9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes.
What did you really expect would happen in that time?
You had that much time to explain to me,
why you did the things that you did,
and why you left me stranded so suddenly,
with no explanation, and me thinking it was my fault.

So why today?

Why choose today,
to look me in the eyes and say
"Hello."

That one simple word,
struck me down like a lightning bolt,
and tossed me aside like I was nothing but ash.

I'm so confused.
But I'm sure that's what you're trying to do.

You'll follow me around today,
and every single word you say,
will be a lie.

You had 9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes,
to say what was on your mind.
To put my mind at rest.

But you didn't.

You sat around and watched me transform,
into this horrible f*cking shell of my former self.
And it's all thanks to you,
and your enjoyment in watching me suffer.

You had 9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes.

And I won't be wasting one more second with trusting you ever again.

One year today.
It's been one year,
since you decided,
to leave 4 years behind us.

There's still a place for you,
here in my heart.
Because I miss you.
And I don't understand,
why you left.

Our cultures are different,
I know that.
But did you really have to take it this far?
Because one year later,
my heart still aches,
every single time,
that I hear a witty remark.

In my mind I think
"Sanish would say that."
Because you would.
Your witty remarks,
kept me on edge,
and kept me happy.
Always wondering,
what would happen next.

What will happen next?

Will you continue your life without me?
Because that, I cannot bare.
There's not a day that goes by,
that I don't think about you.

Remember, when we used to look at the stars?
You would ask me,
if I thought that we're looking at the same ones.
And I think we were.
But somewhere,
I think you lost them.

I still laugh at our stupid jokes,
I still cry thinking about our stupid fights.
I still remember the promises we made,
I still remember you saying that it's alright.

I still don't even understand,
why you insulted me the way you did.
Crushing our dreams was so easy for you,
I can't even believe it, who knew?

You were like a brother to me,
best friends until the end.
I think that's why it hurts so much,
I thought that we were friends.

The nights continue on so slow,
as I search the nighttime sky.
It gives me time to think about,
why I even try.

Priests are a plague,
whispering of false Deities;
that tear us apart.

Christianity teaches you to hate;
thyself, thy neighbor,
and thine own world.

and you still go to Hell.

Christianity is a Plague,
preaching to us about
a pathetic excuse of a God,
who gave us free will,
and now hates us for having it.

Christianity is a Plague,
preaching to us how we should
feel
act
worship.
How we should
forgive
forget
and repent.

No matter what,
Christianity is a Plague
whose morals preach nothing but self hatred.

Christianity teaches you;
You cannot be happy without God.
You are nothing without God.
No matter how much you try to appease God;
You can't.
No matter how hard you try to be devout,
you cannot accomplish it.

Christianity teaches us,
that when we die,
Hell is inevitable,
unless you're a Saint.

Christianity teaches us,
that everything we do is bad,
we are incapable of good,
we are all ******.

Unless we give up everything that makes us Human,
God shuns you and Damns you and doesn't look back,
because we are sinners.

Christianity teaches us that we are sinners,
we are nothing but sinners,
and we have to hate all sinners.

So why does no one see,
that we waste our money,
on a Pious Plague,
instead of spending
on something that can actually make a difference in the world.

So much
hate
despair
war
famine
lies
hurt
and malice

could have been avoided,
if we actually spent time
trying to fix things
instead of trying to believe in someone
who clearly doesn't give a **** about us.

To think that I have failed you once again.
It pains me to the core to see you down.
And I’m the reason why you are in pain...
I wish I could destroy what makes you frown.
We’ve held out through the problems these years past.
But once I thought our love had gone to waste.
Though now we’ve come to see our love held fast,
My love for you could never be replaced.
I know that we will always have some times...
When our problems will be too much to bear,
But even if I can’t see through the grime,
I know that you’ll always be there to care.
So even when our lives have passed us by,
I know I’ve always loved you ‘til I died.

And here we go again.

We're searching for an end.
A* means to stop the madness,
Kicking and screaming in spite of
Everything society has to throw at us.

Unjustifiable
Punishment.

Calling all police officers,
Arrest us, if you can.
Let us go, if you will, but,
Let it be known, we will be back.

