All these rain drops

are just my tears



*f
   a
l
    l
i
   n
g

   d
o
   w
n

Just let me go to sleep with dry eyes

please...

just once?

Is there any point anymore?

You don't return my calls

and I end up sounding like an idiot

talking into the phone as if you're actually listening.

~

So here's the birthday card I made you in advance

back when we actually talked and laughed together.

It's like inside I knew it would fall apart even as I hoped it wouldn't.

~

Happy birthday to a face with a name and a personality I don't know.

Hello and goodbye, stranger.

You don't give a ****

never did...

and never will

it's a theme all to common.

first we ran to each other

then together...

before i knew it you were to fast

and i was always running...

running after you.

But now i've given up


                          and
                            you
                              keep
                                running

That boy sitting at his computer across town

is not someone I know.

Maybe on the outside...

but something has happened that I cannot explain.

That boy has gone mute

to what matters

Instead of saying time heals everything

tell me something that actually works

Innocence is ruined

when in first grade

the sound of fireworks celebrating freedom

takes you back to a day in a classroom

that almost ended your life

They will be waiting for those shinning faces
to come tumbling down the stairs in the morning.

but they won't come

Easter will come around
and they will be waiting to see chocolate stained cheeks

but there are no baskets to hide

What do you do?

Where do you go?

Who will you be thankful for at Thanksgiving?

There's nothing to do...

but to push onwards.

I stare at the screen

seeing that you read everything I sent you.

99% knowing you'll never respond

1% hoping

Are you angry with me?

Or are you just being stubborn?

Are you just waiting for me to say something specific?

Or not wanting to hear anything?


There's to many questions with you

to many uncertainties

and not enough answers.

Where silence

once was a thing that never happened.


now is to the point where typing one word

sounds like an earthquake.

I was always scared of diving.

Yet the idea of swimming among the coral

and with the can't-be-real-because-they-are-to-beautiful-but-are-real fish

was way to appealing.

I dove in and never wanted to leave.

I could've stayed under the surface for eternity.

But there was never enough oxygen in the tank.

And when I was all out of breath

and there was no air to assist me

and so I choked on the very water

I had been dying to be in.

Just wait...

the perfect guy is out there

you'll find him someday! you just have to be patient.

But I was never a patient person...

It's nice to know we had it all

thanks for watching as I fall

I'm stupid,
it takes me longer to understand something then you.

When I'm halfway done with a problem set,
you're done.

Is it just that you guys are insanely smart?
I don't think so... there's others that do better.

It's like I'm constantly getting this message
that if I'm not the best
then I'm not going to ever have life.

I'm just taking my time for now...
is that such a crime?


Just don't isolate me and send a message

that I'm stupid and worthless.

Because I know that to some people,
I'm not

You don't understand...
you never will

Ever.

You don't understand that late nights
are all I have.

So what if it affects my grades?                                                          ­        (by the way, it doesn't)
At least I'll know that someone will hear me.
that someone will be able to relate

Because you never will.
As much as you think you do.

This is the only way to break out of my shell.
And if I have to fight you to get my hammer,

*so be it

I used to listen to softly playing music as i went to sleep.

Now I just fall asleep at the keyboard

waiting for an email from you

every night, i stare at the moon. Either looming high and bright in the sky's fabric, or low, partially hidden by trees, it's always there.

I would watch the moon slowly go through the phases, a solemn reminder of passing time
With each full moon came a sudden burst of excitement, it was the time to get everyone together and discover the moon for real through a telescope, and lay in the grass, star-gazing.

But the moon will always slip away in a goodbye, until all that's left are memories and drifting stars with no leader

until the next full moon

Have you ever thought the sun

as an orb of life?

When the sun sets,

it's ****** down a drain.

Although often gorgeous,

it's such a sad scene.

The sun rising is like

it has come back to life.


Every.

single.

day.


Just a reassurance that we are alive as well.

Bury me in a ship
Deep down in the ocean.

So that a coral could grow on my coffin
and colorful fish could stop by for a visit.

And something dead could create something beautiful.

It is just the past

that keeps

me coming back

"So I got this idea for a poem"

"Nono!!! You can't write that!
you'll regret it when he reads it"

Doesn't mean it's about him!!!

Freedom of Speech has more then one meaning

then being lawfully allowed to speak your mind.

And if it means you don't have to face consequences,

then that law is fake.

If you get Little Boy just a little angry,

or make an honest mistake,

BAM!

the nuclear power explodes.

And if you don't die from impact,

the radiation will **** you later

Smiles get harder

                            and harder to fake

                                                          as the day wears on

Maybe there a chance for us n-

no.*

I'm done.

No more "us"

no more useless hoping.

I know better now,

that'll never work no matter what.

This time I'm just glad I have my friend back.

I'm probably stupid for doing this,

but I just can't help it...

I'm a big believer in second chances,

but this is you're fourth.

I'll say this is you're last chance,

but I know if it falls apart again

I won't be able to resist

and we'll start at a new beginning...

again

A little dot of red appears on my cheek.

soon it is joined by others,

they grow from the scratch.

I watch as each one slowly becomes a bead

of rich red color.

They are so close together, that many merge

and become larger, heavy

to heavy to stay on my cheek.

I watch my face in the mirror as one by one

they roll down my cheek, leaving a stain

they reach the bottom of my cheek

and hang there for just a moment

before dropping to the carpet.

