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Jun 2014 · 283
I think
I'm not happy
But you love me
So I'll be okay
I think
Jun 2014 · 685
I wish you still loved
I wish you still loved
my handwriting
my bangs
my intelligence
my laugh
my smile
my eyes
my accomplishments
my stubbornness

I fear you've forgotten everything except that you plan on staying here.
Jun 2014 · 539
Wandering
I think once your mind wanders to

their sleeping breathe on your neck
the warmth under your shares covers
their dreaming hand finding yours

you're pretty much ******.
Jun 2014 · 255
Broke my own heart
It doesn't hurt to think about you.
You didn't hurt me.
It hurts to think about me.
Who I am, what I've been.
I thin I may have broken my own heart.
Jun 2014 · 517
Trust
I've never given you this much trust before. I've always been..in control.
But what if you stop, when I no longer make you?
What if you choose someone else, when I no longer make you choose me?
I never had this trust and I don't know where I'm mustering it up from.
Jun 2014 · 224
Untitled
You're what I looked to when I was losing someone else.
I don't know who to look to now.
Dec 2013 · 440
Our Walk
-a story- *

We went on a walk, you and I.  We had a map.

We began, expecting the weather to be warm and sunny.  But immediately, dark fat clouds glared down at us from the sky.  We ran through the rain and came upon a large dark forest.

The map said this was the way.  And at the first, the trail seemed smooth and easy.  I said to you, “Don’t worry, this won’t take long.” But you replied, “You may want it to.”

After only a few minutes, I looked back over at you. You were gone!  I called your name, and you answered.  You were still right beside me, always with me.  I could only not see you.

We went on like that for a while until suddenly, with a loud crack- a large tree branch fell on me.  The pain was unbearable.  You talked to me, you tried to help and comfort me.

But I yelled at you; I didn’t need you! I would fix this myself.  I couldn’t see you anyway, how could you possibly help? I forced you to walk on without me.

I lay there, soaking in my pain, for hours- even days on end.  My heart broke from the loneliness.  I didn’t need you. Oh, but where were you?

Finally, I had laid there alone, in the worst pain of my life, for long enough.  I yelled for help.  Soon, the branch was lifted and rolled away.  Who was it- who was near enough to hear me call?

You finally spoke, and I realized you had never left me.  All that time you’d been waiting nearby.   I never saw you, but you saw me.  You waited for me to need you.

We had to continue our journey.

I walked several steps behind you. I was left with a painful limp and I continued to breathe heavily.  I knew you must have wished you’d gone on the trail without me.  But you held your hand out behind you and pulled me along with you. Soon, I could see your body very faintly, every few steps.

You carried me on your shoulders for a while and I regained much of my strength.  Only a small limp still reminded me of the branch.

One day we crossed a very fast and wide river.  You carried me and I was safe.  I looked at you and I saw you.  I saw your face after waiting so long.  Your lips smiled and so did mine.

We followed the map exactly, and soon it appeared that the forest was improving.  We gathered fruits and nuts from the now-green trees.  Little animals scurried in front of us.

The air was warm and the trail pleasant, except for a few evenings when you were again invisible, or I feared the monotony of the path.  We still did not abandon our journey.

Not long ago now, we began to study the map a little harder. We realized something crazy, something we couldn’t believe.

The map had no end. The trail was meant to keep going for the rest of our lives.

At first I was terrified. I pushed you away and ran; I had to have a way off the trail!  But you showed me the map once more.  It showed that in no time at all, we would exit the dark forest.  The rest of the trail was made not of gravel, but of diamonds.  You showed me the sunrise that spread over the remainder of the trail.  The best stars I’d ever see lay spotted above.  You pointed at the shimmering lakes and bright green bushes with the most luscious berries I would ever taste.  Lastly, you showed me that my hand was to be in your hand every step further across the map.

My heart wanted that.  You’d been right all along.  I wanted to go on this walk with you and never let it come to an end.  I wanted the journey to last forever. Your lips smiled and so did mine.

