And again
I made the mistake
of holding you.

Smokescreens of
unattainable luxury
dissipate.

Like tears you can't wipe away,
my feelings
were here to stay.

It's disappearing
and rotting
and the world will stop again.

In a tale like this
my happiness
is unheard of.

"See you then, okay?"
Please don't go away.

"I really had fun."
You were never just "anyone".

"Things will be the same, see?"
I didn't want to be...

Take a deep breath.
Count to ten.
The only way.
In a second I'll feel
the chill of a blade
creeping down my skin again.

You know,
I find myself saying
"I'm sorry"
quite a lot.

Back then
apologies were beat out of me,
so now they just bleed out
from the scars
on their own.

I can't lose a chance
you never gave me in the
first place.

Am I really
content with this?
The things I would do,
to be anyone else.
Anywhere else.
At any other time.

The things to change
are countless
and innumerable,
but it could all be fixed
if what changed
was the direction of your gaze.

If I could change
the direction you look,
to be seen by you,
maybe then I'd find it in me
to change myself.

Is it wrong to grieve unhappiness
in the same way it's wrong to boast achievements?
I want to live, but I'm told to die.
I want to die, but I'm told to live.
Is disappearing an option?

You confuse me.
I know you'll never like me
but I can't stop the enjoyment I feel
when I say
I love you.

I craved your attention,
but you weren't too eager.
No one else's will work for me,
I'm too much of a picky eater.

I've stopped fearing death
long ago.
However, that is not to say
I quite adore life.

No, I've died many times.
You've broke my heart,
suffocated me,
and stabbed me.

And when it's all over,
you'll resurrect me once more
by whispering your quiet
reassurances.

Death
is taking
a lifetime.

Good things come to people who deserve them,
and good people deserve happiness.
I wonder
if I'll have to wait for long,
or if it was never meant for me
at all.

My brain and my heart,
just can't agree with each other.
Trying to get them to play nice
has my thoughts and emotions
in the gutter.

I've always tried to help,
but when I'm in need,
your help was always
needed elsewhere.

I'm sure
things will come to an end one day.
Whether by my hand
or God's.
But until that day comes
I'd like to stay with you.

I'm not a great writer,
not a deep thinker,
not even thought-provoking.
I'm just some kid,
some kid who's hurting.
My writing could never
meet your expectations.

This is really unfair.
You're blessed with a pretty face,
and yet I can't even see my reflection
without being revolted.

I fear one day
you'll no longer need me,
and once again I'll be tossed aside.
Usually this wouldn't be
any different.
But,
I like you.
Please, keep me.

At somewhere past 3
in the morning,
my feelings trickle.

Down my face
and down
my arms.

I stretch towards
what I believe to be
the sky,
past this gray ceiling.

And yet these hands of mine
will never find
a single thing to hold
and call "mine".

It's not that I
don't know
the words I want to say.
I'm only worried
you won't listen to the feelings
I wanted to convey.

Why are the good feelings,
always the ones that hurt.
I hate "love".
I give but never receive.

I'm in pain.
My head pounds terribly,
my legs shake uncontrollably,
and there's a gaping hole
in my chest.

But I can laugh,
although my eyes are saturated
with tears that sting.


I can finally laugh,
because giving up
on everything like this
will set me free.
Right?

"You're ugly."
"And mean.
"You have acne."
"And bad grades."

I'm not your punching bag.
We all have flaws
and I've never bullied you for yours,
so won't you leave mine alone?

For you,
the person I've adored.
From me,
the one you've probably abhorred.

I want to apologize.
I'm sorry for liking you.
You would never like me like that,
and I knew that too.

So I'm sorry,
for the late nights
and the early mornings.
Things could have gone different,
I thought they might.

Simply put,
I thought the idea of "us" was great.
But somewhere in me,
I knew you couldn't relate.

So I'll write this,
for You.
To the one who will never see this.
But the one I most want to, too.

So this,
is from Me.
My endearment was true.
And you know,
I think I'll keep falling for you too.
From Me,
For You.

Seeing your smile is free,
but it's worth a lot.
I can't put a price on your laughter
but it's priceless to me.

You wanted a friend.
And I wanted to apologize
for wanting more.

My heart is so full of feelings.
Head full of thoughts.
I showed them to you,
now my eyes are full of tears.

I'm glad my problems
are a joke to you.
But I'm not so lucky
to be able to laugh them off too.

"You're always so happy!"
Every time you say that it gets harder
to distract
myself from the fact
it's all just an act

Happy friends are always
a pleasant sight to see,
but how quickly that sight sours
when I realize they'll still be happy
without me.

My energy's gone,
my throat's dried up too.
Wasted everything,
just to try to talk to you.

I just wanted you to hear me.
Please, listen.

Once upon a time,
I wanted to give you my heart.
But now,
I'm begging you to take it.
Take it before I
tear it out myself.

My heart's practically
beating out of my chest
whenever I'm around you.

I'm not flustered,
I'm scared.
My heart pounds terribly,
so please,
stay away.

I wanted to help,
I really wanted that.
But I guess you only saw me fit
as a doormat.

There's a
hole in my chest.
Looking into it leaves me
with unwavering fear
and unrest.

It doesn't go right through,
and I can do naught but lament
the fact that inside
there's only a whirlwind
of torment.

Fueled by the
fragility of my brain,
it tears me apart,
leaving me
barely sane.

I know it's okay
if you don't need me,
but I always wanted to try
and help if need be.

It's hard for me to do it
without making mistakes
and I wish I could hear you say
"it's okay".

You might never know
how I feel,
but it's better this way.
I'll keep doing my
best
every day.

So, I know you don't need it,
I just don't want you to feel alone.
Even if I'm only me,
I can at least say
you're not on your own.

You might not ever see this,
and I don't mind,
But if you do,
please just know
I only want you to be fine.

In a world,
where I could go anywhere I wanted,
how long would it be
until I didn't want to go anywhere at all?

In a world,
where I didn't have to be an outcast,
would I be able to accept
the kindness in the first place?

In a world,
where everyone listened,
would I be able to think
of the right words?

In a world,
where my self-made scars didn't have to be hidden,
I wonder,
would I have any in the first place?

In this world,
the world of reality,
life is harsh
and filled with struggles.

In this world,
I'll leave this message.
If I were to die now,
may my words never fade.

I'm translucent,
as if I were an apparition.
I had always thought
you were looking through me.
I see now,
that you were looking past me instead.

It's not poetry.
Everything I write is a maddening
thought spewed, almost saddening
to watch. And I claw
at my brain to get it out, and gnaw
on the nails I bite between shouts.

Poetry is beautiful
yet my words are ugly,
to call it righteous
would be untruthful.

My pain's no good
it's a non-art with no use.
It's not art to me,
but what does it mean to you?

I'm sorry,
I never meant to get jealous.
I just wish you noticed me,
as much as them.

I know you try your best,
to be of use.
But every kind word
only tightens the noose.

Anyone can laugh off your problems.
But it takes someone special
to get you to laugh away your problems
as well.

I hate liars.
That's why I couldn't
forgive myself
when I told you it was okay.

Life goes on.
But at this point,
it's going to have to
go on without me.

I love to listen,
even if my company
can't substitute
what you're missing.

I can't help anyone
in real ways.
And soon enough
with me, you'll be done.

I love to listen,
but now it's strange, see?
Why is what I'm hearing
starting to sound a bit like me?

I know you're wondering,
If anyone's listening.
I know, the thought of being unheard
is sickening.

But keep writing.
Keep singing.
Keep talking.

I hear you.
We hear you.

I've only lived in pain
so I can die in peace.