There is nothing as free and passionate as your first time
Nothing as innocent
The nervous giggles
The panicked breathing
Touching someone's body
Just to learn every bump and crater
on the surface of their warm skin
The rush of pain
The desperate moans
Nothing as intimate as your first time.

Sometimes I dream I'm floating
Weightless throughout space
With this thought my heart beat steadies
It dark up here in outer space
I don't know how to get back home
but that's ok
It's cold up here in outer space
So cold it makes my skin turn grey
my hair comes out here in outer space?
Something's not adding up
It's supposed to be lovely in outer space
I’m far from home and i am cold
This isn't peace
This isn't beautiful
This is prison
This is hell
This is an eating disorder

a friend like you is hard to come by
someone so similar to myself
yet so giving
and caring
and nurturing
a truly beautiful person
I owe you my life
I would be nowhere without you
Thank you for being my best friend

The bags under your eyes
grow darker and darker as the days pass
you insist that youre fine
I place a kiss on my forehead.
Your tired eyes are telling of the wars you fight every night
But
you're bound to crash sooner or later
so curl up by my side
intertwine your hand with mine
and rest your tired eyes

On rainy days
I think of you
The rain reminds me of how gloomy I have become
And on sunny days,
I think of you
The sun reminds me of how radiant I use to be
When you were alive
I think when you left,
So did my sun
Stuck with gray hazy days
When you died
So did my happiness

oh medicine man,
I'm feeling blue.
What do you think I should do?
Its up to you, my medicine man
To make this feeling go away
You're feeding me pills
one after one
But I don't feel
anything.
I'm numb.
Medicine man,
what have you done?

I have come undone

A humid summer night
Spent underneath the stars
Head spinning
Heart fluttering
It was the start
The start to the most beautiful tragedy
Who knew that night
Would haunt me every night

Deep brown eyes
and dark shades of blue underneath
What's on your mind, my love?
What's keeping you from sleep?
I wish I could hold you all night
And save you from the wars
inside your crowded tortured mind
I wish I could hurt all the ones who have wronged you
And kiss all your wounds
To take all of the pain
and push it aside
leaving you with nothing but happiness,
the loveliest thoughts
and well rested eyes

As the cold air of November beings to settle in
I feel the warmth of the happiness I once had
Being drained out of my body.
My eyes feel heavy,
I can't eat again.
My thighs are once again marked
with the expression of my sadness.
empty.
A constant roller coaster
I can't get off of,
for the past five years
I've been going straight down
with small, sharp peaks
of a temporary happiness
that always slips through my hands

A steady breath
Your chest rising and falling
As we lay in a sea of purple
You let out small mumbles in your sleep
Perfection at its finest.
Dark eyelashes flutter revealing your deep eyes
A groggy "hi" and a kiss on the nose
I've found my comfort again.

In a world full of darkness and hate
A mind full of suicide and starvation
A school full of ignorance and stereotypes
A house full of people who people who don't understand
A doctors office full of prescriptions for little blue pills
A world that was all dark for me
Until you came along
You are my ray of light.
*It is still dark, but you make it lighter.

I crave attention.
My whole being begs for it.
My hands tremble
my knees quake
and my lips bleed.
Can anyone hear me?
Is anyone there?
I'll stomp my feet,
I'll kick,
I'll scream,
I demand to be heard.
Someone acknowledge me
I can no longer be an invisible girl
Help

After a big winter blizzard
There's always mountains of elegant snow
Sitting calmly for others to soak in its beauty
But there is icicles hanging from our windows
They drip tears full of such sadness
Nobody says how beautiful the ice is
In comparison to the snow
So they sit on top of houses and weep all day
And eventually they cry so much
They disappear
and nobody notices
In many ways I feel like an icicle
How long until I disappear
And will you even notice

Something in me grew cold one day
Teardrop icicles hung from my cheeks
I yearned for a love to thaw out
My wintergirl heart.
I searched for love in starvation
I searched for warmth in purging
I searched for feelings in cuts
I searched for acceptance in him.
I opened my body
instead of my heart.
and nothing was changed
My heart remained cold
My body still weak
You couldn't save me
and that's okay
I'm thawing now
My suns come out
It still gets chilly
But I'm okay
(I don't know if you care)

My hearts made of tinder
And every word you speak
Is another match ignited
Every empty glance you give me
Produces sparks
I'm highly flammable
Please stop trying to burn me to ashes

How could you say you love me?
If you love someone, would you leave them in a time of need?
To simply self destruct?
You didn't love me
Never in the whole of your ******* life
Did you love me.

