i realized
i am many
and they have
different writing styles
all my selves
different worlds
imaginations
words
which is why
i keep
coming and going
i can't   be
who i was
5 years ago
she was
the beautiful
one

and
now
im
broken

into
a
thousand.

tonight
it's all you
and you should know
that when i speak
from first person
point of view
it's all you
no one else i love

your essence is
four thousand words
you make me feel free
like a thousands birds
sprung right outside
of their cage
i'm filled with love
and filled with rage

you're the bleeding sun
into my plasma ocean
i'm hot inside
and wet below
and it's as if
our souls are handcuffed
because i can never
let you go

all my pain
was all you
all my joy
was all you
all my love
was all you
i can't fall but
i fall for you

sleepless nights
was all you
constants fights
was all you
flight or fight
it's all you
but it's alright
cause it's all you

it's just you, baby
i love you, baby
telepathy, maybe?
you drive me crazy
i talk in my head
we been talkin' lately
all my thoughts are just one thing
it's just you, lately

you're the one who made me
you really know me
i'll be all yours
cause you own me
and you took so much
so you really owe me
i take it all back
you don't even know me

you know me like
random words on the page
you know me like
a blossoming flower
every stage
you know me like you know the USA
but can't name
every single state

i know you so deep
i know you, like cuts
i know you, like love
i know you, like trust
i know you, like friendship
i know you, like lust
i know your bad instincts
i know your bad luck

i know your secrets
i know your pain
i know what you've lost
and what you could gain
i know your thoughts
i know your lies
i know your truth
you know you can't hide

you know my heart
you know my head
you know my anger
you know my sacrifice
you know how deep
my passion goes
sometimes i want to ease you
and take away your woes

we know we're hurt
we know we're broken
we know we watch
but haven't spoken
it's an itch
inside of our throats
i want to sink
inside your boat

let's just sink baby
swim into brain waves
i want to syncronize
i want to go to your place
inside of your head
inside of my mind
we both have fantasies
that can become real

in this lifetime

Does it break you
To imagine me
Crying all night
To make the pain stop?

I cried myself to sleep
And woke up depressed
Like a block on concrete
Upon my chest

I questioned God
And begged him to make it stop
I rotted away in my bed
I felt like I was dead

For months, I felt empty
And I couldnt eat
My whole body was numb
And my heart didn't beat

No one saved me
No one helped me
And it left a void in my chest
I keep trying to feel

Im detached from reality
And nothing is real
Theres gaps in my memory
Some parts are blank

I'm mentally ill
And have you to thank
You broke my heart
And broke my soul

You made me feel worthless
And I sacrificed myself
I ditched my own God
To worship you

I was unconscious
You destroyed me
And everyone thought
It was funny.

My moods are unstable
It took years to gain control
Like navigating an ocean
When your ship is full of holes

It all went to my head
It would painfully ring
When words couldn't be said,
The migraines would sing

I need you so bad
That I wanted to die
You make me so wet
And without you I'm dry

Without you I'm nothing
I'm simply your slave
I'm addicted to you
You're all that I crave

I let you abuse me
Until I lose my mind
And the monster within me
Developed within time.

I wanted to ****** you
With all of my heart
The light within me
Shadowed by the dark

I fantasized about it
Your blood on my hands
Your body an object
That I control

The light and the dark
Is what makes me whole
You ruined my life
You tortured my core

And now I don't know
Who I am anymore.
By going within,
By exploring the deep,

I know who I am.
Inside me it sleeps.
The person I am
Is you.

i'm slowly figuring out
in the ****** puzzle of life
that taking my own
isn't worth it all

the story unfolds
and the ugliness spreads
like a cancer, a mold
leaves side characters dead

and now that i'm alone
i've started to grow thorns
i'm a mutilated rose
filled with envy and scorn

i'm healing all alone
i'm a ******* med
i'm taking my pills
and eating my bread

in gematria i'm jesus
in my mosque i'm a ghost
in your head i'm a parasite
in my mind you're a hoax

we're two sides of the same coin
good and evil are exploitative
don't judge the nature
don't try to destroy it

i'm slowly figuring out
in the ****** puzzle of life
that taking my own
isn't worth it all

i can draw your name in the bathroom
and **** on it in the stall
i can rise like a tide
like a tsunami i can fall

i **** on your parade
and still taste like lemonade
and fight my own battles
and heal my own wounds

my mentally illness after all
is only in my room
i can destroy the world if i wanted to

