There have been times in my life, my darling
When I felt myself sway
Like there were arms to catch me.
My weight transferred
My body warmed
By a spiritual embrace.

Every night, my darling
I clutched a pillow to me
And waited for my blankets to warm it.
So I would dream.
I dreamed that I wasn’t alone.

When you hold me, my darling
My eyes swell with relief
To have found my home.
So that when I sway
You are there to catch me.
When I sleep I hold you.
No longer will I stumble into empty space
Or clutch cold pillows
My darling.

Dark room
Eyes adjust
To see your shape
In the dark bed.
I come in from the cold
To enter your blankets.
Stripping so I can feel
Your body against mine.
You woke suddenly,
Feeling my cold skin
And sigh,
Enfolding me
Giving me a home
And a kiss on the forehead.
And we lay there
My breath ragged
From my heart stopping a moment ago.
Yours is the sleep pattern
That I have come to love.
Yes love.
I love.

Land mines
The path I’ve chosen
Need to watch my steps
Or I’ll lose them.

I set them
Those traps
Intending to catch
Something other than myself.

But here I stumble
My fingers clutch thorns
My feet nailed to blades
Trying to reach
What I’ve told myself
That I should not have.

He’s not for me.
I know
I know
I know
He’s not for me.
And I want him.
But I never wanted him before
I planted the land mines
And the thorn trees.

Color me metallic –
Reflecting.
I play every character on stage.
I live internally
My adventures occurring over and over
Reliving
Like the frost on a windshield
I obscure
And am obscured
By what people want to see.
Two-dimensional
Nuisance
But when the light hits me
I shine before I melt away.

Don’t say nice things to me,
I don’t deserve them.
I love you
But not in the way you wanted me to.
I love you like you’re a part of me.
We understand each other perfectly.
We can talk about anything.
We can be ourselves without fear.
We can look each other in the eye.
And when we’re together
I’m so happy
Because someone understands me.
Maybe you feel the same.
You are like an extension of me,
A twin
Or a shadow – substantial.
Or perhaps you’re the light to my dark.
I can’t let you go.
I seek you out.
I love you.
I don’t want to speak for you
Though I understand you enough
To think that you probably love me, too.
Be my –
There is no word for what we are
All I know is
I can’t bear to part with you.

The only light
From the headlights of my car
And from your house windows.
My face buried in your neck
My hand curled around your head.
Your arms sheltering my body
The pressure on my shoulders from your weight
My feet pressed onto my toes
So I can reach you.
Thus we would stay forever
If we had the choice.

Driving away from you
I can’t bear to look back
But I know you’re watching
And my tears are coming too fast
For me to try to control.
I yell into my silent car,
“****!”
The expression of my loss.
Feeling like I was punched in the heart.

When my tears finally subside
- Somewhere near Keene –
You call
And I blurt out short answers
Not able to speak how I feel
Knowing I can succumb
To the swell of agony again
At any moment.
And on the rest of the ride home
Bursting into tears
When there’s a line in a song
That reminds me of you.
But I know if I turned it off
I would break down completely.

Moment after moment
Flashes through my head
Of time we’ve spent together.
The time you told me you loved me.
The time I made you cry.
The time you got me flowers – perfect flowers,
Not the kind I would have hated.
The times we exchanged cutes over texts
Until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
The time we saw each other again
And I couldn’t look you in the eye.
The times I sought you out when I was lonely and hurt.
The times we started drinking together.
The time you looked into my eyes as you removed my shirt.
The time you listened on the phone as I poured out my soul.
The time I swung around a lamppost to face you
When you said something shocking and slightly offensive.
The time you told me my smile was enchanting.
The time I saw your band play a show
The time I told you I loved you.
I see all this and more
In the headlights of my car.

We arrived a few minutes ago
Craving warmth
Craving something to keep us together.

There was a red couch in the corner.
I chose to sit in it on purpose.
We used to be so close.

Just as we settled
Your arm around me and my head on your shoulder
They came to tell us the coffee shop was closing.

And it occurred to me
That this always happens to us
Circumstances always happen to us.

And that red couch will always remind me of you
And the skyline will always remind me of you
And the dark silence in my car will always remind me of you.

I choke on things I want to say
I touch your face instead of kissing you
I pull away instead of clinging to you.

It’s always me
Pulling you off of the couch
Driving away in my car.

I am the one who moves us
You are the one who wants to let down your anchor
And I’m dead tired.