God is teaching me
how to not be so
reactive
that it is okay
to walk away
without explanation
that i don't have to
explain myself
to anyone
because he already knows my heart
completely
he is teaching me
to let go
of the things of this world
and hold on tight
to my relationship with him
and not my relationships
with others
because i feed off of
the energy of the people
i surround myself with
and i don't always
surround myself
with positive people
he has taught me that
if i feed off of people
instead of him
that i will always
be left feeling hungry
so this is my surrender.

have i given
too much of myself
away?
maybe i'm breaking at
the seams
and it seems
i am worse off
than i thought
bottled up my problems
now they're leaking
from the top
thought i had some me
to spare
that there was enough of me
to share
but i gave myself away
and now i sit
in a hollow shell
wallowing in
my own personal hell
tried to make people feel at home
but all i am is skin and bone
people are not meant
to be made into homes
the base of humans
is fragile bones
there is no concrete
to keep me steady
when life starts
to get too heavy
i built my home upon the sand
but it seems the walls wouldn't
stand
if you're going to make
a human your home
maybe you should
be your own
because until you have
a strong foundation
you can't attempt
to be someone else's
salvation
because the foolish man built
his house on the sand
the foolish man made a home
out of man.

(never) in my life
(have) i been organized
(i)'ve always
(found comfort in) clutter
favoring (a room)
(with) collections of curiosities
than one with (clear surfaces).

this is a year in which i will
work on realizing my
worth
realizing what i'm worth
realizing that i'm worth
more than what maybe
you can offer
i will work on realizing
that some pathways
you have to abandon
that i myself
am a pathway
best left
untraveled
untrampled
no longer will i let people
leave trails of litter
in the pathways of my heart
i will become healthier
ridding myself of the
sugarcoated people
who threaten to clog my arteries
with the sweetness of their artificial words
and broken promises
i will drop all of the weight
that has found itself
placed on my shoulders and somehow
left a burden in my heart
i will exorcise
the demons that haunt my
every waking moment
i will organize
my thoughts
and become a more calm
collected person
i will travel more
i'll buy a ticket
for a new train of thought
leaving the old one
on abandoned tracks
i will be more charitable,
realizing that
sometimes the charity i need to
give to is myself
because sometimes
i am the one in need of help
i will learn the language
of positive thoughts
and self-love
because it has become foreign to me
i will sleep better
not letting myself
lose any sleep
over people
who won't even
give me the time of day.

for now
i shall have to keep you
tucked away
in a  far away pocket of my mind
but i can't seem to find a pocket
secure enough
because you just keep
coming back
to the front of my mind
and i wouldn't mind
if it stopped
need to find my focus
but keep losing focus
need a pocket
big enough to keep
the thought of you
secure
but there isn't a lock strong enough
to hold back the thought of you
and maybe that would be easier
if you only took up residence in my mind
but it seems
that you have  also
taken up residence
in my heart.

Grief strikes
At unexpected  moments
Memories that I stored away
Have abruptly resurfaced
And just like in the moment when
He told me that you were  gone
My breath  is taken away from me
And everything  feels wrong
Flash backs of that day
Flood my aching heart
And just like that  day
I'm torn all apart
Reliving the worst day of my life
And the last day of yours.

1.** that i know you can't always be there for me
and sometimes you can't even be there for yourself
but sometimes
it hurts because
while trying to help build you up
i'm my own construction worker as well
and building two things up at once
....
rarely goes well.

2. that i know that you care about me
more than you show it
but i sometimes wish...
that maybe
...
maybe
you showed it
just a little more.

3. that i don't always know
what you need
but i will always try and help you
even sometimes
at my own
expense.

4. i need you to know
that you are way more important to me
than you can probably imagine
and that when you're feeling small you can remember
that you matter
to at least one soul.

5. that you are not alone in your battles
and that i take the "no soldier left behind" thing
very seriously.

6. that even though i am beyond confused
at where we stand at any given moment
i'll stand here with you.

7. that the times you need me most
i will be there
even if you can't do the same.

8. that you are worth it
all of it
every
last
bit

9. that i love you
in whatever form you want to take it
or if you want to take it at all