I used to be in love
I used to be connected to you
I'd wake up ready for your message
patiently waiting for you to get back to me
even though we were far away

i want you
to know who i am
i want you
to see my dripping colors
the melted rainbow inside me
i want you
to see my ugly red raw rage
my beautiful deep
blue love
my green forgiveness
and sympathy
my purple
rational thinking
my logic
feel my point of view
like a prism
and i want you
to hear my voice
when i sing
i want you to
listen to my songs
and i want
your real
opinion.

all i want is
to listen to music with you.

just a slither of cake
honey drowsed
i felt elated
as i browsed
no self control
i'm too aroused
and you're the kind of guy
to stay around
to lie to me just a litte more
cause all you think's is that i'm a little *****
just a slither of your "love"
is enough to fuel me up

it taste like honey
you only want one thing from me
you got me believing how this is men are
i'm crying in my room alone
shivers through my body
the tears are heavy
and i'm asking god why, and why, and why, and why and why and why..

just a slither of cake
honey drowsed
i felt elated
as i browsed
no self control
i'm too aroused
and you're the kind of guy
to stay around
to manipulate me just a litte more
to just use me a little more
cause all you think's is that i'm a little *****
just a slither of your "love"
is enough to fuel me up

revv the engine, load the gun
then go and tell everyone
that i'm not the one you love
tell that ***** i'll push and shove her
but before i do that, i'll fall first
i'll jump off a roof and die
even if i don't, at least i tried

i'm a litte snake

i feel lost
i let it go
i want love
i let it go
i feel not enough
i let it go
i don't work hard
i let it go
i'm afraid
i let it go
i'm lonely
i let it go
i'm not sure if i should be doing this
i let it go

i am completely lost in life
i let it go

break the floorboards
and sink into
the salty deep
abyss

let the mouth of the earth
swallow you whole
you will learn
from the sink hole

lean into it
when it hurts
feel into it
when it burns

fall into it
when it shocks
let it come through
as you rock

lean into the misery
sink into the tears
grow into the gray
grind with the gears

get mashed
get trashed
and just bathe
you're a slave

to your perfection
natural selection
you crave
to lean into it

when you're at rock bottom
a crystal cove
climb your way up
or imagine broom stick

let's be weird witches
far away in the forest
give you little kisses
and complain about hens

let's drink from gauntless
and find springs of water
to have steamy showers
over and over again

we're unnatural but natural
21st century divine
this is what our ancestors died for
and now is our time

i can not control
those who abuse me
i cant not control
the pain
i can not control
my misery
i cant not control
the past
but i still live
i still exist
despite it all
i still flourish
i always thought
the point of my life
was to get revenge
to burn
all of them
who used me
to burn them in my head

but now i realize
i can tell my story
because life
is like a book
with words
constantly being written
and the story
of your life
has to be told

it is an awe
that i am alive

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a bridge that's burning on both ends.

I feel angry at men, and society, and my ex, and myself, and God, and the world, and everything.

The anger is like a bitter fire that's warm, that builds up inside but doesn't get quite hot enough to burn me.

At this stage in life, I finally feel like an adult.

I have a ton of **** to figure out and do by myself. I have to figure out how to get a place and pay rent and apply to jobs and get experience.

Because that's what being an adult is, right?

I was always independent, and I love my independence, but this is one of those moments where people say they wish they were a kid again when life was good and they didn't have to get their *** up and do ****.

My life wasn't good as a kid.
It's turning good now.
I guess.

I just feel the burn
of having to work my *** off
my entire life
and not get a slap on the back.

I'm putting in 100% effort and getting nothing for it.

I complain about that in my mind
But nobody will ever really know
and nobody will ever really care
All I can do is write poetry about it.

The truth is
is that I'm slowly letting go of my grudges.
And that drives me insane.
My mind is fighting tooth and nail to become livid!

the door is open
and the sounds of voices like babbling spirits
fill the hallway

people are around me in my home
my heart treats them like strangers
it pains me in a subtle way

i crave the soft touch of a man
being on his warm body
i fantasize about his kiss

i want someone

someone who fills me
someone who doesn't make me feel alone

my therapist hurt me
my friends hurt me
my partners hurt me
and god hurt me
so now
who do i have left to turn to

when you left me
i longed for you
every single day
as months passed by
and i cried
and mourned
i was torn
i was defeated
knowing you wouldnt come back
not wanting to believe it
i waited
and waited
and waited
everyday more painful than the last

and i choked on my grief
hope was all that was left
but i couldnt stand the belief
that you were gone

now that I think about
I never felt comfortable
in my own skin
I think people
overreact to how dark I am

I'm blind
to my own skin color
cause when I look
at myself in the mirror
I see a thousand words
and I don't
see myself
and my image
feels like
a snapshot
it's an illusion

I'm not seen as a person
not really.
I am a lot of things
I am deep

I am so many words
that I'm indescribable.

