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Jun 2017 · 526
Sirens
Chardonnay in the glass by the window.
There’s a satin pillowcase by the floor where your head was.
I lost track of time for the fifth time yesterday,
When your eyes were shut and your hair smelled
Like the cigarette smoke from her lips.
Her.
Her rose lips from the dark lit room downtown,
Where you drink whiskey the way you like it and
She wears satin dresses that remind you of my gentle pillowcases.
I don’t wear satin dresses.
Even if I were to wear a gentle satin nightgown with space for your hands,
You’d drink more Chardonnay because it tastes like her and her pink mouth.
Your head hurt when you drank that coffee.
I made that coffee earlier yesterday morning but heating it up is no trouble.
Did you miss the whiskey?
That half empty glass bottle could have added to the rich drink I made you.
She would have never considered the way you like your drinks.
She is too busy letting her red fingers dance along the backs of handsome men
And luring your eyes from your hands to her pink lips.
There were pink lips on your collarbone, then I tasted her Chardonnay.
I found that bottle in the supermarket.
It was delicate and light like I figured she was.
Oh, but you fell asleep so fast.
You didn’t get to taste the gentle bottle from the table.
Your Chardonnay is in the glass by the window.
Your gentle little satin has changed colors now,
Switching and fading like her jumping fingertips.
I’ll finish the glass for you while I watch the lights come.
Gentle spinning to lighten every weight I’ve found here,
To make sure the scent of her perfume isn’t here any longer.
Her.
Jun 2017 · 232
Green.
My eyes didn't look green anymore.

You played that song over and over,
til those pretty words meant nothing.
I didn't notice: I sang along too often.

Your smile was toothy,
but I didn't say anything.
"Green isn't my favorite color."

My lips were painted pink,
but I wished they were purple.
That's when I remembered that
you didn't care.

You tore the locket off my neck.
"Say something, just speak."
But you won't like it,
green isn't your favorite color.

You don't remember me,
my name was crossed away.
You ripped my picture up.
You don't make me smile anymore,
anyway.

I forgot what green looked like.
My eyes were bright but I was not.
What does green look like?

I sang those songs you hated,
those words became my favorites.
I searched oceans, maybe, but
I could be lying.

My lockets broken but I don't care,
that was not love.
My favorite color was softer,
just like my own, old, sweaters.

My golden hair is better.
You don't smile toothy anymore.
Thats what happens when light leaves,
but,
my eyes are green again.
December 2015
Jun 2017 · 217
November, 2015.
I've been
saddled with a loneliness,
that only clarity controls.
With a subtly of insanity,
where a sane man takes his tolls.
Because someone like a jester,
with no royal, hateful, crown
has pinned me with a series of
unspeakable, lazy, downs.
If someone has ever viewed me,
they might laugh and smirk in my face,
because someone, like that jester,
has controlled me with their fate.
I didn't try to make a duty,
of the things I couldn't do,
when fear was binding me at my wrists,
and telling me that I wasn't there.
But the loneliness came crawling,
and it settled upon my back,
because for some reason that
horrible jester,
deems it funny to throw me
off my track.
Jun 2017 · 649
Untitled
My hands are on the floor.
My hands are in the blood.
My hands are covered in every choice I’ve ever made.

My eyes are closed.
My eyes can’t see.
The room is so dark, I can’t see the shape; I close my eyes.

Nothing but my silence.
I am coping with the decisions-
The blood on the floor.

My chest is bleeding.
Not my chest- my heart.
Is this my blood or yours?

My hands are on the floor.
There’s nothing on the floor.
I couldn’t find the floor.

I can’t open my eyes.
Because if the world isn’t the same,
As the way I once saw it,
I will lose my mind in all the blood.
/2016/
Aug 2016 · 614
My Fog
I have lost sight of you,
Of myself, probably in the process.
I have traveled through caves,
Carved my way through valleys,
Carried myself through currents with
Hope that seeing your face will bring me back.
You didn’t bring me back.
When I reached for my hand you let me go.
“I gave that to you years ago. How could I again?”
I spit the word “love” and “attachment,”
Thinking they mean the same thing.
I spit the word “hate,” because
That's the synonym you use for my name.
What color are my eyes?
Do you remember- I forgot.
You let me drown; you gave her your hand.
“I have that connection with her, not you.
I gave you all I could, how could I again?”
Her eyes must be a better color than mine.
She tried to kick dust in my face;
She couldn’t reach me.
I was underneath the water,
Choking on words like “love.”
You didn’t say goodbye, but
I guess you left me there to die.
She grabbed your hand before anyone else could.
She wore the necklace that made you hers.
She won the poison this time.
I won’t mumble how you crumble,
She can figure it out on her own.
So, when you let go of her hand,
She can’t blame me, or utter my name.
Because she watched you bury me faster than
The storm that brought me in.
Oct 2015 · 391
The Last Time
He traces constellations on my back
while I'm asleep.
Last night he kissed each of my fingers,
'one mores one more moment.'
I cracked my knees when he looked
at me.

I'm not much for telling lies,
sometimes the truth stings twice as hard.
He slumps over the counter,
a tower of defeat, of falling,
the tower of a fighter.

My name is carved on his forearm,
with red lipstick and fruity perfumes.
The color of his eyes bleeds when he sees me;
I'm draining him every moment he holds me.

He's weary but he's not breaking;
I falter every time the wind blows.
He grabbed my arm when I fell that way,
I fell into him instead.
My hands broke when I grabbed him.

He corsets up my ribs for me,
I hold him when I can.
He carries constellations in his palms,
and he releases them just for me.
I always cry when he looks at me
like that.

I saw him yesterday, like for the first time.
A flame I lit myself maybe years ago.
Our eyes are never empty when they reflect
each other.