Fighting for freedom
Of opinion, speech, and looking for equality.
Rebelling against

The **** that the media throws at us.
How will we know where to go if
Everything around us is fake?

My friends, we must be critical.
Actions speak louder than words.
Send out a message across the
Seas, so that
Everyone can rise and
Say this with me...

Everyone is beautiful, everyone deserves to be free,
if I am true to myself, then I will be truly happy.

A year ago today,
down to the last minute;
I never thought my whole world
would come crashing down around me.

Tears fall down my face as I remember,
every single thing you said and did;
a year ago today.

I was so scared,
so lonely and heartbroken,
so afraid of the world,
and it took me so long
to find myself again.

Why did I suffer so much?
Why didn't I have the courage,
to end the pain?
I could have, no...
I should have left you.

If I had have known,
that the walls we spent so long building,
were about to come crashing down around me
by your own ******* hand,
I would have prepared myself.

I'll never forget that paralyzing feeling,
that held me in place,
I eventually crumpled to the ground,
and truly cried my heart out.
To this day,
I still, have never cried harder than I did,
a year ago today.

I vividly remember,
as if I were stuck in a bad dream,
the cold sweat,
and the dry air,
the feeling of freezing snowflakes,
sticking to the crystal tears
streaming down my face.

I ran outside and screamed.
I ******* screamed at the world,
and you.
Oh, did I ever scream at you.
I was so confused...
you never gave me a reason why.

And a year ago today,
I still don't know the reason why.

And it haunts me in every single corner of my entire life.

Why did you leave me so suddenly?
Why did you hurt me so bad, so swiftly?
Why did you enjoy my pain?!

That's still what hurts the most.

I remember the days after you left me,
at school...
you laughed at me,
when I crumpled to the ground,
and broke down completely at the mere sight of you.

You laughed,
as I choked on my own tears and sorrow.
You laughed,
as I slid to the floor and passed out,
when I saw you with that other girl.
You laughed at our entire relationship...
2 years and 6 months meant nothing to you,
3 weeks later...
I guess I'm just easy to replace, huh.

You truly tore my heart from my chest,
and it still isn't there,
but it's growing,
thanks to the boy who's shown me how wrong I was.
You never truly loved me, Simon.
But I know someone who does.
I taste it on his lips,
every time we kiss.
I feel it in his embrace,
as he holds me.
I feel safe.
Brent, loves me.

I've given up on searching for your reasoning,
I need to let myself not care.
I'm sad it has to be this way,
you've carved yourself from my life.
You laughed at me in my darkest hours,
and now, something has dawned on me.

Why has the pain not gone away?
Now I finally know.
My body treats this as a funeral,
because who you were,
has truly died.

You are not the man I fell in love with.
You are not who I called my best friend.
I'd hardly even call you human,
with all that ice in your soul.

RIP, Simon,
though you deserve no peace.
rest in pain; and rot away.

I'll never know the reason why.
You can't ask a dead man.
But now,
the funerals over.
And I'm walking away,
as they cover your coffin with dirt.
I will never ever look back to your grave,
because,
I've started a new chapter in my life.
and it started,
a year ago today.

Wipe the pain away,
and don't lose your will to fight,
you will be just fine.

Nerve endings ignite,
in a colossal implosion,
of never ending thoughts,
possibilities, and heartache.

Weightlessness consumes me
until the pain slowly ebbs;
but I wake up,
and hell resumes.

Why is the truth
so hard to come by?

Í tykja til hava hvørva mín harvið.
Samalt, Í hygga mín spegling.
Her speiliga!
Dára mín doyggja mannasál,
mín mannasál um stendur á egg av sorl.
Skulu tú bjarga meg?

~Translation~

I seem to have lost my way.
Alone, I see my reflection.
It mocks me!
Captivating my dying soul,
my soul that stands on edge of breaking.
Will you save me?

It's funny; the things I'll do to escape you.

I feel the familiar numbness,
as the caffeine works it's way through my system.

The heightened senses,
the small, flashing lights, haunting the corners of my vision,
the nausea as the room starts to spin,
but I like it...

Because, every time I feel this upheaval,
I know that soon enough, my body won't be able to process the feelings;
I know my mind won't react to the seeds you planted there.

You try as hard as you can to make them grow,
you're trying to tear me apart from the inside out,
and once upon a time,
it worked.

