Autumn...it's the kind of color memories are made of.

"Be good for your mommy, ok?"

The girl tried to control herself,
she didn't know what was going on,
but it was something bad...
why was Daddy saying goodbye?
Why is Mommy crying so much?
Everyone was scaring her so much.

She nodded her head,
and hugged Dad.
Mommy was at the other side of the bed,
holding onto Dad's hand.

"Mommy? What's wrong with Dad?"
"Honey...Dad is saying...goodbye"
she choked to get the words out.
"I'm sorry Sweetie...but we'll be alright"

Suddenly, Dad started gasping,
and she couldn't breath for fear.
What was going on?

A small noise came from his mouth,
and she thought she could hear the words
"I love you"
and then Daddy was still.

"Daddy!!! Wake up!!! What's wrong???"
she started screaming,
everyone was crying,
no one was telling her what was happening.


She never felt so alone.


Now she's 16,
and she doesn't remember
what it was like to be swung in circles
in his strong arms,
and knowing he had the answer to everything.
She can't remember making tents in the living room to sleep in,
or Mom laughing out loud.

She can only remember the one night
when everything she knew went away.

Sometimes I go back into my fantasy

where you look back at me,

and you aren't thinking of her.

How is it that I always laugh silently
but my sobs cannot be silenced?

Have you ever thought the sun

as an orb of life?

When the sun sets,

it's ****** down a drain.

Although often gorgeous,

it's such a sad scene.

The sun rising is like

it has come back to life.


Every.

single.

day.


Just a reassurance that we are alive as well.

I look like i don't care

that you don't email

but inside I'm dying

of hurt

You know it's completely over

when you've given up even trying

When are you two going to stop being kids?

Grow up,

see those looking up at you,

and at least act like you love each other.

It is just the past

that keeps

me coming back

3 o'clock and not about to fall asleep with my eyes open.

It's gotten easier and easier to stay up as long as possible to live in another world

better then the one awaiting in the morning

Just wait...

the perfect guy is out there

you'll find him someday! you just have to be patient.

But I was never a patient person...

I used to be able to see my future
just as it was supposed to be

Get good grades,
work hard through hard classes
you come in and out of my life,
because i knew i loved you
but that it would never work out
graduate with high honors
and then take off from there.

I didn't count on it hurting so bad
when you left.
I didn't count on the fact
that i would become so confused
with every little thing going on in my life,
that grades would drop,
and so would my level of caring about anything.

Friends, family, grades, music, reading, the many smiles.
Everything that has been the focus of my life
everything i lived for.

But now there's nothing to live for...
what's the point?
my parents wouldn't have to pay for college
my friends all move away anyways,
at least, not the real ones...
grades? people get by without them
there will always be someone better in music
it's not like i'm going to make a career of it,
so why practice?

What will reading do other then learning?
it doesn't matter...
someone will always have read more.

This isn't a goodbye...
i don't know what it is...
but i know theres no purpose anymore
and this was the only way to say that.

Everyday, a tear is driven to the edge
'til it's about to fall off the edge of the cliff
it often does
I miss going to sleep with a smile on my face...
please come back

.                                 t
                                  h                            ­                                        i
                       ­           e                                                     ­                  s
                                     r
                                         e
                                                  


                                                    n
        ­                                                    o




       ­                                                                 ­         d
                                                               ­                    i
                                                               ­                   r
                                            ­                                         e
                                                               ­                         c
                                      ­                                                     t
                                                               ­                               i
                                ­                                                                 ­  o
                                                               ­                                          n


    o
   r
                                    o
                         ­          r
                                  d
                           ­      e
                               r
                                      



                     ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                 i
                                              ­                                                                 ­                                                         n



   ­                                                                m
                                                               ­     y


                  l
    
                                                                ­                                 i
                          
                                         f
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                e

"Let me take your burden for you"*

I lift my trusting eyes to the one who has always helped me

The plea is answered, and the weight is lifted.

