behind your doors
serenity
an extension of the soul within
i am at home there
comfort surrounds me

but i don’t know it anymore
all so foreign now
that space so lost to me
never to be found again

all lost
so very lost
my being stolen away
in the black night
only the darkness remains
my one true friend

i can’t close the deal
it’s never more than maybes
i don’t know what you feel
it’s never more than vapours
and your deciding
is wrenching inside me
just like you want it to
rifling through my drawers
absent minded
pointless fumbling
tossing out
flipping and flopping
like a desperate child
take this piece away
it doesn’t belong
death covered windows
the vision all wrong

i am life’s casualty
send the ambulance away
i didn’t ******* call you
i never even knew you
the buck stops here
this is where the blame shall lay
keep me kerbside warm
and let me fade away

it used to be
that we’d talk
words by stealth
in every available moment
now there is silence
and i wonder where those moments went
is there so much else now
or just a lack of desire
would things have changed
had i not tried to step
outside the paradigm

i am an island
isolated
this errant rock the cause
it’s a need
lest else i bleed
dripping nightmares
like tears and sweat
regrets not quantifiable
loss is gain
break the plane
and stay away

please be still
let my heart be still
all these thoughts
just let them spill with the feelings
that bind me in chains
that unwind my brain
i could fall
fall for always
i can’t stand tall
stepping through ever more doorways
hula hoop headspins
level me again
and ******* what’s it all for
why do i keep at it anymore
yet another spin around
the parquet floor
losing more grip each time

somehow
in a place known to be so warm
i feel myself left out
in the cold
growing old and weary
as the chill returns my heart to stone
always alone
always unknown
dreams like frozen glass
shatter in shards
slicing me apart
exsanguination of my soul
rivulets of my life trickle down my skin
staining the surface
not yet blackened
my fading mind returns to the thought
that no hope equals no fear
but without hope what is there
and why am i even here