But once I feel the shock of my system shutting down,
there's no more room for you to invade.

I know what I do is dangerous.
But when you find something that works,
anything* is a good enough escape.
Even if it means that eventually,
something goes horribly wrong...

Am I doing something wrong?
Because I'm really dying to get away from you,
and so far,

A bad headache and a fast heart beat aren't going to be enough to convince me to stop.

Caged and confused,
I've been so bemused;
I'm wondering who will win.

Will it be me?
Well, I have the key.
But it feels like such a sin.

I'm hiding inside,
and there I abide,
with my former skin.

She tries to usurp me,
she tries to hurt me,
and I see no way to win.

I’m standing in a blizzard...
that’s what it feels like.
the cold, it bites right back at me.
it stabs me like a spike!
Right through my heart it goes!
it chills me to my toes,
to think you’d be so cruel...
you played me like a fool.
And now I’m feeling nothing,
but that sort of makes me glad.
I know if I could feel the pain,
it’d take what’s left I have.
It’d take away my friends from me,
it’d steal my sanity.
I can’t believe how far I fell,
when you said you fell for me.
My limbs they all seem frozen,
they crack like withered trees.
In winter trees are heartless;
like what you did to me.
I know you see my pain here,
you relish in it all.
I know I hurt you so **** bad
and you’re here to watch me fall.
But even though I surely know,
you’ve got me down and out.
I’ll come back one day you’ll see!
Just what I’m all about.
But just for now I don’t know how,
to get out of this mess.
But I’ll be fine you’ll see in time,
Let’s start this game of chess.

A start
with no end.
A promise
with no truth.
The end
is certain.
It always comes
around.

We've been watching the clocks collapse,
watching time slip away so fast.
I don't know how much time must pass,
before the scars heal at last.

The pitter-patter of tiny tears,
clearly showing all your fears,
dancing on your cheeks at night,
I see it in the moonlight.

I don't know how to help you now,
you have gotten lost somehow.
It seems that you're too far away,
for me to help you live today.

I know you think you're so alone,
you're screaming but there's no one home,
but I'll be there for you, I swear,
I'll help you out of your despair.

I realized something today.
I realized that,
no matter how many stupid things you put me though,
we had some good times.
But I admit,
the bad might have out shined the good.
In the end,
I knew I would miss you,
But...
I didn't think I would hate you.
And the truth is,
I really do hate you.

I fought against it for a while,
trying to tell myself,
that you had a justifiable reason,
for doing everything you did.
But you don't.
You never have.
And you never will.
Everything you did to me,
was malevolent,
painful,
abusive,
manipulative,
and traumatizing.
And I wish I could make it all go away,
But I can't.

This is my only escape.

Every time I look at you,
you **** the life straight out of my heart,
and the feeling from my limbs.
It's suddenly harder to breathe,
and my blood starts to boil.
And underneath all of those symptoms,
there's a question.
"Who are you?!"
Who are you...
all I want to know,
is who you are.
Because you're definitely not anything that I recognize.

I realize now,
That I was set up from the very start.
But I'd like to think,
if not for just one second,
that 2 years and 6 months actually meant something to you.
Something more than stringing me along,
because I really can't put my life back together,
knowing that you're just out to mess it up.
And I know you are,
because every single thing you've done,
for the past 10 months,
has been deliberate enough for me to see,
that you're just trying to ruin me.
And you know what?
I try to stop you.
But you just break me down so completely, and,
so,
*******,
easily.

Remember what I said?
About how hard it is for me to even look at you?
Think of how bad it is for me to hear your voice!
Your harmonious voice,
taunting me in melodious tongues,
prodding into my brain,
and planting new seeds of doubt,
where they will no doubt grow and bloom.
One word is all it takes.
It doesn't even have to be towards me,
it just has to be around me.
It flows around me,
as surely as the air flows through my lungs.
And it fills my system with dripping venom.
Constricting,
writhing it's way into my thoughts,
and slowly enveloping my heart.
I don't know how long my heart can stay choked like this.
I need air,
I need freedom,
but most of all,
I need reassurance that I'm going to be okay...