I imagine love would be like that.
Was a long time ago.
Oct 2015 · 370
In the Attic
I trapped my soul in a music box.
The pearls around my neck sit upon
an empty set of hollow bones that
creak whenever you hold me.

I'm not beautiful.
The pale and curve of my skin doesn't
radiate with sunlight and bring out the
green in my eyes or the flowers in my hair.
I am the negative of a photograph you'll never take:
I am the mistake.

The blood pooling around my finger nails,
the heaviness of my chest every night, the
same time it came yesterday.
I am a prisoner to a mind that never ceases movement;
I am a consistent mess you'll never hold.

My soul sits in that music box,
buried beneath boxes of old magazines,
bags of couture, and the crates of
everything you prefer over me.
Oct 2015 · 409
Ten After Midnight
Yesterday I wrote my thoughts
with the overspill of red wine, and,
bandaids that fell from my cracked finger tips.
I wrote the words I hated saying,
I wrote the words I said too often,
I wrote what you said when your lips bled.

Your lips bled eight times that night;
your lips bleed when you lie.
I watched you scrape tobacco from
under your nails.
I watched you melt away like a candle wick.

Yesterday I wrote my thoughts.
I cut my hair with razor blades, and,
painted my lips that color you hate.
I burned my favorite photo of you,
I burned the tips of my fingers on the candle,
I burned the dinner I had on the stove.

Yesterday I spilled wine on the couch,
I wrapped my fingers in band-aids,
and I wrote.
I wrote about how your lips bled,
and bled.
But I won't write about that tomorrow.
Oct 2015 · 335
Less Excuses
My biggest mistake was
recording the noises only I heard.
I knew they weren't real;
I wasn't hearing them correctly.

My biggest mistake was
pretending I was alright when I wasnt.
People began to blur over my feelings,
as if always being 'alright' meant I did not have any.

My biggest mistake was
thinking, even for a moment, that I could.
That I could fathom any bit of the situation,
and spit it out so it made sense.

My biggest mistake was
believing that I had even
made a mistake in the first place.
Aug 2014 · 400
No, Love
Maybe if I crack open my rib cage
I could tape my heart back together myself.

I've never seen love;
I haven't heard love.
Maybe I haven't even felt love.

One step forward but
two steps back.
I was halfway to believing, now,
I'll never look back.

Maybe if I rip open my chest
I could see if I even have a heart to fix.

I forgot.
I gave it to you with apprehension;
I gave it to you with my hands.

But I must have fallen all alone
because, dear, what you gave back
to me
was only a stone
Jul 2014 · 406
Snake Eyes
Kiss her with those poisoned lips.
I haven't touched them lately but
the taste still burns the back of my throat.

Kiss her with that poison;
with the venom that spoiled me.
It doesn't bother me anymore
because that poison isn't mine.

Sting her with your fingertips;
at first it'll be so gentle she wont notice
but in the end she'll be plastered
like the inside of a breaking house.

Kiss her with those poisoned lips;
I hope she has the antidote.
The prey is always enticed by the show,
she won't realize, but I'll know.
Jul 2014 · 328
First Love
Just because my wrist didn't break when I first held your hand
does not mean that you are as gentle as I assumed you’d be.

When you hear the word ‘love’
You always think that the sound of the wind might
Suddenly sound like music, even when it hurricanes,
But it does not.

At first your kiss was sweet and warm
Like the honey in my tea, but,
Towards the end your lips stung
Like poison crafted by my own finger tips.

Just because you held me when I slept that Winter
Does not mean that you would only give me
the warmth and love that your body gives.

I took my first dance in December
When I thought that grabbing onto you
Seemed safe and almost lovely but
Now I know I might have been wrong.

Your name still fits in my diary.
Though now my heart sits broken,
You were once the very remedy
That mended all my stings.

When I hear the word ‘love’
I always think that the only way to pronounce his name
would require there be a smile on my face.
I still believe this.

I can say your name without smiling.
You loved me once,
You broke me once.
Your hand broke my wrist the last time you held it.
hmmm, just some thoughts
Jun 2014 · 292
Always at Midnight
The veins in my wrists are
being removed one by one.
I am relieving myself of the pressure,
and giving myself all my doubt.

I've drained myself of all my feelings,
because I could not handle them as well
as I should.
And I disdain the feelings I get in my fingertips,
then I crave the dissatisfaction that attaches itself
to me.

And you.

And you are weeping like a person of stone,
and you are making waves with the pressure
and the discontent that surrounds you on and ordinary basis.

And I.
I am a mess that even you cannot figure out,
nor piece together to make sense of anything.
While I let you down, and you fall because I am not
strong enough to hold both of us up.
I let myself fall so often that it makes it more difficult
to lift you from such a crater.

So I.
I hate myself every time I attempt to make things
right again,
by placing banner outside my door frames, and,
pretending like it's all okay again. Because I know its not.

And that mockingbird does not sing anymore,
and we say we are trying but I think we've both given up.
Because we seem happy in the company of unhappiness,
but when we are in our own solitude cell of our misery
we can no longer sustain ourselves.

So I am far too weak to make things right,
or cure things, or you.
Or fix things, like you.
I am not the savior of this story,
nor am I the villain.
I try to be the hero but I fail at that
as well.

And I.
I am sorry that I cannot be a statue for you.
Or a tower of arms that can serve as your protection.
Because I am weak, and I am wrong, and I have
sacrificed myself to all of my insecurities and
I have let you down in the process.
hmm
Jun 2014 · 280
Emotions Maybe
The tiles are much colder when
you are cemented into their core.
When nothing can erase it, and,
you can't get off the floor.

Settle into darkness,
my name without a face.
Because something tells me honestly,
there's a virtue in need a replace.

