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Amanda Mary Rose Feb 2014
Oh what a shock, he changed his mind.

In a conversation dripping with sarcasm and oozing distain, I begin to tell my coworker about my big news. I begin with the transition with *remember that guy I used to talk about
. For months now we had been hashing this situation out at work, the unanswered text messages, the constant apologies, the sudden disappearance of what was seemingly the perfect guy. Everyone had heard the story, it just glided off my tongue whenever the conversation came to relationships, which at 22 is the topic of choice. By now everyone is either so stable or in some varying level of turmoil which makes my story not all that unique. It’s a classic girl gets drunk in costume, falls for a tall guy who listens to records, then spirals into self-doubt and bouts of frustration.

So how did this happen, the coworker asks with a laugh as we drive back. He knows the story up until this point and cannot wait to hear how I managed to get to this level. It started just as it had begun, a full circle of drunkenness. I had texted him after an open bar, and to this day I don't really know what I was expecting to come of it. After a casual opening conversation, the first that we’ve had in many months, not counting our stream of snapchats, I tell him we should hang out soon. When I saw that he was pretty drunk.ish. drunkish, I knew that we could have the first real conversation in a long time. We discuss his unavailable nature casually and he identifies as not being worth all the fuss.

Of course he is not worth all the fuss, I had been telling myself that since the beginning. Of course I had been fussing all the while but at least I was aware that it was not necessary. This is where all those craft beers stepped in and I agreed with him. Yep I told a guy that he wasn’t worth effort. To make it even clarified that due to a lack of variety, he was just the best out of many bad possibilities.

I deserved to see him reply with a single, punched in the ball style, ouch. Being the strong independent black woman I pretend to be I once again hit him with a one-two punch of truth. Oh please, as I electronically roll my eyes, you know I am interested in you. I tell him that he confuses me and that we could figure things out. I hear the classic line that I have now heard from many more guys than I am happy to admit, blame it on my need to hunt down every damaged travel ****** in the western New York area: I’m going to be nowhere near here in a few months.

They never are, this one is bicoastal but the last few are across an ocean, across the world, a verbal cultural and emotional divide away. To follow up he hits me with possibly the worst thing you can say to a girl, in my very extensive history of turn downs at least: I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.

*****, please. You are talking to a psych major here, I know more about feelings that your barefoot running lack of *** could even imagine. Saying that would require that I have feelings in the first place is just the tip of the ******* iceberg. I am on lock with being in charge of my emotions. I am a grown *** woman who knows my **** and has healthy *** cognitions most of the time leading to stable *** feelings. Don't get me wrong I feel but no vegetarian is going to reduce me to a puddle of disgusting feelings.

So what are you looking for? The same thing I was looking for four months ago, a friend, a fellow explorer, maybe some physical contact, someone to confide in, worry about, cook for. Nothing big, nothing serious, nothing forever. ohh

Sorry bud, ohh is just not going to cut it here. Now’s the time to check back in with what he wants. As a recap, originally we had a conversation, same topic different tone. In that moment he wanted a friend, a fellow explorer, maybe some physical contact, someone to confide in, worry about, cook for. Nothing big, nothing serious, nothing forever.

Oh what a shock, he changed his mind.

This time his conscience was taking over, he couldn't hook up with me because its not in his nature, because it wouldn't form something real, because that's his guiding force. It’s certainly tempting, it would be lovely. He took my a good time in the present, no strings attached * as a ******* which wasn’t its intent but finally I was relieved.

The purpose of this story is not for pity or out of unbridled rage even though I used a few swears. The conversation goes on to target some insecurities, to open up about this being a pattern, and ultimately to wish him the very best.

And, I do, honestly and entirely wish him the very best. Although he had disappeared I know that he didn't do it with malice and that he has a really kind soul. Once again it didn't work out but this case was different.

We had 2:30 AM closure of the best nature, and I feel free and so much happier for the time I spent hung up on him, which is not something I can say for all those previous cases. I really enjoyed our sparse conversations but even more than that, this was the first time I came out of my shell and got pushy about what I wanted. I did all the work and had nothing to lose and for that I do not have a single regret, and I feel like the sky is the limit. No more texting rules or hurting other people feelings in the Game just for the sake of winning.

thank you, you too :)

His response was perfect, and I promptly removed him from my social media. After all, I am human.

*NSYNC’s best hit
Amanda Mary Rose Nov 2010
To save from the ever changing tide;
to never fall. This innocent’s
tumbling, tumbling ride
quite like Alice’s twisted descent.
Is this to be the fate of all
the girls who flower harvest?  
Forced to hell, meant to appall
and frighten all the rest.
Yes, the world is full of holes
But I will hide within the poppy field,
watch my step, refuse the ferrier’s tolls.
I will never, never yield.
Now, this is the vital chore,
to anchor safe upon the shore.
Amanda Mary Rose Nov 2010
There is a place
So marvelous
That with a press of a few buttons
You can get what you desire

Many different people
With many different wants
Can all congregate
In this special place

All you have to do
Is know what it wants

Just give it what it wants
As you leave you find yourself with a greeting
Have a Good day

At all hours of the day
Glimmering with hope

Calling out to lonely wanderers
Looking to

The shiny silver candy bar
Snuggled amongst the chips

It's the little junkfood that counts
Amanda Mary Rose Nov 2010
Yes, I am waiting for the cold,
for it is far too warm here as of late,
and this is not how it’s supposed to unfold.

I left home when I was not quite so old
and my choice they all berate.
But I am just waiting for the cold

as if this worry can be controlled,
with that which can inebriate.
Isn’t that how it’s supposed to unfold,  

when often I see him and it takes hold?
Wishing I had the words to elaborate,
but he left me waiting in the cold.

It is a story that I rarely have told,
for to him I am the true expatriate.
This is the way it’s supposed to unfold

though its unclear if I could have foretold,
that we would be two separate schoolmates?
On this day, I am still here, waiting on the cold
to freeze the warmth that should not still unfold
villanelle project!
Amanda Mary Rose Oct 2010
bear with it
bear with me
like the stars in the sky, organized into patterns that you don't understand
unless someone says thats they way they are supposed to be
cant you see it
they say
i cant see it
is this meant to be
or just a mirage?

please don't steal
Amanda Mary Rose Sep 2010
is a virtue?
it's waiting
but how long should you wait
are you waiting for the right thing
what if things fall apart
wanting something good to happen
impatience might just have to be a hobby
Amanda Mary Rose Sep 2010
a place to place
wet drippy con den sa tion
stain ing all the fur ni ture
remove it and that
is a mark you can never get rid of
a ring
a scar
for all your friends to see inspiration to the rescue
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