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  Jun 2014 Aidyl Ecarg Nella
A boyish smile, a frivolous response, lips grazing my neck
Put on a plaid shirt and I’ll take mine off for you
Never ever never ever never ever ever ever
let your pride win
and we can set to sea in a canoe until you can let me in

I’m a sucker for sad eyes. That’s the compassion.
Pair those with thick-rimmed glasses: I’ll believe anything you say --
And I had a puppy once, so it’s a natural reflex to fill the bowl with water and affection and treats of all sorts.
My heart gives and gives and runs dry and quits
My heart quits and quits and floods with isolation and goes back to giving;
Tell me I'm living --
square one, I’m a hamster
You know, exasperation shouldn’t be as normal
as brushing your teeth
But then again, we’re all supposed to floss everyday and I always seem to forget to,
like Well-Being in general as my heart
gives and gives and dries and quits and gives and quits
and quits and quits
on everyone else that exists

You know,
I don’t want a man that fuels a petty cycle as long as a noose wrapped around my neck
I don’t want a man that shrugs off pain because he’s a man
I don’t want a man that eats his feelings or drugs his feelings or explodes his feelings all over the bed

I’ll desire disregard
and not long enough kisses that cut off like a woman’s water breaking midsentence.
A rocket,
An earthquake
I’ll want a fading away so that I can feel like I want something
& I’m a sucker for freckles and hard rock abs and defined biceps.
& british and french and irish accents.
& most of all, a man that doesn’t need me, or even want to see me
all that often

the space to contemplate
Am I Enough
The waver between
I want to be Enough
I don’t want to be Enough
I want to be Enough
No, I don’t want to be Enough
So I can want
Live in ifs and buts and maybes, dazed like a complete and utter

I don’t want a man that gives me a purpose
I don’t want a man that gives me flowers
Okay, I want a man that gives me flowers
and chocolate and good morning kisses and his time

I don’t want a man that snores
But he’s allowed to snore
I don’t want a man that cringes at a menstrual cycle
I don’t want a man that lives halfway across the world or a man next-door that lives in his head 24/7
I don’t want a man that punches his pain through walls
Or mirrors
Or ******* or dickwads or ******* faces

You know,
never ever never ever never ever ever ever
let your pride win
and we can set to sea in a canoe until you can let me in
if you let me in
and I can let you in

I don’t want a man that won’t let me in
I don’t want a man that won’t let love in.
-a story- *

We went on a walk, you and I.  We had a map.

We began, expecting the weather to be warm and sunny.  But immediately, dark fat clouds glared down at us from the sky.  We ran through the rain and came upon a large dark forest.

The map said this was the way.  And at the first, the trail seemed smooth and easy.  I said to you, “Don’t worry, this won’t take long.” But you replied, “You may want it to.”

After only a few minutes, I looked back over at you. You were gone!  I called your name, and you answered.  You were still right beside me, always with me.  I could only not see you.

We went on like that for a while until suddenly, with a loud crack- a large tree branch fell on me.  The pain was unbearable.  You talked to me, you tried to help and comfort me.

But I yelled at you; I didn’t need you! I would fix this myself.  I couldn’t see you anyway, how could you possibly help? I forced you to walk on without me.

I lay there, soaking in my pain, for hours- even days on end.  My heart broke from the loneliness.  I didn’t need you. Oh, but where were you?

Finally, I had laid there alone, in the worst pain of my life, for long enough.  I yelled for help.  Soon, the branch was lifted and rolled away.  Who was it- who was near enough to hear me call?

You finally spoke, and I realized you had never left me.  All that time you’d been waiting nearby.   I never saw you, but you saw me.  You waited for me to need you.

We had to continue our journey.

I walked several steps behind you. I was left with a painful limp and I continued to breathe heavily.  I knew you must have wished you’d gone on the trail without me.  But you held your hand out behind you and pulled me along with you. Soon, I could see your body very faintly, every few steps.

You carried me on your shoulders for a while and I regained much of my strength.  Only a small limp still reminded me of the branch.

One day we crossed a very fast and wide river.  You carried me and I was safe.  I looked at you and I saw you.  I saw your face after waiting so long.  Your lips smiled and so did mine.

We followed the map exactly, and soon it appeared that the forest was improving.  We gathered fruits and nuts from the now-green trees.  Little animals scurried in front of us.

The air was warm and the trail pleasant, except for a few evenings when you were again invisible, or I feared the monotony of the path.  We still did not abandon our journey.

Not long ago now, we began to study the map a little harder. We realized something crazy, something we couldn’t believe.

The map had no end. The trail was meant to keep going for the rest of our lives.

At first I was terrified. I pushed you away and ran; I had to have a way off the trail!  But you showed me the map once more.  It showed that in no time at all, we would exit the dark forest.  The rest of the trail was made not of gravel, but of diamonds.  You showed me the sunrise that spread over the remainder of the trail.  The best stars I’d ever see lay spotted above.  You pointed at the shimmering lakes and bright green bushes with the most luscious berries I would ever taste.  Lastly, you showed me that my hand was to be in your hand every step further across the map.

My heart wanted that.  You’d been right all along.  I wanted to go on this walk with you and never let it come to an end.  I wanted the journey to last forever. Your lips smiled and so did mine.

We’re on a walk, you and I.  The trail never ends.
I'm never going to ever be with you again.
I can never talk to you again, never kiss you, never drive to nowhere in your arms.
I'll have no one to soften my crying, or to make me laugh like you did.
You can never call me, my dear,
or say you love me ever again.
I'll never be yours again.
I was too immature and innocent to recognize the constant pain I was in.
I ignored it; I thought it natural and normal.
It was something you just didn't discuss.
But you can't hold it in forever.
I grew up and so did my pain.
I remember the first time I felt a ridiculous amount of it.
Anger, resentment, confusion, sorrow, guilt. Especially guilt.
When you disregard something like that for so long...
how are you supposed to react when it hits you?
It changed close to everything I had decided about myself.
All my plans and dreams and ideas and opinions, I questioned it all.
I realized what I had done and who others really were.
I realized how alone I was and why I had always felt that way.
Once I stopped ignoring it I began to learn to deal with it.
Some days I found it harder than others.
Pain is an odd thing. You know it's bad and you don't always initially like it. But it's addictive and eventually you don't want anything else interfering. You get used to it.
Sad people think sad thoughts and listen to sad music and read sad books and love sad people.
Pain loves pain.
I fold the piece of paper and put it in my pocket
cuz I'm about to build the world's first rocket

Come along and paint my very first rocket ship
Be careful on my lawn my mother asks that you don't drip

We'll start the engine tomorrow morning and leave right after dawn
Lift off in my backyard, being careful of the lawn

Our rocket will go to outer space and land upon the moon
we'll be light years further away than any other person soon

I won't lose the paper, I'll keep it in my pocket
together we're gonna fly the world's first rocket
Don't make me keep it in my black eyes
are they closed?

I've been running so far away
have I moved?

The sun called me and the moon stopped me
am I burning?

Let me talk, let me tell you
will you listen?

They told me about the crack in the sidewalk
did I fall through?
No matter how often
they tell me
I don't really believe it

I know they are supposed to
and they try
but I don't believe them

It's impossible
considering it's me
so they must be lying

I don't feel that feeling
I seek it
knowing I won't receive it

I want them to say it
but it never
infiltrates deep enough

Maybe I used to know it
not anymore
I'll search for it and never find it again

They said no too many times
or maybe I did
either way it's not something I seem capable of feeling
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