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She felt the tears slide down her cheek
She has lost so much
She has felt too much
She is not beautiful
She is crying because of you
Because somehow she let herself repeat her mistakes
Because each day she hopes
For so much more
Because she is greedy in wanting you
In wanting to love you
In loving you
She gathers these feelings
But sometimes
When you say something
Ridiculous or silly
She laughs
And whispers how she loves you
How did the sun ever shine
Before she met you
How did she ever smile
Because now they feel more genuine than ever
She hates herself for loving you
But she loves you
Maybe you know
Maybe you don't
But she can never say it to you
She can never risk losing you.
She has already lost too much
I missed my artwork
My different brushes
My unique designs
The way the brush adds color when you push harder
But my artwork goes away after awhile
And the only way to see it Is if you look really close but those only show little fragments of what my artwork use to be
But what they don't know is that my artwork were my scars and the canvas were on my wrists
And I miss my artwork
Trigger warning
Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love
I want to dedicate myself
to coming up with a phrase
that will be repeated and remembered
for all time
Something like
still water runs deep
or
look before you leap
or even
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
Four or five simple words
How hard can that be, right?  Ha
Right
The secrets of the  universe can wait --
The moon in the window is material.
There can be no persuading the Muses to explain …
To an oyster -- its pearl is a masterpiece.


A butterfly may alight on you --
Whispering secrets of forbidden knowledge
As strange to you as the deserts of the moon --
Forget this -- it is enough to save a child's blink.
I was half of who I was
I was half of who I wanted to be
My heart was only a half
And my mind was paying the fee

No one understood but you,
They all broke me
And my heart was in two

My heart was whole before all of them came

Now my heart is in pieces
Tiny fragments of shame,
From all the people taking little slivers
My heart was like a running river

Then you came along
You came along and fixed me
You fixed my broken heart
Because two broken hearts make a whole and,
You made my heart laugh
You made my heart smile
You made my heart feel happy again
You're the one who taught it how to love again
When I thought that would never be,
And all this satisfactory
Will never last
And I know this because I've learned from the past,
My heart will soon be in half again and no longer will be
The same heart that it was with you and me
She
She is a mirror, reflecting people's words and actions back on them.
She is a jacket, warming people's thoughts when they need help or advice.
She is an ice cube, she can be cold, but she can melt too.
She is a tree, people or things can alter the way she grows.
She is a thunderstorm, you either like her or don't.
She is a parachute, saving people when they seem to be falling.
She is the red traffic light across town, people usually listen to her,
but when they don't,
there might be consequences later.
She is a wall, because she's always there when you need someone to lean on
I haven't thought of you in awhile,
But I saw you today,
My eyes met yours,
My heart stopped,
And I didn't know what to say,
All of the feelings came back,
A rush to my brain,
I couldn't move because I was hooked on you,
I didn't want this to be round four,
So I finally ran for my door,
Breathing heavy,
I couldn't wait till I saw your face again...
You only text me when you want me
At first it was cute because I felt wanted
Like someone cared about me
But you don't care
You don't care at all
You could care less about me
You just wanted me for your own needs
And I was blinded from that
Drink me
Like your alcohol
Love me
Like you love your alcohol

I will drown myself in an ocean full of beer
Because I know you will drink every last drop

I will shrink myself down
Small enough to just barely slide inside your favorite bottle of beer
Because I know
you will always pick me
You always pick out your favorite one
And then
will you love me?

Would you love me if my name was alcohol?
You could call me al for short
Because I know remembering stuff is hard for you

Can I be your favorite kind
so you'll love me

I will do anything just so that I can feel you hold me again
And not grip me so hard that I have bruises on my arms
And throw me down to the floor
where my thighs seem to be the natural color of black and blue

I don't care
if I have to smell your breath that screams the word "wasted", in my ear

I just want you to love me

Broken bottles hit the floor
Shards of glass everywhere I step

But I can't seem to feel the pain anymore
For you have already caused so much...
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