And I'm twisting like a knife,
but the only thing that's stings me is
my heart, and
I never knew I had one,
and now I wish I never did.

I feel it like a poison but
its only my imagination
because every time I cry,
it isnt killing me but I hope
you know it feels like it.

And I cannot stop my sobbing
because I am not as strong as
I think I am, and I am not
as emotionless as everyone
says that I am.

Because when I weep at 2 am
I know I am real, and I know
that I can feel,
and when you leave I feel a
void that only hits me and makes
me falter even more than I have
the night before,
and it hurts me with a greater

pain than one could even imagine.

and there is nothing I could do
after that because then
i am broken
and i am lost
and i am gone forever.
Title just thrown in there for the sake of a title.
May 2014 · 331
(Inside my Head)
Etched in floor boards,
underneath the **** rug
were my initials before they
changed.

Carved into my forearm
was my favorite date,
when I had changed and
become a better person,
but the scar healed over.

I have lost the original sting,
the pain I had given myself
to make me feel again.
And I shielded it with bandages
and ugly rugs that hid my pain
and my floor. My low points.

I am a curve ball without a
place to land,
and though I hate it,
it is starting to feel like
home.
May 2014 · 588
An Old Trophy
A pretty little photo frame,
dusted every day.
The pretty little picture frame,
on the mantle you will stay.
A pretty little something,
to brighten up my day.
Oh, but, only when I say.

That pretty little frame,
but the photo seems so faded.
It's black and grey and worn,
but don't bother to repair it,
don't dare be that warm.

Ignore that little photograph,
it's not as pretty as it once was.
Wait til need replaces it,
this has never been its home.

That pretty little photo frame,
is broken by the guidance.
That pretty little picture frame,
has fallen and grown dark.
That pretty little something,
is not pretty anymore.
Because, alas, I have decided,
it is not my favorite anymore.
Mar 2014 · 1.3k
Today's Horoscope
I do not let my horoscope define me.
The stars have also been a reminder that
I am far smaller than I sometimes feel,
but they have not written my life for me.

I disregard the nature of the Taurus
and the instinct of the Leo,
and I decide to write myself instead.

I do not allow my bruised legs and
black lipstick to show me for a deviant,
but I also forbid my floral braids and
ruffled skirts to show me as naiive.

I put aside my daisy crowns,
and burn my tattered jeans,
because I am not a symbol
of the articles I wear
nor a victim of how they
draw me up.

I hardly let my fair skin and my
green eyes tell anyone anything
about me that might make them cry,
instead I tell my pout and my feet ro
tell them that I am stand-offish and
do not crave the questions.

I do not let my lashes draw the boys
or my shape attract the men.
I paint myself in tainted colors
and wait for hell to make its mark on me.

I am discovering that,
I hide too much of myself to be a person,
and am fading into an idea instead.
hmm..
Jan 2014 · 643
A Garden Keeper
I had spent years in circles,
chasing things that do not exist.
I had dug through the dirt, finding nothing,
and had spent long hours in the rain.

I had dug several pin holes for growing,
but my seeds never did sprout.
I would cross all my fingers, then hold my breath,
but still I spotted no stems.

I had wept when the waiting grew longer.
Alone in the dark, was my least favorite place
and my flowers did not keep me company.

I had spent years holding onto nothing.
False fed hope was the source of my life.
The hope that I might see my flowers,
not the dirt, nor the weeds, nor the strife.

One day the rain had stopped falling,
so I tore all the thorns from my knees.
I hoped that maybe the silence,
might bring some life to my seeds.

By the time I had realized that
years had gone by,
I was lost in my garden and thoughts.

For years I had given all of myself
to those who did not give back.
They took all I had to give and
still did not love me back.

Plagued with the thought
I was taken for granted,
I lifted myself to my feet.
I could not stand the sight of something so lovely,
who did not see the same in me.

Just as I had decided,
I was leaving it all behind.
Something so soft and tender,
caught the corner of my eye.

In the back of my garden stood brightly,
a beautiful Daisy so tall.
A beautiful little flower,
who had seemed the loveliest of all.
Jan 2014 · 546
Misconception
It took more than a list of reasons,
and an empty bottle of wine to convince me.
I am worth what I have to offer,
and what I have to offer is slim.

I have designated the role of Savior,
to myself, the one who has always fallen.
Especially when mirrors are shattering,
and pencils are breaking,
all because I cannot handle my emotions.

I am weaker than I imagine and
I am stronger than I tell my friends.
I have lost the ability to portray myself
as a fighter should.

My list of reasons is running long,
as to how pathetic and self-loathing
I have come to be.
Oct 2013 · 548
October 20th
I find myself in mirrors

but I crack each one I see.

I cannot stand the sight of me

especially when I am breaking at

my seams.

Do not mistake my vulnerability for

my weakness, or my valleys

because I swear that it is not.

I am just as fragile as I was yesterday.

And I suppose like fallen soldiers,

with every if and or but.

But i cannot dig myself out of my coffin

because they have already poured the dirt

and I am stuck.

But you trapped me like a victim.

I reached for you  with my hands.

but you shuddered and ignored me

and left me in my place

where I could not escape from,

and could not keep my face.
Oct 2013 · 606
Tears in the Fabric
Tearing at the seams,
of the string that keeps me wound.
Ripping at the stitches of the
patches I've created;
I am far too broken now to
become whole again.

It left me in a sudden,
and I should have started running,
but I settled in this place to call
my home.

But now I've lost my something,
and I wish that I was running,
but Im glued and sewn into my
solitude.

If I were alone, I'd be better,
but I'm torn and I'm sewn into
a sort of, community sweater,
where I cannot detach myself again.

Dreams fell as they were dying;
I swear I should have been crying,
but I was filled with a sadness
that I cannot re-create.

