The hands on the clock
Swear that they're ticking.
But I don't hear a sound.

****,
Every second feels like an hour.
Yet somehow,
I still manage to lose track of time.

The last time I checked
I was hardly 16 years old
Shaking, alone,
Clenching a razor on my bedroom floor,
Pleading to god,
Pleading to anyone who would listen.
Take the pain away.
Or to just take me away.

But you see
I just looked up
And now I'm almost 20, going to college
Trying to balance the worlds weight
On my fragile shoulder blades.

I could tell you the square root of i
And what the Odyssey is all about.
What I couldn't tell you,
Is what I've done the past four years.
It's all a blur
*** the clock keeps on ticking
Producing static in my brain

The worlds spinning so fast I can hardly see

I want the dirt to bury me
6ft under.
Underneath all of the snow

Until the cold finally,
freezes over my wintergirl heart
Until its muffled "boom, boom"
Is put to a final rest
And all thats left to be heard is
The clocks hands
Tick...tock....

shattered glass
and satin waterfalls
mix better than you'd think

it's bitter, but it's good
you know what i mean?
Take the good with the bad,
that sort of thing.
I don't know...
Your lips are soft.

and maybe its good how much I've been hurt
'*** the next time I fall
it won't hurt half as bad.

I'm getting better, I think.
One day at a time.
But sometimes, I walk back into the dark closet
in the very back of my mind,
and let the skeletons and monsters out,
just for a second.
but sometimes, those monsters,
they have a way of taking over.
I should just stop going back there.

I've got a problem with letting go,
and with missing people.
I can't lose my grip.

I want to be your anchor,
something to ground you
but not to hold you down.

I am searching.

a dizzy dreamer
stuck in a bland reality
waiting in line
to get to the next destination

where are we going again?
"i don't quite know!
But I do know we'll get there!"
I want to hop of this endless train ride
or take a detour

I need adventure
I need life again
and I need you

There's a really cute boy
Who's third eye glows like lightning bugs do on blissful summer nights.
His heart seems so passionate
He could use its red hot heat to light his blunts.
And his mind expansive, sea upon sea.
He's a wordsmith, and a philosopher
With a vocabulary that sort of turns me on,
And a body that does ten times more.
His unique way of thinking
Suggests interesting ***.
A body I'd love to explore
And a mind I'd love to know.
Stay around,
let's see how things go.

today
i am a winter girl
with hands like ice
and a body temp of 20 below

today i am an anorexic
eating reluctant bite
after reluctant bite
counting each and every calorie
trying to calm my nerves

today i am a **** up daughter
who drove her car off the road
and lied to her parents saying
"someone else caused it"

not today, but every day
i am withering more and more
color fading
desire dwindling

im laying alone
in the same bed where we once made love.
smothered in blankets
that long for your long thin body

I look at my window
and your names still etched in
i dont have the heart to clean it.

Your ***** in a box
In my parents room-
Collecting dust
And quietly whispering
"Reminisce" softly
Down the back of my neck

why do things have to spoil?
whys the thing that hurts feel the best?
why is it that no matter what the sun and moon do
no matter how hard they try
they are a world away.

no matter what I do
I don't think I'm made for you

..and that really hurts.

cold wind burns my cheeks
red as a rose
golden leafs dance around,
and crunch underneath my scuffed up converse
down a ***** pebble road
I look down at my shoes
and remember the past.
sometimes i resent it
other times i thank it
today I don't know how to feel
so I guess i'll keep walking

putting myself first is something I've never been good at.
a fragile heart too big for my chest,
filled with such love,
but not for myself.
I will tend to your wounds,
and sing you to sleep
anything you need
and nothing for me

excuse me, miss?
are you paying attention?
x equals this,
and y equals that.
let's try this again,
its jumbled in my head.
remember this formula,
and recall that odd rule.
miss, do you get it?
oh god you're hopeless and,
you're hard headed, my dear
you just won't learn

bubble bubble
she boils over,
the hiss of the water
hitting a scalding hot ***.
it burns just the same as the matches
on her inner thigh that burned holes oh so long ago.
buzz buzz
just static in her head.

some call her an overboiled ***,
or a broken tv
either way,
she's useless to me

It's nothing new to me,
feeling out of place.
Never comfortable in my skin
How else to cope, but sin?

