from dawn until dusk
she is there
just behind my eyes
making house in my mind

perpetuate
create
driving nails and opening holes
breathing trembling guttural throaty growls
withheld
but only for so long
there will be a saturation point as always
it will build and build and build to bursting
it’s almost there
volcanic in its violent heat

when one hole closes
another opens
and it does so now
i am promptly swallowed up

this world is crumbling around our ears
thankfully i have you with whom to share my fears
and hold to tight
in the violent night
settling my heart and soothing my soul
ears above the water line
listening for the siren
by my side
by my side
there's no place to hide here
under my arm
try to remain calm
no place for boisterous flagrancy
don't fall apart along with the surroundings

the hole is worn
like a poor jigsaw wielder
aching at the job
now rubbed smooth
friction or gap filler or some such
permanent marking pens
stain the perimeter
is he here to clean
gleam
ream
the in-between
particle board chip breaking
desperate aching
past pieces keep his mind together
even as he spills
his pills dropping to the floor
no-one here
no-one knowing
no return

pills
so many pills
and yet more to be found
a bottle of whiskey to wash them down
if only I had known
a 'cry for help'
don't patronise me
this was as real as real can be
it could happen again
the facility exists
it's only me
and whether i choose to resist
you all think you'll care
but it won't get you anywhere

this
prerogative
is mine alone
no need to gnash or moan
let me take my path
no interest in your ideal(s)
i alone
will find what is real
reality
maybe one day you will see
free yourself from the scales
measurements all meaningless
looking for the more
while walking away with less

she keeps him interested
aching heart arrested
this despairing break in momentum
a killing thing
breaking
control disappears
flooded by tears
as broken love flies around the room
aching soul caught in the gloom
desperate presentation
like it even matters
soiled with the beauty that evades
this is how life fades
challenged not to swallow
again
yet somehow desiring that
floor-bound convulsion
running running
away from here
foolish ideas won't carry anywhere
yet they brought him here

i part from you
pills
pipe
i sit and watch the rain in a haze
blurred streaks
against tree silhouettes
my mind is affixed
to you
grab a beer and stay here
for awhile…

i'm encircled with
everything
when i'm in your arms
the sound of
the rain
will always be our song

i am life’s casualty
send the ambulance away
i didn’t ******* call you
i never even knew you
the buck stops here
this is where the blame shall lay
keep me kerbside warm
and let me fade away

tongue ripped out
she’ll keep that for herself
no recourse left now
in this empty cleft
pass away
explanation time
there’ll be no bother nor purpose
and silence is golden
his words too much
fuelled and terrifying
the truth is always a source of fear
of that there is no denying
so break down opportunity
pass away
confusion time
pass away

you welcome me
encouragement to walk through the tunnel
into the light
i can't see the source - it's too bright
then i hear that tell-tale sound
metal upon metal
scraping, squealing
and maybe one day
i won't jump out of the way
i won't just get grazed
but let the wheels grind over me
where is the light now?
not even a pinpoint
no shadows cast
even they can't last forever

she doesn't want me to take my life
she'd rather put me in the ground herself
digging digging digging the hole
to fling my wretchedness into
cuz if you want something done right
you've gotta do it yourself
and she doesn't think i'd get it right
doesn't think i'd have the might
only when i'm out of sight is she happy
is she happy?
i doubt she even knows

push my face down into the dirt
scrape my skin make sure it hurts
drain my soul take it away
i doubt it'll fetch very much on ebay
end up tossing it anyway
amongst the trash
when you have your crash
and hear my voice haunt your dreams
find your stuffing busting your seams
there's no way if you don't make a way
nothing will come on a silver tray
you must decide whether you want it to be

this does not happen
twice
hence being the one
feeling the warmth of a rising sun
never before to have peeked
above the horizon
never before has the world
shone this way

never will it again
hellish travails
beating nastiness
paths disappear into the distance
swallowed by the horizon
by the setting sun
a nighttime meal

where is my place
where do i belong
where is my strength
where is my song

you can keep me at arm's length if you want to
i'll be right here by your fingertips
and you can ignore what is and always has been
i'll still be waiting for you

this is truth decreed and arranged
though i've wandered my own paths of sorrow
ever more i know that this is what's real
and that nothing has or will change

so you can set me adrift if you want to
and i'll eke out an existence alone
but the message in this bottle won't fade
and one day it will return to you