Each day, the thoughts and feelings pile up,

the pain, the joy....everything.

Now it is released and I can let go..

to start anew

*"Thank you, Poetry, for always helping to carry my heavy loads."

"if you'd just pretended to understand that one time"

sorry, but I don't pretend....
no matter what it costs,
and if I have to pretend for us,
none of it matters.

You always run from your problems.

If you want to literally run as well,

I'll gladly become your problem.

d
  r
    i
      p
d
  r
    i
      p

it slowly starts to rain...
forcing the cold to seep into my bones

you still aren't here
i've waited so long

d  d
  r  r
    i  i
      p  p
d  d
  r  r
    i  i
      ­p  p

you said you would be here
forever, just us

My feet start to get wet
i think i can see you in the distance

wait, that is you!

d | d | d | d | d | d
  r \ r \ r \ r \ r \ r
    i \ i \ i \ i  \ i  \ i
    p \ p \ p \ p \ p\ p


d | d | d | d | d | d
  r \ r \ r \ r \ r \ r
    i \ i \ i \ i  \ i  \ i
    p \ p \ p \ p \ p\ p

it starts to pour
and the sheets of rain cover you

where did you go?

You said she was patronizing
that was a new vocabulary term.
But it was really you that was guilty.

You called everyone a hypocrite,
even me sometimes...even before you hated me.
I guess that was another vocabulary term that I learned
by example.

Heartbreak?

what the hell have I been talking about
all this time?

Have I ever thought of the true heartbreak
felt by the loved ones of the soldiers
sent over seas to fight
for spoiled people like me.

Heartbreak?

ha, yeah right...
I don't know the word

Not when I see little kids
who's dad's are fighting
across a wide and stormy sea.

I used to think the problem was that I was too strong-minded

now I really realize the problem was that I didn't stand up to you

when you were tearing me down.

Trust is what you say,
but you don't trust me for stupid reasons.

Be glad I'm not taking drugs
or tearing up the town.

Because if it wasn't because of you,
that's where I'd be.

Everyday I look on that poster on my wall,
and I'm reminded of you.

Of how you left,
of how you'll never come back.

And with everyday I forget a little more of that smile
from that one day in the park.

All writers live in a town

all to their own next to a huge river,

but even rivers can dry up for a while.

There are four other "role models" in this car.
Other kids that have set the standard for how I will be
even before I was born.
But no one ever thinks that that's not who
I want to be.

Shut up and move along, boy.

'cause you've just been replaced.

The dark clouds roll in
a silence rings about the plains

a silence that's not at all comfortable

suddenly, terror rips across the sky
lighting up all evil inside all living things
good scatters into the far corners of the distant hills
a chaotic darkness falls upon the earth

Not a single mistake surpasses
the lash of the pencil.

One small misstep
and the disapproving frown,
the mark on paper.

Life on paper
recorded in marks
in points out of the best.

Which I'll never be.

I want to change everything about myself

But that's just a want I can't have.

So I guess I'll just deal with the mess I have now.

Lost in a big quilt

hot mug of coffee in her hands

She stares into a cobwebbed corner

as if it holds the secrets of the world.

Everyone has been wondering about her

She's been like that for a long time

no one knows why, or how she is still alive

once that shadow of a body was strong and active

now she's wasting away under a big quilt in her room

and the coffee is getting cold.

Even hunched under a mountain of blankets

I'm still cold

It seems you have short-term memory loss.
when it comes to anything we said or did.

You tend to forget that you are the one that never cared,
and that I was the one that tried to save everything.

You tend to forget that I actually thought I loved you,
and you tend to forget that you were the world to me.

And people like me...or should I say, people in general,
don't forget someone or a time like that
as easily and something like you do.

The water is so hot it burns,
but it still isn't burning away the sadness.

Melting away skin is not enough,
if only feelings could melt just as easily

But if that were true
I would never step out of the shower