There are times
When rather than sitting behind my eyes
I watch the world from the back of my head
Where the negative thoughts abound
And my outlook becomes dark(er).

There are times
When she steps closer to me
In order for her words to have more effect.
Her lecture/scolding/discussion to make a difference
Maybe this time.
But instead of that my eyes unfocus
And she appears farther away instead.

There are times
When the words I speak become like whispers
When I nod yes
But really want to explode
Yell and scream and rage
And throw delicate things at the wall.
But it’s easier in the long-term just to agree.

There are times
When I am with the person they don’t want me to be with.
And the world is right.
And I don’t know
If I’m with him because they don’t want me to be,
Or it’s because I’m drawn to him without their influence.

And it’s really unfair
That I can’t be in my world all the time
That there are times when I have built a wall within myself.
Just to agree
And get through the day without screaming until my throat is raw.
There are times that I do, though.
Why does that feel so right?

When they told me you were gone I believed them.
How could I not after seeing you in that hospital room
Your hands warm but limp?
When I sat with my head in my hands cursing God
I was really cursing you for leaving me
When I had so much left to tell you.

You told me you wanted to take me to Ireland before you died.
If I ever get to see that place I’ll only think of you.
I still expect you to walk in the door on Christmas and birthdays
With that smile on your face and your arms full of love.
When I dream of you I always tell you
“I had a dream you left us.”
And you always laugh.
Maybe you’re telling me you’re not really gone.
And I guess I know that.
It’s just so hard to see that look in Dad’s eyes
When he tells me about his childhood
And you.

They’re fighting  now, your children.
The last time I saw all of them together was at your funeral.
You were the glue that held us together.
And how I miss you.
I’m not angry at you for leaving anymore
But I wish I could hug you one last time
And tell you I love you.

For Nicole*


Little girl
(For that is who you still are to me – a little girl. Will I ever see you as a woman?)
I realized today that you will be entering high school.
And I have some advice.

They will tell you that these are your best years of your life.
They won’t be.
Believe me.
I know what it is to stand in the crowded halls and feel entirely alone.

All the movies and television shows will tell you that high school is the time to fall in love.
It isn’t.
Believe me.
I know what it is to give your heart away and realize it wasn’t wanted.

You will think that the friends you make will be with you for the rest of your life.
Be cautious.
Believe me.
Your true friends will emerge when you least expect it.

Stay true to yourself.
Pay attention in class.
Make friends with your teachers.
Baby girl.
Believe me.
I’m here for you.

They don’t see the person I see.
They can’t look past your age, your bank account.
I can.
They don’t see the random texts you send me,
The food you bring me without asking (God I love that.)
The kisses you surprise me with.
They don’t see your smile when I walk in the room.
But I can.

What does age matter?
We’re so alike, you and I.
The best love stories
Have people in them who are told
“You’ll never be together.”
But we could if we wanted to.
And that’s where they’re wrong.

They say that they want what’s best for me.
If only they knew how happy I was when I’m with you.
Maybe they would reconsider.
They think they’re protecting me from you.
But you might need it from me.
And how can they know what you’re like based on a number?

I’ve watched your eyes light up when I hold your chin in my hand.
Your face fall when I say something cutting.
How many times I watched you
Stare after me in my rearview mirror?
If only they knew what I know
Maybe they would have more faith in me.

I held onto my delusions for too long.
Your vellum eyes spoke to me
And I translated what they were saying into what I wanted to hear.
But now
You don’t love me.
If you loved me, this wouldn’t be happening.
I wouldn’t be waiting around for you
Like those girls I hate
Those girls who pine and cry and don’t do **** to make their life happen.
I turned myself into what I despise.

I am capable of such abject cruelty
To the men whose hearts I possess
That I disgust myself.
I look back at what I’ve done and I don’t even recognize myself.
And hell, I’m strong.
I can lift my own weight
I’ve never been too tired to fight off my own demons.
But I can’t lift a finger against you.
This man I fought for instead of against.
The only weapon I have is the one I can’t bring myself to use.

I’ll hold onto silence as long as I can.
But even I know that it won’t be long before I give in.

There was a reason I ****** your hand away.
A reason your lips held all my fears.
And there was a reason I embraced you.
Your words were what I wanted to hear and your trembling endearing.
Dear God, how we collided, damaged as we pulled apart,
To the point where I didn’t recognize myself afterwards, or you.
You say I left change in your bed, but I left my old self there and took the change with me.
As I regained my clothes I donned my sense of wrong, my sense of shame,
Of knowledge that Adam and Eve felt.
I am quite the Eve, but you?
You’re no Adam.
Son of Adam, stumbling through life and through the great book.
Your hands coated with misery.
Open the door to the cage, I beg you.
If there was ever a time for flying away, too high, too high, then it is now.
I am Icarus, and you my wings.
Fall away while I plummet into an eternity.
Let go while there’s still time.

*Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

Prove to me how smart you are, my friend.
Doubt me.
Avoid me.
Wash my words with salt
And rub them raw.
Treat me like a criminal
And glance down dark alleys
Looking for me.
Do not trust me with valuable possessions.
Use words I don’t understand –
Reference things you can’t explain
Without my having lived your life.
Prove to me how smart you are, my friend.
And forget me.

There have been times in my life, my darling
When I felt myself sway
Like there were arms to catch me.
My weight transferred
My body warmed
By a spiritual embrace.