i am an island
isolated
this errant rock the cause
it’s a need
lest else i bleed
dripping nightmares
like tears and sweat
regrets not quantifiable
loss is gain
break the plane
and stay away

i place my happiness
in your hands
i know it’s dangerous
but i do so anyway

loving despite everything
desperate to serve
trying to deserve

and i’ll die this way
in your hands
’til you cast my shell away
resigned

don’t tell me what i should want
don’t tell me it’ll all work out fine
don’t pass me books on mutual agreement
with the look in your eye that says
try
i can’t pass through forever
knowing only of my mistakes
unless they’ve become worth something
and cut me a few breaks

don’t attempt to foil the gods of fate
don’t make me look back
verging on hate
nor try to tell me you know better
than i
where i must reside
spit and **** will fly my way
i will fill my cup
all your vitriol
i’ll lap it all up

because i will be mine
my path will make or break
i am not ignorant
to the chances that i take

somehow
in a place known to be so warm
i feel myself left out
in the cold
growing old and weary
as the chill returns my heart to stone
always alone
always unknown
dreams like frozen glass
shatter in shards
slicing me apart
exsanguination of my soul
rivulets of my life trickle down my skin
staining the surface
not yet blackened
my fading mind returns to the thought
that no hope equals no fear
but without hope what is there
and why am i even here

behind your doors
serenity
an extension of the soul within
i am at home there
comfort surrounds me

but i don’t know it anymore
all so foreign now
that space so lost to me
never to be found again

all lost
so very lost
my being stolen away
in the black night
only the darkness remains
my one true friend

you’re so cold
you’ve forgotten how to love
don’t want any for yourself
thinking it has no worth
from rain to hail to hell and
back to raining
it’s draining
now that you’ve forgotten
crawl from the warren
where you bred
where your love lies dead
and sublimate
create anew to return to you
to the love that only others knew
discard the shards
with which you sharpen your words
allow the voice of longing to be
heard

life is about chances
he takes his from the form guide
some weeks are lean
and others, mean
but some he has all he needs
plus more besides
he bends his elbow along the way
though it never seems too much
more a perk of the job
than a crutch
dressed the same each day
just like the suits in town
the only difference being
he's doing it on his own

my everything
words spoken and meant
it’s just you
who you are
that holds my heart
the only time i’ve professed
words of love
in their purest form
despite my wishes and desires
it’s just you
who you are
that i adore

once so pale and lovely
you’ve charred yourself so needlessly
why are you doing this
what are you trying to achieve

your insistence upon beauty
is no more than fallacy
why are you doing this
who do you choose to believe

there’s no other could love you
quite the same
there’s no other who’d love you
just the same
just the same

it used to be
that we’d talk
words by stealth
in every available moment
now there is silence
and i wonder where those moments went
is there so much else now
or just a lack of desire
would things have changed
had i not tried to step
outside the paradigm

i love your company
i love your energy
i love your presence
i love listening to you
i love talking to you
i love sharing with you

i love looking in your eyes
i love the warmth of your soul
i love the touch of your hand
i love holding you
i love comforting you
i love reassuring you

i love your aura
i love your attitude
i love your humour
i love stroking you
i love kissing you
and i love your smile

i forced myself
to turn away
thinking you were gone
torturing myself
in the process
until finally i allowed myself a backward glance
and saw that you were still there
but i’d taken too many steps
i was at a loss
and could have rent myself in two
leaving you the pieces
that belonged always to you
momentarily i was fooled
into thinking you may have some use for them

once there was a girl who wasn’t
just an uncomfortable shell of torment
swallowed up by every dark hole
but for the one that felt real

encouraged to colour within the lines
and play within the paradigm
longing for another place, another time

anyone would have been surprised
had they bothered to open their eyes
how can a fearful, confused child
teach the ignorant to be wise

an occasional chance would arrive
when he could open the door to the girl inside
oh it’s just a phase they said
unaware of how close they were to finding him dead

encouraged to colour within the lines
and play within the paradigm
longing for another place, another time
there are some things that you just don’t allow
dealing with this black sheep
wondering what, why and how

when he sees her
he’ll take her hand in his
…home…
bringing the back of her hand to his chest
pressing it against his heart
then letting go
he’ll cup her face in his hands
bringing her lips to his
kissing her softly
so she remembers