It was late September
Rain poured
and I drunkenly stumbled into your arms
You spoke of how I smelt of whiskey,
And how I forgot my shoes
You laughed at my slurred words
And drunken honesty
But that was the night we spat out the truth
"I love you"

One: I am born, brown eyed and screaming
Two: I am four years old, people compliment my sisters exotic green eyes. Are mine ugly?
Three: I am seven, and I am thinner than her. I win.
Four: I am eleven and I lie about my weight. I wish I was skinny.
Five: I am thirteen, refusing to eat
Six: I am fourteen and empty. I cut every inch of my body
Seven: I am fifteen and miserable. I contemplate suicide
Eight: I am sixteen and medicated. Meghan killed herself. I am bones. Am I alive?
Nine**: I am seventeen and I ache, but I am healing

it's bitter, but it's good
you know what i mean?
Take the good with the bad,
that sort of thing.
I don't know...
Your lips are soft.

and maybe its good how much I've been hurt
'*** the next time I fall
it won't hurt half as bad.

I'm getting better, I think.
One day at a time.
But sometimes, I walk back into the dark closet
in the very back of my mind,
and let the skeletons and monsters out,
just for a second.
but sometimes, those monsters,
they have a way of taking over.
I should just stop going back there.

I've got a problem with letting go,
and with missing people.
I can't lose my grip.

I want to be your anchor,
something to ground you
but not to hold you down.

I am searching.

I'm so scared to have my heart broken
I remember the pain I once felt
It overtook my being,
dropped weights in my stomach
sent tsunamis to my eyes
and knives into my windpipe
Then I think about how much I love you,
and it'll hurt that much more
Please don't break my fragile heart

"She's cured!"
Then how come my mind still screams
"You fat disgusting pig"?
And I still cringe every time I hear your name?
How come I still etch red tally marks on the top of my thighs
And, I still keep the pills
In a bottle under my dresser
And they still call my name begging me to take them
all at once with a big swing of whiskey
Why am I still counting every calorie
And drowning my sorrows with the sting of alcohol?
Is this what its like to be cured?

You are sugar
Sweet and pure
You are the first snowfall of winter in the dead of night
Alluring and exciting
You are a gust of wind on a hot summer day
Refreshing and relieving
You are every wonderful, and pure thing on this planet
And I,
I am not
I am angry and sinister
I am the wildfire that destroys the forests
I am a tornado leaving cities devastated
Someone like me
Does not deserve the beauty and light you bring.

Not so long ago
I wandered through a forest
Thinking to myself what it'd be like to be loved
Until a tall, tanned boy
With empty black eyes
Approached me
and in the most seductive tone he asked
"Why don't you come with me?"
I hadn't had company in some time,
so
I followed him
He made my heart feel lighter
And my sorrow not so deep
My only folly was loving him too much,
when he hadn't an ounce of love in his soul
So, he left me
And I was alone

Not so long ago,
I wandered through a now lonely forest,
Full of memories of my mystery boy who had broken my heart
He'd taken my sunshine
He left me nothing but darkness
and emptiness in my heart
It hurt to laugh
It hurt to breathe
It hurt to live
and I couldn't escape it.

