Why is it that
this present moment
is never enough
Who you are
Where you are
What you have
is never enough

It’s as if every day
we wake up saying
“If I could just be that,
If I could just go there,
If I could just have this,
then I’ll be happy”

Yet this allows us
to sabotage our ability
to feel content
in the present
To look around
and grovel in the beauty
of progress and growth
that gets us through
each passing day

It’s hard to not let the yearning
for an unknown future
overpower the appreciation
for today
But maybe if I open my eyes
a little wider
and open my mind
a little bigger
every day
I won’t always be waiting
to be happy

I'm stuck
in between this middle ground
of happiness and sadness
light and dark
good and bad
no matter which way I turn

With everything in my life
there is both satisfaction
and discontent
Keeping my heart
in a constant state of
restlessness

I find myself
watching the birds in the sky
flying in and out
of places they choose
The moon knowing exactly when
it's time for the sun to rise

And I'm here on the ground
keeping myself up at night
wondering if I'll ever be able to
grasp hope with both hands
instead of just one

There is no else in this world that I wish I had a better relationship with
and I don’t think I will ever get over
how you let things turn out
Finding new ways
to hurt me in the process

When I look back
I realize you decided our fate
when we were just kids
and I didn’t understand then
That you were someone
who allowed yourself to disrespect
the person you were expected to protect

I was never like you
and maybe that threatened you
but I cannot accept that
as a reason to make me feel anxious
to be in my home
scared of what’s to come
into a downward spiral of dysfunction and trauma

Now that I’m not under the same roof
sometimes I find myself
being able to appreciate our time
Try a little harder to connect
But you always find new ways
to sabotage our progress
and burn your bridges one by one

The thing is
you are not someone I can simply cut out
We are bonded by the strongest kind of human connection
We are lumped together in the eyes of family
You will always be a part of me in a way no one else will
and that’s why it hurts so much

I’m tired
and I just want a sister
Who sees me for me
Understands me for me
Respects me for me
and loves me for me

I get it that you love her
maybe I don't understand it
but I just thought that
as you were picking up her pieces
and plastering them onto your heart
that you would've at least
saved a spot for me
like I've always kept for you

I don't ask for the same parts of you
as she does
so tell me,
why is there only room for one?

I used to think that this wasn't you,
it couldn't be
but I guess
we're not always who we think we are

And if you had just tried
to reach a hand out before you left
you'd find another waiting

Know this isn't out of hate
this is coming from the times when you didn't show up
or answer a call
or send a message
this is coming from the times when you broke my heart
while you were trying to save hers

I'm always afraid
of what the unknown
has to offer
I'm scared
to look too far
into the future
I don't know if I'm ready
or if I'll be good enough
I think I've always felt this way
I've gone through life
going through the motions
not stopping to take a step back
and breathe in reality
Does anyone ever have it figured out?
Change pierces my fickle heart
and it collapses under the pressure
I don't know what's next
I barely know right now
So I'll stay here searching
until my fickle heart
finds peace

I'm not sure what's going on
I can feel myself sitting here
but I've lost control of my body
my hands are frozen
I can't move
The feeling radiates to my head
as if my brain is in shock
and I can no longer keep my eyes open
My breathing is much heavier
and much faster
and I can't seem to slow it down
Tears fall from my eyes
and slowly leave me dehydrated
but unable to react
I sit here in my isolation
and for some reason
this feels like the end

What's happening to me?
I ask to the voices in my head
What were they saying again?
There were so many of them
and now my mind is blank

I sit here for a while
my breathing starts to slow
my eyes dry out
my fingers loosen their grip
And I fall asleep
praying
to be fixed