I try to hold my heart together.
I can't keep doing it forever.
Everything is broken,
And everything is gone.

I let time pass,
But,
I feel every bit of pain,
All over again,
Every morning.

And I miss you,
And I ache for death.
I know that I am worthless.

Don't be afraid of the dark,
Little Girl.
The real monsters are people.
They can't get you here.
Don't cry into the shadows,
Dear.
They will not help you here.

Evil calls you a daughter,
He tries to hold your hand.
Evil kisses you so sweetly,
On that little red-head.
You cry into the darkness,
Terrified and spineless.
But darling,
You were bread in violence.

You were born to cry.
So learn to lie.

You always thought you were cunning,
Strong ego,
Too large a head.
I let you believe that I was ignorant.
You wanted that taste of freedom so badly,
No burdens, no remorse.
Getting away with what you do best.
I did not let you in,
I did not tell my secret,
I never neglected my intuition.
It feels so good to trust yourself,
Fall back on yourself,
Rebuild for yourself.
You will never amount to anything real.
You'll only live to your greatest exaggeration.
My life is literal.
My success is tangible.
You wither to **** without a fluffed ego.
Need someone to hold your hand,
Remind you to shut up and be a man?
*******,
It won't be me.
I don't have time to motivate a dead beat.

I always lose you,
But you are so easy to replace.
Many colors and patterns,
Yet they all work the same.
You are never near when needed,
And I need you the most.
You always hide in the shadows,
Waiting for me to find you,
But this relationship is so one-sided.
With flames that burn the weeds.
Of this I'm always in need.
You are only to be lost,
Lighter,
In the hands of me.

You stumbled into that old bedroom,
I pick my head up off the floor.

It's way too early in the morning,
Just past four.

I hadn't seen you since the day before.

"Where were you?
Where would you,
Why would you go?"

I have no right to question you.
You're a man and you'll do,
As men do.

I have no right to question you.
On repeat,
You could not lie to me.
I should know better,
Shut up,
And trust you.
If I could just shut up,
You would explain.
But I choose to yell at you about,
Everything.

That's you,
Passing blame,
Pacing around,
Coming down,
In growing aggitation.
Throwing it,
In my direction.

Liar, liar.

I need indefinite space,
Between me and that look on your face.

Smoking another cigarette on the balcony.
Smoke fading into the morning sunlight.

You've locked me out again,
It's cold.

I fall asleep above the grass,
And promise myself you'll sober up.

Hours later you decide to open up.

I want to drive my knife into your gut.

They're holding hands in the pouring rain,
Laughing together through the thundering.

This is what it's like to have freedom,
Clothes are soaked, but we don't mind.

"Why don't you girls go in to stay dry?"

"When one is in hell,
We stand by their side.
We go in it together,
And we come out alive."

Hands crossed and held,
We spin endlessly.
Long hair soaking up,
The summer rain.
We are best friends,
And it will never change.

Are you there..?
I always think you're listening.

It's got me censoring.

Perhaps my thoughts are just so loud,
You can hear them through the walls.
My own thoughts are not safe here.
I yell so loudly,
That only sleep can keep it down.
Only sleep,
When I scream at myself.
Sometimes yelling is the only way,
To keep the whispers out.

I know you miss me,
Shaking my *** into skinny jeans.

I know you kiss me,
In your mind, a thousand times.

I know you miss the smell of coffee,
Every morning,
And I know you miss,
the laughter in your ear.

Do you feel off center,
Without the weight of my head,
Resting on your shoulders?

Do you miss watching,
My ***** lips,
Part for your mouth,
Your tongue,
Your love?

I know you miss me.

The little girl convinced herself,
She was afraid of the dark.

The lights go out and her mind began,
Painting evil works of art.

The empty abyss of closet space,
She saw the outline of the boogyman.
She heard the movement under her bead.

Shapes unknown,
Throughout the space of her bedroom.
She watched for all the creatures lurking.

She felt someone watching back,
Waiting for her to sleep,
So they could attack.

And hiding beneath the covers served no solace.
Her thoughts were not her friends.

Creatures were coming closer in the night,
Scratching at her bed.

She wanted to face the danger.
She refused to be eaten blind.

I'm slurring my words,
And swaying back and forth,
Right here on,
Your front porch.

You've had enough,
But I want more.

You don't open your door.

I'll always want more.

