Looks like I'm stuck again
The everyday struggle
Of ripping my melted shoes from the pavement just to spin
Spin spun spin I'm spun again
I think the walls can move
Closeted Little men, who knew
Ya the walls can move
I just havnt figured out they open
But still theirs time to prove
I'm not crazy I say
Well the doctors of diagnosis
Think a different way
Schizophrenic, bi-polar
Outside induced psycholors
But I know I'm sane
And the voices I hear agree
That I hear on a higher frequency
One special that was made just for me

I step back and pause for a moment
So I may try to  understand this destructive path
I call my life
Like a light house
I only work when I burn bright
But it seems so many
Force me to fight
I fight my family
Cause they think they know best
But they don't know the struggle
When you don't have a home
Where your head can rest
They don't understand the need
To be high
To feel so human-less
I don't contribute to society
By working for minimum wage
I'm too busy
Out here on the streets
Playing the game
But unlike others this game is no joke
It’s a constant battle
To stay just above broke
Most of my meals
Come from dumpster
Or kind folks
The life of an addict
Living on the streets
I would wish Upon no one
Living each day in defeat
Praying for a way out
Praying that I’m not too weak

I know you are here
Or so I think you were near
My eyes would deceive
If it were you
That I should see
Because you are
Constantly and indefinitely
with me
But you are not me
That is the most important part of all of this
That I KNOW
I KNOW
That your whisper inside my head
The voice I so very much dread
so many times wishing I were dead
Why You ask?
For once no reply
So to not tell a lie
Five years has passed
And I still so clearly hear your Wine
But I'm scared of your silence
These voices I'm soo used to
Create these thoughts of violence
It's tiresome
Trying to succeed

The unpredictable anomaly’s of my existence
Living each day in pretense
No one these days
Have any ******* common sense
this mainstream **** makes me cringe

Talentless nothingness
Disrupting my silence
It’s all the same just more drugs and violence

I want to live more spiritually
But my demons inside quietly creep
Convincing me that I am weak
I’m soo sick of being a ******* freak

Hearing voices means your crazy
If your scared to live
That means your lazy
I choose to live my life hazy
Because this pain you cause
Completely drains me

Do you know the difference between
Wrong and right
Just because its a law
Should you follow with blind sight
Really take a look at every law
Do they all make sense
You know ****** created laws
Laws that should make you cringe
These lawmakers have but one goal
to line thier pockets
And keep thier bank accounts full

If we are truly free
Then how come we can go to jail
If we smoke a little ****
This is obscene
Smokin a little **** has never hurt anyone
But it’s ok to go drink a 1/5th of *****
And **** someone with your car
Or get alcohol poisoning at you local bar
More people die due to alchhol each year
Than every illegal drug combined
So if you follow every law
You have no idea what’s right or wrong

Just sheep following sheep following
An orange idiot puppet
Being used by people with real power
Power most can’t even begin to comprehend
Our world is doomed because the world is 50% sheep, 49.5% other sheep and 0.5% woke( but the woke have been ****** with and suppressed and discredited and forced addictions and confusion and straight psychological torture through auditory, tactile, and visual hallucinations and beat down and used and stripped of any financial status so they can’t rise up and take down the evil powers that are in control of this world, keeping the sheep sheep and laughing at the rest of us as we trying to figure out some way to make life better but a couple ants against a bully with a magnifying glass,
The best way to put it is WE ARE ALL ******, see you back in hell(earth) after they **** us, use our soul however they please, give our soul amnesia and send us right back to hell(earth) just so we can do it all again. Oh and I’m 99% sure thier is no GOD and if there is he is either a sadistic ****, or he is both GOD and the devil so don’t ask him for help cause he doesn’t give a ****. Especially if you are me. I have only really asked for one thing from him. One thing that really isn’t that difficult. The one thing I want no need back In My life but god doesn’t ******* care and she is never coming back so I plan to live my days in a haze preparing for a short life and a quick death.)

