I find myself
reflexively
looking for reasons
to evade situations that might cause pain

I'm always alert,
stockpiling excuses
like armor
for a rainy day

I guess those old lessons
have seeped into my bones

I want to yell into my marrow
"you don't need those anymore!"

when I showed you a part of me
that wasn't too pretty

you said,
"I look forward to my future"

and you meant it

you, with an easy smile
lounging back on my white pillows
hair tousled
a laugh in your eyes

sometimes when
it's just the two of us

lazing about
tangled up

basking in the warmth
of each other's touch

it feels like we enter
another dimension

where time suspends
and gravity lifts

it's a little addicting,
isn't it?

I find myself often wondering
how did you come to be?

you are simply
miraculous

it's hard to fathom
how a person
who feels like an unshakeable part of your world

like the ground under your feet
or the sun in the sky

can become nothing but a ghost

seeing him
felt like missing a step

the ghost of a long-gone foundation
made my stomach drop

"How has it changed?"
they ask

how has it changed?
well,

like how dawn turns to day,
in a thousand sparkling ways

you have become
a vessel for my thoughts

an us has been born
that we both simply adore

a thread of security and importance
ties together all that we do

please let this not
be too good to be true

i've never before
had my breath
taken away

it's exhilerating

we were walking along a tightrope
(a very dangerous affair)

we should've seen it coming

the softest gust of wind
tipped us over the edge

down and down we go
tumbling, falling

just don't let go of my hand

my bedsheets smell like you
and my skin echoes
with the feeling of your touch

how am I supposed to sleep?

I want to breathe you in

let your warmth
fill every inch of me

how divine,
how exquisite
would that be?

When I was younger
I used to notice with wonder
all the exquisite details of earth

the wiggly wet earthworms that came out after a rain
the pompous blades of grass that sprung up in the spring
the twinkling rays of sun peeking out behind swirling clouds

I sure knew what I was doing, huh?

It feels so wondrous
to spend time with people
who make you feel light as air,
who make you forget
all thoughts of yourself

This is a first for me.
We've opened the door
to more
once we'd already learned each other,
seen each other,
known each other.

(Though there's more to discover,
of course.
In fact,
each time
I offer you a peek
into a new corner
of my terrain,
it feels like
the greatest gift
I've ever received-
to have you know me.
It's unmatched
only by the gift
of allowing me
to know you.)

So anyways,
I don't know the rules here.
The how-to book
on falling for your friend
must be checked out at the library
because I'm at a complete loss
as to what to make
of these feelings.

Is this too fast?
too much?
will it change?
will it grow?

all I know is
more and more these days
those three words
skitter through my mind

what am I to do!
I can't help it!

i can see our future
quite vividly

it's lovely,
let me tell you

i've never been able to do this before

I wish I could put
all of these blessed moments
in a bottle

something to tap into
when I need to find a sense
of warmth, of love

it'd help me keep from
endlessly turning them over
in my mind

but they're so **** beautiful
they deserve to be noticed,
don't they?

acting this way,
it's playing with my heart

you're teasing me

but I must admit,
I'm a more than willing victim

why does doing the right thing
have to be so torturous?

now that I've given you a piece of me
please take good care of it

i want
all of you

is that too much to ask?

images of last night keep turning over in my mind

you said
"i need you"

you can read my mind
without me saying a word

you are
miraculous

please
please
please

let this work out

our toes have inched over the line

we're playing the role of friends
but we both want to be more

can you feel the electricity?

tonight we took a walk to get the brookline tab
after watching la la land

we both knew it wouldn't be there

laughing and singing, we made our way through the deserted streets
giddy, in our pajamas

we ended up at our park and found a bench for two

the crickets our chorus
the lamppost our spotlight

i held my breath, and took a leap of faith

because *******,
you're worth it

it's amazing how
just one text from you
can send a wave of delicious heat
crashing through me

imagine what your touch could do.

I can't help but notice
that we haven't exchanged
those three particular words yet

If we were just friends,
I would have said them by now
because I do love you

But if we were more,
not quite.

They would be reserved
just a while longer
because they'd mean something more special

have you also bit your tongue
for a reason?

I'm not supposed to think about you like that

it's supposed to help
it does help
putting a wall around my heart
lets me move through my days
unencumbered, content with what we are

but thoughts of more are powerful bait:
hook, line, and sinker
I'm carried away
down a whirlpool of imaginings,
analyses, desires, and daydreams

can you just rescue me already?