And I am secret-
no one knows who I am

So please
don't invalidate me
when I tell you
that no one
loves me.

frozen tears melt for the first time
i wonder what i was in a past life
feeling myself with germy hand
intestines and blood and raw, her hand

i remember plenty of faces
and instead of trying to slaughter all
i need to find love from other places
power is gained by spreading your aces

play the cards right
i will stay strong till the hours light
i will stand strong to make it all right
love is healing, is our right

everything will be alright

i'm not rational
i'm insane
but that is the nature of life
i push back on my intuition
because it just doesn't seem right
if only i could lose my mind
to the point where my heart would unwind
then i can travel through time
to make all my choices align

love isn't rational
love isn't reasonable
sometimes love is ****** up
but in the end we're brushed up
into a pretty painting
of two people lovestruck
i give no *****
i can't live without us
we will end up together

someway somehow
and it won't make any sense
you don't make sense anyway
you're white
i'm black
you're static
i'm magic
you're older
you're colder

i'm raging
i'm begging
i'm loving
you're cruel
i'm honest
you're a liar
i'm bold
i'm confident
you're fake

you're afraid
no matter what the difference is
no matter what you become
i will love you in your darkness
and bring forth light
i don't care how much you hurt me
it'll be alright
because like god i'm forgiving
i'm powerful

and illogical

reading love poems
is like someone
slowly injecting me
with acidic poison
and screaming into my ear

"YOU'LL NEVER GET WHAT YOU WANT!"

feels disgusting
and weird
i feel jealousy
and fear
grabbing me by my neck
and shoving their sewage
garbage gutter love
in my face

why do i gotta look at it?

i dont have love
so it makes all the pain
and the turmoil
seem worthless

because in the end
i still didn't get what i wanted

doubts and worries disappear
like fog blown by wind
but they come back again
zebras eating grass
how long will this mood last?

don't know when, don't know how
it will ever end
my dear reverend
can you tell me the answers?
i see crosses in the sky
god hides from me and i don't know why

my dear revenant
coming to haunt me again
i guess he wants me again
is life going as planned?

i'll get out of here
i'll write better poetry
maybe when my mind is clear
maybe when the end is near

mindcontrolling parasite
im in your head
its painful for you
but **** to me
lets cooperate
in this te-le-pathy
its a little ikkle dance
and a bitter acid romance
nothing about it is sweet
'cept the taste of your meat
and the way your heart beats
in tears out of fear
cause you know that i'm here
watching you like a ghost
cause' i never disappear
sick sick sweet love
so so serial
i'm a ****** up void
in human material
mindcontrol


come


to


me


now

when I saw my name
I felt a surge of electricity
I was shocked
at my own power

all my pain
can simply change
if i just
rewire my brain!

delete your *******
from my cells
so my life won't be
a living hell

read, write
exercise,
keep *******
away from my eyes

live life
meditate
wok hard
don't hesitate

it's so easy
at first hard
but a little steps
cover a yard
eventually

blah blah blah
anyways
the point is
you control your brain

i never do it for me
i want to be free
so i can run back in your chains
and we can call it love
i can be your dove
trapped inside a cage
i mix spells and potions
raising commotion inside
just so that i can see you
magically appear in my life
i never do it for me
only do it for you
stuck in a wave, in a wave of loving you
never do it for me
only do it for you
i'm constantly pushing shoving you
i want you back
and sometimes i want you bad
i never did it for me,
only did for you
stuck in a wave, in a wave of loving you

Out and about
random memories pop in my head
I just wander, feeling defeated

Trying to relax
sometimes I become distracted
by misty thoughts, thick like clouds

