If you don't think I care
I will have to explain the way I feel then. I only been in love once in my 19 years of living and it was heartbreaking and terrible. Ending with lonely nights and stained pillows. Stained red wrists and a hollow mind. Most of it was painful for me and not a happy love at all. It took a little to really think I loved him. Nearly 7 months until those words came out of my month.  Feelings and trust are hard for me because of that interesting cheating blue eyed boy. I think I knew I was falling out of love when I noticed you at first.  You were funny and different per say. I actually liked going into work 10 mins early just to try and say hi. I never knew that saying hi to someone could feel like getting shot and falling for 50 feet. I think the first time I actually felt something for you was when you came over and we talked for 10 mins.  Not anything specials but I wanted more. I think the last time he cheated on me the day after he was at my house and I gave him everything I had to stay with me was the day I turned away and stopped trying so hard. "You can't do that anymore. Move on. Don't keep running back to a ***** piece of crap that you don't deserve." I had to replay that over and over again. Enough to make me think I was better off trying with someone who I didn't even know then trying with someone who I knew more then anyone.  If letting go let me find happiness then I'm okay with knowing your not okay. I'm okay. I'm more then okay. I feel like I'm smiling more then I have in a year. I feel like I could be content with what I have with him for a pretty long time. I feel that I need to unbreak you into believing I really do love you. If I have to be strong for both of us then I will be. I wish I could push and hide everyone away that hurt you all these years to make you believe you are a amazing guy and that I'm lucky you left at the time you so I didn't have to search for you. I'm glad I heard you were leaving cause I would of never knew if I didn't take those guest service hours. Why would you think I would leave when I tried so hard to get you to notice me? I didn't make myself up on the days you were there just to look good for myself. Im not going anywhere and I really wish you would know that. I'm not some girl who takes what she thinks she can get and walk away. I'm not going to take your heart and run away with it. We both know how that feels and I wouldn't want anything to make you feel like that again. If you ever wanted to leave you can take me with you. Run from at all. Pack up and leave. I'll be fine with that. Don't think I don't know how you feel cause I'm just as broken as you may be. But two broken souls can always find a way to fix each other and become hole again. Maybe we could become one by fixing each other. Just believe me that I love you and that I'm sorry those one word answers sometimes annoy you or I don't seem interested enough as you are but I am. I don't look up at you when we are laying down just to look up. I don't hold you for as long as I can just to hold on to something. I don't write about someone at 2am unless they mean a lot to me. It's not easy to find someone who actually understand that sleeping is hard and maybe even understand that being alive is hard for most days. we seem to understand each other more then anyone I know. It's amazing to think that things I feel you may feel too or have felt. This is a good idea You and me are a good idea. Don't leave and I'll try my best to make you understand my feelings towards you. I know you won't leave and I need you to know I wont either. If I'm yours then you are mine. And I don't want that to change.

Darling is it bad that I don't feel the sun anymore?
I'm afraid I've broken myself again.
Afraid that someday I'll lay down and feel the need not to push myself to wake up again.
Darling is it bad that I don't see the stars in the sky anymore?
The ones I use to lay in the grass and look up to.
The ones I use to make the same wish on every night they somehow disappeared and I can't seem to remember that wish.
Darling is it bad that sometimes I think the walls are screaming at me when I'm alone?
I don't do all that well in the quiet green room I have when no one is home.
Maybe that's why I found peace in a razor to block out the quiet
Darling is it okay to stop and not think for awhile?
Just lay in one spot and forget about it all?
Darling can I stop and think about you for a while?
I think your the only thing I like thinking about.
Being okay for a little feels good.
Feels like those walls can move and breathe around me.
Darling I'm afraid I'm not good enough anymore.
I can't fix myself like I have been trying too.
It's hard putting the pieces back together when I can't find them.
I would search my soul and my heart for these pieces that I lost but I get so tired, I gave up.
Darling is it wrong that I want to be prefect?
Prefect for you and myself so being alive doesn't have to be a chore anymore?
Darling. Don't leave.
I've already gaven up on myself that I can't have one more person write me off.
Darling would you be mad at me if I leave?
I would never leave you but if one day I disappear you can look up in the stars, that's were I'd be.
I've always found peace in stars.
Maybe I'll be one one day.
Maybe one day you will be looking up at one and it will be me.
Darling maybe you will remember the wish I always wished while looking up at me.