We’re on a walk, you and I.  The trail never ends.
Jun 2013 · 315
Never Going to Ever
I'm never going to ever be with you again.
I can never talk to you again, never kiss you, never drive to nowhere in your arms.
I'll have no one to soften my crying, or to make me laugh like you did.
You can never call me, my dear,
or say you love me ever again.
I'll never be yours again.
Mar 2013 · 1.7k
Narcissistic Pain had a Tale
I was too immature and innocent to recognize the constant pain I was in.
I ignored it; I thought it natural and normal.
It was something you just didn't discuss.
But you can't hold it in forever.
I grew up and so did my pain.
I remember the first time I felt a ridiculous amount of it.
Anger, resentment, confusion, sorrow, guilt. Especially guilt.
When you disregard something like that for so long...
how are you supposed to react when it hits you?
It changed close to everything I had decided about myself.
All my plans and dreams and ideas and opinions, I questioned it all.
I realized what I had done and who others really were.
I realized how alone I was and why I had always felt that way.
Once I stopped ignoring it I began to learn to deal with it.
Some days I found it harder than others.
Pain is an odd thing. You know it's bad and you don't always initially like it. But it's addictive and eventually you don't want anything else interfering. You get used to it.
Sad people think sad thoughts and listen to sad music and read sad books and love sad people.
Pain loves pain.
Mar 2013 · 749
the World's 1st Rocket
I fold the piece of paper and put it in my pocket
cuz I'm about to build the world's first rocket

Come along and paint my very first rocket ship
Be careful on my lawn my mother asks that you don't drip

We'll start the engine tomorrow morning and leave right after dawn
Lift off in my backyard, being careful of the lawn

Our rocket will go to outer space and land upon the moon
we'll be light years further away than any other person soon

I won't lose the paper, I'll keep it in my pocket
together we're gonna fly the world's first rocket
Mar 2013 · 311
Black Eyes
Don't make me keep it in my black eyes
are they closed?

I've been running so far away
have I moved?

The sun called me and the moon stopped me
am I burning?

Let me talk, let me tell you
will you listen?

They told me about the crack in the sidewalk
did I fall through?
Mar 2013 · 412
Loved
No matter how often
they tell me
I don't really believe it

I know they are supposed to
and they try
but I don't believe them

It's impossible
considering it's me
so they must be lying

I don't feel that feeling
I seek it
knowing I won't receive it

I want them to say it
but it never
infiltrates deep enough

Maybe I used to know it
not anymore
I'll search for it and never find it again

They said no too many times
or maybe I did
either way it's not something I seem capable of feeling
Mar 2013 · 308
Last Night
I shouldn't have taken a nap
or gone to sleep at all;
I knew what I was going to dream about.
I disgust myself
and I should disgust you.
I woke up with shaking hands
and soaked in tears.
But you weren't disgusted.
You weren't at all.
Mar 2013 · 388
Fricken Motions
Tell me.
Tell me what amazing thing I'm doing right now.
I'm going through the fricken motions of next to every 16 year old girl.
I have done nothing spectacular.
I haven't changed anything.
Had I not been born others' lives would be minimally altered.
Why am I not doing anything?
Nothing. I'm doing nothing for anyone or anything.
I'm making no impression and that makes me angry.
Mar 2013 · 328
The Flaw in Human Love
I feel like God's love
is the only completely fulfilling love
like we can search and find love in another person
and love them our entire lives
but they go away and they fail and we fight and
we miss them
we miss them because their love doesn't complete us
unless maybe we think so when we are together
I guess what I mean to say is
the flaw in human love is that we miss each other.
We long for the other when they are not with us
And while it is not a bad thing to miss, it is
demonstrating that we are not fulfilled because the other is not right with us.
But oh so different is God's love.
We can be anywhere in the world or nowhere in the world
and He and His love is right there.
He can make us feel whole when we are the most alone we could possibly be
But the thing is; the sin inside of us causes us to selfishly desire
the touch and love of another human
over
the complete and eternally satisfying love of God.
Mar 2013 · 2.8k
The Numbness
I think that was when the numbness first settled in.
First it devoured the tangible parts of my life.
Food didn't taste, blankets didn't warm, hugs didn't comfort.
I watched it steal away my family. Somehow the love we had shared was frozen.
It took all that I could see, leaving me with almost nothing to hold.
It was still hungry, and swiftly infiltrated my heart.
That's why I didn't want you anymore. It's because I knew I couldn't love you.
I sat and couldn't feel. I tried but I'd forgotten how to feel.
Feb 2013 · 988
Borrowing
Thanks for letting me borrow your sweater.
It's really ugly, by the way.