In the end,
I know I'll never get to say any of this to you.
But I'd still like to say it.
You're a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Really.
You're a sadistic, abusive, manipulative, conniving, malevolent...****.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I wish I could take my years, months, hours and minutes back,
so I could have spent them with who I'm with now.
Because never in my entire life,
have I found someone who makes me smile as easily as he does.
His scent makes my heart flutter,
and his happiness is contagious.
When I'm in his arms,
everything is okay.
But there's still that silent sense of foreboding.
That sense that you're still out there,
destroying the lives of other girls,
like you did mine.

I don't know when I'll heal.
Or when I'll even start to heal.
But now I know the first step.

*I need to accept the fact that I need help.

The ash clouds cry tears of blood,
upon the land swollen with fear.
Trees bend their knees,
to the coming of reapers,
disguised as angels to save us,
from our own living hell,
as the purge rolls on.

Together, we have started this fire.
Burning the whole world to ash.
This place is set for ruination.
Striking the match,
as you set the world aflame.
Watch it as it burns away.

This is a premonition,
of a crisis apparition,
but I don't hurt badly enough to die.

Not yet.

The thought of suicide...
When you feel like that,
there's no where to hide,
and you'll never forget it.

It can break you,
or it can make you,
but please,

don't ever let it take you.

Depression
holds you with an iron grip;
one so unrelenting,
and so cold to the touch,
that it dulls even the warmest of feelings.

Depression
steals all joy from the moments,
you wish you could re-live,
because you never came
to fully appreciate the life you live.

Depression
tries to stop you,
from getting away,
from loving,
from smiling,
from living.

But Depression,
is not terminal,
is not unmanageable,
is not forever.

Depression
is something you can beat,
and your scars will forever be trophies;
a reminder of what you've survived.

These are the words
of someone who has truly lost all hope
and all will to live.

These are the words
of someone who has bled so many times,
her scars will never fade.

These are the words
of someone who's been depressed for so long,
there is no way out.

These are the words,
of someone who's reaching out for help,
and no one's there to reach for her hand;

as she drowns in her own sorrows for the last time.

Dazed
Confused
Zone out
What the **** is that sound?

That buzzing
So insistent in my ears
Like a parasite
Feeding on my ******* fears.

I hear it when I'm drunk
That buzzing
That leering sound
Makes me want to carve out

The parts of me that I hate.

How do you stop
The only thing
That makes you feel
Sane? Or anything at all
For that matter.

I try so hard to ignore the tug
But this buzzing is invading my highs.
The only thing that used to keep me feeling okay.

Self destruct
and rebuild
until you love yourself again.

Sitting in this empty room.
As I watch the shadows creep to the door.
Sitting on my bed I see,
The bits of dust as they fall to the floor.
Its so unreal how time flies by;
When the sun shines in,
All the shadows die.
And by that time, I'm sitting inside.
Waiting for the moon; My time to abide.

But from the light there's always dark.
And from the truth, theres always a lie.
Beyond the shadows there lies a mark,
Hidden by dust from days gone by.
So now you see; Moonlight so dark,
The shadows that creep,
The dust shall part.
An illuminator that fails to reap.
The Dust, The Sand, The Shadows; they sleep.

In the middle of the night,
The sandman comes 'round.
Perfecting infection,
Yet making no sound.
Spraying your eyes,
With his hellish dust,
Rebirthing your nightmares,
Perfecting your lust.

The daylight creeps in,
As I slowly wake.
The nightmares I had,
Were too much to take.
The Sandman had come,
And the Sandman had gone,
And all he had left,
Was the Dust at Dawn.

Look me in the eyes,
say that you won't let me go,
we are forever.

Falling down
Again, it seems
Like no one
Listens anymore.
It feels like
No one's there, everyone's just...
Gone.

Downward spiral leading me to an
Open vein in my life.
Wondering why I could
Never stop sooner.

At last, when all the smoke clears.
Night turns to
Daylight.

Good morning, is
Everything I needed
To hear.
Today,
I** start myself over again.
Not going to
Get beaten down so easily anymore, because...

Up there, I know you're watching me, and it's you, who
Pulls me back together when I fall apart.

Knife

On the table

Run out to the balcony

Caged in

Need to jump

Struggle, claw, yell

Boyfriend says: are you okay?