Giving up,
I take a walk to the liquor store.
The clerk asks,
"Are you sure?"
I pay my fee, stumbling,
Fumbling with the dollar bills,
I earned dancing the night before.
I always want more.

I always want more.

I will claw away at my memory,
Dig beneath my skin is search of blood.
Proof,
That I am not dead.
I don't eat,
Just to feel alive again.
The shower is running,
I am,
On my hands and knees.

Empty me.

Day old drinking glass turned to an ash,
Cup,
And the week rolling by does,
Fill it up,
And,
I watch the dirt build on the floor,
Stains I see on every door,
I ignore.
Dishes fill the kitchen sink,
I do not wash,
I do not think.
I do not care to,
Clear the days mess,
I am the days mess,
I am the filth and damages.

Another cigarette to the glass,
Another ***** day has passed.

I do not want to be,
Here.
Garbage thoughts in my,
Garbage,
Mind.

There is no will to try and find.
I am the day’s waste,
I crave,
to **** time.
I aim,
To end mine.

To laugh with you again,
(A stranger called a friend.)
Wipe the cobwebs off my soul,
And recognize myself again.
I see such a light in you.
Sometimes I think you see it,
In me too.
It's hard to say,
In between this time,
And space.
But I try not to step,
Out of my place.
You have this way of making me,
Forget my ways.
But it's so nice to laugh with you,
These days.

A waste of my time,
Spending hours watching windows,
Watching cars go by, that are not you.
I wish I knew,
That when you said you would be here for me,
It wasn't the truth.
Can't you just stay in my arms a little longer?
Wrap them around me,
Just a little bit tighter.
Give me a reason to believe in you.
Everyone around me uses youth as the excuse.
This is basic math,
Follow along.
If you add a promise but omit an end result,
Subtract honesty,
And add blatant disregard,
You end up with one.
Two minus one is just you.
Tell the truth.
I see right through it,
My brain sees the deceit yet,
My heart keeps on believing it.
"You will walk through my door,
You will not leave my bed tonight."
It only takes a little consideration to make things right.
I won't keep up the fight,
For attention. Not tonight.

Playing with needles,
And body altering chemicals.

Trying to feel something real.

Pushing the boundaries of life,
And happiness.

This is how you accept yourself.

This is how you killed yourself.

I say the wrong thing,
In perfect moments.

My failures wait for me,
In the reflection,
Every morning.

Nightmares dance
Through my mind.
Pictures, motion pictures.
Often black and white.

My voice taunts my body.
I see every imperfection,
My voice will remind me,
To look,
Before I can forget.

My breath escapes me.
There is no room for air,
In,
Me.
I cannot inhale.

I cannot inhale.

She was buried,
Under years of neglect,
Dust,
And fragments,
Of death and sadness.
Greeting the sun,
With a hatred,
Finding no peace in her sleep.

Every man that laid possession,
Claimed to be her protection,
Left her,
Abandoned.

She stood only alone,
And crawled,
To build her own home.
While they tore down the boards,
And used them to cage her.

****** knees on the weekend,
She danced for more men,
And found solace in piles of cash.
So they taxed her,
And ***** her,
They did nothing to save her.

Cornered and lost,
Searching for hope,
In the mirror
Her own eyes a stranger.
Where was the light that made her?
Eyes sunken and black,
No voice,
Just a shrug off their shoulders.

They drained her,
And played her,
Used her and,
Forgave her.

She felt nothing at all,
They maimed her.
Shared her,
Left nothing to spare her.
She's over and done.

They won.

I step into the room,
Remove my shirt to prevent,
The evidence.

It's good for you, stay strong for me.
He says in a message.

But I can't hold off amymore.

This is my battle,
My world.

Crying on the bathroom floor,
Lost control looking for,
A way to keep sain.

On my knees,
Slowly,
Tickling my throat,
With a writing utensile.
Keep breathing,
Short, quick.
And let it release.

This will be over if you keep pushing on.
She says in a mirror.

This is the cost of perfection,
The pain of dedication.
My chest stiffens.

But you're my picture perfect.
He says in a message.

An image to fall for,
A frame of reason,
To get where you need to be.

But here I am praying to my porcelain.

Adding the bites of failure over and over,
In my mind.
Let it out,
Let it go.

All of my energy flushes away.
This picture isn't perfect,
It's held up in place,
Meant to be a beautiful mistake.

Failing all over the place.

I bet you're just beautiful.
He says in a message.

If beauty was tragic.

