Alex m

Alex m Jan 2018

Be more of a girl, what does that mean?
If I feel pretty in my oversized clothes what must I change?
In order to fit into this world must I also fix your simplistic aesthetic?
I am not good enough to please you and cause you to question my sexuality
When in fact there is nothing for you to approve
No check list for you to look at making me the "proper lady"
That is not your choice to make, but mine
And if you can't accept that then I don't need you
Your negativity is unwanted in this already pessimistic world
There is only one of me and I will not be controlled by your "ideals"
Instead I shape my own because if I don't feel comfortable in my own skin while fitting into your cookie cutter image
Then what is the point in living at all?

Alex m Dec 2017

Lost But Never Forgotten

Today someone important to many was lost
Behind his bright smile was something started cracking inside
Being unable to see it others were unable to take note of it
He suffered on is own and the cracks formed into large breaks in his heart
When no one knew he was hurting the most
That once bright smile has now turned into a cold straight line
The smile that he left in our hearts will never be forgotten
It is not his fault for he fought his hardest

Someone that I have looked up to for many years just as others have died today. He was 27 and always seen as a bright person, but suffered from extreme depression. This hurts my heart to no end and thinking about it more has caused more pain in my heart. He will be greatly missed

#jonghyun #shinee #loss

Alex m Dec 2017

What Did I Do?

Being different has changed recently
Some see it as something positive but I can’t get the pain out of my heart
All of those year being looked down on and hurt
I was short so they tried to break my bones
I was considered “cute” so they cut my hair and made me black and blue
If they knew that I had become broken they would win
But I couldn’t do it and had to leave
Leaving that place didn’t help because they came after me
Holding me down and pelting me with rocks
“Why don’t you scream ****”
What did I do to deserve that?
I tried to be nice, stay to myself, and work hard
Why did they have to hate me so much for it?

Alex m Oct 2017

Fear

When anyone asks me what I fear I normally say clowns or blood tests
Both of which are true but they are neither one of them is my biggest fear
What I fear the most in the world is being left along
The reason for this is because when no one is there I feel that I am not here
I don’t want to disappear or not be remembered
When I don’t make a sound, I feel this emptiness
Every time I stay don’t make a noise I feel more and more people looking through me
Instead of at me
People say I am imagining it and I would like to think that is true
But it is hard
I am the one in the group that it wouldn’t matter if I was not there
When I say something, it is looked over without a thought
I am scared that it will always be like this
But then I wonder if it would matter if I disappeared
No one notices me anyway so what difference would it make
I am invisible whether I say something or not
When I do not text they don’t text me
They don’t care about my presence
Maybe it is just better to stay silent
I can be forgotten and not bother others

Alex m Oct 2015

Turn Back

Right now everything hurts and thats ok
I can take it I've had much worse before
This pain I feel might never go away
But it's worth it for the joy I once had
I remember those days full of laughter
Those days that I though nothing could go wrong
I wish I could turn back the clock
But now I am here in the dark
This place that I can't get away from
Why did you have to get up and leave my life
How is that fair to me
I wanted you to stay and never leave my sight
But of course you couldn't hold on for me
You had to end it and make it so that no one could reach you
And now there's no turning back for you
Now I am just left alone to stand in the dark again
After being in your light for so long the darkness is so cold
Now I am just left to write down my memorize until I fade away too

Alex m Sep 2015

Scared

For the days that I have been alone I am scared
Scared that I will always be alone
Is there a reason that it is this way
Have I done something to deserve this
Does it not matter that I have tears streaming down my face
The only ones that are ever noticed are the ones with the smiles and bright eyes
I guess I have found what I need to do
I need to cast away the self I know and put on a mask and costume
This mask and costume are the shields that protect me
Keep me safe inside the walls I have created
I continually push people away even though they wish to be close, or at least that's what they say
Those people that say they are there for you but then leave in a split second and try to consume you
They make you feel not good enough to be here and this can cause one to think
Maybe I am not
If it weren't for me everything would be fine and everyone would be happy
This is scary to think about but what if what I have found is true
*They don't want me

Alex m Apr 2015

You

Through all of the tears I have cried I still see you
You are always standing there with your bright smile right in front of me
I wish that I could see that smile forever but I fear I am not strong enough
My heart hurts and I am beginning to slip
I wish I could tell you...
Hold onto you...
But instead I will dry my tears and paint my smile back on
I will stay in the darkness while you continue to be the sun