I watch you leave
And I am done with seeing backs.
Tired of handing my heart
To the hands of fragile spines
Who colour their lives within the confines of cowardice;
I watch you leave for the last time.

Reluctantly,
I exhale the part of me that became entwined with you.
I am worth more than anything that isn't sure
I am worth staying.

We left pieces of ourselves inside the pit
We had no choice but to leave behind,
It was die there together
Or barely find our way out alive.

We emerged,
Found ourselves still breathing.
But bruised, battered, broken.
And worst of all,
Without each other.

You roll your eyes
Tut at me
Like I've somehow forgotten my place
Suddenly too big for these lines you drew around me
And now I am a threat  
Words like razor blades
Of truth and equality
Too sharp for you to swallow.

But it was you.
It was you who forgot your place long ago
When a woman's right to defend herself
Was deemed less important than your ego.

I will always burst out the seams
Of these stitches that spell compliance
You thread into my female skin.

I collapsed into this little girl fantasy
I didn't even realise I knew
Missing from me even when I was a little girl
And yet all of a sudden I was lost
In fairytales
Dreams of happily ever after
Foreseeing your name next to mine
And other names
Fit for tiny feet
Envisioned a future
All green eyes and curly hair.
But it wasn't just my mind
It seems our bodies did too
Kind of funny now isn't it
How everything envisioned it but you.

I arrived earth shattering
Nails in my heels
Ready to crack concrete
Unwilling to be moved
Feet firmly on the ground
With a stubborn dignified silence
Or a speech I'd rehearsed
For the past three years
Unsure of which I might need.
He sits down in front of me
Gaze avoiding
Looking as if he can already sense the bitterness
Already feel the heat
Of all the space between.
He orders something unfamiliar  
And I wonder if it tastes like regret
Finally drinking down the consequence
He poured for us both
All those years ago.
In his face I sense a shame
And I think I'm supposed to be smug
That this is supposed to be the retribution
I craved for so long
This meet -
Him, with his cup of bitter
Me, dealt a dose of sweet.
I'd always envisioned this was the time
I'd finally taste some vegence
But all that's here is bittersweet
Saturating the space around us
Like there's no way to divide.
He musters some courage to look at me
Green eyes pierce
Just as fiercely now as they did back then
Stare right through the pupils
To the insides of the girl
Who's heart he ripped from it's chest.
I can't even fight it
It so immediately burns through
All the pain
All this strength and all this healing
Every scrutinised thing
I'd spent the last three years dealing with
The never ending proverbial glue
I'd used to forge myself whole
Suddenly becomes redundant
These cracks shining through.
My feet are no longer steady
I've forgotten all that made me reborn
I was supposed to find my voice  
Salvage this final rise
With an opportunity to bask in integrity
And finally leave it behind.
Instead I am 22 again
Mesmorised
Stomach churning
He always did have the ability to melt the ice
I built myself on
Like no one else I've ever met.
I hold his gaze a little longer than I should
He reads my eyes like a familiar book
And I know this game
And how it ends
But my heart is thumping his name against my chest
So loudly
It drowns out all the memories and words
I've sat with every day since he left.

I purposefully forget to remind myself
That he's the worst idea I ever had
Because I'm staring at his lips
And all I can think about
Is how much I want them on mine.

His mouth always did taste like hope.

We loved hard and fast,
Grasping always and never quite getting enough,
Hands clawing at each other
Like they constantly needed more.
These days like ****** highs,
Injected right into the veins and possessing all existence.
Bodies entwined.
Hearts tangled and mangled.

Most days,
I still feel like I'm in rehab.

I know.
I know it feels like your body is disintegrating,
How it aches in places you didn't even know existed;
That you want nothing more than to rid yourself of this skin that burns with loss in every fragile movement.
Your heart and mind are betraying you.
Bones incapable of carrying around this
Palpable heartbreak.
The infrastructure
Of everything you had carefully built
Shattered beneath your feet.
I know it seems like the walls are closing in,
Cornering you,
Suffocating every airway
Until you cannot see tomorrow through the darkness.

Darling
Be patient,
I promise you'll find seeds of recovery amongst the rubble -
Your stems of self worth were never rooted
in anyone's actions but your own,
Your flowers never fed by anything but love for yourself.
Your crushed spirit will break through
These confines of hopelessness
To blossom, once more.
Nurture your growth
And protect it like a diamond;
Cover it in gold.
For you will never own anything more precious than this existence.
You have all the minerals you have ever needed
right there inside of you,
Blood flowing like lava,
Fire burning through your veins since the day that you were born,
Strength emanating from your core.

I know.
I know you're struggling to find the light
But in this darkness you begin your healing.
Remember all that you are
And all that you have been through.
You are loved in ways you can't even imagine
And will grow to love, once more.

Darling
Be patient,
For you are as tenacious as the sun,
And every sun will rise again.