*This beauty is,
Tragic.

You ****** me,
In my parked car,

And then,
Wanted to disappear.

So you did.




So did I.

I don't know how else to show you.
As a daughter of yours,
You'd think my voice had power.

But I have no authority.

As you so choose to remind me.

Powerless to sway you.

I wanted the chance to see,
I wanted to fight and get angry.

Bad blood,
That bad blood pouring in between this,
We need to drain it.

I want to fight until you die.
So I can stand over your grave and say,
That I fought for your life everyday.

But I know the drugs will take you.
They already have you miles away.
They'll take you in death or in a cage.

They'll take you and break pieces of me,
That pain harbors deep within.

Did you not care or just didn't see,
The layers of **** you piled on me?
Years of drowning under your mistakes,
Your excrement of mental shame.

I just want to win.
I want to be perfect and impressionable,
So I can say that change is not impossible.

But I will be the one at your funeral,
******* the man I love by your tombstone.

Just to ******* over in death,
The way you did to me,
In life.

I'll stand at the podium and laugh,
Laugh because everything I did was not,
Enough.
So my efforts will be humorious.

I'll be mad as ****; insane.
But it won't matter,
You will never see the pain.

I'll be free when they lower you in dirt.
I'll be free but it will always hurt.

He held her in his arms,
Chosen.
She danced to the music,
Let go of all past,
Inhibitions.

She let loose and played the games.
He held,
The small of her back,
And let her fly.
But never too far away.

She smiled and leaned in for a kiss,
Darlin', I'm going to miss this.
God, is THIS what love is?

He held hands with a broken soul,
And she kissed his bruised ego,
And they never felt alone.
They only felt,
Whole.

Your eyes study me,
Searching for the signs that we are,
Still,
The same.
Do you see the years,
Gone by?
I can see you want,
To try.

Days play on through decades.
Another needle to the arm,
And suddenly,
The little girl who calls you,
"Daddy,"
Can't jump into your arms.

She's much to tall.

And she remembers that day.
In the Arkansas fall,
She waited for the moment,
When you emerged in the driveway.

She thought,
"Not today.
I won't smile and pretend,
Everything is okay.
I will not cry into your arms.
I will not jump for joy into your,
Falsly,
Loving arms."

She thought she might accept the change,
instead she might,
Punch you in the face.
She might bite your hands when you,
Predictably,
Grab her to examine her face.

**"The years change you.
Look at how you've grown."

The way into my love,
Is a revolving door,
Spinning endlessly in darkness.
Never closed, never open.
A limbo of expectations.
Heavy and with great responsibility,
To keep in motion.
They learn they'll never get inside.
They all get sick and hide.
Learn to ride,
I'm dying inside.

I can hear every word
you think.
It carves into my brain like a trail
of ink.
You're not so far away, but it's hard
to speak.
Who knew that these anchors would guide us
to sink.

You turned around when I fell from
the brink.

I still wear that diamond ring,
It reminds me to maintain,
My self respect,
As it is living proof that you didn't mean anything.

You didn't mean any of the things,
You said to me.

Like,
"I love you,"
And,
"You're beautiful,"
And,
"Breathe."

This diamond reminds me of everything,
You said,
But with little intent,
For it to matter.

This band reminds me everyday,
How easy I am to throw away.

But I promise I'll stay.
I'll stay alive and well to spite you,
In every way.

His rage ***** up into a fist,
Nobody loves me,
He says through his teeth.
A blow to his face, and then another.
Hitting himself is my punishment.

calm down

I hold his face,
It's soaked and burning.
Wrapping myself around him,
Protecting him from himself,
Screaming with whispers that
I've always loved you

He can't hear a ******* thing.

His arms are flailing
peeling me from him,
I'm locked, I won't let go,
And I'm telling him so,
But he can't hear a ******* thing.

"Nobody. Loves me."

Words fall flat and the air gets heavy,
He's silent, motionless.
The seconds are my punishment,
As his rage carries him to the stairs.

I hug myself,
Crying, again.
Why do you do this to yourself?
Pathetic.
Rocking, comforting my trembling hands,
His footsteps crack in the ceiling.
Bracing my body prepared to leave,
His footsteps weaken to the door.
I'm freaking out, I can't take anymore.
His first step is slow,
Then heavy and stomping,
He makes his way down..
And a shimmer of metal he holds in his hands,
Is put into a shotgun.