If I had to say anything I would have to say wow.  I can't believe that you are so perfect. I almost hate leaving. If having countless people hurt me in the past to lead up to being with you then I wouldn't go back and change a single moment. I'm not good with being emotional and talking about my feelings around you so that's why I'm writing them. You are amazing, sweet, caring, perfect  every word I can think of you are. How could I want anything more then just laying around and being a total goofball with you. Why would I want anything esle then being as happy as I can be. Why would I want anything esle then sleeping with you and actually sleeping all night and not waking up constantly cause I feel nervous or panicky. I don't think I could have it any better. You asked me what do I like about you and I couldn't give you good answers but I don't like your voice and I don't like your hair and I don't like your singing randomly. I love them. I love that you feel comfortable with me I love holding your hand when we are at target or the mall. I love being around you to not even caring if I come home or not. I always thought that I never was good enough for someone that everyone always would Leave me and never look back but I feel different with you that I feel safe. Safe. I do love you and those three words only have came out once before and I got totally riped apart because of it. I'm trying to put everything out on the table and rip away from any of the nagtive feelings I have towards love and open up let it all go and start new.

I met a boy long ago, God did I love that boy. I loved him more then myself. I loved him more then the stars love the night cause thats there only time to shine. I only shined when I was with him. The light in my eyes finally had a home. His hands were like mountains I could touch forever and not know when to stop cause they made me feel amazing. He had Eyes like the ocean blue as they come. Smile like a Sunday morning in the middle of July. Voice oh god his voice captured me and took me to a place I never been. Let him take whatever he wanted with that voice of his. But to bad that all ended that cold day in august. The 11th to be more exact. Something warm left me. Something left my body and I think, I think it was my heart. I think when he drove away that morning my heart knew he was never coming back. My heart knew that he's cold mind and disgusting soul got what he wanted for the last time and knew he was gone forever. So my heart followed him home. Now my body is just a empty piece of memories and dark thoughts of him. Can you give me my heart back baby? Why must you touch me so softly but leave me with the most hurtful pain I have every felt? Why did that night feel so perfect and your smile seem so real but ended in lies and you disappearing into her arms? did you not know that I would of moved mountains for you? I would of killed just to touch your beautiful mind and soul one more time? Do you not know that you are in every single thought of my mind and my body and my skin can't keep hurrying and Cutting itself because your not here and it doesn't know what to do? Your not perfect but you were perfect for me. You are the most tasteful thing my month has ever tasted. You made me go insane with the thought of your body. Your lips. Your eyes. Your eyes make me melt just thinking about them. Darling I would of dies for you? I would of killed myself if that is what you wanted. Maybe if I **** myself I can be with you forever. Watch your every move, your every thought. Darling dose that scare you? That scares me cause I would want to touch you and I know I can't. I know I can never touch you again. But darling it's okay. Cause I have him now. He makes me happy and that is what I need, Darling. Maybe the painful memories of your love and touch will go away. I need your baby blue eyes to leave my mind. I need to not lay in bed and feel your hands on me anymore. Your gone and baby I think I think I'll be okay. I think the stars aren't scared to shine on there own without needing the moon anymore. I think they are perfectly fine to be themselves and sore across the sky at 11 am. I think I will be alright without you. I mean I haven't locked myself in the bathroom cutting my already tore body anymore so that's a start huh baby? don't be sad if you come looking for me and I'm already happy with one of the  million stars in the sky. I think I found a star that is just like me. And darling, I'm pretty happy with that. Me and my star can learn how to shine together again. I'm gonna learn how to shine again Darling.

If you want to destroy me then tell
Me you love me by making me fall for you at 230am. If you want to know ******* me tell me everything I want to here about how I make your life complete and how the stars are more beautiful when we look at them together. Tell me that falling in love with me was the greatest thing your heart has ever felt other then beating 30 beats per mintine. Which in fact I have counted from those sleepless nights. Tell me that you are completely lost without my touch and without me around you don't know what to do with yourself. I never felt wanted but I let anyone in that can tell me the sweetest words. Not that my heart can't be put back together no it has gone and ran away from my body and I can't seem to
Find it. It doesn't want to hurt like he made it. My heart can't handle those nights worried sick worthless moments you made it feel. I can't keep cutting away at the thought of that 4 letter word anymore. I never thought that being in love could take so much hurt from you and only use up so little of the good. Isn't that kinda pathetic letting someone destroy you from outside in and only thinking that that's what you deserve? That all I could ever have is a man treat me like **** and don't think that I deserve any better? That the thought of being happy actually sickens me? I keep saying its not my fault that I'm ******* and that I can't give a single person a straight answer but it is my fault. It's my fault for letting countess people use me and rip me piece by piece that I don't think there anymore feeling anyone can take from me. It's my fault I let some boy take a year and a half of my life and make me feel thing that I never understood and just leave me out in the cold for a cheap one night stand. Would it be stupid if I was sorry? Sorry that I'm not enough to be as strong as people think I am? That I can be alright if I'm not alone. That I can fake that I am aright? I try to be happy with the fact that I made it out okay that I'm not in that anymore and I can move on with life but it's not that simple. It's not simple to forget everything in a snap and it's not okay to be alright during the day but when night comes all you think is tearing up and not waking up. Maybe it's better that way maybe. Hiding it all. Im still here right? haven't completely broke yet.