you look at me from across the room
and I know exactly what youre thinking
we both run up the stairs
lock the door
and thats when everything comes off
but thats also when we come together

that was one of the best parts of us
you always made me crazy

we drove around the city at 1 am
and we made up stories about the people in the car beside us
we laughed together and talked about everything under the sun

I looked out the window and closed my eyes
and put my hands out the sunroof
letting the feel of the air between by fingers take me away

and I listened attentively when you talked about her
because I was genuinely happy for you in that moment
and I was content with being your friend

when we got home we sat on your bed
and you looked at me the way you used to

and for a split second I let myself believe that there was a part of you that still wanted me

and now im back at the beginning of the healing process

I read a post today that said
'you can't heal in the same environment where you were hurt'
and now im terrified

that I wont be able to move on
and that I wont be able to ever be happy
and I am terrified

because im back home
and I am immersed in everything that is you
and I am terrified

that I am going to be stuck in the loop of continuously loving and hating you

I used to love the mornings
but now they remind me too much of waking up beside you
watching you squint as the sun hits your face when I adjust the blinds
listening to you laugh as I jump on the bed
asking what plans you have for the day
I would wait forever for you to get out of bed
so that we could start the day together

now I hate the mornings
waking up alone
again
and
again
and
again
while you wake up beside someone that isnt me

and I am so angry
that you took away my favourite part of the day
and turned it into a time that I no longer look forward to

feeling something other than emptiness inside of me
a calming hum resonating throughout the body
and for the few minutes that I inhale and exhale
im focusing on something
other than you