces that are emotionless underneath.

No substance, no depth of spirit
Fake kindness, rude and cruel compliments
The sweetest words pour out like poison
Puppets strung up by their own insecurities.

Sad and deformed clowns on this stage of reality
The play is so routine they perform without any cues
Drunk off attention only the audience can supply
Becoming so inebriated that no function of self control exist

Plastic dolls arranged in a row
Uniform and neat
No uniqueness, No imagination
Positioned and moved by riches and cold hard cash.

The following is a confession of a busy single mom who has realized that there is no excuse for letting this world take her away from her child.
Rushing, rushing, springing through her day
She works a 8-5 then picks up her child,
After dinner, homework, housework and preparation for the next day are done she had no energy remaining in those tired bones.
Bath and bed and a story to tell
And when she finally sets down before bed for herself she realizes life is passing her by.
Time is flying and the moments are turning into years
Age is showing on her face, her hair is becoming silver
For a split moment she stops, she ponders the days events and how they fold into the grand scheme of things
And in that brief second she has a parental epiphany
Time is so precious
Time and love are what life is about
And even though all her time is focused to providing and loving her child, her small moments of time are what her daughter hungers for the most.
Not stressed mommy, not busy mommy
Happy and silly mommy
Playing games, painting toenails, making silly faces and stories
Those will last a lifetime and longer
That is my legacy, that is my immortality
The rest is just something we do to pass the time and get by
So a promise was made deep in her heart
A promise to stop and breath
Stop and savor the moments however small they may be
Because the biggest and best part of being me is being her mommy!

At the end of a long dirt road
Hidden in a jungle of wild grass and weeds
There is a stone path encircling an ancient oak
Hugging and holding to her roots for dear life.

Forgotten stone that once held a purpose
Left to rot and decay
Once lead to a large regal home
Once lit by fireflies dancing in the warm summer breezes.

Walked on over the ages
By children, grandchildren, and friends
As time passed the home became abandoned and eventually burned to the ground.
But the stone path still remained.

A path to nowhere
So sad and lonely
All reason extinguished from present day
No longer useful
No longer pristine
No longer needed
Just existing
A part of a lost past, that will never be rebuilt

I beg of you to be patient with my heart
She has been torn down and broken from the start
She gets caught up in the moment
I usually let her lead the way
Even though in the past that has seemed to be a problem
She may love you with all she is
She may want the fairy tale to be true
She may fall so hard that all thought of reality escapes her
I ask that you be patient, let her become accustomed to this new life
This new love and new emotions that are over loading every sense
She will let go then pull back, that is her built in defense
Don't take that as a bad sign
Don't doubt how she feels
Just give her time and space to express herself
To evolve into this new role, instead of leaping head first
So terrified that if I dive I will drown
Drown in my own insecurities
Down in my own fear
Drown in the pain of the past
That has formed me
Formed me in the need for independence
Formed the routine
Formed the ability to cope with the loneliness
Please understand this has no reflection on you
Nothing you did or did not do
This is the inner battle I fight every day
This is the paralyzing fear of change
Of possibly losing the person I have worked and slaved so long to find again.
A part of me wonders , have I come so accustomed to the pain
That it has become my security blanket
My addiction, the feeling that reminds me I am alive
As the tears stream down my face, its a release of emotion
Trapped for so long deep inside, hidden from the world
Locked away in my own personal prison
Am I the poison
Have I crafted my own fate
All this time I blamed others, was it me all along
Was he right?
Will I never allow myself to truly be happy?
Am I too damaged to love or be loved?

Wake to the soothing sound of waves crashing against the warm sand
Feeling the sunlight gently kiss each eyelid
Naked skin caressed by the silken cotton sheets as she tosses to motivate consciousness
No rush to rise, no tasks to perform today
No Burden of this dying world weighing on her heart
Able to capture every moment as a Polaroid in her memory
Coffee brewing fills her senses
A grin develops across her face much to her bewilderment
Hours spent in frivolous conversation
Strolling along the waters edge aimlessly
Ice cold drink resting by her side
Company of the one who's been a constant through this wild and crazy ride
Peace fills her once empty heart
Napping together, sleepy yet unable to keep her skin from merging with his
Whispered secrets soft and low
No place to be , to where to go
Truly living in the moment

A piece of meat, looked over and over by the many judging passers by
The female species has been seen as nothing more than a rack of red meat
Displayed for all on the shelf of a butcher's store
Categorized by grade A *** or chop liver
Seen only as a price and short lived experience of eating it, only to toss the scraps to the dogs.
Viewed as an object of satisfaction
An instrument of pleasure
How cold for them to dismiss the heart
To ignore the soul
To yearn for the sin of gluttony
And still feel hunger for something more
Emptiness and a void no choice cut could ever fill
Yet the primal urge wins
Instinct and hormones combine
and the result is grotesque
Turning a radiant, amazing, complex woman
into a raw, cold, frozen piece of flesh to be consumed
Ravaged and torn apart by the serrated teeth of man
Shred into nothingness
Her dignity drowned as she is washed down, bite by bite.

