Hi, I'm sorry this is a little overdue.
I want you to understand how empty I feel today.

I know, I know...
Everyone gets sad once in a while
but for me,
I get happy once in a while.

My innate emotion is sadness
but sometimes I think I feel real happiness.

But I'm here to tell you about today.

Today, I had a full day off of work.
I have three jobs  
and today I didn't have to go to any.

Sometimes I fear a day like this,
I fear I won't be able to book all the time up in my day
I fear that if I stay in bed for too long I won't get out of it
I fear that I will eat too much
I fear that I won't eat enough
I fear that I will have to socialize too much
I fear that I will be too alone

I fear that I will let my thoughts consume me.

And today, they did. They consumed me.
I feel like I am deep in that hole again,
that dark place I go to when I don't have distractions.

It is the moment I realize I am not happy,
I've just been distracted for the past couple of weeks.

I don’t know what I’m waiting for
To publish my thoughts.

What’s the worst that can happen?

She sat as she pondered,
What happens now?
Looks down at her hands
Reminisces those days
When the world once stood on her fingertips.

When all was at hands reach,
When she believed in herself.

She punches the wall,
What happens now?
Her knuckles bleed as she wishes they'd stop
Her fingers trembled as tears ran down.

She pauses.

Bites her tongue, and punches the mirror.
As it shattered, she sobbed.
What happens now?
She looks down at her hands
Cut, bruised, swollen, bleeding,
Broken.

She kneels on the red glass,
Enjoying the pain.

Reminiscing about those days,
When the whole world had once stood on her fingertips.

She wraps her hands, tries to make amends.
Picks up the pieces of her own shattered...
Mirror.

Attempts to piece it back together
But she can't.

She lays on her red pool of sorrows.
What happens now?

Looking up at her fingertips,
around at her hopes and dreams,
and mostly within hands reach,
all she sees is red shattered glass.

Cut, bruised, swollen, bleeding
Broken.

I have shown my words
the folded edges of my book
the accidental rips
the mindful confusing to all annotations
the highlighted quotes
the underlines
the arrows
the connections.

I have shown my mind
the unhealthy parts
the mistakes
the mindful confusing to all thoughts
the highlighted memories
the underlying reasons
the why's the who's
the connections.

I have shown my art
the wrinkled pages in my sketchpad
the cross outs
the mindful confusing to all compositions
the highlights and shadows
the underlying feelings
the what's and why's
the connections.

I have shown my book,
I have shown myself.

drained
contained
somewhat misbehaved

damaged
challenged
never really managed

lust
and lost
lacking so much trust

confused
refused
always felt so used

comforted
resorted
now I feel supported

love
i found love
now feeling so above

I get good grades,
Have "a lot of friends" and "I'm always happy",
Everyone thinks they know everything about me.

Sure, I can be oblivious,
But it doesn't mean I'm injudicious.

I ask a lot of questions just to learn more,
not because I'm an imbecile.

Just because I'm healthy,
it doesn't mean I'm wealthy

You see me smiling?
well it doesn't mean I'm actually happy
because I'm not

Look past the surface
Dare to ask

Don't judge a.....

It's an unhealthy obsession,
you're my addiction not yet my possession.

Inflicted with your smile and there's no hesitation. 
What I feel is what it is,
you may not understand but I want you to see where is it that I stand. 

I see you out of glimpses but you don't look back.
Aspiring to be your ideal still having no real appeal. 

Wanting to be noticed by your gaze
but I'm just another novice in a maze.

She's expert mode in this game.
you're wrapped around her finger
and I have no real aim.

Bullseye, when will I ever get there?
Because with her, 
I can never compare.

Quit this childish play
Help me move on to put to an end
This silly little game we played

Today,
I miss you.
I miss our late night talks and our afternoon walks.
I miss your perfect green eyes and your stupid lies.

I miss your warmth.
When you'd hold me tight on a wintery night.
When you'd put my hands in yours,
and looked into my eyes.

When laying down in silence was enough for us.
When I, and only I was enough.

Even when it doesn't look like it,
know I miss you.

I miss you today and I'll miss you tomorrow.

There used to be a sparkle in your eyes
every time we talked.
You used to look at the ground and smile
because you didn't want me too see you blush.
You used to praise me to your friends,
brag and show me off to the world.

What happened to that guy?

You used to say I was perfect.
That you loved everything about me,
without saying "I love you."

That was good, because sometimes I get scared.
Scared I get too attached, that things move fast.
But it was my fault.
I gave in and it changed you.

I gave you what you wanted,
and no longer was I perfect.
You got what you wanted
and you just left.

You made me fall for you.
Your words, your actions
everything was carefully orchestrated.

And now that you're back I can't deny you.
You hurt me but I'm still standing.

My friends think I'm insane
but I can't help myself.

I gave in again.
Even after you said it was a test.

But I'm still here,
trying to stand up once again.