Every night, my darling
I clutched a pillow to me
And waited for my blankets to warm it.
So I would dream.
I dreamed that I wasn’t alone.

When you hold me, my darling
My eyes swell with relief
To have found my home.
So that when I sway
You are there to catch me.
When I sleep I hold you.
No longer will I stumble into empty space
Or clutch cold pillows
My darling.

Dark room
Eyes adjust
To see your shape
In the dark bed.
I come in from the cold
To enter your blankets.
Stripping so I can feel
Your body against mine.
You woke suddenly,
Feeling my cold skin
And sigh,
Enfolding me
Giving me a home
And a kiss on the forehead.
And we lay there
My breath ragged
From my heart stopping a moment ago.
Yours is the sleep pattern
That I have come to love.
Yes love.
I love.

Land mines
The path I’ve chosen
Need to watch my steps
Or I’ll lose them.

I set them
Those traps
Intending to catch
Something other than myself.

But here I stumble
My fingers clutch thorns
My feet nailed to blades
Trying to reach
What I’ve told myself
That I should not have.

He’s not for me.
I know
I know
I know
He’s not for me.
And I want him.
But I never wanted him before
I planted the land mines
And the thorn trees.

Color me metallic –
Reflecting.
I play every character on stage.
I live internally
My adventures occurring over and over
Reliving
Like the frost on a windshield
I obscure
And am obscured
By what people want to see.
Two-dimensional
Nuisance
But when the light hits me
I shine before I melt away.

Don’t say nice things to me,
I don’t deserve them.
I love you
But not in the way you wanted me to.
I love you like you’re a part of me.
We understand each other perfectly.
We can talk about anything.
We can be ourselves without fear.
We can look each other in the eye.
And when we’re together
I’m so happy
Because someone understands me.
Maybe you feel the same.
You are like an extension of me,
A twin
Or a shadow – substantial.
Or perhaps you’re the light to my dark.
I can’t let you go.
I seek you out.
I love you.
I don’t want to speak for you
Though I understand you enough
To think that you probably love me, too.
Be my –
There is no word for what we are
All I know is
I can’t bear to part with you.

The only light
From the headlights of my car
And from your house windows.
My face buried in your neck
My hand curled around your head.
Your arms sheltering my body
The pressure on my shoulders from your weight
My feet pressed onto my toes
So I can reach you.
Thus we would stay forever
If we had the choice.

Driving away from you
I can’t bear to look back
But I know you’re watching
And my tears are coming too fast
For me to try to control.
I yell into my silent car,
“****!”
The expression of my loss.
Feeling like I was punched in the heart.

When my tears finally subside
- Somewhere near Keene –
You call
And I blurt out short answers
Not able to speak how I feel
Knowing I can succumb
To the swell of agony again
At any moment.
And on the rest of the ride home
Bursting into tears
When there’s a line in a song
That reminds me of you.
But I know if I turned it off
I would break down completely.

Moment after moment
Flashes through my head
Of time we’ve spent together.
The time you told me you loved me.
The time I made you cry.
The time you got me flowers – perfect flowers,
Not the kind I would have hated.
The times we exchanged cutes over texts
Until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
The time we saw each other again
And I couldn’t look you in the eye.
The times I sought you out when I was lonely and hurt.
The times we started drinking together.
The time you looked into my eyes as you removed my shirt.
The time you listened on the phone as I poured out my soul.
The time I swung around a lamppost to face you
When you said something shocking and slightly offensive.
The time you told me my smile was enchanting.
The time I saw your band play a show
The time I told you I loved you.
I see all this and more
In the headlights of my car.

We arrived a few minutes ago
Craving warmth
Craving something to keep us together.

There was a red couch in the corner.
I chose to sit in it on purpose.
We used to be so close.

Just as we settled
Your arm around me and my head on your shoulder
They came to tell us the coffee shop was closing.

And it occurred to me
That this always happens to us
Circumstances always happen to us.

And that red couch will always remind me of you
And the skyline will always remind me of you
And the dark silence in my car will always remind me of you.

I choke on things I want to say
I touch your face instead of kissing you
I pull away instead of clinging to you.

It’s always me
Pulling you off of the couch
Driving away in my car.

I am the one who moves us
You are the one who wants to let down your anchor
And I’m dead tired.

I feel like a little girl running with dandelions,
Their seeds spilling behind me
So that when I give them to you
Nothing remains but the stems
And you love them anyway.
But I’m in tears.

I realized today that I had lost you
Thirteen hours after your call
When the house was empty
And the pain was free to rush in.
And all I wanted was a hug from you
Your arms containing me so I don’t shatter.

But you’re not here.
So I stand in my silent kitchen,
My tears falling and my heart pounding.
Wondering if you’re thinking about me, too.

Maybe it’s cause I’m listening to so much Sinatra,
But profound thoughts hit me lately like bad news
And all I’ve been thinking about is you.
Driving on the freeway and wishing you were in the passenger seat
Bolts of lightning light up the sky like you light up my life
Briefly, powerfully, beautifully.

We hit a wall a few days ago.
It was partly your fault, partly mine.
You want so much of me
And I don’t have enough of me to give.
We’re still reeling like drunks after a fight
Wondering if we’ll ever walk straight again.

But I can’t imagine my world without you.
You’re the steel rod keeping my back straight
The first thing I think of when something out of the ordinary happens.
When I look in the mirror
I wonder what you would think.
So even though it would be easier if I was alone
It would make my world less worth inhabiting
If you didn’t occupy it.