Tell me.
Tell me what amazing thing I'm doing right now.
I'm going through the fricken motions of next to every 16 year old girl.
I have done nothing spectacular.
I haven't changed anything.
Had I not been born others' lives would be minimally altered.
Why am I not doing anything?
Nothing. I'm doing nothing for anyone or anything.
I'm making no impression and that makes me angry.

I feel like God's love
is the only completely fulfilling love
like we can search and find love in another person
and love them our entire lives
but they go away and they fail and we fight and
we miss them
we miss them because their love doesn't complete us
unless maybe we think so when we are together
I guess what I mean to say is
the flaw in human love is that we miss each other.
We long for the other when they are not with us
And while it is not a bad thing to miss, it is
demonstrating that we are not fulfilled because the other is not right with us.
But oh so different is God's love.
We can be anywhere in the world or nowhere in the world
and He and His love is right there.
He can make us feel whole when we are the most alone we could possibly be
But the thing is; the sin inside of us causes us to selfishly desire
the touch and love of another human
over
the complete and eternally satisfying love of God.

I think that was when the numbness first settled in.
First it devoured the tangible parts of my life.
Food didn't taste, blankets didn't warm, hugs didn't comfort.
I watched it steal away my family. Somehow the love we had shared was frozen.
It took all that I could see, leaving me with almost nothing to hold.
It was still hungry, and swiftly infiltrated my heart.
That's why I didn't want you anymore. It's because I knew I couldn't love you.
I sat and couldn't feel. I tried but I'd forgotten how to feel.

Thanks for letting me borrow your sweater.
It's really ugly, by the way.

Thanks for letting me borrow your socks.
You know I believe all body heat leaves through the feet.

Thanks for letting me borrow your rubber band.
It was probably important to you, huh.

Thanks for letting me borrow half of your couch.
It's pretty comfy, especially when you're using the other half.

Thanks for letting me borrow your book of stories.
Very little has given me more delight than to hear your third grade mind.

Thanks for letting me borrow your time.
My time fits perfectly with it.

Thanks for letting me borrow your heart.
I hope you don't want it back too soon. Cuz it's my favorite.

I wanna be with you
for like

a shamillion years or so

even though
you gosh dangit can't spell that.

I've never regretted anything in my whole life
not one thing.

Not because I'm glad I mess up, glad people hurt me, glad the tragedies happened...
I'm afraid I'm unable to experience that feeling.
Regret.

So I wonder...
Am I doing this because it's what I want?
Or is it because I'm simply...
    
      looking for something to regret?