Hand to pen
Pen to paper
Ink to written word

My soul spills onto the fresh white canvas
Unfolding before me
Covering every inch with the essence of my
tormented heart.

Evolving into an unknown
Abstract form of art.
No clear lines, no defined purpose
Only the blurred color of emotion.

A true self portrait
To be seen only by mine own eyes
For on this canvas the only
perception of reality is my own.

Poppa's hands are wore and aged
They have seen a century of history
All the wrinkles and scars from the years
Life made it's mark, the world has issued its sentence.

Poppa's hands were once strong and steady
Sweating and bleeding in the fields
Holding the weapons of war, holding the hand of a fallen soldier
Gentle and Hard at the same time

Fighting the evil of a **** Nation
Protecting and Serving with every motion
Struggling to use a pen to write to his love at home
Wiping away tears, all at the young age of 17

Poppa's Hands are gentle and wise
Holding a baby with a twinkle in his eye
Watching the child grow, catching each fall
Supportive and harsh, strict and kind

Poppa's Hands held mine through the years
Guided me through his garden, working with the land
Running his hands through the dirt
Picking the fruit and vegetables provided by our lord

Poppa's hands gave to his fellow man
Always willing to lift another soul up
Poppa's hands supported my Nanna in her final days
Held and stroked her skin until the very end.

Poppa's hands are now to weak to move
Unable to lift his great granddaughter in the sky
Unable to climb a tree
Unable to be what they were once
Now I can hold my Poppa's hand and pray
Pray to guide poppa's hands to his true home

Standing in a wide open space.
Alone and vulnerable to a hunter's desire
Grazing without a care
Seeking out the most compromising climate.

She seeks his stare through a target
Watching and anticipating her every move
Her heart beats faster than a speeding bullet
Why fight it? Why not give in?

She desires to be hunted
To be sought out in the forest of humanity
To be the prize catch, his only ambition
His all consuming infatuation

Even though it may mean her end
For a moment before, she will be totally free
So free from the fear and rejection
So free from the hunger and pain

Once her heart takes it's final beat
Her life was not a waste
For a brief moment she got her request
The prey desired a hunter and he got her at her best.

Remove this useless ***** from my chest.
Abolish the cause of all this torment.
Rip it out piece by piece until all is absent.
Never been of use to me, this is for the best.
Withered and cold blackened in my brest.
Unable to escape from the abandonment.
Every soul I ever loved tore it away for pure amusement.
Replace it with anything I won't contest.

Maybe then peace would fill the void.
Able to sleep, rest and finally be free.
No more hiding, pretending everything is fine.
To fly above the lies and deceit to be overjoyed.
Drown in my own tears that form a sea.
Can't give it away any longer if its not even mine.

A small wooden cross lingers on the side of this back county road
Tiny compared to the enormous world that it exists in
Weathered, beaten by the wind
Soaked and flooded in the rain
Faded by the blinding sun
But somehow remains standing and sturdy
Teddy bear clings to the cross
His stitching all but come undone
His fur black from the exhaust fumes of passing vehicles
Passed by on a daily bases but never noticed
Ignored by the cruel world that caused its presence
To mark the place a last breath was taken
To mark that a life was torn away from his mother
A life that now is only represented by this roadside grave
Faded decaying flowers
Blown down the road decorating the harsh gravel lining the path
Once beautiful colors not ***** and stained
Sadness washes over me as I pull to the side
To ponder what that life could have been
To imagine how he may look now
How his voice would sound, how his smile would brighten the room
There may be only one visitor to this pitiful sight
But that one visitor would give her own life to change places
Each roadside memorial has a story
Has a heart and soul and energy of those lives taken in that spot
Don't just pass them by
Stop for just a moment and pay respect to the love that still remains
The love that will never die

We all know the story of Romeo and Juliet
But this is the untold story of another fair, beautiful Capulet
Rosaline as you may come to know
Met her demise at the hands of a Montague

She was the first object of dear Romeo's affection
But for dainty Rosaline, Romeo was not her selection.

He desperately tried to win her gaze.
She would only give hints to her hearts twisting maze.
Faithful to her vows of chastity
Another Montague held her key.

Benvolio stole her heart and won her affection
From first glance she was swept away, a true connection
Like the gentle lullaby of a nightingale
Her soul composed a symphony on his instrument could play

Kissed like the petals of a rose by the morning dew
A simple touch of his hand created a overwhelming sensation only they knew
Secretly inseparable, hidden romance
Their houses would not understand, so they took a very risky chance.

Until the day of that faithful fray between Capulet and Montague
Rosaline was caught in the crossfire of the two
Trying to keep the peace she lunged ahead
And at the hand of her true love she was dead.

He had not even a heartbeat to react.
Blinded by hate, a moment he could never take back.
Plagued by loss and despair
As if his lungs had been drained of air.

As the life left her eyes
He died inside.
Tragedy washed over their houses.
And in the end,
Hate won the war,
Love was left mangled and destroyed.

