It's been a while since I've written
Poetry
But I can never forget the
Words
That are stapled onto
My back.

I swear I’m going blind*
The edges of my vision tilting and shifting
As if my eyes are prisms
And
Sight is sand in a glass jar.

The corners of my brain keep going fuzzy
There’s only 9 days left
And
If I think too hard
I find myself driving
And
Going 80 until I have enough room between,
The white lines of highways
And
My bedroom.

Sometimes I drive for so long
That I forget you’re in the passenger seat.
I’m too busy counting down the minutes
We have left
That I forget this is the last chapter
For you too.

I just keep busying my hands,
To ignore pain in my stomach
When I remember that it's coming to an end.  

I’m going blind,
I told you while I gripped the wheel
In hopes that it would make you
Stay a little longer.

They say that the truth will set you free.
So here it is.
The truth is
That no
I’m not afraid of
Falling in love with you
I’m afraid
Terrified
To love
Myself
But you make it
So easy
To take down
All of the walls
I have built up
To protect my heart
The truth is
That I was broken
From the beginning
Always have been
And I wish
You didn’t have to
Uncover
All the *****
Skeletons
In my closet
Because I have
Too many to count
And uncovering them
Myself
Is suffocating
You have my heart
Because it’s better protected
In your hands
Than in mine
Please
Keep it safe.

In the midst
Of a breaking wave
In the stillness
Of the silence
In the darkest
Of mournings
Lightning strikes

There’s an empty space
Where you left
But the doctors
Ripped out the alarm
In my chest
All I can do
Is stumble around
And speculate.

Does the red wire
Connect to the blue one?
Or will
Electric shock
Revive
The memories
That the medicine
Erased
From my brain

I wonder
If you see me
In all of the twinkly lights  
Or
If you try to
Restart your heart
By connecting
The green wire
To the yellow wire
Or maybe it’s the red one
I’m never sure

Because I didn’t stick around
Long enough
To ask

In my empty room
I stared at the ceiling
I heard my heartbeat
And saw a billion stars

I thought that if I closed my eyes
I’d forget about it
I’d forget about you

But there they were
Stories of us
Written on the walls
Pulsing through my veins

Your lips against mine
A distant memory
Something too far away to reach

But **** did I want it
I wanted your lips
Pressed against mine
The way a harmony builds
And becomes a bridge

I wanted flowers to bloom for us
I wanted the waves to meet sand for us
I wanted rain to hit the windshield for us
I wanted it to come pouring down

Because I felt like a hurricane
And I wanted you to weather the storm

Kissing on parked cars
In empty lots
Like tomorrow
Will never come
I taste like chocolate
And you taste like lemonade
A little bit sour
A little bit sweet
I think it was our bitter infinity

There's this recognizable
Hole growing in my chest
And I miss you
i miss you
But I never really knew you

I still don't know what I'm doing,
But I know how it starts.
Magic floats through my fingertips
The sun rises in my chest
Slow. Warm. Orange.
And I think of a better place
And I wish for a slower pace
And I dream of embodying grace
And I dream
And I think
And I wish
For days to drip by like honey
For nights to end bittersweet and glowing
For more time to savor the moments
The ones you know that count
I think that's what writing really is.

Her hands will mold to yours
Her arms will feel like home

Her voice will be
The only sound you know

She’ll kiss you
Beneath the moonlight

She’ll laugh
Her eyes glint like stars

The galaxy was her
But she was out to Mars

Acid trips
With Alice
Always lead me
To Lucy
With her diamonds
Not just a girls best friend
But mine
When crystal roars
Its ugly head, I forget
The sly panther she was
In the beginning

She says-
I get lost in her smile
In the simple way she tucks her chin beneath the book

Listen to this
It's something about the sun
But she lost me after that
I was gazing at her mouth

Listen to this
She says, her eyes following words
Pressed into a page
I put my finger to her lips

Listen to this
Two bodies converging

Listen to-
Our hearts
They're
Listening

You said you loved me
You don't even know me
There's room in my shoes
I've still got growing to do

I stand in the mirror
Not sure what I should see
I look inside
To try and find me

If you look closely
Take a peak through my soul
You can see
What I might grow up to be