That is, until
a strange little boy with eyes bluer than the ocean
approached me and said in the sweetest tone
"take my hand, I'll guide you and take you to the sunshine"
So I grasped his rough hand,
and we wandered in the dark
Time had passed
And he made my laugh flow more
He provided me comfort
But still something was missing

Not so long ago,
I grew tired of the blue eyed boy
he was far too angry
and especially overbearing
he loved me too much.
and I didn't love him enough.
So I broke this boys heart,
Leaving him alone
His reacted with anger,
Spitting venom into my veins
leaving me lifeless

Not so long ago
A sweet little angel,
who was so very familiar
wandered over to me,
and he didn't say a word.
I looked at his eyes,
dark yet welcoming
and an enticing smile upon his angelic face.
He took my hand and helped me up
he ****** up the venom from my body
he kissed all of my wounds
he didn't save me from this forest,
but he joined me and kept me company
he painted the forest with vibrant colors
and filled it with the sound of his laughter
He made me a home out of this forest,
so I made him a home in my heart

The scars are fading
the razors gone
but the feelings are back again
they haunt you even in dreams
a sadness you can't escape
if all i think about is cutting,
am i really even recovering?

i've been alive seventeen years
and I am just now scratching the surface
of living.

Happiness is not something that one should have to strive for.
Happiness is not something you can give in pill form
This "happiness" you feed me,
Is not happiness at all
It's a way for my family to shut me up
and a doctor to make a couple bucks
So I swallow the pill
everyday
It doesn't make me happy
Just takes all feeling away
Take your stupid blue capsules
I no longer want them
I'd rather feel sadness
Then your ****** up version of happiness

Panic sets it
I've eaten today.
Numbers begin adding
Calories, bites, servings
I've eaten today.
My mind begins spinning
Disappointment in myself
A harsh mirror,
and a loving toilet
welcoming me,
telling me it will wash away all the panic
all I have to do
is
purge
so I do.

missing you comes in breezes
memories reside in the back of my mind
not daring to come start replaying
because they know my fragile heart
is not ready to see what we were
and accept
what we've become
strangers
missing you comes in hail storms
rare
and painful

I myself am a disease
Highly contagious,
And fatal to all.
I infect all the others around me
I never mean to
But its always the people I love the most,
I infect the most
I see their smiles grow less and less luminous
As days pass
Their laughter becomes dull
Their eyes become empty
I ruin people
Run while you can

You and I,
We seem to gravitate
But maybe it's not because we're meant to be
Maybe it's because we're both so angry
Angry at each other
Angry at our families
Angry at our failures
Angry at the world
Both of us, so full of pain.
And maybe that's why we find ourselves together

cold wind burns my cheeks
red as a rose
golden leafs dance around,
and crunch underneath my scuffed up converse
down a ***** pebble road
I look down at my shoes
and remember the past.
sometimes i resent it
other times i thank it
today I don't know how to feel
so I guess i'll keep walking

Please don't look at me
You are the moon.
Beautiful and elegant
You illuminate the dark sky
And bring joy to all
and I,
I am nothing compared to the beauty you bring,
the light you give off.
I do not shed light, but rather darkness
I am not beautiful nor elegant
I am clumsy and inadequate
Please don't look at me
I'm not enough for you.

My sadness provides me with comfort
Sick, isn't it?
It's just something that's always been there
Consistency
That's comforting to me
And as much as I want to feel the sunshine on my cheeks
And have flowers bloom within my mind
Part of me is so scared to leave my sadness behind

I hate feeling oversensitive
Although I know I am..
But it is only because
I have a heart made of glass
Any rock thrown,
Even as small as a pebble
Could shatter it completely.
And my self worth is so tiny
You could squish it like a bug
And not even notice

The hands on the clock
Swear that they're ticking.
But I don't hear a sound.

****,
Every second feels like an hour.
Yet somehow,
I still manage to lose track of time.

The last time I checked
I was hardly 16 years old
Shaking, alone,
Clenching a razor on my bedroom floor,
Pleading to god,
Pleading to anyone who would listen.
Take the pain away.
Or to just take me away.

But you see
I just looked up
And now I'm almost 20, going to college
Trying to balance the worlds weight
On my fragile shoulder blades.

I could tell you the square root of i
And what the Odyssey is all about.
What I couldn't tell you,
Is what I've done the past four years.
It's all a blur
*** the clock keeps on ticking
Producing static in my brain

The worlds spinning so fast I can hardly see

I want the dirt to bury me
6ft under.
Underneath all of the snow

Until the cold finally,
freezes over my wintergirl heart
Until its muffled "boom, boom"
Is put to a final rest
And all thats left to be heard is
The clocks hands
Tick...tock....

