i'm a bird
i'm a gazelle
with eyes full of fear

I'm the ocean of tears
I've held back for so long

I am pain
I am loneliness

I can't live right
I'm a hermit
in this house

i'm a bird
trapped in a cage
too small for it

i'm a great mind
living in a swamp
of shallow people

i'm a black hole
shifting directions
every day

i'm trying to make it
even though i don't see a way out.

whatever the world is,
i'm the opposite
i'm an angel standing
on top of a white light
underneath the soft earth
and into the twightlight
my foot is halfway
in the word of fireflies
and i split my conscious
in thousands of lifetimes

i'm the opposite of happiness
i'm the opposite of fear
although closely aligned
yours is yours and yours is mine
i'm enmeshed with my flesh
i am raw and i am fresh
i'm a mix, i'm a twig
off the giant tree of yggdrasil
c'est so facile
rolling down a hill

i'm the ****
i'm the hunt
i'm the opposite of what they want
i am damage
i am green
i'm the root and i'm the seed
i'm a product of society
and carve my life out of stone
i'm enmeshed with my flesh
i am raw and i am fresh

i'm the blood, i'm the bone,

in your head i'm all alone

but deep inside you really know

i'm not the opposite of home

So much love lost
memories cold
in the attic of our minds
I would love
to talk to you again
but I know
it's a waste of time.

I remember
your sweet smile
when we were in love
I was naive
and the world was bright
I thought I had it all.

And now
and it's as if
I live between
then and now
who I was
and who I am
are a girl
and a woman
with a long distance
between them.

leashes like a matryoshka doll
you rip one off but you're still a dog
sit next to la plage
my mind filled with fogged
it's a sunny day
but my life is a swamp

do i have an addictive personality?
my obsession carries over from one to the next
the sessions and season happen without reason
my mind is criminal treason
i betray myself
i just can't sit still

i hate my life, i try to escape
these men dissapear like smoke from a vape
i'm running around a hall of mirrors
in the end i'm always alone
playing this stupid game
there's always more, and they're all the same

being used like a toy
of course it's by a boy
cause they're minds are so feeble
they get brainwashed by physical reality
and i float out of my body like a ghost
into duality, individuality

i split up
i sit up
i spit up
i'm a baby
i'm *******
psychotic
neurotic
and crazy

but of course i change
unlike before
you thought you knew me
now there's more layers under the surface
so peel me away
and see my rotten core

you know your sins will always resurface
there's always more
buried away
your little secrets
are in my brain
and it seeps through like pain

i'm bleeding sweet nectar
THERES ALWAYS MORE OF IT
THERES ALWAYS MORE of it
THERES ALWAYS MORE of it
THERES ALWAYS MORE of it
THERES ALWAYS MORE

locusts in my throat
for years i couldn't figure out what was wrong with me
it festered inside my head
thousands of voices
simulating schizophrenia
the irritation
the regret

all i had to do
was use my voice
and say The Things I DIDN'T SAY

Im so tired.

Im going after things
I thought I wanted
I feel *****
My tongue is dry
I dont know who i am anymore
I dont know how im going to make it

it feels strange
when i'm not deranged
the overwhelming peace
makes my body relaxed
and it feels nice
to live a peaceful life
but it's so weird
i'm used to
the constant flow
of overwhelming waters
not sure where to go
constantly crying
beaten by a void
but now i am akin
to a yogi in a warm cave
an egg yolk becoming a chick
to live a life of peace
feels kinda sick.

inside of a blissful heaven
where we are both naked
i want to gently
touch the side of your face
with my palm
and look into
your deep brown eyes
and wrap myself
around you
like a twisted vine
i want to love you
i want to
feel your pain
and your pleasure
i want to heal you
i want to feel
the radiation
of stress
and pain
to leave your body
and flow into me
and then
out of the both of us
i want
to become so
close to you
that i can't tell
the difference between
who i am
and who you are
i want us to
transcend this realm
and become light
a 21st century
adam and eve
i want
to bite into
your bright red
shiny apple
and when i kiss you
i want it to
****** you inside
i want whoever
you thought you were
to shatter
and i want you
to pull me in
so close
so i absorb
everything you are
and after
a long stare
i want to move
my hands
up and down
your body
like a smooth earth
a fair marble
and run my fingers
through your hair
not caring
who sees
not caring
what they think
and just consumed
by pure
epic love
wrapped
so tightly
so bound
locked in place
to never
untwist
EVER again