I poke and ****
And push things around
Trying to plant my tree
Without roots in the ground

I'm still a girl
I've got lessons to learn
There's room in my shoes
I still have growing up to do

In a haze of dreams
I see memories of us
Past recollections

You were my words;
When I wanted to write a million

You were a race,
And **** I never seemed to win

You were the stars,
How we both drank them up
Like lightning
We fell so fast

You were my breath
Which ended when we did

You were the spring
That fell out of each step

You were a light in my eyes,
Now mine flicker occasionally

You were my smile,
Which can’t help but falter

You are my mistake
The best one I’ve ever made

I look for you
For your freckled face
In every crowded place

I search for you
For your butterfly kiss
In others drunken lips

I try to find you
Find your tenderness
In all of life’s madness

I try to face you
Face your decision
With ears that refuse to listen

I search for you
For your meaning
For the answer to your leaving.

I speak flowers
Light a flame for the broken
Tuck my shirt in
And say a prayer for the unspoken

I race demons
Smoke them out for a moment
Strike the chords
With a bow, let your soul crack open

I lose your hands
Hold tight to what's left in the bottom of the glass
Fill my heart with colors, I laugh
And it's that dream again, we fall into the grass

I am full
Float through the ocean, let your breath crash like a wave
Smile lightly for the loved ones that cherish
And know everything you were, was exactly what you made

I imagine
That we would build moments
Between our fingertips

I see our lips connecting
Colliding, fumbling
Beneath my eyelashes

In the stillness
Our hearts would race

Beating heavy and constant
In the space between us

I imagine that maybe
Our elbows would bump

Or our knees would knock
Your world colliding with mine

Maybe lying next to you
Is only poetry

We don’t think
Before we speak
But our words
Only take seconds to sink
Into someone elses heart
We seem to have no problem
Destroying what’s not ours


Words mean everything
From people who used to mean something

I’m not sure
How to talk
To you anymore

I laid my heart before you
But you’re reluctant
To explore

I thought I knew
Every creased edge of you
But now you’re a name with no face

I fought a war
To save us from bloodshed
But you’ve washed your hands of me

Words are only letters
That fill the silence
We can’t withstand

My stomach is full
Of twisted knots
That fray at every end


I grappled to save us
But you’re miles away
Sitting across from me

I hope she kisses you
With closed lids
Because when you leave
She’ll find you
In others’ lips

And you stay
Even though, my fingers tremble sometimes.
You’re bumping out of my ears

I look down
when I’m telling the truth
But you help me up,
My favorite shotgun

We find maps inside each other
Travel the trail, down my spine
Tattoo your fingers inside of my thigh
You’re running through my veins

When I’m with you,
I feel like the Sun’s in my belly
And even though, sometimes, I use my fingers
To make myself empty, you stick around

We play in the grass
Stumbling through the doorway
Messy and full of laughter
With you everything feels brighter
You’re my sunflower

My favorite crash landing
I fall into you
You reach for me
The collision is beautiful

And you stay.

And here I go again
Opening closed doors
Because I’m tired of being shut out
No amount of
Overturned stones
Could break through your glass house
I’m on the outside looking in
And someone snuffed the light out

It takes an ocean not to break.

I drew lines between us
When I chose to draw lines
Across my skin*

But what I can’t say out loud

The words that are stuck,
Pitted in my chest
Which sometimes make it hard to breathe

What I’ve been desperate to tell you
Is:

*I’d rather see cracks in my skin
Than feel holes in my heart.

It’s September
And I miss him
Like my brain misses oxygen

It’s September
And I’m waiting for him
Like layers wait for the cold bite
Of December

It’s September
And I wish he was here
Because I have long stretches of time
And there’s nothing that I want more
Than time with him

It’s September
And I find myself
Wishing for February
So that he can
Be mine

I feel something’s missing now
Even though its been gone for days

I can’t stop seeing
Hands of men
Old and new
Wrinkled and porcelain

I’m caught between a smooth breeze
And a raging ember
That burns beneath my skin
But the universe still spins

I don’t know how
Seconds still manage to tick
Or how minutes keep passing by
Or how the ocean keeps crashing
In and out with it’s tide

I don’t know how you leave your room
With all that waits outside.