see me
I am here.

clear the cobwebs of her,
and step from beyond your pain.

i am holding my hand,
take it.
hear me when i say,
that i care.

i cant,
be her.
i cant,
smell like her.
i cant,
smile like her.

but i can,
not crush your heart.
not leave you broken.
not abuse your soul.

see me,
i am here.

i offer a gentle fall,
a haven to heal your wounds.

(haven't i been here before?)

how long can i be satisfied,
to receive the scraps from her feast.

(2003)

this confusion is
crippling my mind
is
ever so slightly, breaking my heart
is
making me emotional and
making me want to cry
all the time
so I
grip unto my sanity
letting go of my security
so I
doubt my responseability
want to disown my accountability
and then
love her more than I can stand
miss her more than I can take
want to
never leave her
never wake alone
and
lavish upon her
love and care
but also
I dont want to leave my home
the friends I've know
my private sanctuary
my walled castle keep
I need to
see
I need to weep
for
my friends
my home
my love
my life
lost and forgotten
- maybe -
or just a new beginning,
and then
tomorrow and tomorrow,
and then
I'll know.

(2001)

inbetween the mirrors of reality,
my sanity slips beyond my reach,
and I fall -
tumble headlong into theories of death,
unexpected glimpses of mortality.
and I saw -
my existance as a spidersweb,
people clinging like morningdew.
And I know -
if not today then tomorrow
and tomorrow and tomorrow.
I will be omnipotent
I will travel in light
I will knw God
and I will revel in the knowledge of forever.

my confession
ricochets off your heart.
the echos of my voice,
left hanging in the branches.

why cant i be what you are looking for?

so many pieces fit,
the missing one allways matters.

quietly you had stolen upon my senses,
and had grown a sun unto my heart.

the adolescent yearning i feel,
when i try to forget you.
is fleetingly filled by another,
but he doesnt smell like you.

i will lay myself down, gently,
within his foreign arms.
and pretend,
that he needs me like you.

i cant see.
can you?
no, i cant see you.
can you see me?

i can clean my glasses,
i can wipe my eyes,
remove the grit from them.
images do not make sense.

wait,
i see a light.
i hear,
your voice, i think.
never realised how good it sounds.

i shouldnt have looked so closely.
the colour of your beard.
the texture of your hair.
the curve of your shoulders,
when you bend over me.
i shouldnt have recognised your smell.
i shouldnt have tangled my fingers in yours.

reset.

a little clearer now.
maybe.
the static will clear in time.

solder closed those circuits.
make a continious loop.
i will be self-contained.
unplug me for now.
i dont know how to.

in an absence of answers,
i trail my fingers throught the waters,
and seek the shore for a face i know.
trying hard not to see,
the dark below.

anguish grips my chest,
the cold waters call my name.
my face mirrored in its placidness,
a glint off dark skin,
adds a sparkle to my eye.

balancing,
my foot breaks the sheen of lake.
tendrils creep up my toes,
i slip under without a sound.

will they find my bones under here?
my life's work encased in calcium.
mud will settle on my absent tongue.
my voice will be waves,
lapping at your feet,
when maybe, one day,
you remember my name.

I dared to tread upon the fresh snow,
to imprint my stain upon its calm.
i dared to make my mark upon it,
and i ruined the beauty that was created.

with much toil the blanket had been lain,
to cover carefully the raggedness below.
the broken flowers my hands had torn,
the blackened earth i left behind.

i made myself open to you,
somehow,
my dreams were different than this.
it was supposed to be easy.

why is it,
that i choose my demise without care?

what does friend mean?
what does it mean that you care?

a plethora of scenarios meet my heart.
in none of them i show.

so is this it?
friends.

i will spend time mopping up the spill of my tears.
another door slammed in my face.