So, tearing at the seams,
that I though might keep me collected,
but I've realized lately that,
I'm never long connected.
Oct 2013 · 934
Saying Goodbye
My fingertips were paper cuts,
when I told you I didn't love you;
you snatched your hand away.

My voice cracked like broken glass,
when I told you I was sorry;
you turned your head away.

The windshield of your car was cracked,
and inside we were shattered.
You said I'd never see you cry;
you lied.

My hands were shaking cold
when you took off the watch i gave you.
You said you didn't want it,
and then I checked the time.

It was 9:53 on a Tuesday.
It was supposed to snow,
but it didn't.

I couldn't change the atmosphere,
or lighten your heavy heart,
despite how much I wished I could.

You turned the engine off,
and I knew that it was over.
My heart was in my stomach,
and it was all my fault.

I took off the necklace,
you gave me for my birthday.
You didn't want it back;
I left it in the cupholder.

I didn't want to leave you,
but I knew I had to.
My words were sharp like razors,
and I couldn't take them back.

I'm sorry.
For tearing at your heart.
I hurt myself too,
I don't deserve your love.

You shook your head in silence,
before you left your car.
I wished I could curl up,
in the passenger seat and wait.

Wait until the morning,
when you drank your coffee,
and pressed your shirt,
and went to your car to leave for work.

I was tired, and you tapped the window.
I wasn't surprised but I hoped it wouldn't happen.

I took my things and left your car,
the warm passenger seat.
It wasn't mine anymore,
it never really was.

I said goodbye;
you pretended not to hear.
You waved, even though
I wanted a hug.

We said goodbye,
and I knew it was over.
I said goodbye to your arms,
your voice over the phone.
I lost your favorite movies,
and the way you did your hair.

The color of your eyes would
become just a memory,
and the curves of your lips,
would fade just like my perfume.

If I said I wouldn't miss you,
that would be a lie.
I missed you almost instantly,
as soon as I said goodbye.

I swallowed my pride,
and pushed aside my regret.
I needed to walk myself home.

I looked back to your house,
but you weren't on the porch.
I remembered sitting there,
just talking on the steps.
It'd be passed 1am,
but we wouldn't notice that.

You'd say goodbye,
then let me leave,
but you'd always call my name.

I know it'll never be the same.

Every step I took,
I felt you fade away.
I couldn't do anything,
to make you stay.
It was all my fault.

I'm sorry.
I didn't want to say goodbye.
Aug 2013 · 876
Sleepy Hollow
I lost the reigns I thought I had,
and lost my thoughts in memories.
I've been thinking in past tense,
and I don't think I'm walking forward.

I don't embrace the change with acceptance,
and I don't welcome it with uncertainty.
The ivy on my fingertips is a sure fire sign that
I am wilting by the hour.

I think leeches might have eaten,
what I thought was my heart,
and the mayflies might have collected,
what I thought was my mind.

As I lay and desinigrate,
I become meshed into the wood around me.
I lost the reigns I had, like,
I am not meant for the reality I claimed.

The soft chill of the air at night,
and the spiders on my spine: my fright.
The air seems brisk yet it doesn't touch me,
but I can tell from the way it floats above me.

The reigns, they still left me,
alone in the dark.
Because I couldn't find them,
I couldn't re-spark.

So I am lost like a legend,
a small useless clock.
I am without reason,
my will has been stopped.
Aug 2013 · 548
Even in the Silence
Cradled in the darkness,
but a name without a face.
Something soft, and silver,
with no need to be replaced.

I felt it, like a warmness,
or a chilling of the spine.
That something soft and silver,
might settle in, and be mine.

Then eyes just like a jungle,
that I couldnt find myself in,
buried my heart like a capsule,
a pretty, ultimate, sin.

A perfect small exchange,
between the most glistening of eyes,
or the small twitches of a smiling smirk,
that glitches out the lies.

Translated like a message,
no need to say nor write.
A feeling of belonging,
a feeling that it might.

I felt it in a sudden, and,
in smaller bursts since then.
Of love that seemed irreplaceable,
that I couldn't even sense.

So I caught it like a petal,
or saw it like a star.
This perfect little feeling,
i always feel where
you are.
Aug 2013 · 817
August 18th
Nobody understands;
no one really gets it.
"Oh, but,
I really understand."
A little scripted line, they say,
to keep all the sympathy away.

No one comprehends it;
you don't understand the smothered feeling.

I loathe what my fingers touch,
I hold my heart in contempt.
I realize these things spread like vines,
from my finger tips, to my arms,
and sinks in my eyes.

Its only slowly consuming,
the color I hold to my skin.
A little pretty poison that
taints my whole, from within.

I've seen an empty river,
and I've seen a draining sea.
I could doodle each little feeling,
to help you understand,
but such liars don't get it,
they push my deeper in the sand.

"Oh, just forget it.
Don't be like that."
Such people don't understand.
That's whats mad.
That people can lie,
and fool you like thieves.
But I could never lie, like that,
I am not like you.

Please, don't try to get me.
Don't try to understand.
Aug 2013 · 614
Check marks on the Calender
I am not what I wanted to be.
I am not water, or wind, or free.
I cannot even pretend that I am,
because I am far too distanced from myself.

I did not become who I want to be.
I leave sticky notes upon every square inch
of my home to remind me of things that
probably aren't very important.

I am not free, or floating,
or empty of worries or darkness.
Perhaps I've lost each sense of direction,
and suddenly sold myself to a manual.

Suddenly, your favorite color isn't very
lovely anymore, and the clock you carry
in your pocket isn't correct anymore.

Because you first ignored your woes,
because 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away.'
But soon enough those woes consume you,
and you cannot ease them away anymore.

