I cannot see
my crescent eyes
draw lazy hallucinations
in front of me
it is simple
to ****** the deranged
from bottle to bottle
culprits may range
yet still valiant
and never faltering
at falsifying what is sane

I choke on what I'm afraid to know
questions all stuck in neutral
left idling on my tongue
while smoke drives
right
out
your
mouth
I wish I could tag along

clouds hang today
as if suspended by
the strands of insanity below

grid systems we live by
scattered blue dots
an infection to the soil
a parasite feeding on its own decay

the dozing sky reflected
on the back of this winding serpent
though it is evening
i travel with lights off
there is a wetness,
a presence,
an iridescent indigo
it makes me cry
for so long i've been following it
away from home
to anywhere but

going slower now
glancing into lit windows
houses full of souls i'll never know
missing each one more than the next

you eagerly bit right into me
exposed all I meant to hide
with one bite

but then you took another
and another
again

I know that the skin
seduces the taste buds the most
but I can only hope
that at least one of your teeth
chipped on a piece of my core

relation between fade & gain
is much the same

it's change

a fear that leaving your name
with the leaves
will leave me to feel deranged

all is black
reflecting nothing vital

squeezing a sponge  
for the last drop
of its golden mold

I keep asking
so you'll tell me I already know

swig some water
a wish comes to drown in a cup
that thick esophagus
has found an acquaintance
a burrowing burn is now at home
slow
persistent
a worm through a dirt hole

a mirror, if you must
sit not alone
but with yourself
until you face thy Self
otherwise
no one ever can
feel within
feel without
no other can then hand you doubt
to be mistaken as something
you think you need to keep

don't be too surprised
if you come home to find
the liquor cabinet relinquished
empty bottle in my right hand
thinking it's my first drink
picked up a box of toxins
I'll keep inhaling 'til the room spins
it seems I'm not too keen on living
distilled & fermented liquids
bring out all of my indifference

when it comes to the point of not even wanting to consume but suddenly that liquid is a river

there is no escape when each day gains another loss

I want to ****** my heart in hand out the window, allow the force of wind to flow through each chamber and recycle the hurt into fresh air to see me through another day with him

for what

together we've mastered it

he, the artist of acting and
I, the priestess of pretending

is one night
worth the four seasons?
because I've been struggling
to divide a line
through
the calls and the silence
between
the morals and the violence
and I still
have not
chosen a side yet

I crave the physical feeling
of you fleeting
but psychologically
cannot stand you leaving

he melodically sings (in)di(difference)stance
in every instant I attempt
to make him listen
while he knowingly stretches
all I have tried not to hope for
wires heat, then bend
& never are the same
again

words burst
with passionate honesty
all flowing
to the passenger seat
allowing them to sink down deep

footprints painted on your windshield
inevitably left a memory
at least physically,
if nothing more
and I'll remain grateful
for your impact on this world
is more than I could have ever hoped for

he wished her distance
were further
when I tried to step back
he pulled me in closer
assured me
I shouldn't retract
my hands from his lower torso
because the way my touch felt
allowed us to pretend
we had entered some parallel reality
where he was rendered free
to move about me
however he pleased
and though I was teasing
I remained ready
to make him feel completely at ease

for not only words
but also for ways to show you I care
since my actions and intentions
remain detrimentally disconnected

it comes down to the forgotten fact
that we are all animals
simply mammals
acting as though our bones were made of chrome
our hearts were made of stone
and our homes were made of gold
instead
we are born with a soul
that needs nurturing to grow
never with a bar-code
we are not produced to be sold
how do we dare be so bold?
titling ourselves the smartest creatures ever to roam
in actuality we've become programmed weticos
all competing to fit the same unfulfilling molds
and to reach our conditioned goals
we spend our time
stabbing needles down the soft skin
of mother natures irreplaceable spine
repeatedly
allowing her to bleed out
slowly
over
and over
but while we all take turns
leaving our mark
we forget that we are her
all lost
in our purpose

I can hear the flowers growing
in each moan of your breath
I can feel the breeze of your essence
while your body is pressed on me
your hair moves through my fingers
like wet sand
and the skin that I'm in
grins
like mad

I am not the type of flesh
to regret
the motion of fingertips
tracing my physical silhouette at rest
in ways even Schiele could not invent
still in knowing our actions are forward
I always hesitate to explain how I miss you

can you watch the sky?
I mean can you sit & give nature your time?
be still and listen
simply give her the patience she needs
instead of staying blind to life
scrambling for a screen to hide behind
too digitalized to care
if the moon is out tonight

the character who plays a part
of your own creation
pulled from the songs you sing
and the movies you've seen
no question now
an important role
in your imagination
appearing when applicable
ignorant of amicable
completely lacking
in empathetic means of relating
for an illusion will never be real

what the **** am I doing
and for how long
at what cost

stuck in all the unfulfilling
seeking the familiar under
every tombstone named "past"

if I met you now
I'd turn the **** around

a clouded aggression
a power
matching your fingers
stuck to my hips
reminiscent of disg(L)ust
what's the difference?