"Why don't you just, give that to me.
P l e a s e.."

At a crooked angle, it's in his head.
His eyes are empty.
My body is shaking, screaming,
dropping.
I close my eyes and
I can't ever open them again.

Pretend she is me,
Pretend I am the body,
That you need.

Dancing to the rhythm,
of that alien beat.

She's rolling and twirling,
Around you and for you.
With you and on you.
Those glossy eyes roll back,
In defeat,
And you want to feel more,
She's making you weak.

Your hands shake,
And she's breathing your soul,
Your breath quivers,
Trapped, in her control.
You,
      Are,
                    No longer mine-
            
                           anymore.



I close my eyes and pretend it was me.
Making you wetter,
with each ****** inside me.

I know it's the end,
  You make it easy to read,
     Because she stole your light,

*And ran back to the sea.

I have survived,
With only half of my heart broken,
With as much dignity as what's been taken, and
Hope as far as I can throw it.

I have trained myself,
To be aware of what is worst to come,
To close my eyes in darker times, and,

To know that I cannot be loved.

I have faced,
A rope that leaps to outer space,
A cliff with rocks and waves down at it's base, and
Held on to,
A crack head with my name.

Although the lesson that I learn is never the same,
The outcome remains.
I was ruined,
Painted smile to be seen.
Never seeing the rotting core to the depths of me.

Healing.

You must first fall,
To stand again.

Straightened.

Walk until your bones grow sore.
Keep moving through darkness,
Rain and snow.
Survive the thirst and hunger,
Keep moving your feet.
Remind yourself that,
You don't understand defeat.
Remind yourself that,
One day you'll find relief.
Keep pushing for miles,
And miles,
And miles.

Slowly you start to lose your mind,
You lose yourself,
Lose track of time.
The pain, the pain, the pain.
It distracts you from terrain.
Through woods and rivers and oceans,
Wade through and believe that it's worth it.
Dying with every passing day.

There was a day when I hated myself,
I hated my life and what my failure represented.
But you woke me up.
You pushed me everyday to love myself.
And still the things I hate,
You find a way to love.
You picked me up.
You made me weightless in the sun.
I had no choice and I couldn't resist,
I had to open up.
You brought this light into my vision,
Convincing me to make my dreams happen,
Concentrate that will to hate,
And make it work for me.
I can never fail to death,
With you to catch me.
I lived a life that made me scared of,
Nothing.
But for whatever reason,
Meeting you was terrifying.
Trusting you was petrifying.
You held my hand while I faced the fear,
You kept patience and maintained a pace.
You didn't throw it back at me,
Or rub it in my face,
Like a ***** who couldn't keep it together.
You saw that big-girl fight in me,
You held onto her and made her free.
You brought her back to me.
There is nothing I could do to repay you,
For saving me.
But I will love you everyday,
And I will fight like hell so YOU can see the day,
Where every one of your dreams,
Become our reality.
Baby, I'm not going anywhere.
We're a team,
Watch the doors,
I'll man the windows,
And lets **** any ******,
Who tries to infiltrate.

This is what empty feels like.
Drained.
We fought too hard for you to quit the race.

Staring me down and finishing that last,
Swig.
You ask me to open another bottle.

I don't want to open anymore of these bottles.
You don't want to fight anymore of these battles.
You just,
Want to **** me every night.

I just want to feel whole and,
All right.
Crying when you **** me from,
Behind.
Hiding my face,
Mistaking sobbing for satisfaction.

We're ending. We're over.
It's the same thing,
Old and worn tired.

We didn't crumble this time,
We didn't cry.

You've still gotta' leave my bed tonight.
I can't pretend that this is fine.

I can't pretend to be your ***** *****.
You never say "I love you" when,
We **** anymore.

Push my head into the pillows,
hold me
just hold me

Nobody holds me.

They all want to die.
Give it time.
I **** everyone,
Around me.
If I could take back those words.
If I could take back those words.

Sitting on a bench and telling her,
What I thought was best for her.
"Leave him."

I know best for no one.

He shot himself and she,
Hoards the pills,
I gave her for relaese.
Eats them to die in her sleep.

Survives.

Just to,
Slit her wrist come wintertime.
The sun is gone too long,
You see.
The warmth reminds her of Jamie.

And she's not the only one.

My father sits on his queen bed,
Opening that wooden box,
Storing old needles.
Methamphetamine and pain killers.
Hiding in that cabin,
In the woods,
Getting high and dying.
He thinks of the bench we sat on.