Your favorite place becomes infested,
and soon the air is too impure
because of some fallacy you created
that told you that it was.

Soon you cannot check the time anymore
because no matter which way the hands point,
that is not the time operating inside you, and,
the past, and the future eat you alive so much
that you cannot focus on the present.

The past weighs heavy on your shoulders,
and pushes you lower and lower, but,
the future inflates in your stomach and,
puffs you bigger and bigger.

Somehow I might pop like a stuffed up balloon
because even rubber or plastic cannot resist
such pressure.
Aug 2013 · 658
My Storm
I've begun to fear the water,
and the ground I've learned to stand on.
The shapeless forms that I can't hold,
are beginning to pull me down.

I could sink, nonetheless,
or trip on my way.
The clouds have rolled in,
and I fear they might stay.

My boat has lost it's dock,
and my feet have lost their place.
My mind has lost it's reason, and,
my enemy has no face.

The lightning even scares my shadow
back into it's hiding place, while the thunder
makes me shield my eyes.

I'm not much for storms;
I'm not much for anything.
I've found that every day
I quake, and my legs buckle
beneath me.

I'm afraid I can't take it,
and I'm up against a wall.
I don't want it to consume me;
I don't want to fall.

Because,
I can't walk on water,
or find a place for my feet.
I can barely face the day,
without falling on my face.

A hand to hold won't guide me,
and a comfort won't calm me.
Sleep just makes me more drowsy,
and being awake only intensifies
my fear.
I lost myself in the stories in the newspapers,
and the coffee he poured me because he thought
I needed something,
but I did not order a thing.

I lost myself in the fuschia flower in her hair,
over her left ear, but,
my left ear didnt have a flower, and,
come to think of it, it probably never would.

I drank my coffee, black, because I didn't know any better,
and watched the lovers fight over buttered crossiants and
cinammon lattes with whipped cream and chocolate syrup.

My knuckles felt like typewriters, but,
for once in my life I wasn't writing.
I was hardly thinking,
I was hardly speaking even.

I lost myself in the low music and guitar
coming from inside the cafe
because, unlike me, it was beautiful
and soft, and lovely.

He poured me more coffee even though
I didnt want it, and,
gave me a crossiant, "on the house."

Who would think to give,
an observer something lovely?
But I had accepted it because
mother always said
"be kind."

I lost myself in silver eyes,
or, were they golden?
I hardly remember but I lost
myself in them.
And I didn't know why.

I fell in love at a coffee shop
where, I counted change,
like quarters and dimes and
anything to give him something
worth keeping.

I fell in at a coffee shop because
life was beautiful and people didn't
know me here at all so,
they couldn't follow me home.
Jul 2013 · 2.0k
I wish I was Beautiful
I wish I was beautiful,
with  diamonds in my eyes,
and flowers in my hair.

I wish I was sweet,
like the scent of subtle lavender,
and cherries on my lips.

I wish I was delicate,
like watercolor stained glass,
and you, holding me like I might
flutter away any second.

I wish I was lovely,
with my heart on my sleeve,
and adoration on my face.

I wish I was graspable,
like something soft to get you by,
yet something hard enough
so you'd never say goodbye.

I wish I was beautiful,
with light pink fingertips,
and a smile on my face.

I wish I could identify,
with all the words you call me.
But I am not as pretty or,
as fragile, or as lovely,
as you say I can be.
Jul 2013 · 731
That is not the Way.
Her fingertips were bruised,
and her ribs were lined with dust.
Beneath the bones, all but crushed,
lays a heart, broken but blushed.

Her eyes were left with tears,
that not all happiness was real.
She would bend and snap,
if, it was all still black.

Her lips were laced with blood,
and her teeth were spilling lies.
He didn't care for how she was,
he left her own her own.

"It can be my fault."
was her favorite lie.
It was down on her hand,
it was under her eye.

It was like a hurricane,
steadily growing worse.
How could such a good girl
be burdened with a curse?

She's waiting for a statue.
That is not the way.
She's crying on the staircase.
That is not the way.

Her collar is warn and breaking,
her elbow holds a crack.
She pretends not to notice,
that she's drowned in blue
and black.

She pretends she isn't falling.
That is not the way.
She's telling her friends she's okay.
That is not the way.

She wipes off her mascara
and the lines all down her cheeks.
This is not the way.

II.

She cleaned up the coffee table
and the rips in the brand new couch.
She watered the flowers he bought her,
but made sure nobody knew.

"That is not the way."
he said,
but she only shook her head.

She always said she didn't notice,
the darkness on her back.
She was sick of hearing,
what might be the way.

Her friends said she seemed
different,
because she didn't call them
on Saturday night anymore.
Why?

"Listen, this isn't the way."
he said it again like
suddenly she might hear him.

"It's all okay."
"You don't understand."
"This is the way."

He didn't take it and
instead he packed her bags.
He said he couldn't take it,
he wouldn't let her sink.

He stole her like a story,
and told her someplace else.
He didn't let any darkness,
capture her with madness.

He swore that she was fragile;
she said that she was strong.
Never for once in her life,
did she ever might think she was
wrong.

III.

Somewhere in the papers,
was a name with a dark face.
When she saw the headline,
she tossed it off the stairs.

Her friends has lost their contact,
and her mother had worried her head.
She ignored all of the letters,
and bathed in the light instead.

She looked at him like dreaming,
and saw the light again.
She always overlooked it,
but it was always him.

He served her with a smile,
and held her pink finger tips.
She told  him she was sorry,
and that she should have trusted him.
But he told her to never
say that again.
Jul 2013 · 939
Hey, Love of Mine
I want to watch Sci Fi movies
in the dark, and eat raspberries
off my fingertips,
and drown myself in red velvet cake.

I want to listen to that song you played me
last week because you said it
reminded you of me,
and that I was so very special.