Just a few more sips,
that'll do the trick!
As I guzzle I look around and see
nothing but lonely empty bottles,
and lonely old empty me.

Skip this, toss that.
Avoid meals to gain control
I'll them not to worry,
even though they never do.

Another pound down, I deserve a shot

The hands on the clock are ticking
faster than I can walk.
Seasons are changing
along with my heart
A breath of fresh air was long overdue.
A whole new world, full of promise and hope,
Leaves me standing here lonely
with the same empty feeling I swore I'd escape
the second I left that god awful town.
But here I am.  Feeling quite worthless
and did I mention lonely?
Maybe the place wasn't the problem
Maybe I am.

Take me away from here
I am tired, and weak.
No desire, no drive
no more sparkle in my eye.
Maybe I'll always feel this dead

The moon and the sun
can never be one, my love.
We will always be a world apart,
but do not ever forget
the light you radiate,
from afar,
gives me life

Lately it seems
the memories of that past
are clouding my brain.
I remember the days and nights
I spent alone in my room
Howling at the moon
Begging it to take away my sadness
as my thighs dripped crimson red
and my tiny body shivered
the chattering of my teeth is still echoing in my head

oh medicine man,
I'm feeling blue.
What do you think I should do?
Its up to you, my medicine man
To make this feeling go away
You're feeding me pills
one after one
But I don't feel
anything.
I'm numb.
Medicine man,
what have you done?

I have come undone

Then:
My face was painted
with a cheesy smile
and I shone with the radiance
of one thousand suns
My eyes were big brown and curious
But as the years passed
My glow faded
The innocence in my face was gone
In innocence in my heart was gone
Now:
I am an empty shell of a human
And no matter what I do
I cannot remove
the disgusting stain
the world
has left
on my soul

Nobody knows how to fix a girl this broken
People walk past
And see my shattered pieces on the ground
Some look down and give me a look of sympathy
Others look and say
I wouldn't be so broken if I hadn't jumped off a ******* bridge
But what these people don't seem to grasp is
I didn't jump.
I fell.
I didn't mean to end up like this
Nobody wants to be this broken
*someone please just help me off the ******* ground

As the cold air of November beings to settle in
I feel the warmth of the happiness I once had
Being drained out of my body.
My eyes feel heavy,
I can't eat again.
My thighs are once again marked
with the expression of my sadness.
empty.
A constant roller coaster
I can't get off of,
for the past five years
I've been going straight down
with small, sharp peaks
of a temporary happiness
that always slips through my hands

i've been alive seventeen years
and I am just now scratching the surface
of living.

nothing's the same without you
a grey cloud follows me everywhere
since you've been gone
where did you go?
"The neighbors said
she moved away.
funny how it rained all day."
Without you here
everything is wrong
the world has been ******
and we just need you back
"I'm not coming back
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak"
You're free now
an angel
free of the torture of our world
"now the rain is washing you out of my head
and out of my mind"
it was your time.
you left because you had to
"I guess I'll go home now."

missing you comes in breezes
memories reside in the back of my mind
not daring to come start replaying
because they know my fragile heart
is not ready to see what we were
and accept
what we've become
strangers
missing you comes in hail storms
rare
and painful

The leafs are turning
And so is my heart
I no longer feel as light
As I did in the summer
My being feels heavy
It drags me down
I long for skinny thighs
And your old, lustful eyes.
I'm sensing a shift
Into my old frame of mind
(Dear god, don't let it get bad)

Something in me grew cold one day
Teardrop icicles hung from my cheeks
I yearned for a love to thaw out
My wintergirl heart.
I searched for love in starvation
I searched for warmth in purging
I searched for feelings in cuts
I searched for acceptance in him.
I opened my body
instead of my heart.
and nothing was changed
My heart remained cold
My body still weak
You couldn't save me
and that's okay
I'm thawing now
My suns come out
It still gets chilly
But I'm okay
(I don't know if you care)

