little yellow teeth
stained by years of coffee and cigarettes
layered like sedimentary rock
wire brush mustache
on a face that betrays his years
a reflection of a potential that went unrealized
such an angry man
even his words are burdened
with equal parts guilt and rage
"do as I say kid"
"because I said so"
he must view himself a tough, strong man
despite being an upper middle aged diabetic
possessing a physique
that calls to mind a woman in her third trimester
his bitterness, his depression, his emptiness
permeated every layer of life
imagine a son
who grew up confused, frightened
not knowing when, how, or why
a display of aggression would occur
wildly disproportionate to whatever perceived transgression
my sins weren't fictional, i needed better representation

a one-by-two
a measurement of lumber
wrapped in athletic tape
an display, a warning readily available
a disciplinary tool for any occasion
when broken across my ***
a lesson was given but rarely learned
we never communicated then
we barely speak now
if only for the lack of something civil to say
should platitudes serve as a father and son bond
then our collective stubbornness is worth a mention
if blame needs placing
and i was taught this behavior
can i learn to forgive and love
such a below average model for God?
right on cue
his catholic upbringing screams in my ear
and my irish rises
an irish familiar to him
the only thing we share
he could have kept that to himself

I look in the mirror, what did I expect to see?
Age lines? Sure signs of dramatic aging?
I see me, just 20, one year older than the day
before. Nothing more, just me the same person
I use to be, just me with frown lines and a wicked
personality. Just me.

You are a ferris wheel operator because
you keep guessing why.
I'd like to tell you
that you've taken me higher than ever before,
made me see what I couldn't
don't know if I can anymore.
Because I swallow too many pills that are sweet on my tongue
listen to the same songs he showed me the summer before love
making it to the middle is absolutely good enough for me
if you can use me like a ladder and get higher than the lows of the sea
we are polar opposites.
Balance each other out,
we're the flat planes of Kansas and we're going down.
It's been said that a person is only an atheist until they're dying
I say everyone keeps loving until they're told they're lying.
Only the truest keep fighting to hold onto the middle
and never let their love weep like the tree of willow
said every single person deserves a second chance
until they use that one to pull a gun
and blame it on their parents.

how can a room
four walls and one window
feel like i have been submerged onto the ocean floor
the air is dense and unrelenting as you invade my brain
you insidious creature, you have latched onto to my heart strings
i am trying to peel you away like the skin of an orange
but you keep sticking
and how harrowing is it that
we have an expiration date
the doctors told me we only have 7 months left to live
and i don't know if i can bare the day to day pain
of looking at you
and seeing a ghost
these words we casually spit out should now be
deliberately picked apart
and digested so the meanings and the letters
can flow into our blood streams
I will still be able to detect the faintest bit
of you within me

my eyes are smashing you with jagged glass
whispering distress calls like
"you will hurt me"
"please don't go"
but your depart is inevitable
and we must assimilate to that tragic truth
Your skin will haunt me
the thought of your touch will induce night terrors
Your mellifluous voice shall pluck apart my flesh
As vultures do, but this is the price that I am willing to pay
because you are worth it all
even with this fleeting time bestowed upon us
Darling,
you have imprinted constellations on my complexion
so whenever i ache for your presence
i will be able to pinpoint your location
by the stars you have scorched onto my skin