I want to make your famous
'everything-but-the-kitchen-sink' sundaes,
at 3 in the morning,
and watch horrible 80s horror movies.

I want to write down every reason
why I think you're so lovely,
and hide them in your house,
so when you find them,
you think of me,
and you're okay.

I want to watch you play guitar,
and make paper airplanes out of
sheet music,
because you are far too restless
to stay put all day.

I want to hold your hand,
and leave lipstick on your cheek,
and laugh at that silly joke
you told (again).

I want to draw you pictures,
and drink coffee in the dark;
eat ice cream in the Winter time,
and read the ending, before,
the start.

I want to send you roses,
and find one way to define love.
I don't know if I know it,
but I know one thing for sure,
that if and when I do,
I might only find it, with
you.
Jul 2013 · 1.0k
Left or Right
I cannot make decisions on my own.
I feed myself the comments of the people
who surround me, and make their thoughts
my own.

Life seems like a boardgame,
with way too many choices.
But I cannot make these choices,
for myself.

The color of my hair,
and the way my laces are tied,
do not reflect the way I may
want things to be.

I cannot choose
anything.
For myself, that is.

I let people mold me,
and form me,
and push their feelings on me.

I feel bad.
When people don't agree with me
I feel like I let them down.
I hate to disappoint
anyone,
but
I always disappoint myself.
Jul 2013 · 1.1k
Ode to an Old Friend
I think you've covered up your sadness with
fancy perfume and that red lipstick you bought
in the 7th grade.

I think you erase each aspect of your personality
with cover-up and golden bangles,
and something else you read on the cover of
Cosmopolitan while you were waiting in line
at the grocery store.

I know you exiled every person who meant the
world to you because they began to know too much,
like how many times you brush your teeth a day
and what you pray for before you go to sleep.

You think I don't notice the way you look away
when you're surrounded by all your friends
and they're talking and laughing,
and you're "happy."

I think you smeared your red lipstick on
purpose because you knew I'd feel
too bad to leave you on your own
and I'd try to save you again.

Instead I wrote you a letter,
about why I think you're different,
and I taped it to your front door
and wrote your name on the front so only you would read.

So put on your red lipstick,
and gloss up your eyes again
because I am afraid you might be breaking,
and at least at one time those
very things held you
together.
Jul 2013 · 487
Eternal Something
Flowers should be growing,
not wilting at the touch.

They should be flourishing,
and blooming. With new colors every moment,
and a sway in their stem towards the Sun
that will help them only become
more beautiful.

Flowers should be cared for and watered,
not repaired, or mended,
or plucked from their homes to be
fixed someplace else.

I find beauty in prosper,
and in flowers.
In the new-ness that should come our way.
We should be blooming and growing
like flowers,
not falling, or wilting,
in grey.
Jul 2013 · 762
A Paper Doll
I didn't even notice
the tears in my arms and legs,
because there wasn't one through my chest,
or through my paper heart.

The little slashes were endless,
but I ignored them all I could.
Tears in fabrics and laces are
easy to repair,
and I'll patch myself up quickly.

I changed my wear like paper clips,
and pulled all the tape from my hair.
I promised I'd keep it safe, still,
I tried to pretend I didn't care.

Crimple me,
and tear me.
Stash me in a frame.
Make me pleasing to appear,
and very nice to see.

Paint me like a china doll;
pour me in a vase.
I can be just as lovely as,
you'd dress me up to be.

But in the wind I falter,
and the water washes me away.
I may be 'nice' to look at,
but it'll never stay.
Jul 2013 · 515
Last Night's Dream
Stretched over your bones,
is silk-like skin, like porcelain.
And above your sculpted cheeks are
two eyes of a color, that,
I cannot describe.

Upon each bent fingertip
is a fragile piece of gold,
like everything you touch is
beautiful, solid, and sold.

Yesterday I opened up
the jar you trapped your voice in
and the notebook you left
your soul in.

But it felt as though I had lost you,
and I couldn't undo, what I did.
So I settled my loses, and,
tried to forget that you might exist.
Jul 2013 · 736
I Seem Impossible to Love.
Do not fear the bruises on my fingertips
I promise I will hold you gently, and,
cradle you in my arms.

Please don't worry for my temper,
I will control it all I can.
I do not want you to fear me;
I promise, I'm not that bad.

Don't fear my little problems,
I know I judge too much.
Don't let these little things
bother you, and make you go away.

Don't think about my insecurities,
or my fear to touch and to love,
don't worry about those things at all,
I'll try and push you above.

Don't be afraid of my madness,
I promise it only hurts me.
I will never let my sanities,
affect how you might be.

Please, don't fear the scratches on my wrists,
or the scars along my hips.
I wasn't built for stability,
but I'm finding that I, can be.

Don't worry about all these things,
don't fear what might just be,
Please just ignore all of my tendencies,
and just look to love me.
Jun 2013 · 727
My Music Box
I took my favorite song and
trapped it in a music box.
With painted lines, and straining
locks, I know it'll never go.

I left my favorite song in the
music box,
it was almost like I didn't hear it,
like it slowly began to hide itself.

I was afraid to open my music box,
the tune might just float away.
But if I kept my song in it's music box,
it might just stop playing anyway.

My favorite song was in my music box,
where I knew I kept it safe,
but my song was growing weaker
and it wouldn't play the same.

I was afraid to open the painted box,
and unleash my favorite melody.
I was afraid my little tune might
seek to float away from me.

I have a weakness I am aware of,
but I cannot fathom how to fix it.
I try to prize this like a trophy but
I end up locking my song away.

