The shiny metal feels
cool
on my skin.
Smooth, silky, baby skin
turns red and cold.
My mind races:
"This is what's right."
"This is what you need."
"You deserve this."
I've become skilled at convincing myself
that I'm a bad person
by forcing myself
to be even worse.

i’ve spent the last
six months of my life
dying to die
with no results.
and in that time i’ve
been walking
on a sidewalk that
is crooked and cracked
into some godforsaken
place. through my journeys
i’ve come to rely
on two certainties:
that i will go to bed
unsatisfied and hungry.

and every night is
a rainy one and cats eat
the fur and bones of dogs dead
in the flooded gutters. the grey
monoliths of the city
are always a step away, but
i don’t get any closer.

and if i could give back
all the cigarette ash and whiskey
i’ve drank i’d do it because
i’d be losing blank meaningless
memories, or at least
they mean nothing to me. i can’t
say the same about
those people in the memories.

and i passed the corner
where i sat drunk on the brick
with my friend, smoking
a cigarette and i remember
telling him that it was
going to be alright. i don’t
know if i was lying or if
i didn’t know the truth
but he left.

and i walked by the home
of my first love and the windows
were dark and the cars were
gone from the driveway.

and i found myself in front
of the house of the girl
i loved who didn’t love me
and the air was black, save
for the glare of a lighter through
the rain and i remembered
a dream i had.

Gazing through the liminal windows  
Only to find what I already hold so dearly
Fronting smiles for a quick benefit
As my stone-set complexion wanes wearily  
And, my Humanity animates this miserable repose
Into a shameless portrayal of diminished whit
  
And, all of these unsent letters forming disappointment
Remind me that this sickly apathy could have been avoided
I saw the torment approaching from behind every grin-
Connecting my reality to this life I've been appointed
A continuation of actuality so meek and despondent
Vaguely showcasing the sensations of the sublimity within
  
How can the objective see all this self absorption?
When we're looking through a constant one way mirage
A reflective outlook from one of the searching minds
Fixated on all the shells of this social entourage
Pondering the inner entanglement of their sad misfortunes
leaving nothing but questions with no answers to find
  
Impossible as it seems to depict the substance of perception
These literal creations we compose must amount to something
Or at least comfort us with a contorted definition of self
Without this written word - would I be left with nothing?
Can I bare to see myself forgotten as a faint misconception?
Should I clot the thread of memory with a part of myself?

Hello Mr.Law nice to meet you
I can only assume what you plan to do
Fill your palace with another criminal
An outweighed sentence and your sympathy minimal

Haha! But look at this I've got money this time!
The representation of wealth and greed is sublime
Prestige on my side and there goes your jurisdiction
So, You grant me diversion to heal my minds affliction?

Fancy be and fancy sells - I'm content with this fine
To be told what I've learned through all the signs
A psychiatric assessment to tell me i'm me
Mental illness is just humanity can't you see?

Thanks for the counselling I've learned oh so much
A man is what he is and you have told me as such
Individuality is a sickness and needs to be medicated
The soul who lacks conformity needs to be domesticated

There once was a girl who would cry,
And every night she'd go home
And wish she would die
One day came home form school
And took out her tool
To find out cutting is the most ultimate high

Alyssa! Oh, Alyssa
How your name rolls
Off the tongues and
Into the hearts of men.

Raven-haired beauty
Beyond compare, beyond reproach
How I long for your sweet embrace

My love for you is like a
Waterfall
It overcomes all obstacles

My love for you is like an
Earthquake
Overpowering, strong and easy to see
But even easier to feel

My love for you is like a
Mountain
Towering over all else in life

How I adore your
Slow pace at which
You traverse the land
It causes my heart
To cry out in joy
That I may be close
To you for so long

How glad I am
That you are my friend
Supportive, kind, beautiful
Who knows how I would be
If not for you?

The seraphims and cherubims
Ache at my love
They weep at how I care
For you, your smile gorgeous beyond compare

Ineffable! Ineffable I say!
Such a nymph cannot
Truly exist!
The beauty of God's earth
Is all thanks to you

Alyssa! Oh, Alyssa
How your name rolls
Off the tongue and
Into this heart of mine.