Inhale

Exhale

I'm fine, I say.

Smile

Nod

Walk away.

Please ******* help me.

I'll jump from this 24th floor.

I love you so much...

You won't even hear me hit the ground.

A  perfect summer night;
moon shining in the sky,
fireflies surround us
as the light leaves our eyes.

We pay no attention to them,
so lost in our own thoughts,
that we didn't realize,
what was right before our eyes.

Their lights flick on and off,
much like our feelings do.
happy, sad, happy, sad,
what are we supposed to do?

We try to talk it out,
but our speech is a bit slurred,
regardless of the smoke,
our little friends stayed undeterred.

I felt like you saw right through me,
but they saw me plain and clear.
They could see the hurt;
something you mistook for fear.

Anxiety gets the best of you,
is there any room for me?
All you do is judge me,
for things I don't even see.

I haven't changed at all,
I've been here all along.
Do you know how hard it is?
To try to stand so tall?

With everyone leering at you,
breaking down your walls;
you're all that I have left,
so, before this castle falls;

I just wanted you to know,
that I'm not hiding any thing.
I need you to trust me,
I can't stand the sting...

your anxiety is killing me,
and the fireflies know;
because they paid attention;
and helped me see with their soft glow...

that maybe we can't fix this,
maybe we're too far gone.
So please just lay here with me,
and we'll watch just one more dawn;

together.

I'm ****** if I do
and I'm ****** if I don't,
what I'm about to say,
well,
don't think I won't...

Don't think I won't have the strength to go on,
because it's all in your perspective.
Don't think I won't have the courage to stand strong,
in the face of all my Demons.
Don't think I won't have the Mentality to know,
when someone's trying to break me.
Don't tell me I won't have the Will to fight,
when I'm faced with life or death.

Sometimes I know
that I feel so weak,
that I think it's time to end it.
But that's because,
I live in a house,
that would love to see me quit.

I won't let them.

I fell down again today,
I thought I was done for sure.
All the pain and sadness,
dropped me straight to the floor.

I felt like a ******* brick,
made of lead,
tied to an anchor;
and someone decided
to drop me,
into a sea of misery.

I thought for sure
"I can't do this,
I can't take it anymore."

But I swear to god,
I heard your voice,
and I got up off the floor.

I swear,
you were there,
and the weight lifted once more.
I know,
you were there;
it didn't hurt anymore.

Thank you.

Like a poison fog,
creeping around the edges of my vision
this is the final stand.

I know if I get lost
wandering around in this stark nothingness.
I will not come out.

I know if the sadness takes hold,
this time,
the damage will be permanent.

I'm sick and tired of the fighting.
And of fighting battles.
that I can't win.

Hate
is an inaccurate word.
I want you to *die.

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
Bitter disappointment
staring back at me.

It seems no matter
what I do,
I just can't seem
to get through to you.

I'm clawing away
at what's left of me.
and people won't let
the pieces be.

I shed those pieces for a reason.
I'm sick of being stuck in this rainy season.
Walking around with a cloud above my head.
Sometimes I think I'd much rather be dead.

Sometimes...

I won't get drunk often.
Why do it in the first place?!
I don't see the big deal.*
That's because you won't listen!
How can I tell you how I feel?
When you're busy living in a place so surreal.
I can't even tell you what's on my mind,
and I fear that I have been left behind.
Why can't I just shut up and agree?
Why can't I just be normal and see?
See what it's like to mess myself up,
don't stop drinking 'til the end of the cup.
Well that just doesn't appeal to me,
is this the way things have to be?
I don't see the point in losing my mind,
and for some stupid reason, that leaves you blind.
Blind to my wants and blind to my needs,
You don't think something's wrong until it bleeds.

Well I'd like to tell you,
just how I feel.
So maybe today,
I'll show you what's real.

It hurts so much to look at you,
that sometimes I still cry,
and that alone makes me look back,
and start to wonder why...

Why were you so cruel to me?
Until the very end,
you know I find it funny cuz,
I thought you were my friend.

I don’t know what to say to you,
to end all of this pain.
But all I know is this, my friend,
I know it’s all in vain.

Once, you were a part of me.
A big piece of my heart.
And when you had let go of me,
you stole that giant part.