I finally opened my music box,
and broke the lock in half.
I was afraid my melody,
might flee away from me
but
I tried to assure the trust that
my song might always play
for me.
Jun 2013 · 744
His Song
He'd scratch words on metal,
if it held a lot of promises.
He'd hardly know the difference,
between the steel or the
change in his pockets.

There's rubber on the concrete,
along with several words.
The ones that mean the most to me,
are covered up with dirt.

I don't think he notices,
the worn out of his shoes,
or the way his faces moves when he laughs,
or the colors of the moon.

He paints colors on my arm,
while we're sitting in his car.
I wish I could do the same for him;
I'd hardly know where to start.

I could paint another portrait,
or draw another map.
It would probably prove useless,
but he wouldn't mention that.

He still has his daffodils.
I wear mine in my hair.
His are on his dashboard,
but no one sees them there.

I think he stirs daydreams,
into his coffee every morning.
And leaves a little  post-it note,
alone and by the stairs.
He doesn't think it matters,
he'll always leave them there.

He isn't much for paper,
just hum another tune.
Don't forget to hide the things,
that'll make the water blue.

Somehow lost in denim,
is a name, but not a face.
A beautiful disaster,
that cannot be replaced.

I lost all my adjectives,
I'll need to make my own.
To prove a little something,
how special you don't know you are.

He doesn't lace his sneakers,
but he might always have a map;
to set little guidelines, that,
he'll probably forget.

I always listen to his stories,
and to the way he speaks.
He doesn't understand why,
I do the things I do,
but that is nothing different,
and perhaps I always knew.

He handed me a picture frame,
while I painted him a Polaroid.
That didn't make sense at the time,
but now it'll clear up just fine.

I can't read the colored words,
I only see whats written dark.
He holds a breaking pen,
but hardly knows what lies inside.

Despite all the photographs,
or the hairline fractures in stain glass,
the colors resonate with me,
while the darkness flees my mind.

I'd hate to crack my pedestal,
or ruin a portrait painted pink,
the times I can't control,
might overwhelm and make me fall.

I'll leave stars and words on paper,
and tack them upon his door.
To almost prove to him,
that there's so much more.

He can't count constellations,
and he doesn't care for thorns.
He'll only deal with logic,
or the matters on his hands.

Stitched upon old denim,
is the story of us all.
He would hardly ever know it,
but his will never fall.
Jun 2013 · 471
A Hand to Hold
I sacrificed to the
constant back and forth,
to the anxiety, and the worries,
and the last barrier wall.

I shielded myself with
whatever I found I might have.
I let the darkness take its toll,
and gave up everything
I had wanted; I gave it all.

I was beaten by the ticking,
and the slowly beating pulse,
that drove me, with my madness,
to my final batting call.

When the worries set me motionless,
and I felt the boil in my veins,
like the beating in each of my wrists.
I was lost to the course of the ocean,
and the tears, and the pain,
but no wish.

Then, like a steady candle,
that I hadn't seen before.
Like a tiny shattering whisper,
that, I hadn't heard at all.

The light came in a second,
when I couldn't hear it's noise.
It came out of nowhere, like,
a shooting star, a meteor,
a call.

In time I'm finally seeing,
these things I can't handle on my own.
I was a martyr to the shaking,
I was afraid of the dark I had bought.
I was scared of what was out of control,
and I knew that it'd take it's toll.

I'm finding that, in the darkness,
when the tapping comes around,
like when the music comes to a holt,
and the sudden feeling beats me down.

And when the Sun decides to fall down,
and leave me out in the dark, in the cold,
I've realized that it isn't half as bad if
I have a hand to hold.
Jun 2013 · 686
Falling in love, I suppose.
I fell in love with
iced coffee in the winter time,
and with words said at the
wrong moment.

I fell in love with,
the way you said my name,
and the way you said goodbyes
were your least favorite,
and you hated every one.

I fell in love with,
poems written on cafe napkins,
and the drawings you left
with my things.

My favorites were never
****** knuckles, or,
leaving myself in a polaroid.

I never thought I'd buy in,
to iced coffee and
rain on Sunday mornings.
Or lose myself in rock n' roll,
and twist my wrist to hold your hand.

I fell in love with the aura
of my favorite amber eyes.
I fell for the crooked grin
of a faceless painting,
and the developing
of the negatives.

I fell in love with stormy weather,
and movies at 2am.
I fell in love with
the jokes we made, and,
the songs we'd sing.

But, if he asked me,
I wouldn't say a thing.
Jun 2013 · 1.3k
Losing you meant losing me.
I didn't lose myself in the second grade,
when I fell and scraped both my knees on the sidewalk.
I didn't lose myself when my parents forced me
to wear a pink dress on my birthday.

I didn't even lose myself when
my mother decided I wasn't good enough for her,
or when my friends had decided that I wasn't
as cool as they once thought I was.

I didn't forget who I was when I
hid behind makeup and cut all my hair,
or when my classmates all told me
I was ugly and weird.

I didn't pretend I was someone else
when I knew I didn't fit in.
I wouldn't dare to change myself when
people decided they wouldn't be my friend.

I didn't lose myself when
I found out things are harder than I thought,
and I'm not as good as they said I was.

I didn't lose myself
until I lost you.
Jun 2013 · 982
These Things You Need
You deserve someone who is going to
bring you your favorite dessert at 2am
because they think you'd like some.

You deserve someone who wants to
go to your favorite places, and eat your
favorite foods, even if they might be their
least favorite things to do, or eat.

You deserve someone who wants to
look into your eyes and try to guess
what you're thinking of while you
sit on the swings in the park and
sway to the tune of your favorite
Guns N' Roses song.

You deserve someone who is so
afraid of breaking you, that they
treat you even more carefully
than they treat themselves.

You deserve to wake up in the morning
next to someone curled up under your arm,
and she will smile and kiss your shoulder
and tell you that your favorite T-shirt is
even more comfortable than she thought.

