Emotion has been the huntress of my soul since I can recall
Completely filling every inch of this physical being
Be it an amazing high
or a deathly low
Either way my spirit is ruled by her
I hear whispers in the early morning light
Faint and smooth barley able to determine any form of speech
Speaking to me, slowly recalling every moment of despair
Every moment of pure bliss
My mind will forever be running to decode the meaning of it all
Endlessly gathering and hiding the dark ones
Pushing them so far away from the surface, so that they are never to be seen by the outside world
Groveling at the feet of my fellow man
For one small speck of affection,
for one second to feel whole
Longing for acceptance in a world too shallow for this old soul
A mask of narcissism hides the outcast
Hides the feeling of disgust felt when I look in a mirror
Disguises the hollow center of it all
So well that I  begins to believe the outward appearance
Believe the words of favor and beauty
Even if only for a brief glimpse to see myself as I can only imagine
But these eyes have been darkened by years of apathy from those  I craved acceptance
Never been easy for me to speak the intensity of every emotion I experience
Putting word to paper has been my only saving grace
The only insight to who I truly am
For the outside world to view a small piece of my heart.

I beg of you to be patient with my heart
She has been torn down and broken from the start
She gets caught up in the moment
I usually let her lead the way
Even though in the past that has seemed to be a problem
She may love you with all she is
She may want the fairy tale to be true
She may fall so hard that all thought of reality escapes her
I ask that you be patient, let her become accustomed to this new life
This new love and new emotions that are over loading every sense
She will let go then pull back, that is her built in defense
Don't take that as a bad sign
Don't doubt how she feels
Just give her time and space to express herself
To evolve into this new role, instead of leaping head first
So terrified that if I dive I will drown
Drown in my own insecurities
Down in my own fear
Drown in the pain of the past
That has formed me
Formed me in the need for independence
Formed the routine
Formed the ability to cope with the loneliness
Please understand this has no reflection on you
Nothing you did or did not do
This is the inner battle I fight every day
This is the paralyzing fear of change
Of possibly losing the person I have worked and slaved so long to find again.
A part of me wonders , have I come so accustomed to the pain
That it has become my security blanket
My addiction, the feeling that reminds me I am alive
As the tears stream down my face, its a release of emotion
Trapped for so long deep inside, hidden from the world
Locked away in my own personal prison
Am I the poison
Have I crafted my own fate
All this time I blamed others, was it me all along
Was he right?
Will I never allow myself to truly be happy?
Am I too damaged to love or be loved?

After years of emotional abuse from a man I thought loved me
After  a lifetime of comparing my body to supermodels in magazines
After decades of staring in the mirror and being ashamed of what I see
Trying to hide from public, Covering the scars with makeup and hairspray
Painting away what I saw as ugly
Too fat, Too round, Too curvy, Too thick
Double chins and a belly that never disappeared after giving birth
Society stained my soul
Made me question every piece of clothing I bought
Made me nervous to go in public
Provided anxiety that was paralyzing
Transformed a fun loving young girl into a scared and unstable women
Constantly unable to stop comparing myself to others
Looking for someone to see my true beauty, when I couldn't even see it myself
The hardest lesson I have had to learn in these 33 years on this earth
Is how to love myself, truly
I may seem narcissistic to some, because I do like to have a photo taken
But that is not because I see the beauty its because I constantly am seeking approval and admiration from others that I have be unable to provide to myself
I am done living in the prison in which I have created
Time to let go of all expectations and really be free
Free to be myself
Free to love my body and every scar present
Free to show others my soul, my heart
The true self that resides inside this earthly body
The spirit which posses more that any exterior could show
To be able to see the amazing light given to me by our creator
To be able to look in a mirror and see the love it took to create me
The love that is more beautiful than anything material in this world.

He sneaks in through the window of my soul
Never seen or heard
No for warning no sound to alert his presence
He needs no reason to visit, no wealth to claim
For the possession he steals is more precious than gold, more rare than
diamonds, but unseen to the human eye
This burglar of bliss comes for any trace of happiness, any small inclination of hope
Any joy that was once felt and captured so easily in my heart now is his prize for the taking
With no rhyme or reason
The cloud of sadness is his cover and it seeps in to the cracks
Filling the once warm rooms of my mind
With chill that runs down my spine
So hard to explain to those who don't know his name
So confusing and painful for those of us tormented daily by this thief
How the worry and thoughts of sadness move over you
Take over your body and mind, no matter how hard you fight it
No matter how much you just want it to go away and free you
from this agony
One moment of joy, one day of freedom is what is held dear
At least for those of us who are still here
Those of us who have not lost the fight yet, but battle this burglar of bliss everyday, every waking moment

Obviously from experience I make a rather easy target
How easy it will be for you to just blame me
Say I am the one who let you down
Tell yourself that I was childish and in mature
That I caused you heartbreak on purpose
That I felt nothing and how easy it was for me to forget you
To move on with life as if we never existed
Get angry with me
Show me your true colors, show me some resemblance of emotion or caring
Anger is so much easier to cope with than pain or loss of love
Give it your best shot dear
Blame me, for the end
Blame me for the silence
Blame me for the loneliness
Blame me for the memories turned to dust
There was no breakup, no loss of relationship
Just loss of friendship
My reasons to do so may have been selfish
But I had to let go, had to set you free from the "what if" that is me.

Taunted and teased by the empty page at my finger tips
How easy it can be has stained the moment of imagination
The process of artistic creation
At moments emotion seemed to flow freely like a river to the sea
Other times I am strangled by the pen in my hand, muted by the
want to put it on paper and stop it from punishing my heart
Its a unquenchable thirst that plagues every second of a writers
life.
The need and desire to let out all the darkness inside, all the joy, all the light until nothing is left.
Vocally she may not be able to represent her thoughts and dreams
But on paper a whole new reality is formed and the deepest visions the wildest notions flood the blankness

The following is a confession of a busy single mom who has realized that there is no excuse for letting this world take her away from her child.
Rushing, rushing, springing through her day
She works a 8-5 then picks up her child,
After dinner, homework, housework and preparation for the next day are done she had no energy remaining in those tired bones.
Bath and bed and a story to tell
And when she finally sets down before bed for herself she realizes life is passing her by.
Time is flying and the moments are turning into years
Age is showing on her face, her hair is becoming silver
For a split moment she stops, she ponders the days events and how they fold into the grand scheme of things
And in that brief second she has a parental epiphany
Time is so precious
Time and love are what life is about
And even though all her time is focused to providing and loving her child, her small moments of time are what her daughter hungers for the most.
Not stressed mommy, not busy mommy
Happy and silly mommy
Playing games, painting toenails, making silly faces and stories
Those will last a lifetime and longer
That is my legacy, that is my immortality
The rest is just something we do to pass the time and get by
So a promise was made deep in her heart
A promise to stop and breath
Stop and savor the moments however small they may be
Because the biggest and best part of being me is being her mommy!