I want all of your minutes
every hour, every day

Each moment spent together
fuels my desire for more

Time spent without you
is insipid, anticipatory

I'm not usually this way
you've made me greedy

they say that eyes
are the window to the soul

yours are a humble green
soft, and steady
they don't shout at you
but they make you feel safe, and warm

what rests behind that window
must be pretty beautiful

i could look all day long

I'm terrified to make eye contact with you

What if you can see
just how desperately
I want it to never end?

it is your fault
that i am tethered
to my notifications,
like an addict

every passing moment
i can't help but sneak a glance,
take a hit,
go for an emotional ride

my mind is swirling
with hope
that yours is too

when we were hiking
and you saw a chipmunk
you said, instinctively,
"hey, mister chipmunk!"

and that just about
filled me to the brim
with affection

i want to slow down
and feel my mind settle
until it comes to a stop
to rest in the now

but how?

am i brave enough
to put my heart on the line
for an uncertain outcome?

it's remarkable how
just one little thing
can buckle my knees
and send my mind tumbling away

i'm at war with my mind

it's a swirl of jealousy
and images
and song snippets
and interpretations

that carry me away
down a tumbling inner road
away from the now

my eyes grow glassy
i pick at my nails

why is my grasp on myself
so loose?
so fleeting?

**** you

in this city
where the building dwarf me
and a melee of sounds and smells pelt me
and i have to shuffle quickly to avoid the people darting towards me

i have never felt more alive

every glimpse i get of you
makes me want more

even the messy parts,
the dark parts,
especially those parts

you're no false god

you're whole
and complex
and flawed

i see you
and all i want is to get closer

ode to
the object
where our gazes both come to land

ode to
the harmonies
that we both feel resonating inside us

ode to
the imaginings
that are running through both our minds

ode to that blessed space
in between--
our own little world
where it's just you and i
together, dancing, tumbling in our own dimension

i could stay here a while

you're like a song i can't get out of my head
but i must admit
i sure do like to sing along

looking at your face
is like looking into the sun

bright, and warm

i can't bear to look for too long

but boy does it feel good
to turn my face towards your light
and let it wash over me

we were a big bang
a beginning
beautiful, prolific, thundering

the bang created matter
it created so much that mattered
but it also created space

as time went on
the space got larger, it expanded
as the noise got softer

the matter was still there,
just farther apart
still beautiful, just changing

our universe got so large
that it was foolish to cling to each other any more
you can’t fight gravity

since we let go
and let our orbits run their course
I feel so free, so strange

a great deal of space separates us now
and our orbits are uncharted
but we will always have come from that big bang

It was so nice to think
that things would have worked out
had we been dealt another hand

but I can see now
that that’s not true
and that that’s okay

Telling myself lies softened the blow then
but I am stronger now
strong enough to look the truth in the eye

You are not the one for me
We would never have worked
We are better off apart

Brighter loves are coming our way

I got too tired
of pushing against the grain

it just wasn’t worth it anymore

I don’t think that love
is supposed to have so much friction

Real, true friends
My evenings to spend as I please
Freedom from wondering when you’d call
Confidence in my desirability
The ability to make choices without explanation
An understanding of heartbreak
An appreciation for my strength
Liberation from guilt and obligation
Courtship and romance
Perspective on my wants and needs
Standards for what I deserve
Love for who I am

I don’t think about you so much anymore
And when I do
Everything feels softer

Other men have kissed my lips,
Touched my body

The first time I wasn’t ready for it
The second time I was

My current reality
was incomprehensible
to my (not so) past self


Time is a heck of a force
It plowed through our love,
our connection

It cut me dry;
it set me free

What do I want?

It wasn’t working with you
It couldn’t work with him
It’s not working with who it should

Maybe for now
I’ve just got to make it work
with me

This week I felt
the cool rush of air whipping past me
as I skated around the rink in Bryant Park
Hand in hand with my week-long somebody

I felt the sunshine pouring in through my window
then making me squint when I walked outside
warming up the cold air and waking up my sleepy eyes
illuminating the in-a-hurry 7:45am Upper East Siders

I peered into countless little worlds
on the street, in the airport, through windowpanes
each with its own sounds and smells
each so full of life

I heard a new song on the bus
I shared a drink with an old friend
I shared a kiss with a new one
I bustled
I paused
I lived.

I am going to be okay

Amidst all the chaos
In my mind

There’s one phrase
I keep coming back to

“I’m so lucky
To have loved you”

I remember
Our first valetine’s day

We weren’t quite together yet
But we split an ice cream

You wore a denim button-up
And maroon pants

You looked good

You were telling some story
I don’t even remember about what

But I remember thinking to myself
“I could listen to this boy talk forever”

Now I don’t know if I’ll get the chance
And thinking about that makes it hard to breathe

But what I do know for certain
Is you were my first love
You are forever my first love
And I will always love you