I love you Michelle. Please come back, please
I made a mistake but we are human we make mistakes. Don’t throw away six years because of one mistake. I honestly don’t see a reason the live if I’m not with you. I don’t want to live if I’m not with you. Honestly the only thing that has kept me from slitting my wrists(the right way this time) is this little tiny bit of hope I will get you back. But with every passing day that hope is fleeting and death seems more and more likely my future than a future of a beautiful life with the only woman I have ever truly loved. Oh and one more thing, **** GOD **** the devil **** addiction **** temptations **** alcohol **** that orange ******* senile ******* we call president **** family who won’t believe you when you try to tell them your truth **** all the judgmental wealthy sheep who haven’t struggled a day in there life but think they have the right to look down on someone who wasn’t born rich and last but not least the biggest ******* of all, **** analytical skitzo aka Alex for literally every stupid thing you have done the biggest being losing Michelle. You had happiness in tour grasp and you pushed it away because you believe you don’t deserve to be happy subconsciously I guess. FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKFFUUUUUUCCKKFUCCKKFUCKKFUCK
****­IN **** FUCKBUCKET ******* FUCKSDOODLE DO **** NE AND ESPECIALLY ******* **** THIS WORK BECAUSE THE ***** OF THIS WORLD KEEP ******* UP AND MAKING ******* LIFE FOR EVERYONE ******* DOOMED. And all you ******* PANSIES out thier **** is just a ******* word, it hold no ******* power over you unless you let it ******* hold power over you. No one can make you feel only you control you. I obviously need to work on that a lot myself. Rant rant rant I bet none reads this whole thing.
IF YOU GET TO THE END PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THE COMMENTS THAT YOU READ IT ALL IM CURIOUS HOW MANY WILL ACTUALLY READ THIS WHOLE THING. Thank you very ******* much

It's funny to think
My thoughts are in my control
Not constantly manipulated
By deaths outward pull
Every new idea from the first to the last
Has already been thought out
By a being from the past

I want to know the truth
No matter what the cost
If all my darkest secrets are revealed
Knowing is worth more than the loss
seven years of torture
Not knowing why it’s there
Going back and forth with sanity
It’s almost to much to bare
No matter the outcome
Wether my dreams come true
Or become nightmares with the truth
I know I will be ok if I have to wait
I just have to stop being a complete *******
And Everything will be ok
I know I’m not perfect
And I can always do better
But my intentions are good
And I’ll try to control
My stormy weather
There has been good with the bad
I feel my struggles strengthened me
And who I am makes me glad
Because after everything
I still love me

were near the end now
do you feel proud
destroyed an innocent life
now I'm headed for the clouds
but in the end i win, cause i get to look down
as your souls burn beneath me
On the ground
"triangles are my favorite shape"
well i prefer a line cause at least its not fake
yours ends at a point
while mine continues to create
my life wasn't yours to take,
to bend, to mold and to retardedly reshape
you ****** up, that was your biggest mistake
must be sick of jerry springer
I'm your patsy
but really I'm the ringer
your little bee sting hurts
but ill just pull out the stinger
cause I'm a wasp *****
i don't die after one attack
ill be coming strong to take my life back
mind tricks and drug trips
gave you all control quick
your a coward you make me sick
bleeding me dry like a little tick
******* others life force to survive
you enjoy the demented ride
Because soon I’ll flip this life to the other side
Where I’m in control
And you get tortured until you wish to die

Is their a heaven
I sure hope so, cause I know their is a hell
It’s called earth
Constant pain, waiting to die
Or are we just waiting for rebirth
I try to maintain
I try to abstain
But my vices have taken
All I have once again gained

I thought she would never leave
Our love was/is so deep
I definitely don’t deserve her
Michelle your like a dream
But now it feels Like a nightmare
Without you I feel so scared
I hate that i had to lose you  
To realize how much I love you
How much I need you
How I don’t want to even breath
If your breath doesn’t breath with mine too
I feel like a ****, and I know I did soo much to hurt you
Honestly I know I 100% don’t deserve you

I just have to try to live my life
Fight my demons one more time
These voices are soo loud  
But my love for you brings silence
And your love for me
Turns all that is dark to light

I hope you can forgive me
I don’t see a future without you
I know the man I can be
I want to treat you like my queen.
I don’t know what else to say
I just have never felt a pain this great
And you know I’m bad at talking
About all those difficult but important things.