Joining old rust-colored dots decorating the white carpet.

A testimony to the pain hidden deep inside my soul.

I'm still waiting for a response

that I'll never get.

I think I've figured it out...
finally

I've started to actually see your flaws
not just the obvious ones,

every

single

one

I didn't before, it's weird how love does that
I even looked everything over when you cheated.

Is our friendship worth saving?
I don't know...
not if i need to kneel down to every little mistake i make

You make me tired now...
like a book i've read one to many times.

This saddens me only because there were so many happy memories with you
I have even already made you a birthday card a month in advance.

I guess that will be my goodbye...
Maybe i'll wait though...maybe i'll find something to cling to.

I think this is me being completely over you

I no longer get sad looking over our old chats
just indifferent.

Hope you don't read this before my mind is completely made up...
there still might be a chance.

But the book's ending is expected every time now,
and there's no excitement in it...
not even interest, i know everything now.

The hero doesn't get the girl,
'cause that's to cliche,
he didn't want her anyways
and the lost girl is never rescued.

That's the real ending...
not what's written in the pages,
but in real life.
I don't live in fantasy anymore.

And that's what you are,
so there's no point in trying.

Everyday, a tear is driven to the edge
'til it's about to fall off the edge of the cliff
it often does
I miss going to sleep with a smile on my face...
please come back

I used to be able to see my future
just as it was supposed to be

Get good grades,
work hard through hard classes
you come in and out of my life,
because i knew i loved you
but that it would never work out
graduate with high honors
and then take off from there.

I didn't count on it hurting so bad
when you left.
I didn't count on the fact
that i would become so confused
with every little thing going on in my life,
that grades would drop,
and so would my level of caring about anything.

Friends, family, grades, music, reading, the many smiles.
Everything that has been the focus of my life
everything i lived for.

But now there's nothing to live for...
what's the point?
my parents wouldn't have to pay for college
my friends all move away anyways,
at least, not the real ones...
grades? people get by without them
there will always be someone better in music
it's not like i'm going to make a career of it,
so why practice?

What will reading do other then learning?
it doesn't matter...
someone will always have read more.

This isn't a goodbye...
i don't know what it is...
but i know theres no purpose anymore
and this was the only way to say that.

There it is...
i wrote everything i ever felt about everything
and gave it to the world
I don't know if it was worth it,
or ever will be.

Now it's almost worse...
because I'll be waiting
with knots in my stomach
until i get a response

d
  r
    i
      p
d
  r
    i
      p

it slowly starts to rain...
forcing the cold to seep into my bones

you still aren't here
i've waited so long

d  d
  r  r
    i  i
      p  p
d  d
  r  r
    i  i
      ­p  p

you said you would be here
forever, just us

My feet start to get wet
i think i can see you in the distance

wait, that is you!

d | d | d | d | d | d
  r \ r \ r \ r \ r \ r
    i \ i \ i \ i  \ i  \ i
    p \ p \ p \ p \ p\ p


d | d | d | d | d | d
  r \ r \ r \ r \ r \ r
    i \ i \ i \ i  \ i  \ i
    p \ p \ p \ p \ p\ p

it starts to pour
and the sheets of rain cover you

where did you go?

**** YOU

yeah, I'm talking to you two.

the one time time and one way that i can be free

of your ****** up judgment

Oh sorry, did I offend you by swearing?

that's right, you guys have to be perfect

and no one else is perfect

especially* if they swear.

Guess that makes me a devil

So why don't you let me be and live in my own hell?

I wake staring at a tear-stained pillow

dark bags have formed under my eyes

i listlessly stare back at my reflection  in the mirror

i don't know that disheveled creature.

Drag a brush over my hair, but not accomplishing anything,

i get ready for another day

another day filled with the ghosts and echoes of my mistakes

and knowing i can never fix them

The thunder of the falls never stops

it is always hammering into my ears

the water never stops flowing endlessly, listlessly

a monotonus scene passing before my eyes

you never leave my mind and heart

I try not to lose control now...

because I know this time I won't be able to recover

once I burst

nos•tal•gia |näˈstaljə; nə-|
noun
a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations



happy personal associations...
                                                 ­                                                                                  ­         you
typically for a period or place...
                                                        ­                                                                last year...in love
a sentimental long or wistful affection...
                                                    ­                                                        my heart constantly aches
for the past...
                                                         ­                                                             *we had everything

Even hunched under a mountain of blankets

I'm still cold

"If she makes it though the night, she will survive," the doctor said.

I can hear her word faintly, in the sub-consiousness on my brain...

                                                                                                                                               coma

"When a heart breaks, it can cause the body to go into shock, and that can result in a coma, if the body can't handle it," the doctor tried to explain. "The risks are increased especally of the heart is still in recovery."

"Has she broken her heart before?" she asked.

"Not that we know of, she is always happy" comes the response.

if only they knew... i think..as i slip

completely

                    into
                            
                              obliviation

For a moment,
i thought you actually remembered

or maybe even cared

but that tiny crack in the wall that let in the sun's rays

is sealed with your angry words.

And i am left,

yet again

trying to find my way out of this
dark,
wet,
never-ending maze

as the tears stream down my face

Everyday the nostalgia washes over at dusk

everyday I go through chats from who you were

everyday I delete one... (at least)

everyday a memory is deleted

everyday a piece of you is deleted

everyday i realize i can't know the old you anymore

everyday Hyde slowly replaces Jekyll