You always know what to say
I think that's one of the things I like most about you
Like when I told you I felt like an icicle
Unloved and cold
You told me icicles were your favorite when you were little
And you'd make your dad drive you around
Just to find the biggest icicles
Or the time I told you I cut myself
And you told me nothing would change the way you felt about me
Out of all your absolutely amazing qualities
This is one of the best

I constantly have to catch my breath around you.
Weird isn't it?
After all this time,
your beauty is still too much for me
5 years of soaking you in
slowly discovering little corner of your mind
taking in your features
memorizing you.
5 years
and you still put butterflies in my tummy
and stars in my eyes
5 years
and I still have to remind myself to breathe

The hands on the clock are ticking
faster than I can walk.
Seasons are changing
along with my heart
A breath of fresh air was long overdue.
A whole new world, full of promise and hope,
Leaves me standing here lonely
with the same empty feeling I swore I'd escape
the second I left that god awful town.
But here I am.  Feeling quite worthless
and did I mention lonely?
Maybe the place wasn't the problem
Maybe I am.

You slithered in at an awful time
I was lonely
My hands shook
Begging to be touched
So you took advantage,
You found your way into my mouth
Then slowly down to my trembling legs
You slithered right in
and stole my innocence

When the night rolls around,
It is said that lonely people are always awake
So in the middle of the night,
I sit in bed lonesome
Squeezing my pillows at 2am
Wondering where you are
And how much I would love
To be silently wrapped in the arms of a lover

Talking about the memories makes me think.
Not so much of the night,
But everything I did to get the night out of my head.
To remove the way you stared back
Eyes dark as the black sky
with flecks of lights
Just like the stars,
and promised you me forever.
The way I pounded my head against the kitchen floor
repeatedly, sobbing
hoping it would erase you.
The way I carved it in my skin afterward.
The way all of the words I never got to say fell out of my mouth into the toilet
And it never left.

Does a lovers love ever completely fade?
Or does one push it aside
Let the flame die down, but still glow
Try to forget all of the memories you share.
Try to forget the little things about them that stick in your brain
Like the way they loved the breakfast club
or the way they'd squeeze your hand a little tighter when they saw the cuts
Or maybe the way I'm still writing about you says "I miss you" enough?

I squeezed his hand harder so he wouldn't leave
I could feel his  hand breaking
Along with my heart

I could lay here forever
On this old lumpy mattress
Watching your smile
Listening to you talk
You are why I breathe

The days have been passing
And no mends have been made.
The ashes are still swirling through the air
From the last war we fought,
But it seems to me
The battles always end the same
They leave a devastation that I can no longer bear
So of course:
I'll always remember your smile
Your gentle touch
And the way your words
bandaged the wounds the world had given me
But its time for me to let this go
I've found someone who not only tends to my wounds
But fully heals them,
And protects me from any other pain
I'm safe now.
I wish you the best
But it's time to let go.

A bottle of *****
split between two
two aching souls
looking for an escape
The room is spinning
This is where I need to be
No worries
No nothing
Absolute numbness

im laying alone
in the same bed where we once made love.
smothered in blankets
that long for your long thin body

I look at my window
and your names still etched in
i dont have the heart to clean it.

Your ***** in a box
In my parents room-
Collecting dust
And quietly whispering
"Reminisce" softly
Down the back of my neck

why do things have to spoil?
whys the thing that hurts feel the best?
why is it that no matter what the sun and moon do
no matter how hard they try
they are a world away.

no matter what I do
I don't think I'm made for you

..and that really hurts.

Then:
My face was painted
with a cheesy smile
and I shone with the radiance
of one thousand suns
My eyes were big brown and curious
But as the years passed
My glow faded
The innocence in my face was gone
In innocence in my heart was gone
Now:
I am an empty shell of a human
And no matter what I do
I cannot remove
the disgusting stain
the world
has left
on my soul

People often retrace their steps
To find something they've lost.
If their keys are missing,
They think back to the last time they had them.
And then they appear
Your keys are on the nightstand, where you left them last.
But how do I retrace the steps
to find my sanity
If I can't even remember the last time I had it?

A whirlwind sweeps in
Things are flying everywhere
They cut you
They scratch you
They bruise you
You scream but nobody answers
You are alone in your own storm