When no one else is around
Count on her when you are down
She is the best seat filler in town
A warm body to take up the empty space
Always available, always ready for someone to use her
Never plan A
Always up for replacement
Wearing her heart around her neck
Like a noose or a leash
Waiting for the next puppet master to pull her strings
Sweet and funny, happy when shes around you
But inside she is dying, decaying
Because she knows what she is
She knows that the seat filler will all she can ever be with you
Why not her?
Why not her heart?
Is it that easy to watch her self destruct
That easy to push the ignition button without blinking an eye
Don't play dumb, or ignorant
You know what it does to her
But instead of letting her go, you keep her at arms length
Yearning, aching for a little more
Praying wishing that one day
One fine, beautiful moment you would see
All she wants is to be season tickets

The conduct of my heart had been sentenced to solitary for what felt like an eternity.
Exposed to those who didn't cherish or deserve my love.
Every new prospect of hope was dangled in front of this broken soul only to be snatched away before made whole
Hunting endless miles for my prince charming

When all along I should have been seeking my King.
The moment my ears detected his voice
The second his eyes, like crystal blue waters of the sea, met mine
All inhibition left me and I found myself suspended in the joy that surrounded this damaged heart.
Peacefully and effortlessly I fell into his arms
Though it may all be new in this world of time and space
The feeling is so familiar as if we have been connected since the beginning of it all

Joined on a deeper level that what is physical
On a spiritual plane of reality in which only we exist
Relishing in every touch
Savoring every kiss
Occupying this dream of desire
Craving to be close to him
Sharing life's breathe

His caress has set the caged bird free
His divine spirit has removed all pain of the past.
Captivated by every word that escapes his lips
Mesmerized by the delicate nature he takes with me
Inspiration thrives now that I have found him

I want to live in the moment just before our lips meet,
Where one breathe is shared by two bodies.
Every time my eyes close, I want to be transported into the inferno of desire
Where each and every thought is only of you and the fire burning between us.
A place where only your touch is essential to my survival.
Needed and wanted more than air or water.
Where time stands still and the world around us evaporates.

I want to rest in the depth of your gaze.
Safe, and worshiped
Looking in your eyes I see my true reflection, something much deeper than the exterior
A true vision of my soul.

To taste nothing but the sweetness of your kiss
Moist and soft, warm and gentle
The taste of ecstasy.

To only hear the soothing sound of your voice.
Singing me a lullaby, whispering words of love softly saying my name.

To only inhale your scent, captivated by your cologne
A smell that lingers even when you are gone and reminds me of all the ways and reasons
I fall in love with you over and over again.
All my senses have been overcome by you and everything that you are.

This soul is experiencing an awakening like never before
Years of straining to please the masses
Decades of being lost in the world of judging eyes
Condemned by every heart she had allowed close
Driven insane by the words that replayed every minute of every day
Relentless scratching on this chalk board of reality
Torture that seemed to be her eternity.

Rescued by the sun
A simple caress of her cheek , the sweet sound
the vibration of his voice
So easily untied the ropes of life that had strangled her soul
Strange stillness has replaced the chaos of her mind
Tranquility washes over her

Peace settles in to take root
As she watches as if she is a by stander to her own life
Watches every inhibition
every fear, every thought of failure
fall away like magic

He is her missing puzzle piece
He is her balance
He is her dream
He is so unlike any before him

She catches her breathe at every encounter
In awe of the man standing before her
Amazed by the serenity he provides
Which to her is the greatest gift in the world

Playing tag with your shadow
Waiting for just the right moment to pounce
The light and night begin to play tricks on my ****** eyes
Twisting and turning between darkness and sunlight
Slinking and slithering around my feet teasing my senses
Floating through the room inside my soul
So easily, so gracefully, so quickly
Never staying in one corner for too long
I turn my head and you are gone.

One moment you seem larger than life
The next you are nothing put a speck of dust
As I slowly begin to believe the hallucination I see is real
Shape distorts and you have become an unrecognizable monster
I get so close but can't hold on
You slip through my skin like a spirit
Taking all the life breath as you pass through my hollow shell of a body.

She moves in the night spinning away
The reason for her being, her purpose in this world
Easy for her, able to work without a worry
This simple spinning begins to form a harmony
A song of beauty and joy
For her task reveals the miracle of one small creature

A painting, no two ever alike
A masterpiece usually never seen, never admired
Only in existence for one night then blown away
by the morning mist
Extraordinary the life of this small spider
And the wonder that she brings
Decorating the world, working for one thing

Watching her spin leaves me at awe
Wondering how such beauty can go to waste
Wondering why we can't see the simple miracles all around
Instead the human race is drowning in our own reflection, our own sound.

A single drop of rain barrels through the night
Falling from the heavens
Swiftly moving through the air
Dancing with the wind

So small and transparent
Fading into the utter darkness
Seen and felt by no one
Speeding toward its destination

Sweet, solitary rain drop
Gliding down my window pane
Beautiful and simple
reflecting all that surrounds you

Still lonely and melancholy
Waiting for another of your kind
To follow or accompany you
Left to the cold hard ground
Alone