When I told him to die.
I told him it didn't matter how,
Or why.
I told him it would happen,
No matter if he did,
Or didn't try.
Prison was the only way,
To save his life.

That old boyfriend,
On the wooden stairs.
Eyes wide,
Bloodshot and high.
He held that gun and cried.
He held it to his head.
I screamed,
Bang.
I screamed.
I screamed.

I screamed.

Seconds were eternity.

If I could take back those words.

I ****, I ****.
I do not save.

I do not ******.

But love me,
And you'll wish for death in other ways.
I wish for change,
It remains the same.
Those who love me,
Absorb the shame.

Dying, dying.
Slowly, everyday.

Are you obsessing, anxiously?
Looking for a hint,
Of any affect you've served,
On my inner psyche.

I've got the truth on my side.
Delete your memories,
Erase me from the ashes,
That once served a,
Summer's dream.

Trying to forget me doesn't make me,
Incomplete.

I existed.
And time will remind you,
And time will fight you,
And time will remember me.

I move slowly day to day,
I don't recognize a smile,
For what it is.

Everyone is angry to me.

Everyone is angry,
And they're angry with me.

Everyone smiles nervously.

They know I'm on the edge,
I'm an unpredictable mess.

Step back, step back.
Don't get too close,
Don't let my failures stain your hopes.

Just a stroll along the moonlit river,
A train's bridge,
Far above the little town.
She talks of new horizons, so familiar.
"All of the open space,
You can see the horizon from here."

A long distance, and short time ago,
She saw no horizons,
She explained to him.

No opened glittering sky.
Smog and dust and steel mountains,
In the way of clarity.

True love trespassed on a train's bridge.

You saw I need space,

So you imprison me.

You attempt to lock me up,
Lock me out.

When I just need time to process,

You have this history,
Of a violence.

You kept me in a box,
You liked it when,
You made me feel small.

Perhaps it would work on,
Any other woman.

I am not,
Any other woman.

I should not be alone.

I wish I was not,
Alone.

These thoughts,
I do not trust them.

But they've made a home in me.

I wish you knew.

I wish I knew,
How to tell you.

I cannot form the words,
I need.
But you hold me by the hands,
And plead.

But I do not know how.
I do not know how,
To tell you:

I am a sad girl.

I am a sad girl.

These words are not mine,
Anymore.
This silence isn't fine,
Anymore.
There is no bed that is mine,
Never was.
I can go back to the floor.
Just waiting for the words.
"I do not want you here,
Anymore."

It will rip,
It will drag from beneath me,
This safety and security.
I wait for the moment,
Where you see me for what I am.
Sad,
Miserable,
Lonely.

Who can love a girl like me,
Wrapped in all this misery.

I'm too serious,
And you're not going to like it.

I need to be a little wreckless,
As my walls are closing in.

I set my house on fire,
And my will is running thin.

There is no way out of this,
Because I put myself here.

And as my destruction is unforgiving,
No hope lives here.

Pick a card,
And cut your pill.
Apply pressure to the middle,
Break it apart.
Shave the fragments to dust.
Clean, perfect lines.
Roll your bill.
Sniff.
Mind the drip.

And break apart.
Feel your soul try to find itself.

Fingers running up and down the walls.
Layers of dirt and crusted blood,
Build up in my fingernails.
These hands are not so frail.
Open sores and little motivation.
Climbing out from the bottom of this hole,
Gave bruises and cuts.
But I'm never going to give up.

And so the efforts may bring on weakness,
So tired.
But I look up to see the sunshine.
I see the inches bring me closer to,
The open air.
I chose to hold my head up.
Because if I look down,
If I look down to see the bottom,
I made into a home,
I'll forget to find the light.
I'll forget to fight for daylight.

I can go forever,
Searching the walls for smiles.
Higher.
You bring such a light.

If you can just keep smiling,
Everything might be alright.

"Give it a go,
Just hold it in, then blow."

Fly.

Cut straws remind me of that place.
The lingering smell gives me a headache.

Empty pens that we've misplaced..
Bring back the memories disgraced.

*Wipe that ******* smile off your face.

I'm sliding down,
Hard.

I can't fight this hill anymore.

I try to tell them but,
They choose to ignore.

I could scream for help and still,
be alone.

When it kills me,
When I'm dead,

They'll be glad it wasn't them.