Thanks for letting me borrow your socks.
You know I believe all body heat leaves through the feet.

Thanks for letting me borrow your rubber band.
It was probably important to you, huh.

Thanks for letting me borrow half of your couch.
It's pretty comfy, especially when you're using the other half.

Thanks for letting me borrow your book of stories.
Very little has given me more delight than to hear your third grade mind.

Thanks for letting me borrow your time.
My time fits perfectly with it.

Thanks for letting me borrow your heart.
I hope you don't want it back too soon. Cuz it's my favorite.
It's possible I exaggerate some. Don't judge.
Feb 2013 · 365
A Shamillion Years
I wanna be with you
for like

a shamillion years or so

even though
you gosh dangit can't spell that.
Feb 2013 · 270
A Shamillion Years
I wanna be with you
for like

a shamillion years or so

even though
you gosh dangit can't spell that.
Feb 2013 · 315
Do I Want to Regret?
I've never regretted anything in my whole life
not one thing.

Not because I'm glad I mess up, glad people hurt me, glad the tragedies happened...
I'm afraid I'm unable to experience that feeling.
Regret.

So I wonder...
Am I doing this because it's what I want?
Or is it because I'm simply...
    
      looking for something to regret?
Feb 2013 · 371
Without Him
It isn't nothing.
It is never nothing.
I just never said it.

If not for Him-
I, or my guilt, perhaps the same thing,
would have killed me by now.
I had no desire to live for the pain
instilled in us all by none other than those we thought loved us.
But although I'll never forget what they did to me, or anyone else,
I know He's healed me
because without that knowledge
I'm sure I couldn't take it alone.
Feb 2013 · 841
An Explanation
So I was the young sort.
The immature but intelligent, lighthearted but controlled sort.
I thought I knew who I was, where I was, what I was doing.
But **** happened.
Smiling got harder and solitude seemed easier.
I'm 20 years older and 100 pounds heavier
though physically I haven't changed.
It's hard to carry on the same sort of conversations;
hard not to answer every statement with
    Haha, you don't know what worry means-
    You don't know what pain feels like-
    You don't know how intense loneliness can really be-
The thoughts weigh me down. All I do is think.
I have nothing left but my mind and my mind, me.
Carefree is a privilege.
Feb 2013 · 378
You Hold Me Back
The more you yell
             the more I pull away
The more you control
              the more I want out
The more you restrict
               the more desire I have
                                  *to be free
Feb 2013 · 276
Poem About A Dot.
Feb 2013 · 573
My Favorite Smiles
I think my favorite smiles
are the rare smiles

the ones you rarely see
or if you do, it's a little smirk,
or forced, fake, and polite.

I think my favorite smiles
are like gold dust

When I see them
in all their cheesy unexplored glory
I wish to smile along
Feb 2013 · 324
Never
What if you'd never talked to me and I'd never liked you and you'd never asked me out and we'd never sneaked behind my parent's back and we'd never got in a fight and we'd never missed each other and we'd never talked more and we'd never hung out more and we'd never wanted to be together every second and it'd never be the way it is?
Feb 2013 · 338
Terrify Me Again
I think
that one time
in the headlights of your pickup
when I kissed you first
because you kissed me right before that
was when I realized you were sincere
you meant what you said
you knew what I wanted
and you wanted that too.

It terrifies the crap out of me
But I don't want to stop.
Feb 2013 · 281
More Than Rules
I need more than rules.

I need more than to look good,
to look right,
the way you want me to appear

Maybe I need some more,
some trust,
forgiveness.

Some legitimate love, though I hesitate to use the word.

Whatever.
Feb 2013 · 206
In the First Place
It's funny.

Because I've never done
any
freaking
thing
wrong.

How many times can you tell me not to do something?
I haven't, and I won't.

I can't keep your trust if there wasn't any to begin with.
Feb 2013 · 517
I Only Asked for One Thing
The only thing I want
the only thing I ask from you
you won't let me have

I can take your hate
and your disapproval
but all I want is some **** freedom

right now I want to be with him
or somebody else
or just somewhere else

but you keep me close
prolong this hell
because, you can

you won't listen to my reasons
and make up your own lies
well you should know
I hate you for it
Feb 2013 · 280
Can't You Tell?
Can't you tell I'm testing you?
All I want is to know you'll love me no matter what I do
and so far

you're failing miserably.
Feb 2013 · 252
Stuff Happened
But stuff happened and I'm 90 years old and you're dead and we all hate each other.
Feb 2013 · 312
Everyday.
School *****, but home's hell.
Feb 2013 · 435
Sorry
I know what you want from me.
It's actually quite clear.
No need to tell me again.