i dont know what ****** god brought me into this world
but i often hate him for it

twisty achey thoughts and voices in my head
do all the talking and as i look within
the lines of my skull have thousands of lips
giving me gentle kisses
they keep talking
i keep crawling in these desert sands
and i'm sinking into the abyss
i am a hologram full of noise
i'm going back into the earth
i will slowly be destroyed
if it's not by the sound
i'll be drowned out by their constant talking
the journey is long
in this desert sun they're stalking
it's way louder than a whisper
in my heart i feel a blister
so sharp and cold they make me shiver
even as i'm melting down
the echo forms a surround
if you heard it it would hurt
i'm going back into the earth

when will I have sweet love
he looks into my eyes
and stares so deep
knowing I am the one
it all feels
like a perfect song
and the blissful emotions
rise and fall
as all I've ever wanted
falls right into my hands.

when will I be taken care of
when will I be
given everything
that no one ever gave me
when will someone love me
without hurting me
when will they say
"I love you"
and mean it?

when will I feel safe
to share my body
and sexuality
with another person
when will I
be able to relax
because he doesn't
make me feel any stress
when will I have
to not worry
about my safety
or constantly check
to see if I'm
being manipulated
when will I
be finally be able
to lower my defenses

when will I
stop feeling hopeless
scared
when will I
feel what it's like
to be inside my body
and not feel insecure
not feel men
look me up and down
like thirsty dogs
trying to aggressively
have *** with me

when will I be happy
when will I have
this love
that lasts forever
that makes me feel
like a little sun
is inside my heart
burning all the
darkness away

and when
will I have
someone accept me
for who I am
the fact that
I'm ****** up
I have mood swings
I get angry
sometimes
I age regress
back into
a child
I have kinks
that are weird
I do the opposite
of what I say
because it's hard
for me to be vulnerable
I have a history
of abuse
and being manipulated
over and over again
I feel tired
and overwhelmed
I am so
sick and tired
of being strong
for everyone else
and taking care
of everything by myself
all the ******* time
but then
being told
that I'm too much.

when will I
attract someone
that is handsome
so I don't
have to feel like
I always have to settle
and then made guilty
cause "looks don't matter"
"be grateful"
none of these dudes
are in my league.

and that's why
they're always
cheating on me.

when will I
have to stop wondering
and fantasizing
about all these things?
when will it not
leave knots in my heart
in my stomach
when I see
a happy couple
holding hands
and it brings me to tears
because I wish I had that
so badly.

I prayed for it
it makes me cry
and hurt
it looks
so effortless
they're smiling
and holding hands
and I just
want to know
the secret
I just
want to know
what's wrong with me
I just
want to know
how long it will take

I just
want to know
when it will happen.

i love when my life feels like i just snorted 60 mg of crack
and all the stress is lifted off my back
like pushing off a giant piece
of a 70 foot story high apartment

my brain bursts bubbles
in my ears they go 'pop'
and the colors feel more vibrant
i want none of it to stop

but the high only lasts 5 minutes
until the trigger is set
then the bullet hits my head
and soon i start to forget

i go back to sorrow
bleeding into the morrow
digging into the marrow
buried into a burrow

being shot with an arrow
when the highs turn to lows
it's like the death of a pharoah
and i'm deaf to the metal

i fall soft like a petal
and now they're pushing the pedal
instead of the breaks
when the highs turn to lows

i crash myself awake

this P    M  S
made me a m e t a l h e a d
i feel like him and i feel like myself
we bleed as one and it feels so fun
for my double ego to melt

i want us to be combined
we're already both so aligned
i wanna melt in your blood like ice
sleep in your darkness like a lice
in your hair at night

i feel so devine
as i bleed
and i touch heaven
as i leave
with my ****** hand
and bad deeds
i feel so alive

yeah I love you
you complete
with your harsh words
you defeat me
if i saw you
i'd fall to my knees
all in fear
i want to disappear
you're my everything
and for you
i'd do anything
i've done it all
babe, i've gone insane
you are godly
while i am inhumane