addy r

addy r Apr 2014

Every mirror I look at shatters in my mind and it’s like the shards of glass are piercing into my heart with every second more of looking at my very embodiment being reflected in that mirror. Beautiful. I want to be beautiful. And although I hate to admit, I want your unoriginal, clichè schemes, I want to wear your jacket, call me lovely, I want to hear your whistles all the way from the other side of the room. I want to see your eyes brightly opened up with your mind thinking “Oh ****”. I want my eyelashes to be long so I can flutter them at you like how I’ve always wanted to, and you’d smile at me, in that oh-so-adorable way that makes my heart stop for a few minutes. And you’d come up and talk to me, just like how you talk to all those other girls, all those other PRETTY girls who have gorgeous curls and flawless complexions unlike my two-toned skin and messed up hair. And maybe this world is not big enough for this feeling inside of me. I am imploding and the molecules running around my body are crying out “Love me!”. Maybe my father never said it enough or my mother looked at my sister like she had the face of Marilyn Monroe and maybe, I thought, to be loved, you have to be beautiful. And I wish for a world where the mirrors I stare at don’t shatter to pieces and where the shards don’t pierce my heart like it does when you look upon another who is not me. I don’t want to feel this way anymore and all I want is to be pretty. Pretty in your eyes. But I am wrong more than I write. And I think that I am made to believe that i acquire beauty in a form that is not only skin deep.

There is a medium between smart and hungry, hopeful and desperate, an intellect and a ***** and I am simply, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I picture myself years from now, with a boy who is not you, with a boy who sees more than what glass can reflect.

-x.o & t.m

collaborative work with maxine

addy r Mar 2014

camaraderies

I’ve been observing your camaraderie with ladies who are not me, and I have to say it makes my heart stop for many minutes at a time and I fear my life is hanging on an edge. Please save me.

The last time I kissed you, you smelled like smoke and cologne and my system is burning like a city on fire, everytime you say I love you because your eyes turn somewhere far beyond the atmosphere we’re breathing in, almost as if those three little words were meant for somebody else.

When you said those words to me, your eyes were always far off, looking into the distance, like it was all a lie, and me being gullible, I believed it. For I loved you so as I trusted you.

You lean in and your lips kiss me good night, but all I can taste is good bye, good bye. I want to be your good morning. I want to wake up next to you with your heart handcuffed to my chest and I want you to feel the burn, the fire that creates sparks in my veins, every time we hold hands. I want to be the one, sorry, I want to be the only one that gives you a home in the valleys of my collarbones.

I hope that you would stay in this home I’ve built, and lie with me for every night after. Stay and don’t ever leave. You have no idea how I shiver and how my body shakes with epileptic spasms coupled with screaming and I didn’t think I would survive all that. Every time you leave, you leave a super massive black hole in my chest and it aches so horribly that I can’t even stand. Don’t leave.

I’ve been observing your camaraderie with ladies who are not me, I hope one day, you’ll come back to your senses and observe that despite every downside, I will always look at you as once in a lifetime opportunity, that this love, our love, my love for you will always be constant and that I don’t need camaraderie in my vocabulary, when I already have love written on the corners of your mouth.

-x.o & t.m (@lunarlullubies & @strawfaerie)

this is my 2nd collab with @strawfaerie, and it's been as amazing as the 1st :)

addy r Mar 2014

On Missing You

You have to understand that you have me writing run on sentences on the palms of my hands I miss you I miss you I miss you. I can almost feel your exhales travel around my neck and they’re choking me, and I’m suffocating for your hands on my waist do you have any idea on how much I miss you?

And every wall of my room just seems to contain your face on them – or is it just me missing you? You run through every nerve in my mind, breaking connections and leaving me unable to breathe every time you do. Why do you make yourself a broken memory?

Why do you make me broken? You could rip my chest open and find your initials written on the sides of my beaten up heart and it is screaming your name, almost like an out of tune sonnet but I still think it’s beautiful anyway that it’s learned to memorize the way your full name is pronounced even after the countless time you’ve turned your back on me and walked away.

I’d think of your name backwards and horizontally while it floats around in the abyss in my head, and I’m struggling to close the home I made deep inside the safety of my ribcage, just for you.

Just for you. For you. You, I would bleed myself alive, just for you - to understand that my system is made out of the music in your voice and the rhythm of your heartbeat. I will make you understand that this universe is not simply a competition of who makes it out alive, but a game of living and loving and loving again. Do you have any idea about how much I love you? Do you have any idea how much I fall on my knees every night, begging a god that one day you’ll wake up and love me like I love you? I want to be the air, your lungs take in every morning as a reminder that every day is a new day to kiss the sun a good morning and an advanced good night.

You have no idea how I long to be the sunlight that touches your skin when you draw the blinds and let the morn shine in. I long to have my arms wrapped around you like how they tell you to hug a tree when you are lost and this Is how I am, lost and you are what I need to find myself again.

-x.o & t.m (@lunarlullubies & @strawfaerie)

this is my first collab with twitter user strawfaerie and it's been so fun!

addy r Feb 2014

What's A Broken Heart?

That 2 am chest-clutching, bowled over with eyes so swollen you couldn’t see 2 feet in front of you?
That’s not a broken heart.

The feeling like you’re gonna throw up, and your stomach can’t seem to digest anything?
That’s not a broken heart.

“I still miss you.” texts or calling them a thousand times?
That’s not a broken heart.