when you lick others
inside your head
the perfect dementia
of who you see unmarked
all ready for you
really the ones
who will never see you

keep me around
here is a fantasy
having absolutely nothing to do
with me

what seems so soft
can hit you heavy if you let it

and only through the unknown

will you freeze in its immensity
it, balanced
while you, unsteady

remain open
not hollow, but empty
allow space
to exist without you
within you

you've let the demons in
but you know that's not
where they really live
give your mind some time
to find a line
for those demons
to go stand behind
because your talent and heart
hold too much to waste
and to allow the hands
of defeat
to cup your face
means you've awarded
the opposition with first place
when actually
you've already won the race

stop assuming you know

what others think
what others feel
what others need

start understanding

what you think
what you feel
what you need

below me he sang a song
I can no longer sing along
a lover no more
he wants to ignore my hovering
as do I
a flight of stairs separated us
now it's everything else
I almost wish I had made some mistake
or he had smashed my heart to obliteration
because knowing we no longer
acknowledge each other
for no known reason
is like trying to move out of my own heart

freezing these moments
catching them as I saw you then  

I want you now

that sweetly stinging
presumptuous false outcome
I can feel it in my spit

your face has let me weep
for what I needed to learn
love was not in reach while
comfort remained at arms length

still I will not regret
our means of communicating
that I've never been moved by
though I understood your discomfort
I know I'll never have to embody it

within the spirits of
each soul warming,
love spilling being
in the form
of the only creature who could bring about
such pure ecstasy and terror

woman
is the land encompassing
her

each one pulsing with the waves
and crumbling with the pressure
we are these mountains
we find pathless pleasures
and canopied tremors
enticing all others
through winding woods and hidden beauty
unmatched in our power
our wild existence
this magic aligned with
the space between two limbs
to bear your first breath

let me be honest
I don't know how to feel
you took everything I thought was real
then placed it on your plate
for a meal

I guess you found my delusions appealing
and my sorrow sweet enough to eat
keep filling yourself with tasteless treats

maybe soon you'll choke on the truth
maybe you won't be able to breathe
so for a mere 10 seconds you'll experience
what I've been dealing with for years

the roots from which
I'd like to grow
no longer reliant on stunted malnourishment
nor the flick
of a tongue that spits
lie after lie
consumption as a vice
will **** you
self sabotage
is not welcome
in the space you crave
to call home

actually
not too sure of what's gotten into me
because you and I no longer speak
nor do we ever see each other
still
even though there is no longer "we"
even though her & him & he & she
keep telling me to leave you be
to not make contact to set you free...

it's a little sick
that I keep these notes from you
now serving me sick little lies
on imaginary platters
to remind myself that it was real
and more importantly, it mattered

it's true
fall never came
warmth turned into death
long before you unlearned my name
there is no fault, only
the soft plea of forgiveness
ringing out through all the grudges
I am left with

night can always be felt

by how heavy my heart
trudges through the left side of my body

by the lack of people
to connect to

by the amount of liquid numbness
******* my soul

by what type of loathing
my eyes decide to find focus on

by the levels of regret
raising like steam from my chest

I can tell you this isn't fear
it's the constant feeling
that I don't belong here
not in this time
not with these people

everyone going through the motions
except for the fact that they aren't

only I play these solemn charades

I cannot hold a conversation
for these conversations hold no weight

more than willing to not shy away
there is simply nothing natural
about living this way

each face glued to what rests on
the palm
the lap
the wall

rarely other faces

why does this feel like my downfall?

like snow come spring
so stubborn
remaining in place
resisting change
clinging to the surface
when all thats needed is time to breathe
trying to grow but the buds are frozen cold
waiting for a chance to bloom
true colors covered with monotone blues

I say plants dance with the wind
you say they struggle to stay still

ever since we met
grief cowers away with its
tail between its legs

falling back into
old ways of thinking
steadily
now, catching speed
returning
now, repeating
past habits
like saying, "I'm fine"
without blinking
haven't seen
anyone in awhile

all I'd ever hear
is the same old chatter

not a pinch outside this redundant realm
of what is programmed into your cerebellum

how are you even remotely entertained?
by the same plain, tame conversation

day after week after month after year
so young but still I fear

to live a life that has been already
I need more

see I exist solely to reflect all light
no 9-5, no thought of a house-wife

with so many others fulfilling the norm
means a greater space is left to chart the unknown

a wish
to live above the clouds with you

to love
to feel

with you the wind

each humbling howl
each growling hymn

with you within