One: I am born, brown eyed and screaming
Two: I am four years old, people compliment my sisters exotic green eyes. Are mine ugly?
Three: I am seven, and I am thinner than her. I win.
Four: I am eleven and I lie about my weight. I wish I was skinny.
Five: I am thirteen, refusing to eat
Six: I am fourteen and empty. I cut every inch of my body
Seven: I am fifteen and miserable. I contemplate suicide
Eight: I am sixteen and medicated. Meghan killed herself. I am bones. Am I alive?
Nine**: I am seventeen and I ache, but I am healing

I squeezed his hand harder so he wouldn't leave
I could feel his  hand breaking
Along with my heart

Perhaps the war in my mind will call got a cease fire
Maybe peace will come along,
And my brain will agree to make peace with my body
To cooperate
To eat
Never to cut again
To love every flaw
Oh perhaps there will be a cease fire

this
can't
be
all
there
is

Day after day the sun rises
Day after day the sun sets
At every sun rise,
you are my only thought
picturing you rolling over
and cradling my body
every time the sun whispers goodbye
and the moon slowly creeps up
you are on my mind
I picture you and I sitting outside
Amongst the fire flies
Whispering about life
you are every thought
and every dream
I have ever had
I love you endlessly

I could lay here forever
On this old lumpy mattress
Watching your smile
Listening to you talk
You are why I breathe

Because you are every
good,
clean,
pure,
and wonderful thing on this planet
You let off sunshine with your smile
And I am every piece of toxic waste that fills this universe and pollutes the air that is slowly choking you
I don't deserve you

Red
I remember the crimson glow that use to leak from my thighs
I miss it
Gray
My skin turned an awful shade of grey but it was wrapped around bones
Not fat
Pink
Little scars along my legs
They're screaming
Blue
All the pills I took to not feel so alone
I'm still lonely
Purple**
The rings around my eyes from when I couldn't sleep at all
They're still there

I crave attention.
My whole being begs for it.
My hands tremble
my knees quake
and my lips bleed.
Can anyone hear me?
Is anyone there?
I'll stomp my feet,
I'll kick,
I'll scream,
I demand to be heard.
Someone acknowledge me
I can no longer be an invisible girl
Help

My hearts made of tinder
And every word you speak
Is another match ignited
Every empty glance you give me
Produces sparks
I'm highly flammable
Please stop trying to burn me to ashes

Sometimes I dream I'm floating
Weightless throughout space
With this thought my heart beat steadies
It dark up here in outer space
I don't know how to get back home
but that's ok
It's cold up here in outer space
So cold it makes my skin turn grey
my hair comes out here in outer space?
Something's not adding up
It's supposed to be lovely in outer space
I’m far from home and i am cold
This isn't peace
This isn't beautiful
This is prison
This is hell
This is an eating disorder

You're such a joyful spirit
Painted vibrant yellow
I wonder what went wrong
And where you are now?
Are you just as cheerful now?
Do you dance around the graveyard at night?
Singing loud for all the other ghost
Who roam the night restlessly?
Please tell me what you're doing
Tell me how you are.
Are you dancing in the graveyard?

The worlds a loathsome place
But if you close your eyes long enough
You'll drift off somewhere safe
Where there's no more acid corroding the flowers
That once bloomed in abundance
No more rain storms made from heart broken tears
That have flooded so high you can hardly even breathe
The winds that had roared screaming that
"You're worthless"
Will cease.
You can get away from these ungodly surrounding
Even if just for a second

Not so long ago
I wandered through a forest
Thinking to myself what it'd be like to be loved
Until a tall, tanned boy
With empty black eyes
Approached me
and in the most seductive tone he asked
"Why don't you come with me?"
I hadn't had company in some time,
so
I followed him
He made my heart feel lighter
And my sorrow not so deep
My only folly was loving him too much,
when he hadn't an ounce of love in his soul
So, he left me
And I was alone

Not so long ago,
I wandered through a now lonely forest,
Full of memories of my mystery boy who had broken my heart
He'd taken my sunshine
He left me nothing but darkness
and emptiness in my heart
It hurt to laugh
It hurt to breathe
It hurt to live
and I couldn't escape it.

