everything is a constant battle
i'm fighting as hard as i can
but i'm fighting the wrong people
why am i fighting my own squad
i am a warrior
but i'm wounding myself
my muscles are sore
every inch of my body screaming
pain
just give up
everything is screaming at me
telling me to stop fighting
let them win
but i don't like giving up
i'm a fighter
is winning worth it
what's the real victory?
what do i get if i win?

I hope you know
that I'm not
trapped
I have
options
There are many different paths
that I can take
and I don't have to take them
with you
I'm moving on
with
or without
you.

out of my comfort zone
is where I belong.

Life seems to consume very part of me
All of the creativity that used to pour out of me like lava
is now dormant
Always there just beneath the surface
Just waiting to burst out
In a volcanic eruption
Or maybe it’s just that I don’t make time
I let time slip away
I’m hungry for the urge to create again
Where is my muse
How do I wake the burst waiting to come out of me
When I am dragged down
By the monotony of
Every day life.

My words now
Seem only
Adequate
But I cannot seem to adequately
Put into words
What I want to say.

Sometimes I become so consumed with life
that I forget to embrace my release
I keep consuming more and more
but forgetting that there needs to be a balance
intake
release
one should not simply be a consumer of the world
but also a producer
in a culture of consumerism
i have forgotten how to
be my own producer
my own director
and most importantly
my own writer.

It was only a matter of time
before you forgot about me again
have I ever meant anything to you?
or am I just a disposable friend?
and try as I might
I'm not good at playing pretend
how much time will it take
for this broken heart to mend?
i gave you my all
in everything i wrote
and all the rest of my words
are now caught in my throat
your silence is chilling
will you lend me your coat?
for now i make my own warmth
i won't try and share yours
forgive me for trying
to break through closed doors
the look in your eyes
took me further than the shores
i know you're an ocean
there's more to you than i see
my boat capsized
you threw me out to the sea
and somehow i think i knew
we could never be.

people always say that you are
what you eat
i lost my appetite
a while back
does that mean that
i'm nothing?
or maybe "you are what you eat" means
you are
what you experience
you are the people
you choose to surround yourself with
and the people who
surround themselves with you
you are your favorite song
your favorite book
your favorite poem
you are musical metaphors
the shows that fascinate you
and the characters that steal your heart
people like to say that
nobody is unique
but everyone eats differently
so how could that be?
my question still remains
if i have lost my appetite
for life
then what am i?
if i take in
only what i can choke down
only what others force down my throat
then what am i?
if you are what you eat
then i am withering
away
to
nothing.

When you get lonely
just remember all the time we spent together
doing nothing
laying side by side and listening to
all the records
of music you just knew i'd fall in love with
but you didn't know that
it was the music i'd fall in love with you to
our life was like a musical
you were my summer lovin
only i couldn't call you mine,
only the fond memories of time spent with you
you were mine in those moments
chubby chipmunk cheeks , a pint full of ice cream and each other's company to make it all better,
riding bikes through a dusty trail
that i've traveled through
time after time
never was it more beautiful
than when i was there with you
we were looking for signs of life in the pond
while i was looking for signs of love in your eyes
the loud music of the concert
we went to that night rattled my bones
but you , you rattled my heart
a night that i should have made you sleep
by my side because there's nothing that
i'd like more than to just lie next to you
when i woke up,
you made me french toast
if that's not sweet enough
maybe i should have put more syrup on it
or more honey in my tea
you let me drink the last bit of your favorite tea
You're my favorite cup of tea
when i was full you took me
to a place you knew i'd love
you didn't know i'd love you more
for taking me there
bookstores are always filled with  a certain kind of magic
somehow wandering the warehouse
with you by my side was even more static
you bought me the books i fancied
one of them with the title "14,000 Things to be happy about."
i renamed it "14,001 Things to be happy about."
  the book was missing one important thing,
your name.

and you make time
for the things that you want to do
you make time for the people
you care about
even on your busiest of days
if you cared
you would make time
but my time with you
has run out
there is no longer
any time for me
in your day

but I'll be okay.

Undeserving
Is how I would describe
Your love for me
And not because I don’t deserve to be loved
And not because I don’t deserve to be loved by you
But because
You love me even in the moments
Where I don’t show appreciation
When I’m rude
Or tired
Or snappy
Or selfish
I’m not always apologetic
I’m blunt
And I don’t always know how to show you
That I truly
Am so
In love with you
You brighten up my life
Bring a smile to my face so easily
I share so much with you
So much of the good
And probably too much of the bad
You are goofy
And fiercely loving
You warm my heart
Like no one else has ever
Done before
Never do I feel safer
Or more loved
Or happier
Than when I’m by your side
So I am sorry for not
Always being the easiest person to love
And thank you for loving me
Anyways.

don't get too attached to me
i'll distance
myself


from




you

                        up
my guard is          

my strongest soldiers are just watching
waiting to tear
y  o   u
                                              a  p  a  r  t

so­ don't get to attached to me
because i won't ever feel the same
there is a barrier intact now
that barrier that only seems to crumble
when |he| is around
he will always be a mystery to me
and maybe
that's what gets me
he's the book i want to read
but he's unattainable
i've read merely a few chapters and i'm hooked
but the library wanted him back
i could no longer read him
late
my book overdue
and i knew that date would come
they never marked it in ink
but it was etched in my bones
i could only renew
for so long
and then eventually his pages were no longer mine
my borrowed time with him was over
a late fee lingers over my heart
but every now and then
i borrow him again
i steal glances
but lately, i can't seem to read but page at a time
i've left plenty of books half-read
and had no problem with it
but he is encrypted in my binding
his name written on the pages of my heart
and i can't seem to put him down
i too, am a book
and i realize that we are separated by genre
he's in science fiction
and i'm  historical fiction
once, i read a book that combined the two,
it was beautiful
and maybe i was hoping
we too(two)
could be
beautiful.

i am finally getting used to
the absence
of
you

Your name hurts
six letters have the power
to make my heart ache
and I have tried everything
to make the pain stop
repetition
repetition
repetition
but it doesn't work
and usually the more you repeat things
the less they mean
but with your name it doesn't work
sometimes I get used to the pain
it is just a lull that I learned to ignore
but then someone speaks your name
and it resonates through my veins
and sinks into my bones
your name is carved into my brain
and when i hear it what follows is
usually pain
pain that follows the fond memories
and the knowledge that you're not there
you consumed me and left me with no air
and so here i am trying to breathe
then you come back and air fills my lungs
breathing becomes easier when you're around.

you're so cool
because you got high
IN SCHOOL
your friends think you're fun
because you do stupid stuff
but really you're DUMB
who get's high during school?
an idiot, a dunce, a fool
why would you take that chance
admin is going to make you dance.