I’ll never be the same again,
I will never be whole.
But in the end, it’s all okay,
cuz I still have my soul.

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone insists I live in your shadow.
I need to be more to the likeness of you,
apparently.
I don't like that idea.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong.
I need to be more to the likeness of everyone else to fit in,
apparently.
I scream because no one has the guts to stand up for them self.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because there's too many people telling lies behind my back.
I need to stop doing drugs,
apparently.
I didn't know I was doing them; I'm trying to stand up for myself here.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone's taking up all the f*cking light.
I need the sun to survive,
apparently.
I'm trying to tell you that I don't know how long I can live without it.
But, who's there to listen?

I don't even know where I went so wrong,
but all I know is that it's been so long
since I've been able to get out of this mist
it seems that I just can't coexist

with depression.

Depression's like a fog
that comes rolling in
and it turns into a bog
and ***** me in.

I'm up to my neck
with pain,
everyday.
There isn't one single way
to get away.

It stalks you
in every corner of your life.
And the only way to handle it
is with a ******* knife.

But that's not a solution.
It's temporary respite,
from not feeling down
and crying all night.

It's like a warm gentle sigh
that releases the hurt,
but in the end I realize,
I'm still face down in the dirt.

I can't keep going on this way,
the pain is just too much.
And drugs don't help in any way,
they're not even a crutch.

Antidepressants feel like,
they take my life away.
I no longer feel happiness,
or can react in any way.

They fill my head with nothings!
So why does the label say:
"Used to help depression,
and help you feel okay."

I feel like I don't exist!
Much less a human being!
I look into the mirror
and can't believe what I'm seeing.

I don't recognize my face,
my body or my hands
I just walk around because
that's what they demand.

Am I going crazy?
I don't even know.
even if I was,
my body couldn't tell me so.

I just don't know what to do,
what to say,
or who to talk to.

But I know I'll find a way,
if someone could tell me I'm okay.

I'm lost in your gaze...
the sun could not compare,
to the flame in your golden orbs.

Striking,
the flames lick at the emerald leaves,
swirling together,
stealing my heart,
peering into my soul.

I lose myself in the swirling colors;
that make up my love.

Someone once asked me,

When you close your eyes,
do you know if the darkness ends?

I replied,

No, I'm just as lost as you are.

It's then that I realized,
is it my own fault I'm lost?
Why am I worrying about the small things?
Why does it matter where the darkness ends?
I'll find my way out...right?

I'm starting to think,
that my narcotics are narcissistic.
I'm starting to think,
that they think they can control me.
I'm starting to think,
antidepressants are tricking me into thinking I'm weak.
But I'm starting to think,
that it doesn't matter where the darkness ends.

I'll find my way out of the lethargic fog clouding brain;
kicking and screaming and clawing
like I usually do.
Does the darkness ever end?
Does it even matter if it does?

I'll fight it 'til the ******* end.
**Antidepressants do not make me weak.

Just looking at you...
I feel the happiness fade from my heart;
swallowed by the dark void that holds my heart’s rightful place.

Your smile is so fake,
that it brings tears to my eyes.
I know who you are, and I hate you.

But before it got to this point,
you showed me hope, love, friendship,
and most of all, you showed me how wrong I was.

How wrong I was to put my trust in you,
to believe in you, be with you, and act like you.
How wrong I was to call you my life.

I learned a lesson from you today,
I guess I should thank you.
You were my best friend at one point, before I hated you.

And maybe,
just maybe,

You’ll find it in your heart to find yourself again.
So I won’t have to watch you grow as someone you’re not,
and I can finally put my past behind me.

You know, I find it funny;
how you've twisted my words,
and how you've recreated our memories,
to make it look like I'm the bad guy.

Well I'll tell you now,
I won't stand for that.
But here's what I will stand for.

I'm gonna stand up for my feelings,
because I'm sick of you manipulating them.
I'm gonna stand up for my body,
because I'm sick of the pain you cause me.
I'm gonna stand up for my mind,
because I'm sick of the malevolent beatings it has to take,
And I'm gonna stand up for myself as a whole for once,
because I'm sick of letting you tear me down.

You know who I was;
and who I am hates who I've been.
So now, it's time to show you who I really am.