That is, until
a strange little boy with eyes bluer than the ocean
approached me and said in the sweetest tone
"take my hand, I'll guide you and take you to the sunshine"
So I grasped his rough hand,
and we wandered in the dark
Time had passed
And he made my laugh flow more
He provided me comfort
But still something was missing

Not so long ago,
I grew tired of the blue eyed boy
he was far too angry
and especially overbearing
he loved me too much.
and I didn't love him enough.
So I broke this boys heart,
Leaving him alone
His reacted with anger,
Spitting venom into my veins
leaving me lifeless

Not so long ago
A sweet little angel,
who was so very familiar
wandered over to me,
and he didn't say a word.
I looked at his eyes,
dark yet welcoming
and an enticing smile upon his angelic face.
He took my hand and helped me up
he ****** up the venom from my body
he kissed all of my wounds
he didn't save me from this forest,
but he joined me and kept me company
he painted the forest with vibrant colors
and filled it with the sound of his laughter
He made me a home out of this forest,
so I made him a home in my heart

I'm so scared to have my heart broken
I remember the pain I once felt
It overtook my being,
dropped weights in my stomach
sent tsunamis to my eyes
and knives into my windpipe
Then I think about how much I love you,
and it'll hurt that much more
Please don't break my fragile heart

You slithered in at an awful time
I was lonely
My hands shook
Begging to be touched
So you took advantage,
You found your way into my mouth
Then slowly down to my trembling legs
You slithered right in
and stole my innocence

He makes my lips hurt
and my heart race
oh my god, I'm in love

My sadness provides me with comfort
Sick, isn't it?
It's just something that's always been there
Consistency
That's comforting to me
And as much as I want to feel the sunshine on my cheeks
And have flowers bloom within my mind
Part of me is so scared to leave my sadness behind

It was late September
Rain poured
and I drunkenly stumbled into your arms
You spoke of how I smelt of whiskey,
And how I forgot my shoes
You laughed at my slurred words
And drunken honesty
But that was the night we spat out the truth
"I love you"

The bags under your eyes
grow darker and darker as the days pass
you insist that youre fine
I place a kiss on my forehead.
Your tired eyes are telling of the wars you fight every night
But
you're bound to crash sooner or later
so curl up by my side
intertwine your hand with mine
and rest your tired eyes

It makes me sad that you won't read all of my writing.
I know its silly to get upset
But its part of me
It is my past
It is my present
And you refuse to accept all of it.
You refuse to see all that I feel
And that makes me sad

"She's cured!"
Then how come my mind still screams
"You fat disgusting pig"?
And I still cringe every time I hear your name?
How come I still etch red tally marks on the top of my thighs
And, I still keep the pills
In a bottle under my dresser
And they still call my name begging me to take them
all at once with a big swing of whiskey
Why am I still counting every calorie
And drowning my sorrows with the sting of alcohol?
Is this what its like to be cured?

Some days I feel good
Like I have a chance of being normal
But then there's days like today
Where I drown in my sadness
And choke on self hatred
They tell me "recovery is a process"
And that I have to be patient
But would you tell someone
who was drowning in the ocean
to be patient and wait for rescue?

On rainy days
I think of you
The rain reminds me of how gloomy I have become
And on sunny days,
I think of you
The sun reminds me of how radiant I use to be
When you were alive
I think when you left,
So did my sun
Stuck with gray hazy days
When you died
So did my happiness

I myself am a disease
Highly contagious,
And fatal to all.
I infect all the others around me
I never mean to
But its always the people I love the most,
I infect the most
I see their smiles grow less and less luminous
As days pass
Their laughter becomes dull
Their eyes become empty
I ruin people
Run while you can