My perception of reality is unclean
Stuck somewhere in between
I hear what you are saying
But you voice within me is not me

I have developed trust issues
Which is huge
I used to hand out trust
Like I had nothing to lose
Until I lost it all
I don’t blame just you
I am largely at fault
I know my choices
Caused this historic fall

I’m almost positive I’m not crazy
Their must be an explanation
Why your voice won’t let me be
I just want to be free
And I want to be clean
I need to know these last 8 years
Wasn’t just the sound of wind in the trees
And the occasional tweak

I’m diagnosed schizophrenic
Caused by drugs and genetics
which logic would have be believe
If it wasn’t for all the coincidences
The control of my internet
And all my electronic devices
I have seen proof
That something powerful
Must be behind of all this

I’m largely held back by not knowing
Plus the constant torture
God you voice is soo annoying

My Messed up mentality
Tells me the drugs makes you more seen
Or it just makes it easier
To trick a tweaked out mental freak

I want to believe that you have my best intentions
I want to be content with having no control
I have always believed the outcome
Of all this pain with be great
I struggle with your torture
All your lies and deceit
Making me believe it’s my time
Just to pummel me to defeat
I don’t understand how you can say you care
And then completely destroy every part and of me

Since I have no control
I’m trying hard to except
That you know what’s best to do next
But my hope is fading
I honestly don’t feel much of any left
So please if you can’t be revealed
Just try something
To help my hope refill

Every human on earth
Strives for one thing
from money, to power
Or it might just be fame
But what we all crave
And is the hardest to obtain
Love is the answer
The only prize worth the game

I feel soo fortunate
For I have found love
It has happened before
But this time
I have faith from above

I am soo lucky
That you
Came into my life
So many battles
Yet we proved we could  fight
you put up with me
And my recurring mistakes
You always help me through
Doing whatever it takes
if I were to lose you
My life would cease to exist
Ya together forever
Is my life’s only wish

I’m soo out of touch with reality
It seems I perceive my life as a tragedy
I want to gouge out my insanity
To find just one whole piece

I feel so divided
Between addiction and my dreams
I know what my life could be
I want to focus on the the good in me
But the bad can scream so loudly

I’m such a ******* coward
I want my life to change b
But this fear I have in side of me
Fear of anything that is strange

They say everyone has demons
An evil voice inside the brain
Mine have come into their own
Getting harder to maintain

I believe one day I’ll have the courage
To put my life on track
I worry if it doesn’t happen soon
I won’t have much life left
To get back

Decide what?
To be clean?
To live with this torture?
You obviously know and could do something to help, but I know you won’t
How am I supposed just keep living a normal life as a sheep
Spending all my time and energy for money
A piece of paper that controls us all
Waking up each day to your voice
Always there
ALWAYS THERE
This NEEDS to Stop NOW
you can’t show me what you have shown me and the expect me to just go back to normal

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME

Tell me and I will do it
Anything
To make this stop
ANYTHING
ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING
AT ALL
Just disconnect
Or make all of this make sense

I fear something big Is about to come to an end
I have begged for answers but not one
you could lend
I am soo scared and rightly confused
From all your mind tricks and abuse
I’ve had many theories
From angels, to alians to mechanical tricks
But I think I failed the test
and it makes me sick

I have an affliction
We call it addiction
No matter my hate
I still love the take
I believe i am good, a riotous man
But when the drugs take a hold
i go from good to bad
They bring out desires
That I never new I had
I need to regain my strength
And find healthy hobbies
Or I fear when I die
I will end up waiting in hells lobby
I hope these 7 years were not a waste
I know I can do it
I have what it takes

Tonight I am being shamed
For doing no wrong
A healthy act
That I did all on my own
My room was warm so I opened my window
But my blinds were fully drawn
I heard some sounds
While I performed
A stranger had joined to
I guess watch the action
Made there presence known
But with no much reaction
I kept my stride because
Who of us two was in the wrong
Me in my room all by myself
Or the one to creeped up to my window
What a disgrace
but I didn’t stop, I finished my task
Because the one who was outside the window
Didnt know and didn’t ask
But I am fairly certain for the past 10 years
Everytime I Masturbated
There has always been at least one pair
Of eyes and one pair of ears
And I’m just ******* sick and tired
Of trying to live my life
Handicapped by someone outside
Trying to control me with thier
Shameful words
And trying to control me with fear

So I just **** and and finished the job
Because I knew that I wasn’t doing
Anything at all wrong