sometimes I get lonely
in a world that can’t or won’t slow down
insulated by the angry walls I construct
isolated by the speed of things
voices speaking quickly
echoing the same words
in the exact same way
expecting different results
repetitions rudeness assumes, “You heard me!”

sounds and verbiage bouncing off walls
severing the links in concentration’s chain
classrooms, lecture halls and dinner parties
rendered like rumble in underground parking lots
pushing me into a hermit’s darkness
within a crowd of people
somedays the mountains call to me
and I want to go live in a cave
with no one to talk to but my echo

the buzz of memories ringing in my tinnitus
echoes from the past
a straight pin dropping
my old alarm clock’s siren
freeway traffic’s rush on the day
they yanked the tubes from my ears
first, third, fifth would have been so cool
instead, three dis-chord-ant tones reverberating in my head
constantly confuse my comprehension

echo is my frenemy
always close by
but laying in wait
like a shadow standing in the window

I...
I...
I can't find words
to properly observe
my absurd
feelings.

I'm dealing with
A lack of a fifth
appendage.
I'm missing my thumb

Well...
Well...
Well like an appendix,
I'm useless
for your senses.
Sensing

your numb to me
your like Nestle
chocolate is addicting.
and soothing

But...
But...
But I went to rehab
where I met Ahab
who was on Jihad
cause of some white girl

We realized
were hypnotized                          savages
victimized by
self-reliance
the key word being lie

Now...
Now...
Now were stagnant
spaced on various fragments
adorned with magnets
to the walls

surrounding
counting
drowning
*in cement

Please don't touch the Christmas tree,
Leave all my things in the boxes,
I can hardly bare to look at the door,
I made choices,
I did things because I thought you'd be happy,
I learned quickly that I could never make you that way,
And although the fact shook me to my core,
I thought maybe we could just coexist,
We don't have to agree,
Maybe just stop the arguing,
But then you went and ripped me out of my home,
That was a heavy blow,
A lot to swallow,
I guess parts of me thought I could make the best of this,
As much as you think I don't try,
I did,
I don't know why when life changed for you,
It had to change so much for me to,
Sometimes I don't think you realize how much I gave up,
I know your ready to go,
I swear I won't even try to stop you,
It won't do any good anyway,
I just want you to notice once in a while,
That I'm really hurting,
I just want you to notice,
How much your plans are going to cost,
And for once I want you to see me falling,
And catch me in time.

You remind me
(twice daily)
of your existence
As you ride low on your
motorcycle
               Problem Child
Wild in our street
Exhaust clouded lungs
choking me (up)
Memories collect
in my wrecked collar bones
Little pools of oil,
where you used to park those
dead lips


                                Silence


has never been so deafening
I loved thy neighbor
but faith is no substitute
for fuel
I am broken down
My rusted engine heart
refuses to turn over
But yours, yours
seems to be running
fine

Sometimes I just want to be reckless like folks my age tend to be.
Go out to bars, have too much to drink, find a friendly stranger to end the night with.
Will it help fill that empty space inside me?
No.
I think it would make the missing piece grow out of control.
I don’t want to be consumed by this.
This nothing.
Advice says I should be the one to make myself whole, but I’ve doubted that from the start.
Why does everyone think I’m such a strong person?
I don’t feel like it, not now.
It was easy to be strong when things were fine; I thought I could handle anything.
It seems I was wrong.
But I’m trying.
Really I am.
Yet my thoughts are inked with a poison.
Hate is far too controlling so I have caved to its powers.
I want to crush something.
Use my fists and expel all this aggression out on something that doesn't deserve it.
That’s probably not fair, but I've had enough of all this.
I've had enough of him.

Its fun to travel, far away,
To run and swim, and laugh and play,
But its best to be home, at the end of the day,
With the people who love you true,
No matter what you do,
Home is the place you can turn to,
But home is wherever your loved ones are,
Not just a place you live, and sleep.
Some people even make a home in a car,
If love is there, your at home in the street.
Home is a place, that lives in the face
Of the ones who love you.

Home is in my face.