I was going to write a poem about you again
Crying
In my bed wrapped in a ball
Thinking about old stupid ****
That made me so worthless and powerless
Then I stopped
I think I don't care anymore
I mean I care
But I don't
About anything
About nothing at all
I'm worthless
I hate every single inch of myself
And I know I've been blaming you for me hating myself
And its mostly you
The mental part but
Half of its my fault
I hate everything about my 5'5 ,150 pound body
I hate looking at myself
I hate the way I made myself
I'm so unhappy
And I know I could wake up and say
Well, it's time to Change and change myself
But
I can't
I can't move I can't feel anything anymore
I'm only 19
19 years of a ******* wasted life
Allison who?
Killing myself should not be a thought
But every night
He's my best thought
This poem is terrible
This wasn't even a poem
I just have no one to talk to
So I write on a website
God if only I was brave enough
To lay at night
And just get it over with.

When I lay in my bed
With this blanket
I think about the frist time
When we were  under it
Your touch your smell
Sometimes I just lay on it to remember what it was like to be with you again
Sometimes I feel like I'm forgetting your smell and I miss it
Sometimes I just touch those bracelets you gave me just so I have a piece of you in my hands
Sometimes I think how much you hurt me
And sometimes I wonder if you are okay
Cause I honestly feel like you aren't
And maybe that your hurting inside
And sometimes I think you want someone to save you but you don't know how to ask
I would of saved you
I would of took your heart and fixed every crack and brokenness you felt from your childhood
And maybe you would of been the great guy I honestly think you can be
Sometimes I think
God, its been almost 3 months without you
And I'm still here wondering
If you are
Okay.

When I lay in bed at night and try to write you are the only thing that comes to my mind.
You push out every other single thought I have and your face pops into my mind.
Darling why?
Why do that to me, why are you gone and trying to get with my best friend after I told you I was in love with you forever and you said those same words oh not so long ago?
Cant I be good enough?
I want to be your everything but you want me to be your nothing.
I'm sorry I'm not pretty and I'm sorry I'm not a size two like her but
My love for you is as big as the moon and the sun and all the stars in the sky
But you don't care
All you wanted was to get in between me and I let you.
Now you gone. Gone forever.
Funny how forever can be used in so many different ways.

Loving you was like a car wreck in slow motion.
You saw everything through the eyes of someone watching from the outside in.
From the eyes of someone who would never understand.
Loving you was not tasting your mouth, but every word inside of it.
Loving you seemed to be agonizing, like watching  paint dry, expect the paint is made from my blood and my hand is on my chest, trying to keep my heart from falling out of it.
Loving you was the blood from the barely beating ***** seeping between my fingers.
Loving you was when I finally let go and heard it fall onto the ground and the paint finally dried and I was dead.

It's 1:34 and all I crave is you. All I want it your touch. Your hands. Your smile. Everything about your disgusting soul I want. You don't want me anymore because I already gave you my soul and my heart and you ripped and stole both of them like the pro you are. Your beautiful ways that I don't care personality god I want it all again. I want it all back in my bed at 3am when my parents were yelling at me for you to leave. I want your body back on my body. Your hands on my hands. Your lips god your lips I want more then anything. Can I be one of those girls at your school you see everyday? Can I be that guitar you play? Can I just be yours again? I don't think you were ever mine but god I was yours. I craved your name into my skin just to have a piece of you on me. Every now and again I stare at those pictures of you and me heart broken crying. Why the **** did you make me fall? Why did you say all the right words and leave me cold and broken to the thought of that song you sung to me? Why can't I get every thought of your beautiful eyes looking at me out of my mind? I can't move on I can't look at boys and laugh and be happy. I can't even think about a life without you without cutting my skin away. You made me feel things I never ever felt before. I'm not the one to be ****** over and believe me baby people know that but with you I wouldn't mind you ******* with my mind again and again and again. Come back and destroy me like you like too. Come back and break me more piece by piece. Come hit me come push me around. Just come to me for I can have you again. Hate me. Tell me that you wish you never met me. Just do something so I can have you in my life. Your beautiful did you know that? Didn't you know I would do anything for you like I told you? Didn't you know that I could of been the one to be with you forever? You say no one cares for you but darling, I care, I care. Come back so I can love you like you know I do. Come back

I use to be happy
Like when a child opens a gift on Christmas day
I use to smile all the time
Like when a mother sees her new born baby for the first time
I use to laugh
Like when you watch a funny movie  
I use to be different
But heartbreak and pain has changed me
A beautiful yet terrible boy has changed me
I never use to cry myself to sleep
Yet me and my tears say hello to each other every night
I never thought a blue eyed blonde boy could impact my life to the point that if I don't have him
Well I don't want
Anyone
Or anything
I used to think those girls who let a boy ruin there life's were
Well, pathetic
But I'm one of them
I let that beautiful blue eyed boy hurt me in ways I never felt
Those blue eyes
There all I see sometimes
When I'm laying cold in my bed
Cold to the thought of you
I never had such pains in my stomach
It's like I'm falling
And I can't seem to stop
Falling for you
In ways that I never felt before
Come back
Please just come back
Please