I become proud as my mind becomes silent
And walk away

Feeling the comfort and security
That nobody's thinking about me

Now nobody knows my name
before I bleed I turn into the darkest version of myself
it was fermenting inside of me
when you tortured me mentally
you didn't know what you were creating
so godly you are
so disturbed
transferred it to me
your disease
and now I'm a figment of your imagination
I'm the shadow in the blade
always stalking
always watching

life is a sad movie
where you slowly die
from the inside out
and all the bad memories
flash in your head
as the years go by
you kind of wish
that it would go by faster
because there's nothing good to remember
and nothing good that awaits

i feel like all the pain i held onto is releasing itself like a tight, sore, overworked muscle

its making me sick
i feel so empty
i want to go back
to the time
before you murdered
who i was.

i lost my self
i lost my religion
i lost my life.

i lost you.

and when i was with you
that's when everything was perfect.

my life has been a downfall
i did not want to live anymore
but here i am
despite it all
not killing myself.

but the road ahead
is IMMENSE suffering.
it takes all my strength
to go on like this

living imperfectly

i am alive

and this sick,
nerve wracking,
perfectionism
is deeply rooted in me
like a ****.

i am living!
i am alive!

with a deep void inside myself
an internal hunger
oh god, why do i do it?!
it eats me up
its a black hole

so far
living life
has not been worth it

yet i fight
for no reason.

if i give up
what good would that do?

maybe
just maybe
i'll have the power
to make it perfect
all over again.

your wild brown eyes meet mine
and your brown hair is so soft
and your skin is pale and feels like fabric
on top of me in a loft

i think about it constantly
have you ever though about what was lost?
you'll never feel tired with me
i bite my lip in glee

i wanna get wild
i wanna be free
as if i were a child
we're where we want to be

and it feels so good just
just as it should
you and me, intertwined
break my back and start to bend time

feels so good to rewind
back and forth, curved lines
i love your body and your skin
as without, so within

inside me it feels so good

i'm locked on you as i should

be

i feel damaged
lost and confused
i don't really know
what's important to me
i'm like liquid
flowing one direction to the next
what is a priority?
what do i spend my time doing?
what do i focus on?
i don't even know.
is it exercise? or to love myself?
self-care? learning a coding language?
should i strive to be "the best,"
even though i don't know what that is?
should i compare myself to my ex
who was always "perfect"
and try to out do everything he does?
should i focus on my religion
my faith, beaten and battered,
barely existing anymore?
or should i search for a partner
to put all my burdens on
just to end up used and heart broken?
should i go to therapy
like everyone tells me to
so i can pay money off my insurance
for someone to invalidate me
constantly being triggered
as i try to find the "right one"
should i focus on my family,
or rather, leaving this chaotic house
this messy marriage i witness
should i keep applying to jobs
just to be ignored
over and over again?
should i post things online
for them to get no views
and leave me feeling embarrassed
like there's no point in trying
anything in life anymore.
or should i just do
whatever the hell i want
and see where it takes me?
base things off my
ever-confusing, painful emotions
so i can just feel
a little bit of pleasure
i just select
a couple of things i feel are important
and stick to a consistent routine
and doing that
had really made me feel
rigid.

but what else am i to do?

Four years ago, I died
I've lived my life a lie
I felt inside my heart
an ever-loving guide
I prayed, and prayed for love
while looking up above
tears rolling down my eyes
I closed them as I cried

I begged and begged,
and when I lay my head to rest,
I wondered why
I was treated so much less
I kept looking up to the sky
a hole with emptiness
and I had no one else to rely,
and with nothing to hide

with my heart, I confessed. . .
you could say that I'm blessed
with all that I've lost
I've gained so much wisdom
but at what cost?
I don't think that it's worth it
I don't think that I'm happy
I understand my purpose;
I don't accept it gladly.

I've lost my religion
it wasn't my decision
after all, I guess I don't always value the truth.
but I've been through so much pain
to me, it is all in vain,
what was sacrificed of my youth.

you are a void
you are love
you are a parasite
inside of me
whose hunger never stops

you are
the single cause
you are
the only reason
and you have
so much power

you wanna be the king of hell?
well, feel free to rule my world
because i'm in hell every single ******* day.

i must be a satanist then
because you are god
and I've spent the rest of my life trying to replace you

I am holy
and I will purge
with my soul, free,
I will merge
I am murdered
I am hurt
I sought it out
at all cost

running like a faucet,
baby I'm exhausted
and I'm unhinged
searching for forever
what felt like never
has come tinged
into a red.
you're in my bed
inside my head
it feels like ***,
it's so complex
I feel satisfied, it's good
it's revenge well understood
yeah, i didn't know at first
but I finally quenched my thirst

