it seems
that maybe
you lied when
you said that
you would never
leave and
maybe you
lied when
you said
that you
would never
forget
but maybe
i deserve it

I wanted to write down a poem today.
So I sat down, pen and paper in hand
And cried.

This was not a poem that I was trying to make up,
In fact, I knew every line.
Every beat.
Every inflection that you would use.

It is so hard
To put your kiss
Onto paper
When you're not around anymore.

If you were to ask me, i'd
Laugh it off, saying
Of course i do, sweetie. why
Verify? three words
Each day suffice, so
You know, right?                 no, wrong.
Only, ever, always: you.
Uncontrollably, hopelessly, totally, i do.

I pondered life for a while,
Why am I here?,
What is my purpose?,
What will I do with my life?,
Everyone dies eventually,
there will be a time when no one is remembered,
a time, when humans don't exist,
so I figure, in this absurd life,
I might as well try to enjoy myself.

Senescence begins
And middle age ends
The day your descendents
Outnumber your friends.

You make me queasy
a constant sea sickness
but I'm not ill
People tend to call this "butterflies"
Im just digusted
there are insects hiding in the most secret parts of me

sometimes
my heart swells
but lately
it's from
the thought
of you and i
bundled up
with your lips
pressed
against my forehead.

You bought a dress shirt,
Button-up and black.
I could see your mood in your eyes
like the shirt in my hand
dark and neatly pressed.
Buttons in a perfect row of black on black.
I undid them hurriedly
so I could get the **** hanger off
and put your purchase in the bag,
then flushed and looked away
hoping you wouldn't notice,
suddenly struck by how intimite a gesture
undoing a button could be.

If I could get a tattoo
it obviously would not be of  you
you already scarred me deeper than any needle and ink ever could.
unknowingly etching your future into mine,
thats not what I want.
the removal process would take too long,
years of treatment.
This invisible tattoo you left me with,
unseen to anyone else,
I see everyday.