You deserve to feel secure, and loved.
To feel that, no matter where you are,
you know someone is wishing she was
holding your hand.

You deserve to close your eyes and
lose yourself in the scent of her perfume,
even if she's miles away and left it on your
pillow the night before.

You deserve to be held, and to be loved,
and to feel wanted, every morning,
and every hour.

To feel as warm as the tea she'll
make you when you're sick,
and as calm as the song
she'll sing when you've had enough.

You deserve a lot of things,
like warmth, and love,
and happiness.
And I only wish I could be the one
to make these things come true.
Jun 2013 · 694
These lies I wrote myself
I specialize in lies;
I have special lies.
I am an expert in falsities,
oh, isn't that the most lovely?

I can easily take words from
very empty minds,
but cannot put a word into
a mind as active as mine.

Stealing lines from empty air
is my favorite little talent.
I can form a pretty song,
when there's seemingly nothing there.

I can sew cloth on cloth to
create a bed of thoughts.
And petals on each flower
represents the colors in your eyes.

Yes, I am a professional liar,
but I supposed that I was a writer.

It might seem outlandish,
or perhaps, kinda sad-ish,
but I can lie with words
and make you feel the feelings,
of whatever I may create.
Jun 2013 · 427
No more.
I'm not a painting,
you can't frame me.
I'm not a statue,
you cant leave me be.

Don't string me like a row of lights,
I'm not made for that.
Don't leave me like a half read book,
only reading me when you want me.

I'm not a bec and call,
and if you thought I'd be like that,
you never really knew me at all.

I shut the lights and locked the doors,
don't bother knocking, I'm not home.
And even if I am, I won't be naiive
enough to open up the door again.

I'm scared, and I'm fragile,
so I'll probably never get better.
I hope it resonates in you;
that you've ruined me forever.

I've built the walls that held me,
and helped me fall apart.
And even when I try and knock them down,
I'm only breaking my own heart.

It's something I'll have to live with.
It's like a rock in my shoe.
I can't shake it off,
and it'll always be there.
Jun 2013 · 629
The Winter House
Grey eyes lined with silver,
set on a frame of black.
With newspaper folded up tight,
I heard it's laced with crack - *******.

His fingertips are melted,
and her nails are peeling off.
He stuffed his cigarettes in his pocket,
but she took them when he wasn't looking.

I thought the beaty music was a falsity,
but she didn't lie when she told me.
I didn't want to be there,
just a face in their foggy window.

With lines of trying times on tables,
with the ash trays over flowing.
There was nothing left but lies and fables,
like when mom would sing me lullabies.

They don't remember that,
or stickers, or coloring, or-
just the slow patter on asphalt,
as they run from the lights and the sound.

But the tables are turning with concrete,
and their eyes are rolling back dark.
A star light of noise and asphyxiation,
will be such a salt, such a nice destination.
Jun 2013 · 1.0k
Cardiac Arrest
He was the shadow of a lonely man,
struck by fire, and sparks, and the shock
of a long lost ghost, of,
the girl he had loved.

He lost his touch as he had fallen,
and had swore he was tall with
the faults of his own, but,
he lost like a petal
left on it's own,
in the fall of his winter;
he never did bloom.

He left his beloved in
the scent of his clothes,
when she faded with dismay,
and he forged her signature
like the deed to his soul.

He built her a home,
a set of bones, like a chamber,
in his only chamber.

Beneath his metal chest,
of a soldier who had lost,
and his love in his heart,
caged in like a menegerie.

There, she was safe,
and she was kept tight.
A little memento,
that she couldn't fight.

A lock and a key to keep
her in place.
She was locked in his heart,
and she couldn't escape.

But, alas, she grew restless,
and knew she must go.
But he kept her in place,
in his chamber, her home.
Jun 2013 · 383
[Your Name Here]
Let me take your name,
and stamp it on my hand.
Let me take your story,
and thread it in my sweater.

Let me freeze your photograph,
the colors of your eyes.
Let me hold your scars and palms,
and compare the lines to mine.

I'd like to steal you quickly,
and place you in my book.
Let your heart come to your sleeve,
and only let me look.

I know you love honesty,
you rub it in your hands.
You carry all your stories,
in the pocket of your jeans.

I'd love to listen to them,
watch them paint your lips,
that will never tire me,
it will keep me hooked.

Please, just let me trace you,
even if it's quick,
I'd love to capture such a pretty thing,
before it leaves my finger tips.
Jun 2013 · 1.2k
A Gypsy
There are daises laced
in the holes in all my jeans.
And there are weeds between
my finger tips,
like I forgot them there again.

My hair is messy like always,
and I am painting with colors
on my skin.

I wonder how, like always,
how he can find ease in such a mess.
How could he find something so stable
in the emotions of a gypsy girl?

I tied a string 'round my wrist,
it was red and small, and had no charms.
I did this to remember the way,
he told me I was everything,
even when I was nothing.

He seemed strong, like safety,
but we all knew the weaknesses.
He was brave, it was in his eyes,
and he held my hand, and he called
my lies.

He filled me with a feeling,
a calling, or a comfort.
He made a girl who left a lot,
feel like she was at home.
Jun 2013 · 762
Logic
There was once a girl
who thought words were
only ideas,
and that music was
only noise.

She spent long hours
thinking,
and trying to draw
hearts for the boys
she passed on the train.

They only stared at her
with empty eyes
and scars on their lips
from the cigarettes
and told her the drawings
were silly.

She rubbed salt on her cheecks
and threw away the
drawings.
She thought they were inadequette,
like she wasn't
good
enough.

She painted checkers
on her fingernails,
and threw away her pencils.
She didn't take the train anymore,
and she made herself
happy.
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