There are times
When rather than sitting behind my eyes
I watch the world from the back of my head
Where the negative thoughts abound
And my outlook becomes dark(er).

There are times
When she steps closer to me
In order for her words to have more effect.
Her lecture/scolding/discussion to make a difference
Maybe this time.
But instead of that my eyes unfocus
And she appears farther away instead.

There are times
When the words I speak become like whispers
When I nod yes
But really want to explode
Yell and scream and rage
And throw delicate things at the wall.
But it’s easier in the long-term just to agree.

There are times
When I am with the person they don’t want me to be with.
And the world is right.
And I don’t know
If I’m with him because they don’t want me to be,
Or it’s because I’m drawn to him without their influence.

And it’s really unfair
That I can’t be in my world all the time
That there are times when I have built a wall within myself.
Just to agree
And get through the day without screaming until my throat is raw.
There are times that I do, though.
Why does that feel so right?

When they told me you were gone I believed them.
How could I not after seeing you in that hospital room
Your hands warm but limp?
When I sat with my head in my hands cursing God
I was really cursing you for leaving me
When I had so much left to tell you.

You told me you wanted to take me to Ireland before you died.
If I ever get to see that place I’ll only think of you.
I still expect you to walk in the door on Christmas and birthdays
With that smile on your face and your arms full of love.
When I dream of you I always tell you
“I had a dream you left us.”
And you always laugh.
Maybe you’re telling me you’re not really gone.
And I guess I know that.
It’s just so hard to see that look in Dad’s eyes
When he tells me about his childhood
And you.

They’re fighting  now, your children.
The last time I saw all of them together was at your funeral.
You were the glue that held us together.
And how I miss you.
I’m not angry at you for leaving anymore
But I wish I could hug you one last time
And tell you I love you.

For Nicole*


Little girl
(For that is who you still are to me – a little girl. Will I ever see you as a woman?)
I realized today that you will be entering high school.
And I have some advice.

They will tell you that these are your best years of your life.
They won’t be.
Believe me.
I know what it is to stand in the crowded halls and feel entirely alone.

All the movies and television shows will tell you that high school is the time to fall in love.
It isn’t.
Believe me.
I know what it is to give your heart away and realize it wasn’t wanted.

You will think that the friends you make will be with you for the rest of your life.
Be cautious.
Believe me.
Your true friends will emerge when you least expect it.

Stay true to yourself.
Pay attention in class.
Make friends with your teachers.
Baby girl.
Believe me.
I’m here for you.

They don’t see the person I see.
They can’t look past your age, your bank account.
I can.
They don’t see the random texts you send me,
The food you bring me without asking (God I love that.)
The kisses you surprise me with.
They don’t see your smile when I walk in the room.
But I can.

What does age matter?
We’re so alike, you and I.
The best love stories
Have people in them who are told
“You’ll never be together.”
But we could if we wanted to.
And that’s where they’re wrong.

They say that they want what’s best for me.
If only they knew how happy I was when I’m with you.
Maybe they would reconsider.
They think they’re protecting me from you.
But you might need it from me.
And how can they know what you’re like based on a number?

I’ve watched your eyes light up when I hold your chin in my hand.
Your face fall when I say something cutting.
How many times I watched you
Stare after me in my rearview mirror?
If only they knew what I know
Maybe they would have more faith in me.

I held onto my delusions for too long.
Your vellum eyes spoke to me
And I translated what they were saying into what I wanted to hear.
But now
You don’t love me.
If you loved me, this wouldn’t be happening.
I wouldn’t be waiting around for you
Like those girls I hate
Those girls who pine and cry and don’t do **** to make their life happen.
I turned myself into what I despise.

I am capable of such abject cruelty
To the men whose hearts I possess
That I disgust myself.
I look back at what I’ve done and I don’t even recognize myself.
And hell, I’m strong.
I can lift my own weight
I’ve never been too tired to fight off my own demons.
But I can’t lift a finger against you.
This man I fought for instead of against.
The only weapon I have is the one I can’t bring myself to use.

I’ll hold onto silence as long as I can.
But even I know that it won’t be long before I give in.

There was a reason I ****** your hand away.
A reason your lips held all my fears.
And there was a reason I embraced you.
Your words were what I wanted to hear and your trembling endearing.
Dear God, how we collided, damaged as we pulled apart,
To the point where I didn’t recognize myself afterwards, or you.
You say I left change in your bed, but I left my old self there and took the change with me.
As I regained my clothes I donned my sense of wrong, my sense of shame,
Of knowledge that Adam and Eve felt.
I am quite the Eve, but you?
You’re no Adam.
Son of Adam, stumbling through life and through the great book.
Your hands coated with misery.
Open the door to the cage, I beg you.
If there was ever a time for flying away, too high, too high, then it is now.
I am Icarus, and you my wings.
Fall away while I plummet into an eternity.
Let go while there’s still time.

*Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

Prove to me how smart you are, my friend.
Doubt me.
Avoid me.
Wash my words with salt
And rub them raw.
Treat me like a criminal
And glance down dark alleys
Looking for me.
Do not trust me with valuable possessions.
Use words I don’t understand –
Reference things you can’t explain
Without my having lived your life.
Prove to me how smart you are, my friend.
And forget me.