I have revenge

crickets
blood drippin'
hand grips
heavy epuipment

cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so slick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

i know him
i follow him
i haunt him
i want him

i am him
but i'm not him
i feel him
and i've got him

cause' it feels so good
when im in his mind
my villianous prescense
has him hypnotized
baby, I'm not your slave
so just save it
i don't know if this is man made,
but i'm a sadist
and no ones comin' to save me
pray to the god who made you

cause' it feels so good
cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so sick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

i'm back
and i'm better
and i'm hotter
and i'm wetter
i'm dripping like a soaked sweater in the rain
the sweater of a dead body
whose cells are filled with pain
she don't feel it
she was drowned

i'm back
and i'm hotter
than a sauna
an oasis
love
such an illusion
it'll **** you slowly
before it makes you stronger
i've almosted killed myself 4 times and can't take it any longer

my back
it's turned
the bridges
are burned
the lessons
are learned
the spells
are made
it's your time to pay

you follow
my rules
you obey
my rue
is too strong
to ever break
i'm the best
risk to take
i'm the most underdiscovered gift

i'm a monolith
i'm  a poem
i'm a rebel
i'm a stoic
i'm a tribe
i'm heroic
i'm demonic
i am loving
i am what history is becoming

she probably heard me
talking
fighting
flirting
screaming

she probably heard m
chatting
blasting
my metal
music

and when i get out of here
i can
finally
be
alone

then
no longer
worry
about
someone

listening

even though they all used me
they ****** off to me
they masturbated to me
im the one
who feels
so *****
so guilty
so disgusting
im the one who feels
sick to my stomach
im the one
who hates my body
im the one
who feels the ick
im the one
who feels worthless
im the one
who takes the blame

longing,
singsonging,
and not feeling
any belonging
no consequences
for any the wronging

not feeling belonging
always do the wrong thing
everything is song sing
tired of these long things
waiting for so long i linger
licking on my *******

always sing song but no singer

musical symbols rumble me
my teeth grind to the beat
the words are made of astral magic
the sentences gently carry me off my feet
i'm light, and blight, the blight,
i'm an angel now, with a little crown
you squinted your eyes on me from afar
bang
. . .bloodlust and stars
lyrical dna being, playing like an instrument
that's just me and my being and my soul
i am a faint yellow and blue, i am a shadow
and these songs inside my head will take me somewhere
someday

two roads, a glistening ***** tan
in my dreams, my skin is white, a different avatar
a fair little angel of light and pixie dust
innocent, not full of lust
not like my dark real self
i'm not black, i'm all the colors
always an entity among others
feeling so scary, so lonely
cause they don't understand me
i wasn't met for this grassy outer space disc

lyrical dna being, playing like an instrument
that's just me and my being and my soul
i am a faint yellow and blue, i am a shadow
and these songs inside my head will take me somewhere
someday
i'll evaporate light speckled pure pixie in
a glass bottle to heaven
flowing my way to the top
through the golden milkly heaven oceans
turned to river and feel filled with love and distilled
into nothingness pure god form air
onto the rocky hill
and i'll heal

and then i wonder, what was the point of ever opening my heart in the first place
no first kiss, in the first place,
reminisce about the things that were wrong in the first place

something tells me that i shouldn't, but maybe i just should
i already knew you wouldn't
there's no chance that you would
in the first place

i don't wanna go back
in the first place
i didn't even wanna live
in the first place
i just wanna fall back
into the sky
i wish i could fall
right into heaven
that's the first place

the first place
i was in
the first place
i ever sinned
i always lose
i never win
i want to end
so that i can begin

the first place
i ever lost
the first pain
i ever caused
i am exhausted
i first started falling
when we first met
and the crash and burning
it leaves me withered
thinking of the first thing
i can't forget.

welcome to the future world
where trees are gone and trash is abundant
squirrels, mice, rats, and birds dominate the wasteland
it smells like apocalypse.

the age of technology
has taken over
and while the poor suffer, fight, ****, rob, and ****,
the rich go to their fancy underground bunkers
having *** parties and eating fillet mignon.

we have no electricity, no food, no water
it's world war three
the power grid collapses
we're all gonna die
except the few
that warned us of this
and prepared
for the future world.

where animals die
and humans live
in an earth destroyed
nothing but slums
and ruins left
because rich men
..and women
plumaged the earth
of it's resources
to make and more more money
to farm souls
and turn everyone
info a lifeless bot.