What’s a broken heart?
Feeling NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, no emotions no anger no pain. Everything seems fine, but a part of you knows it is not, and you can’t even force yourself to be hurt or feel some sort of hurt. Nothing happened, you think, but something happened, you think again. Why aren’t I feeling anything? WHY? Your mind screams a thousand questions and you don’t know how to answer them. You’re mentally exhausted, and you can’t even breathe properly anymore. Even opening your eyes is a chore. Yet you feel numb. So numb it hurts. You don’t cut because that pain isn’t the same as the one you want to feel. Physical pain is miles and miles away from the pain of losing someone you love and care for very much.

Then your brain starts to shut down, and thinking is no longer possible. You lay in a fetal position for what felt like an eternity while the rain poured outside and all you could think is, “The rain is crying for me.” You don’t move a muscle, in fact you can’t even move a muscle and the air was toxic. You hear lightning and thunder, and struggle to think of all the happy moments you had before but nothing comes to mind and you give up. You lie there until you fall into a deep slumber.

Sleep. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to sleep, because in dreams you create a world that’s entirely your own and no one else’s. A pretty lake set against the background of mountains far away and a cerulean blue sky that matches his eyes. Oh. His eyes. The perfect world you dreamed suddenly became a nightmarish wasteland. The sky was black as night and life had faded from the world. You were trapped in yourself, running from yourself and nothing else could be done.

Screams. You sit up in a shock, questioning the universe about what happened, and then you feel it again. The numbness, the emptiness.

The cycle repeats and every day you feel that way is a torture.

-x.o.

from my own experience and also from what i've heard. Also do remember that eventually, your brain learns to adapt without the person you once loved and the pain won't remain forever. Cheer up, and stay strong ** <3

addy r Jan 2014

a little ways

Did you notice me standing on the sidewalk a little ways from the both of you? I don't know if it was a dream but I remember slicing a part of my arm to let my crimson blood drip onto the ground to mix with precipitation and flow into the sewers to feel something, to feel confirmation that it was only a dream. I felt the pain, saw the blood and still you were there, intertwined around her like ribbon around a gift. I think of the times when you showed up right outside my door, looking desperate and deprived, and I still catered to your every need even though a little voice in my head screamed STOP HE'S USING YOU as it cut into my nerves and shook my conscience. Yet I broke all the rules for you, committing modern day badass-ery. And even now I question you on whether you would break your clock and volunteer time you didn't have for me. You wouldn't, I think, you didn't even speak to me and you answer awkwardly, like snakes were choking you and constricting your windpipe and as if acid were burning your larynx to the point of muting you when I did. I stopped questioning you and let you be for a very long while even though the little voice protested that I should think for myself. You seeing me started becoming a privilege because you only showed up once in a while to lock lips and embrace me. I don't remember a single day where all we did was just get ice-creams and chill somewhere with the company of only each other.

I was used and boy is it emphasized as you stand a little ways from me, wrapped around her.

I see you kissing her like how you kissed me, putting your arms around her like how you did me. But will she ever know how the love I had for you engulfed you in a dark shadow, stretching to the galaxies beyond and appealing to the moon for it's blessing? I knew, from that moment on, that loving you is mistake I will never make again. Even if I'm breaking down at 2 am suppers, consuming yogurt by the tub and pulling all of my hair out because of that one kiss I saw you share with someone I trusted, I will never tear my heart in two ever again just to share a piece with you for I know you won't care for it. Don't burn me with the memories we had since I have set them on fire the moment I saw you and her.

But I don't have the strength to keep myself standing upright as I stand a little ways from you wrapped around her, and I crumble to the ground, shattering into ash...

(lunarlullubies)

you and her were my inspiration for this ;)

addy r Jan 2014

2014

The year twenty fourteen.

A year has passed, deeds have been done and new challenges surface. What does this year hold for any of us? Will it brush the dust off our bones? Awaken our lifeless souls? Or instead set our bodies on fire in revenge?

Resolutions will be passed, but will anyone actually fulfill them? They'd be hanging from a thorn in their minds, just waiting to die, while the people decide what to do with them.

Lyrics to future hits will be written and left helpless in recording studios while producers muse over each and every verse, critiquing the words, and possibly changing destinies.

New Year decorations will be taken down and Christmas has long gone. Winter has turned into Spring and what's next?

I'd just be watching the leaves of trees take the form of multiple personalities and colors, dying every time they have to change. I'd watch them fall off branches to pile up on the ground, only to be raked into another pile to be taken far, far away from home. I wish I could be like them, on to places beyond.

My bones have not grown stronger, and "New Year New Me" is complete ******* because nobody can be changed by a mere thought. Careful consideration, time and other things must come into play. I still feel weak at the knees with every sight of you, and my head and heart don't agree with everything either wants to do.

The stars and the Moon speak to me, and tell me about all their stories from the past year. They tell me to catch falling stars should I see any, and to count the stars instead of counting money, which has no value on its own.

But how can I tell anyone at all that I'd rather be in the universe of my own mind than anywhere on earth where civilization can be found? Will they take offense? I don't know. All they ever do is tweet about how school is going on, and how they love their friends. I've forgotten how to speak the same language as them and I know I'm an alien now.

I do not belong on this earth.

As of 2014.*

-x.o.

addy r Jan 2014

Rain-inspired

i. The rumble of thunder signified a storm.

ii. The rain fell like my soul onto the withering ground.

iii. I watched as every drop fell like eternity.

iv. A flash of light, a deep, dull sound and the crash of air.

v. Her heart beat in unison with the happenings of the sky.

vi. Gravity pulled the rain right out of the sky, onto the world below.

(lunarlullubies)