i need to sleep
yet i sit here at my laptop
trying to find the words
to accurately describe how i'm feeling
but i'm coming up short
it's a mix
of exhausted
and annoyed
and joyful
what a weird combination
would we be a weird combination?
or would we work well together
is there a future?
or is this just a far fetched fantasy
composed of infatuation and the feeling of
not wanting to end up alone
i just want to know how i actually feel about you
with so many miles between us
it's hard to say
but sometimes it's easier to say things
at a distance
courage from behind a screen
but you have recently come up missing
and i don't know how to take it
don't know if you're wasting my time
if talking to you was a mistake
i just don't want my heart to break
but if i don't put myself out on the line
how will i know if i'm a good catch or not?
don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve
don't want to be easy to read
just want to know where to go
from here
want to close the gap between the states that separate us
and the gap between your lips and mine
but again i wonder
is this even worth a try?
are you messing with my heart
or are you being true
i wish i was sure
but i'm uncertain
about you.

i was fine
with sleeping alone
until i realized i could
be sleeping with you
by my side

today my name
is just another reminder
that my father never cared
Alysia spelled a l y s i  a
or in some cases ayslia
the name my father gave me yet
he cannot seem to get it right
but when you're on ****
it's hard to get anything right
my name is shrouded in dark shadows
it tastes bitter in my mouth
just another reminder of
my father's failure
it sounds like the car that crashed into my heart  the day I recognized my father's absence
my name is Alysia spelled alysia
or aylisa depending on his state of mind

Too often are we obsessed
with nesting,
making homes
out of other people
rather than ourselves
we make ourselves cozy
within the confines of the walls
they had to let down in order to welcome us in
we lace ourselves in between their fingers ,
hoping that we might also find ourselves
imbedded in their heart
we embrace the richness of their voice
as if it were a lullaby drowning out
the voice in our own heads
a person was never meant
to be made into a home
just trying to find their own way
in their uneasy bones
people are
fickle homes
with restless minds
and tired bones
i am learning to make a home
within myself
to clean the dust off of the blinds
that shield my eyes
and see the world a little clearer
it is time to clean out the attic of my mind
to paint my skin a different color
because I have always wanted my home
to be as colorful as i feel
i will explore the depths
of my own temple
and build in myself
a strong foundation
because the foolish man built
his house on the sand,
the foolish man also
made a home, out of a man.

when it comes to showing you
how much you mean to me
i am hardly transcendent
but i can promise you
that it's oodles more than you think
i don't always show
gratitude
for the things you do for me
but i always appreciate them
a lot of people use the cliche
"I couldn't imagine my life without you"
but don't mean it the way i do
because really
i can't imagine my life without you
fifteen years of friendship
from kindergarten till college
i can't imagine getting so easily annoyed at anyone else
over something stupid and small
but never going too long
without making peace
i can't imagine going through life
with anybody other than you
nobody else is as synchronized with me
yet also the total opposite of me
nobody else shares life's many frustrations
and joys
as much as i have with you
Proverbs 18:24 says
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
so thank you
for being that friend
for keeping me together
so i don't come to ruin
for becoming part of my family
and welcoming me into yours
i can't imagine my life without you.

people always say that you are
what you eat
i lost my appetite
a while back
does that mean that
i'm nothing?
or maybe "you are what you eat" means
you are
what you experience
you are the people
you choose to surround yourself with
and the people who
surround themselves with you
you are your favorite song
your favorite book
your favorite poem
you are musical metaphors
the shows that fascinate you
and the characters that steal your heart
people like to say that
nobody is unique
but everyone eats differently
so how could that be?
my question still remains
if i have lost my appetite
for life
then what am i?
if i take in
only what i can choke down
only what others force down my throat
then what am i?
if you are what you eat
then i am withering
away
to
nothing.

dear monster under my bed,
you do not have scales or spikes
or sharp teeth
you are not slimy or fifty  feet tall
but somehow
you terrorize my life
all the same
you are godzilla
and I am Tokyo
breaking at the will of your
appetite for destruction
monsters aren't always as we portray them
they aren't always two faced
or blood *******
they aren't always hideous and terrifying
monsters hide in plain sight
sometimes the scariest monsters
that we encounter
are simply human
and nothing more.