I look good
I date the right boys
I do well in school
I stay out of trouble
and appear happy.
and you'll be a good father
and you won't feel guilty

The thing is, I don't want that.

Sorry I'm different.
Sorry I'm not like everyone else.
Sorry I'm not you.
Sorry I'm not her.
Sorry I'm not doing what you want.
Sorry I'm not who you want me to be.

But I think I'll be who I want to be.
and I secretly just want you to accept that.
Feb 2013 · 287
Stop
I want you to stop being calm
I want you to stop being stupid
stop pretending like none of it is happening
that we aren't in the middle of a disaster
stop being okay with it.

It isn't okay.

Sometimes, it really isn't.
Feb 2013 · 362
Ocean of Average Lives
We'll never succeed.
The world out there is hard.
No one has money
No one is happy
No one has a job
The government is out to get us
No one becomes famous, no one is the best.
We'll never get to the professional league, we'll never be on TV, we'll never change the world.

Why won't we?

It's been drilled into us since we could talk how incredibly unlikely it is that
any of our hopes or dreams actually work out.
Don't let the world drown your dreams in its ocean of average lives.
Feb 2013 · 392
I Will Anyway
I'll do it for you
I'll give you what you asked

But I know
I know what will happen

I know you will remain unimpressed, disappointed, and unloving.

I'll do it to make you happy even though it won't.
Feb 2013 · 362
hard to hate
it's hard to hate someone in the same crisis as you.
because who else feels the same pain?

Your hateful heart yearns for understanding.
And the one who can supply that
is one whom you can never forgive

The understanding of another's pain
brings you unwanted compassion

it's hard to hate someone in the same crisis as you
but thankfully, you are making it easier....
Feb 2013 · 462
Sharpie
I will write in Sharpie
regardless of what you say
You can't erase Sharpie
just like your mistakes
in life,
you have to deal with it,
fix it,
make it into an awkward flower.
Feb 2013 · 252
I Don't Want Anyone
No one
That's who I want
Because no matter how much you trust them,
how much they deserve to be trusted,
and how hard they will try.

They can't always be there.
They can't do anything
or everything.
They can't always be there.
Even if they want to be.

They're gonna leave sooner or later.
Everyone does.
Feb 2013 · 349
I can but actually I can't
I can do it myself
but I've allowed you to stay
I can't do it myself
and you've stayed anyway

my wrists won't hold me up
and my ankles are giving out
I can't open my mouth
but my eyes are trying to shout

I tried to not trust you
don't leave me again
you somehow did it,
got me to let you in

while my own body gives up
and only my pain is here
hopefully you stay
please don't disappear

I won't admit I need you
but I wish that you would
not tire of my aching
though I'm certain you could

hold my hands when my wrists can't
carry me when my ankles give in
hear me when I can't say anything
take me away from where I've been
I know you won't but I'm still deathly afraid.
Feb 2013 · 450
What was Here
The table seated six
and this place housed laughter

Cards and ****** TV and instantaneous wrestling matches
and all of everyone

But that was Before,
now it's After.

The table seats five
and this place houses separation
and coldness and emptiness and knowing
and warnings and fear

fear infects the wounds
when you don't bandage them with hope

Silence and screaming enclosed in the same envelope
addressed to what was here before
Feb 2013 · 606
Darkly and Simply Realistic
Maybe it wasn't sporadic,
but I saw the outbreak coming nonetheless
and this complication isn't remedied painlessly

Until I finally fell and landed perilously where I'm not even wanted
but feel somehow that the pain belongs to me
and I belong to it

Its mine and I'll keep it; oceans could be deeper.
You can't float lifeboats on land

But when the wind becomes black ink,
and I can't lean against the running trees;
I block my face and chase after them

and while I know I think in metaphors and not similes,

I like to think I lie
and I'm only myself,
darkly and simply realistic

— The End —